Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Bowled Over in the Post-Season


By Steve Harvey

Outdated 15 minutes ago

The Bottom Ten Bowls

UCLA's football team observed a yearly tradition of taking a ditch day Tuesday, with most of the players absenting themselves from practice. You could make the case that 2011 was a ditch year for the Ruins, who compiled a 5-7 season.

Such futility did not preclude UCLA from being chosen for a post-season game_the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl, versus nearly-as-inept Illinois (6-6). The Ruins are the first under-.500 team to be chosen for a bowl since 5-6 North Texas went to the New Orleans Bowl (and lost by 25) in 2001.

And, UCLA could become the first bowl team to lose 8 games in a season if the Ruins fall to Illinois, as they surely will.

Thus it's no surprise that the Kraft Bowl would be ranked No. 1, just ahead of the Gator Bowl, which features the Ohio State Buckeyes (6-6) in their last post-season appearance for a while.

The Buckeyes were suspended from bowls_including the Hollywood Bowl_ for a year after players received cash and free tattoos from a Columbus businessman. The players involved were ordered to return their tattoos to the parlor.

Dud Bowl..........................Teams (with sorry records in parentheses)
1. Kraft Hunger Bowl............... UCLA (6-7) vs. Illinois (6-6).
2. Gator Bowl ............................Florida (6-6) vs. Ohio State (6-6).
3. Independence Bowl.............. North Carolina (7-5) vs. Missouri (7-5).
4. Little Caesars Pizza Bowl......Western Michigan (7-5) vs. Purdon't (6-6).
5. Belk Bowl*..............................North Carolina State (7-5) vs. Louisville (7-5).
6. Holiday Bowl**......................Texas (7-5) vs. Cal (7-5).
7. Pinstripe ................................Rutgers (8-4) vs. Iowa State (6-6).
8. Music City Bowl................... Mississippi State (6-6) vs. Wake Forest (6-6).***
9. Meinke Car Bowl ..................Texas A$M (6-6) vs. Northwestern (6-6).
10. BBVA Compass Bowl..........Pittsburgh (6-6) vs. The SMUs (7-5).

*Since you asked, Belk is a department store chain. This bowl, which, like many, has had various aliases, was formerly the Queen City Bowl and the Continental Tire Bowl (though not at the same time).

**Holiday Bowl is no day at the beach.

***Steve Gross points out a mistake in the No. 8 worst bowl: "Ahem...it's Weak Forest not Wake Forest.
.
Quotebook: The Los Angeles Times reported that NFL draft guru Gil Brandt says USC QB Matt Barkley compares ``favorably" to QB Mark Sanchez of the floundering Jets. Is that supposed to be a compliment?


The Pros

They've fouled up everything else this season so maybe it figures that the Indianapolis Dolts may now fail to be the NFL's worst team, in which case they would forfeit the right to draft Stanford QB Andrew Luck.

The previously winless Dolts (1-13) won a game Sunday_over Tennessee, true, but it still counts_and now sit just a game ahead of the St. Louis Lambs (2-12) and Minnehaha Vikings (2-12).

Elsewhere, the No. 9 Bears (7-7) are too late to contend for the Bottom Ten title this year, but they notched an admirable fourth straight loss. They've named Josh McCown to start Sunday against Green Bay (13-1).

McCown's attorneys have appealed to the governor for a commutation of the sentence.

No. 2 St. Louis (2-12) faces Pittsburgh (10-4), an unenviable task especially since the Steelers have ordered a new pair of crutches for QB Ben Roethlisberger to use on the field.

Wreck, Record...........Last Loss....................Next Loss
1. St. Louis (2-12)............ 13-20, Cincinnati............ Pittsburgh
2. Minnehaha (2-12)....... 20-42, New Orleans....... Washington
3. Buffalo (5-9)................ 23-30, Miami (Fla.)........ Denver
4. Indianapolis (1-13)..... Def. Tennessee, 27-13 ......Houston
5. Cleveland (4-10)......... 17-20, Arizona.................. Baltimore
6. Grampa Bay (4-10); 7. Jacksonville (4-10); 8. Carolina (5-9); 9. Chicago (7-7); 10. N.J. Giants (1-5 in last 6 games).

Rout of the Weak: (Regionals) Pittsburgh (10-4) over St. Louis (2-12); Green Bay (13-1) over Chicago (7-7).

Conspiracy against Tebow? Of course, he lost to New England over the weekend. What would you expect with all the jinxes working against him? Not only was Tebow on the cover of Sports Illustrated beforehand but Republican presidential hopeful Rick Perry compared himself to Tebow. Polls indicate Perry is the fourth string candidate in the Iowa caucuses.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Dolts Still Rule Bottom Ten Land



By Steve Harvey
Updated 34 years ago last Tuesday

Colleges

(On holiday break)

Pros

A ''game-time decision" is how the NFL rated the the possibility of Indianapolis daring to show up to play Baltimore last Sunday. And, in truth, the Dolts' offense didn't arrive until the fourth quarter, scoring one touchdown in a 10-24 loss as Indy preserved its winless season and No. 1 position in the Bottom Ten.

It was, interestingly enough, the Ravens' fourth straight victory since defensive captain Ray Lewis was sidelined with a bad toe. There was, however, no indication that the team would put Lewis on injured reserve to insure that its winning streak will continue.

Elsewhere, No. 8 Kansas City (5-8) accumulated four (4) yards on offense in the first half (including minus-19 yards in the second quarter), en route to a 10-37 loss to the New Jersey Jets. The game was noteworthy only for a pioneer ruling after Jets running back Shonn Greene coughed up the ball as he spun around and fell on his rear end. Officials ruled it was not a fumble, broadcaster Ian Eagle explained, because Greene had ``two cheeks down."

There was nothing funny about the game to the Chiefs, who announced the next day that coach Todd Haley had been fired, a move that NBA commissioner David Stern tried unsuccessfully to nullify.

While Indianapolis (0-13) is the obvious favorite in the Bottom Ten race, St. Louis (2-11) and Minnehaha (2-11) have not been mathematically eliminated. The Vikes are unlikely to end their losing ways on Sunday. They host New Orleans (10-3). The temperature and point spread are expected to be in the 30s.

Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss............... Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-13).......... 10-24, Baltimore........ Tennessee
2. Buffalo (5-8)..................... 10-37, San Diego......... Miami
3. St. Louis (2-11)................. 13-30, Seattle.............. Cincinnati
4. Minnehaha (2-11)............. 28-34, Detroit............ New Orleans
5. Grampa Bay (4-9)............. 14-41, Jacksonville.... Dallas
6. Cleveland (4-9); 7. Carolina (4-9); 8. Kansas City (5-8); 9. Jets (0-8 lifetime vs. Philadelphia); 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow (1-7).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Buffalo (5-8) vs. Miami (4-9).

Fantasy Flops: RB Chris Johnson (Tenn.), 23 yards in 11 carries; RB Beanie Wells (Ariz.), 27 yards in 15 carries.

You knew it had to happen: A few minutes after broadcasters at the New England-Washington game noted that Pats QB Tom Brady had thrown 200 passes without an interception, Brady threw an interception in the end zone.

What about Tebow? Headline in NFL Magazine: ``Our man Manning. Without even playing a down, Peyton's proven he's the NFL MVP."

The Wall Street Journal's Jason Gay on Tebow's graceful style: ``He runs like he's stealing a toaster from the mall."



Tuesday, December 6, 2011

New Mexico Has What It Doesn't Take


By Steve Harvey
Bottom Ten intern
Backdated 15 minutes ago

The Colleges

Akron (1-11) and Indiana (1-11) had good reasons for not scoring over the weekend. They didn't play.

But New Mexico (1-11) had no such excuse, falling to Boise State, 0-45_its third shutout loss_to win the Bottom Ten title. Lost Lobos edged out fellow shutout victim Florida Atlantic (1-11) for the honor.

Followers of Akron, Indiana and Florida Atlantic reacted in disbelief, asking how their teams could be overlooked when they tied for most losses in the nation_11. But until a TV show sponsors a Bottom Ten playoff_how about a re-make of ``The Gong Show"?_arguments about who is No. 1 will rage on, for at least 15 seconds.

Ole Ole Miss, meanwhile, won another title of sorts_for worst bargain of a coach, USA Today reported. The Rebels went 2-10 under coach Houston Nutt, who was paid $2.8 million for the season_or $1.4 million per win, as any Ohio State math whiz could tell you.

Other high finishers were Indiana 's Kevin Wilson (one win, $1.26 million per year), Kansas' Turner Gill (one win, $1.05 million per year), and Maryland's Randy Edsall (two wins, $2 million contract).

Wreck, Record...................... Last Loss..........Bowl Invite?
1. New Mexico (1-11)........... 0-45, Boise State.......... No
2. Florida Atlantic (1-11)..... 0-26, L.A.-Monroe....... You kidding?
3. Akron (1-11)..................... 19-68, W. Michigan....... Uh, uh
4. Indiana (1-11)................... 25-33, Purdon't.............. No chance
5. UNLV (2-10)...................... 9-56, TCU...................... Get serious
6. Two Lane (2-11) ..............23-35, Hawaii................. Not Hardly
7. Maryland (2-10).............. 41-56, N.C. State............. Nope
8. Kansas (2-10).................. 10-24, Missouri................Don't ask
9. Near Miss (2-10).............. 3-31, Ole Miss State...... Nada
10. Idaho (2-10).................... 3-56, Nevada ...................Small potatoes

11. Duke (3-9); 12. Central Michigan (3-9); 13. Oregon State (3-9); 14. Washington State (4-8); 15. Rice (4-8); 16. Louisiana-Monroe (4-8); 17. Tennessee (5-7); 18. Kentucky (5-7); 19. Closed or repairs; 20. UCLA (6-7).

Should New Mexico (1-11) be in the TOP Ten? Reader Jay Berman points out that New Mexico's only win was over UNLV, and UNLV beat Hawaii while Hawaii beat Colorado. Colorado beat Arizona, and Arizona beat Arizona State, which beat USC, which beat Oregon. Therefore, New Mexico could whip Oregon handily.

The Pros

It's obvious that Indianapolis has found its quarterback of the future: Dan Orlovsky, who passed for 353 yards and two touchdowns in a 24-31 loss to New England.

His performance meant that the Dolts can now cut Peyton Manning, forget about signing Brett Favre (he's going to Chicago, anyway), and use their first-round draft choice to get a decent running back instead of that guy at Stanford. Orlovsky should lead the Dolts to victory in the 2012-2013 Super Bowl.

Former Bottom Ten luminary Arizona (5-7) fell out of contention with a 19-13 overtime win over over-rated Dallas. The Cardinals' LaRod Stephens-Howling caught a short pass and ran 52 yards for the winning touchdown, crossing the goal line before broadcasters managed to pronounce his full name.

The Cowboys would have won in regulation except that Dallas coach Jason Garrett inexplicably called time out just as his own kicker Dan Bailey was booting what would have been a 49-yard-field goal. On his second try, Bailey missed. "I was glad they iced the kicker there at the end so I didn't have to do it," said Arizona coach Ken Whisenhunt. What a howl.


Wreck, Record.................... Last Loss.................... Next Loss
1. St. Louis (2-10)..............0-26, San Francisco... Seattle
2. Indianapolis (0-12)..... 24-31, New England..... Baltimore
3. Buffalo (5-7)................. 17-23, Tennessee.......... San Diego
4. Minnehaha (2-10) .......32-35, Denver............... Detroit
5. Grampa Bay (4-8)....... 19-38, Carolina............ Jacksonville
6. Jacksonville (3-9); 7. Carolina (4-8); 8. Cleveland (4-8); 9. Dallas (7-5); 10. Rest of NFL vs. Tebow (1-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Grampa Bay (4-8) at Jacksonville (3-9) (senior discounts available).

Monday Night Crummy Game of the Weak: St. Louis (2-10) at Seattle (5-7).

Rout of the Weak: Cleveland (4-8) at the Pitts (9-3).

Fantasy Flops: RB Michael Bush (Oakland), 10 carries for 18 yards.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

BCS (Bowl Chump Series) Canceled!


By Steve Harvey

Updated 3 nanoseconds ago

Colleges

Alas, there'll be no post-season Bottom Ten Bowl series inasmuch as talks broke down with NBC to hold the competition on its show, ``The Biggest Loser."

So, four teams will be in contention for the prestigious title on Saturday: New Mexico (1-10), Akron (1-11), Indiana (1-11) and Florida Atlantic (1-10).

New Mexico is the favorite because of a favorable schedule: Lost Lobos get to close against Boise State, giving them a chance to lose by anywhere from 40 to 60 points.

No. 3 Florida Atlantic, by contrast, could actually defeat its opponent, No. 10 Louisiana-Monroe (named for James, not Marilyn).

All Akron and Indiana can do is wait_their seasons are over (for which their fans can be thankful).

The end of the season is, unfortunately, a time for firings. Sure enough, the Bottom Ten axed several staff members, including one who ranked Oregon No. 1 after the Ducks' opening loss to LSU, another who reported that the University of Texas was going to jump to the American League West and a third who believed Urban Meyer last week when Meyer said he had not been offered the coaching job at Ohio State.

Wreck, Record................................ Last Loss........................Next Loss

1. New Mexico (1-10).............................Idle.......................................Boise State
2. Akron (1-11)..................................... 19-68, W. Michigan................*
3. Indiana (1-11)....................................25-33, Purdon't...................... *
4. Florida Atlantic (1-10).......................Def. Ala. (Birm.), 38-35...........La.-Monroe
5. UNLV (2-9)...................................... 14-31, San Diego State...........TCU
6. Two Lane (2-11).............................. .23-35, Hawaii .........................*
7. Maryland (2-10)............................... 41-56, N.C. State......................*
8. Kansas (2-10).................................. 10-2, Missouri .........................*
9. Near Miss (2-10)............................. 3-31, Ole Miss State.................*
10. Louisiana-Monroe (3-8).................. Idle...........................................Florida Atlantic
11. Duke (3-9); 12; Idaho (2-9); 13. Central Michigan (3-9); 14. Oregon State (3-9); 15. Washington State (4-8); 16. Rice (4-8); 17. Tennessee (5-7); 18. Kentucky (5-7); 19. Closed Until Summer; 20. UCLA (6-6).

* Denotes season is over, done, finito, toast.

Rout of the Weak: New Mexico (1-10) at Boise State (10-1). Alternate selection: Oregon (10-2) vs. UCLA (6-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Louisiana-Monroe (3-8) at Florida Atlantic (1-10).

Correction of the Week (from the New York Times): ``A chart on Monday about the contenders for the Heisman Trophy misstated the number of passes that Southern California quarterback Matt Barkley threw and completed against UCLA on Saturday. He completed 35 of 42 passes, not 3 of 12."

Correction of the Week Comment: So that's how USC won, 50-0!

Quotebook: On his blog, UCLA athletic director Dan Guerrero promised he ``will leave no stone unturned in finding the best person" to replace fired coach Rick Neuheisel. Mused the L.A. Times' T.J. Simers: ``Do you really want UCLA finding its next football coach under a rock somewhere?"

Pros

Dan Orlovsky is starting at quarterback for Indianapolis (0-11) Sunday and it will be a familiar experience for him. His last start was in 2008 for Detroit, which went 0-16 that year. Orlovsky is replacing Curtis Painter, who hasn't figured out the art of playing quarterback in the NFL.

Unfortunately for Orlovsky and the Dolts, they face New England (8-3). The overs-and-unders for the game is 50, the same number of points the Patriots are favored to win by.

Exciting as the Dolts' winless drive may be, there was even more talk about the stomping epidemic sweeping the pro football world.

Just the other day, ex-NFL QB Joe Kapp, age 73, knocked down a former rival at a Canadian Football League annual alumni luncheon, then kicked him. Kapp is expected to be suspended from the next two annual alumni luncheons.

Kapp's outburst came on the heel of Detroit defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh of Detroit stepping on a Green Bay player. Suh (rhymes with ``shoe") will sit out the next two games, unless an appeal to halve his suspension is granted.

In order to save plane and hotel fare, Suh has rented an apartment in Manhattan to make it easier for him to commute to his weekly scoldings by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss................ Next Loss

1. Guess Who (0-11)...... 19-27, Carolina........... New England (!)
2. St. Louis (2-9)........... 20-23, Arizona ............San Francisco
3. San Diego (4-7)......... 13-16, Denver OT*........Jacksonville
4. Minnehaha (2-9)........ 14-24, Atlanta.............. Denver
5. Philadelphia (4-7)...... 20-38, New England......Seattle
6. Jacksonville (3-8); 7. Kansas City (4-7); 8. Cleveland (4-7); 9. Buffalo (5-6); 10. Rest of NFL vs. Tebow (1-4).

*OT stands for ``overcome by Tebow."

Crummy Thursday Night Game of the Weak: Philadelphia (4-7) at Seattle (4-7). NFL Network promoted it as a ``primetime showdown" in one ad. For what? The Bottom Ten title?

Crummy Monday Night Game of the Weak: San Diego (4-7) at Jacksonville (3-8).

Rout of the Weak: Guess Who (0-11) at New England (8-3).

A kicker whose aim must be good in more ways than one: Chargers kicker Nick Novak, caught by cameras urinating on the sideline during the San Diego-Denver game, told the New York Times: ``I usually go two or three times a game...We can't really go inside to do it. You just take a knee, have teammates hold up towels."

Defining Black Friday: ``Just think of it as going shopping with 5,000 Ndamukong Suhs," wrote Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times.

Monday, November 21, 2011

The turkeys of the gridiron

By Steve Harvey

Not trending: Oklahoma State, Oregon, Florida Atlantic

Colleges

The only major college football team with a winless record, Florida Atlantic came through with a 7-34 loss to ancient Troy (Ala.) to remain atop the Bottom Ten. But now the question is whether the myopic Owls can avoid victory when they go up against No. 8 Alabama (Birm.) (3-8) Saturday.

Switching from the Atlantic to the Pacific, No. 4 Tulane is expected to record its 11th loss against Hawaii, which has the home-island advantage.

In other action, Columbia University announced it was suspending the school band for serenading the beleaguered football team (1-8) with such lyrics as, Why are we even trying?/ We always lose lose lose/ But we take solace in our booze.

But officials changed their mind before gametime after the band apologized. Perhaps the school didn't want to be flagged for brass interference. And Columbia won won won.

Wreck, Record..................Last Loss..............Next Loss
1. Fla. Atlantic (0-10).............. 7-34, Troy................. Alabama (Birm.)
2. Akron (1-10)........................ 10-51, Buffalo............ Western Michigan
3. Columbia (1-9).................... Def. Brown 35-28..... Done
4. Tulane (2-10)...................... 7-19, Rice.................... Hawaii
5. UNLV (2-8)......................... 17-45, Air Force........ San Diego State
6. New Mexico (1-10)............. 10-31, Wyoming........ Boise
7. Indiana (1-10)..................... 3-55, Mich. State....... Purdon't
8. Alabama (Birm.) (3-8).......Def. So. Miss, 34-31..Florida Atlantic
9. Memphis (2-9)................... 22-23, Marshall..........Southern Miss
10. Idaho (2-9)....................... 42-49, Utah State....... Nevada

11. La. Monroe (3-8); 12. Maryland (2-9); 13. Colorado (2-10); 14. B.C. (3-8); 15. Duke (3-8); 16. Kentucky (4-7); 17. Central Michigan (3-9); 18. The Pitts (5-5); 19. Attending last episode of ``Live! with Regis and Kelly"; 20. William and/or Mary (5-6).

Pros

And, so, the number of sidelined quarterbacks grew, including Houston's Matt Schaub (bad foot), Chicago's Jay Cutler (bad thumb) and Washington's John Beck (bad passes).

Still, it was a surprise when the NFL Network announced it would no longer cover the games themselves but would concentrate solely on injuries and rename itself, Hospital Zone!

Two fascinating streaks will be on the line this Thanksgiving weekend. No. 1 turkey Indianapolis (0-10) goes up against No. 4 Carolina (2-8), a team the Dolts could actually defeat.

And New Orleans will try to snap an 0-11 record on coin flips (including one in overtime). The Saints denied that coach Sean Payton's job is in danger because of his failure to develop a prescient coin-toss caller. No doubt this issue will be covered by the ESP network.

Wreck, Record..........Last Loss..........Next Loss
1. Indianapolis (0-10).... Idle....................... Carolina
2. St. Louis (2-8)............ 7-24, Seattle........ Arizona
3. San Diego (4-6)......... 20-31, Chicago..... Denver
4. Carolina (2-8)........... 35-49, Detroit...... Indianapolis
5. Arizona (3-7)............. 7-23, San Fran.......St. Louis

6. Buffalo (5-5); 7. Minnehaha (2-8); 8. Jacksonville (3-7) ; 9 Grampa Bay (4-6); 10. Rex Ryan's predictions (5-5).

Crummy Games of the Weak: Carolina (2-8) at Indianapolis (0-10); Arizona (3-7) at St. Louis (2-8).

Fantasy Flops: Tennessee's Chris Johnson chalked up 28 no-purpose yards, 13 on the ground in 12 carries and 15 through the air on 3 receptions, in a 17-23 loss to Atlanta.

Famous Last Words: ``The biggest thing for the secondary is for us not to fall asleep," said Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis before their game against Tim Tebow and the Broncos. ``It can get boring, especially if a team keeps on just running the ball, series after series, play after play." The boring Broncos whipped the Jets, 17-13.




Sunday, November 13, 2011

Plumbing the depths

By Steve Harvey
Updated every 3.2 seconds
(And welcome to the column all you NBA fans with nothing better to do!)

Colleges

Howard Schnellenberger has a chance to become the first coach ever to win a national championship as well as the Bottom Ten title.

Schnellenberger, whose 1983 Miami (Fla.) team won it all, is now the coach of Florida Atlantic, which is a university, not an airline, and has a chance to lose it all. FA, 0-9, seized sole possession of No. 1 after the unlikely triumph of former co-leader New Mexico over UNLV.

(New Mexico (1-9), as Bottom Ten rules mandate, was suspended from the rankings for one week after the victory).

Staying on top won't be easy for FA, which still needs to lose to Troy (2-7), Alabama (Birmingham) (2-8) and Louisiana-Monroe (3-7) in order to have its name inscribed on the plaque at the Bottom Ten Hall of Fame, currently located in the back of a van in Venice, Calif.

Another big gainer in the rankings was No. 3 Tulane (2-9), which fell to Houston, 17-73. Still, the Green Wave did briefly excite fans by scoring in the fourth quarter to narrow the margin to 17-59, thus making it just a 6-possession game.

Wreck, Record................ Last Loss.......................... Next Loss
1. Florida Atlantic (0-9)........ 7-41, Florida International.... Troy
2. UNLV (2-7) ........................14-21, New Mexico................... Air Force
3. Tulane (2-9)...................... 17-73, Houston .........................Rice
4. Akron (1-9).......................... 3-35, Kent State......................Buffalo
5. Memphis (2-8).................. 35-41, Alabama (Birm.) ..........Marshall
6. Indiana (1-9)...................... 20-34, Ohio State.....................Michigan State
7. Buffalo (2-8)...................... 17-30, Eastern Michigan ........Akron
8. Idaho (2-8) ..........................7-42, BYU.................................Utah State
9. Maryland (2-8)................. 21-45, Notre Dame.................. Wake Forest
10. Oh, Miss? (2-8) .................7-21, Louisiana Tech..............LSU

11. Alabama (Birm). (2-8); 12. Arizona (2-8); 13. Oregon State (2-8); 14. Colorado (2-9); 15. B.C. (2-8); 16. Duke (3-7); 17. Kentucky (4-6); 18. Tennessee (4-6); 19. Attending NBA opener; 20. Tie between William & Mary (4-6).

Rout of the Weak: LSU (10-0) at Oh, Miss? (2-8).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Florida Atlantic (0-9) at Troy (2-5) (the Troy in Alabama, not the one in Southern California).

The Pros

It was another low for the Dolts.

Indianapolis and Jacksonville were tied 3-3 Sunday but CBS didn't share any details with viewers on its early halftime show. ``No highlights here," NFL Today anchor James Brown snapped, quickly switching away to another game after giving the score.

But the Dolts did, of course, qualify for the Bottom Ten's lowlights show!

The 0-10 Dolts lost, 3-17, and are the only team with less than two wins in the NFL. They seem a shoe-in to get first choice in the draft but what happens if they take Andrew Luck and Luck can't find the team?

Don't forget this is the franchise that packed up its stuff in 15 Mayflower trucks when things got rough in 1984 and sneaked out of Baltimore, stopping in Indianapolis reportedly because they ran out of gas.

Cleveland, meanwhile, moved up to No. 4 with a 12-13 loss to St. Louis as the Browns' Phil Dawson botched a 22-yard field goal attempt. Dawson's miss occurred because center Ryan Pontbriand's snap bounced off the foot of a teammate lined next to him. His snap, in other words, was off to the left.


Wreck, Record.......... Last Loss............... Next Loss
1. Indianapolis (0-10)...... 3-17, Jacksonville...... Idle
2. Washington (3-6)........ 9-20, Miami............... Dallas
3. Philadelphia (3-6)....... 17-21, Arizona............ N.J. Giants
4. Cleveland (3-6)............ 12-13, St. Louis.......... Jacksonville
5. Carolina (2-7)................ 3-30, Tennessee....... Detroit
6. Minnehaha (2-7); 7. St. Louis (3-6); 8. San Diego (4-5); 9. DeSean Jackson's alarm clock; 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow (1-4).

Worst Imitation of a Football Player: As Tennessee's Marc Mariani was seen returning a punt 79 yards for a touchdown against Carolina, CBS' James Brown said of kicker Jason Baker's half-hearted attempt to bring down Mariani: ``At least give us a break. Try to make the tackle."

Quotebook: Regarding the contract gripes of Philadephia WR DeSean Jackson, one fan wrote to Yahoo (his spelling and grammar was left intact): ``why did he sign such a worthless contract. he is a educated man or is he? this reminds me of Revis, mr you signed a contract live up to it all you people out there who say give him the money would you say that ifn you owned philly?" (Perhaps ifn I owned a small part of the team.)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

A Fox Warts Production



By Steve Harvey

Colleges

Lost Lobos of New Mexico (0-9) will really have to be off their game Saturday to retain a share of the Bottom Ten lead. After all, they play the nearly-as-inept Droolin' Rebels of Nevada Las Vegas (2-6) in the Crummy Game of the Year (tickets still available).

Lost Lobos are feeling the pressure from co-leader Florida Atlantic (0-8), which shows no sign of ever winning a game.

And, then there's No. 3 Alabama (Birmingham) (1-8) (sorry for all the parentheses) (it won't happen again). The Blazers poured it on themselves last week in a 13-56 drubbing by Houston.

It was a bad week for the state of Alabama, with the Crimson Tide falling to LSU, 6-9, in what some called The Game of the Century. Judging from the offensive output, those analysts apparently meant the 19th century.

Next up, Birmingham battles No. 13 Memphis (2-7) in a game known as the ``Battle for the Bones," with a gold-colored, rack-of-ribs trophy going to the winner. The matchup, according to one web site, recognizes the "renowned barbecue history" of each city.

If the game recognized the football history of each city, it might be called ``Battle for the Table Scraps."

Wreck, Record..............Last Loss...................Next Loss
1. New Mexico (0-9)........... 7-35, San Diego State.... UNLV
1. Florida Atlantic (0-8)... 21-39, Arkansas State.... Florida International
3. Alabama (Birm.) (1-8).. 13-56, Houston................ Memphis
4. Colorado (1-9)................ 17-42, USC .......................Arizona
5. Akron (1-8)...................... 3-35, Miami (O)..............Kent State
6. Indiana (1-9).................. 20-34, Ohio State............ Michigan State
7. Maryland (2-7).............. 13-31, Virginia.................. Notre Dame
8. Kansas (2-7)................... 10-13, Iowa State............. Baylor
9. UNLV (2-6).................... 21-48, Boise State............ New Mexico
10. B.C. (2-7)....................... 7-38, Florida State..........North Carolina State

11. Buffalo (2-7); 12. Arizona (2-7); 13. Memphis (2-7); 14. Ole Ole Miss (2-7); 15. Minnesota (2-7); 16. Oregon State (2-7); 17. Idaho (2-7); 18 Washington State (3-6); 19. Censored; 20. Purdon't (4-5).

Crummy Game of the Year, if not Decade: UNLV (2-6) at New Mexico (0-9).

Rout of the Weak: Wisconsin (7-2) over Minnesota (2-7).


The Pros

Miami (Fla.) hasn't been able to do anything right this year so it figure that the Dolphins would go out and win a game, thereby threatening their chances of getting Stanford's Andrew Luck in the draft.

And Miami won without cornerback Vontae Davis, who was suspended for one game after reportedly showing up for practice with alcohol on his breath. (Maybe he mistakenly thought he was supposed to study Bloody Marys, not Hail Marys.)

The Dolphins' victory left Indianapolis (0-9) as the only winless team in the NFL. The Dolts just seem unstartable. Of course, wouldn't it be interesting if Indy got the first pick and Luck pulled a John Elway---that is, refused to sign with the Dolts, as John Elway did in 1983? Elway was eventually traded to Denver.

Elsewhere, the No. 3 Philadelphia Eagles blew a 4th quarter lead for the fourth time this season, which makes you wonder. When they were buying marquee players in the offseason, why didn't they acquire Mariano Rivera as a closer?

And, welcome back, No. 8 San Diego, which rejoined the Bottom Ten on the wings of three interceptions by Philip Rivers for Norv Turnover's team.

Wreck, Record..........Last Loss......................Next Loss
1. Indianapolis (0-9)...... 7-31, Atlanta....................... Jacksonville
2. Seattle (2-6)............. .13-23, Dallas........................ Baltimore
3. Philadelphia (3-5)..... 24-30, Chicago.................... Arizona
4. St. Louis (1-7)............ 13-19, Arizona .....................Cleveland
5. Miami (Fla.) (1-7)..... Def. Kansas City, 31-3........ Washington
6. Jacksonville (2-6); 7. Washington (3-5); 8. San Diego (4-4); 9. Oakland (4-4) 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow this year (1-2).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Jacksonville (2-6) at Indianapolis (0-9).

Fantasy Flop of the Week: New England WR Chad Ochocinco, vs. N.J. Giants: no catches for no yards and no touchdowns.

Thought for the Day: Blogger/commentator Norman Chad says, "Frankly, the only sideline reporters I respect are those at the Running of the Bulls."

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Under Old Management!


By Steve Harvey

(No returns or exchanges without receipt)

The Colleges

Halloween horrors came two days early for No. 1 New Mexico (0-8). Lost Lobos fell to Air Force, 0-42, while co-leader Florida Atlantic (0-7), like a child too young to go out on trick-or-treat night, was given a bye.

As for New Mexico, ``if the Lobos don't win their next game, the Land of Enchantment officially becomes the Land of Stultifying Loss after Stultifying Loss," wrote Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald.

Meanwhile, football fans were excited about reports that the Big East Conference would add Boise State (for football only) and UCLA (for marching band only).

Wreck, Record............. Last Loss................... Next Loss
1. New Mexico (0-8)........... 0-42, Air Force............... San Diego State
1. Florida Atlantic (0-7)..... Idle................................... Arkansas State
3. Indiana (1-8).................... 38-59, Northwestern.... Ohio State
4. Idaho (1-7)........................ 14-16, Hawaii................. San Jose State
5. Colorado (1-8)................. 14-48, Arizona State..... USC
6. Alabama (Birm.) (1-7).... 14-59, Marshall.............. Houston
7. Rice (2-6) .........................34-73, Houston.............. UTEP
8. Two-Lane (2-7) ...............13-34, East Carolina..... The SMUs
9. Maryland (2-6)................ 17-28, BC ........................Virginia
10. Memphis (2-7)............... 0-41, Central Florida... Alabama (Birm.) (Nov. 12)
11. Buffalo (2-7); 12. Oregon State (2-6); 13. North Texas (3-6); 14. B.C. (2-6); 15. UNLV (2-5); 16. Akron (1-7); 17. Utah State (2-5); 18 Minnesota (2-6); 19. Your Name Here; 20. Miami (O.) (2-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Akron (1-7) at Miami (O.) (2-6).

Rout of the Week: Houston (8-0) at Alabama (Birmingham) (1-7).

Quotebook: Actor Tim Allen, as the dad on the sitcom, ``Last Man Standing": ``College is important. Without college there'd be no college football."

Feel the electricity: After Missoula police had to use tasers on two University of Montana players to break up a party, Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times reported the two were classified as ``day to day with a stinger."

The Pros

The Dallas Cows (3-4) rose to No. 5 with a 7-34 loss to Philadelphia, which did virtually everything right except for the play on which center Jason Kelce thought QB Michael Vick was taking a direct snap. Kelce hiked the ball up his own butt.

Vick, who was in shotgun formation, recovered the fumble but, as NBC broadcaster Chris Collinsworth, put it, this was a hike to file ``under the embarrassing category."

In another anatomical matter, Minnehaha defensive end Brian Robison was fined $20,000 for kicking Green Bay guard T.J. Lang in the groin during the previous week's game. Robison insisted he did not ``maliciously aim for genitalia," but would not say whether his errant kick was off to the left or to the right.

With the St. Louis Lambs' win over New Orleans (welcome back, Aints!), the ranks of the unwon dwindled to two: No. 1 Indianapolis (0-8) and No. 2 Miami (Fla.) (0-7).

The Dolts stayed on top despite the admission by Miami's Reggie Bush after a recent loss to Denver that ``right now the team stinks."

The No. 7 Buncos, with the Bad Tebow at quarterback, rebounded from that triumph to lose to Detroit 45-10. The Detroit Free Press pointed out that the NFL's website had billed the game as "Good vs. Evil." Afterward, Ndamukong Suh, the heavily-fined Detroit tackle, exulted: "Evil prevails."

Wreck, Record............ Last Loss............. Next Loss
1. Indianapolis (0-8)......... 10-27, Tennessee..... Atlanta
2. Miami (0-7)................... 17-20, N. J. Giants... Kansas City
3. Seattle (2-5).................. 12-34, Cincinnati...... Dallas
4. Arizona (1-6) .................27-30, Baltimore..... .St. Louis
5. Dallas (3-4)................... 7-34, Philadelphia.... Seattle
6. St. Louis (1-6); 7. Denver (2-5); 8. Washington (3-4); 9. Jacksonville (2-6); 10. San Diego (4-3).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Dallas (3-4) vs. Seattle (2-5).

Fantasy Flop of the Week (if not the year): Tennessee running back Chris Johnson, 14 carries, 34 yards, no TDs. (Johnson, who is averaging 2.8 yards per carry, has been held to 34 or fewer yards four times this season.)


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Pre-Halloween Horror Show


By Steve Harvey
Enforced 24 hours, 7 days a week

The Colleges

The most bizarre event of the season involved the streaker who ran on to the field disguised as a ref just before halftime of the game between Arizona and No. 10 UCLA. ESPN.com reported that impersonation charges would be filed, leading one reader to ask: Against "the streaker or the Bruins?"

It was a good question. Were those real UCLA players who trailed a 1-5 team, 7-42, at halftime? Perhaps the Bruins should be ordered to carry ID's with them when they're on the field.

Fox Sports radio host Ben Maller, referring to the fact that the NFL team with the worst record will have an opportunity to sign Stanford QB Andrew Luck, wrote: "Someone needs to tell UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel that the Bruins aren't allowed to take part in the NFL's 'Suck for Luck' campaign."

In other legal matters, LSU had three players suspended for smoking synthetic marijuana, prompting Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel to comment: ``At least in Florida our college players smoke the real thing. Question: When you smoke synthetic marijuana, do you get the mock munchies and have a craving for phony baloney?"

Synthetic refs and weed. What a year.

Wreck, Record............. Last Week ............................Next Week

1. Florida Atlantic (0-7)...14-38, Middle Tennessee................Resting
1. New Mexico (0-7).......... 0-69, TCU........................................Air Force
3. UNLV (1-5)..................... 14-41, Wyoming .............................Colorado State
4. Indiana (1-7).................. 24-45, Iowa......................................Northwestern
5. Idaho (1-6)..................... 24-31, New Mexico State.............. Hawaii
6. Minnesota (1-6)............ 14-41, Nebraska.............................. Iowa
7. Colorado (1-7)..................2-45, Oregon..................................Arizona State*
8. B.C. (1-6)........................ 14-30 Virginia Tech........................Maryland
9. Miami (O.) (2-5)........... 28-49, Toledo................................. Buffalo
10. UCLA (3-4).................. 12-48, Arizona................................ Cal
*Inadvertent italics; please ignore.

11. Akron (1-6); 12. Two Lane (2-6) ; 13. Northwestern (2-5); 14. Maryland (2-5); 15. Kansas (2-5); 16. Utah State (2-5); 17. Buffalo (2-6); 18. Memphis (2-6); 19. Censored; 20. Tennessee (3-4).

Crummy Games of the Weak: B.C. (1-6) at Maryland (2-5); Northwestern (2-5) at Indiana (1-7); Buffalo (2-6) at Miami (O.) (2-5).

Rout of the Weak: Arizona State (5-2) over Colorado (1-7).

The Pros

It was this bad: New Orleans QB Drew Brees threw more touchdown passes (5) than incompletions (4) against Indianapolis. Obviously the No. 1 Dolts really need Peyton Manning back at linebacker or cornerback or wherever he played when their defense was so much better.

No. 2 Miasma, meanwhile, continued its losing ways, becoming the first team since the NFL-AFL merger in 1970 to blow a 15-point in the last three minutes. The Dolphins rallied to lose to Denver, 15-18, after the Good Tebow replaced the Bad Tebow in the fourth quarter.

One odd footnote to the game concerning Denver's former starting quarterback was noted byprofootballtalk.com in this tweet: "Kyle Orton earns his $529,000 game check by calling the toss to start overtime. And getting it wrong."

Exiting the Bottom Ten was Jacksonville (2-5), which edged inoffensive Baltimore, 12-7. The game was noteworthy in that the Ravens' Sam Koch was asked to punt nine times. (He said yes each time). As long as he stays with Baltimore, Koch never has to worry about coming down with a case of restless legs syndrome.

Wreck, Record Last Week Next Week

1. Indianapolis (0-7).....7-62, New Orleans... Tennessee
2. Miami (Fla.) (0-6).....15-18, Tebow............. N.J. Giants
3. St. Louis (0-6)...........7-34, Dallas.............. New Orleans
4. Arizona (1-5).......... 20-32, Pitts................. Baltimore
5. Minnehaha (1-6).... 27-33, Bay (Green).....Carolina
6. Seattle (2-4); 7. Washington (3-3); 8. Denver (2-4); 9. Philadelphia (2-4); 10. Terrell Owens' workout for NFL teams (zero attendees).

Rout of the Weak: Detroit over Denver (if the Bad Tebow plays).

Rout of the Weak: Denver over Detroit (if the Good Tebow plays).


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Celebrating lousy football for 45 years!


Sending...

By Steve Harvey (first-time caller, long-time fan)

Colleges

It was the moment Bottom Ten fans had been waiting for: the release of the first BCS (Bowl Chump Series) rankings.

Yes, the first indication of who will play for the Bottom Ten championship at a site to be determined later_possibly Flushing Meadows, N.Y., or the living room of the former Aaron Spelling mansion in Bel Air. The Comedy Channel is expected to win broadcast rights.

Leading the BCS pack were Lost Lobos of New Mexico (0-6) and Florida Atlantic, which has made quite a splash with its 0-6 record.

Both schools have major tests ahead, however. New Mexico must find a way to lose to UNLV (1-5)_no easy task_on Nov. 12. And Florida Atlantic may be unable to avoid victory over Middle Tennessee (1-4) on Saturday.

By the way, if Florida Atlantic's football efforts seem comedic, it may be because the team learned something from its most famous alumnus, Scott Thompson, better known as Carrot Top.

Wreck, Record................. Last Loss..................... Next Loss
1. New Mexico (0-6)................ 7-49, Nevada...................... TCU
2. Florida Atlantic (0-6)......... 0-20, Western Kentucky.. Middle Tenn
3. Arizona (1-5)......................... Idle...................................... UCLA
4. Colorado (1-6)...................... 24-52, Washington............ Oregon
5. B.C. (1-5)................................ Idle .......................................Va Tech
6. Akron (1-5)........................... Idle....................................... Ohio (Ohio)
7. La Verne & Shirley (1-4).... 17-52, Cal Lutheran............ Chapman
8. Middle-Aged Miss (2-4)..... 7-52, Alabama.................... Arkansas
9. UNLV (1-5)............................14-41, Wyoming................. Colorado State
10. Indiana (1-6).........................7-59, Wisconsin................ Northwestern.

11. Oregon State (1-5); 12. Kansas (2-4); 13. Kentucky (2-4); 14. Buffalo (2-5); 15. Memphis (1-6); 16. Idaho (1-6); 17. Miami (Fla.) (3-3); 18. Northwestern (2-4); 19. This space for rent; 20. The Pitts (3-4).

Crummy Game of the Weak: UCLA (3-3) at Arizona (1-5).

Rout of the Week: Oregon (5-1) all over Colorado (1-6),

No audible call here: Michigan football fan Johnny Wakefield paid $150 to rent an empty Ohio Stadium for an hour to propose marriage to Ohio State fan Abbey Zellers on the 50-yard line. "She said yes," reported Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, "though her commitment isn't binding until letter-of-intent day."

The Pros

How bad are the St. Louis Lambs this year? When Green Bay drubbed them 24-3 Sunday, Packer quarterback Aaron Rodgers said afterward that he had a "feeling of minor disappointment." That's right_the Lambs are so bad this year that when you whip them by just 21 points you feel like you've had an off-day.

Lambs running back Steven Jackson, meanwhile, said, ``For whatever reason, we get into the red zone, we keep shooting ourselves in the foot." Luckily, that wasn't how QB Sam Bradford suffered his ankle injury.

Meanwhile, Miami Herald columnist Greg Cote quizzed fans on his blog on whether the No. 2 Dolphins (0-5) should throw in the towel for the year. Just under 70% said the Dolphins should keep up the losing so they can draft Stanford's Andrew Luck.

This is known as "the Suck for Luck" movement. It's too soon to tell if it will lead to sit-ins around the nation in quarterback-deprived cities.

As for the No. 6 Philadelphia Dream-Teamers, they've gone from bad to merely mediocre. The DT's edged Washington, 20-13, in a game in which 'Skinned QB Rex Grossman threw four interceptions and showed why the Washington Post's Mike Wise says he has multiple personalities: ``Good Rex, Bad Rex and Train Rex."


Wreck, Record.............Last Loss.............. Next Loss
1. St. Louis (0-5)..................3-24, Bay (Green)..... Dallas
2. Miami (0-5).....................6-24, N.J. Jets............ Denver
3. Indianapolis (0-6).........17-27, Cincinnati......... New Orleans
4. Jacksonville (1-5)..........13-17, Pitts................... Baltimore
5. Dallas (2-3)....................16-20, New England.... St. Louis
6. Philadelphia (2-4); 7. Minnehaha (1-5); 8. Carolina (1-5); 9. Arizona (1-4); 10. Tie between Harbaugh (0-0-1) and Schwartz (0-0-1).

Crummy Game of the Weak: St. Louis (0-5) vs. Dallas (2-3).

Fantasy Flops: Jacksonville QB Blaine Gabbert (12 of 26 for 109 yards, 1 TD), Washington QB Rex Grossman (9 of 22 for 143 yards, 4 interceptions, no TDs), Houston RB Arian Foster (15 carries, 49 yards no TDs).

Turned off: The NFL requires offensive linemen to wear microphones to "enhance" broadcasts. The other day, Baltimore center Matt Birk was fined $5,000 for tearing off his mic after it came loose. Call it the silence of the Ravens.

Still sending...



Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Soon to be a major motion picture---``Crummyball"!





By Steve Harvey

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Colleges

For New Mexico, the 2011 season has been a lose-lose-lose-lose-lose proposition.
Lost Lobos' (0-5) remarkable consistency enabled them to take over No. 1 in the Bottom Ten this week even though they had a bye.

They replaced Oregon State (1-4), which said bye bye to the top spot following a shocking victory over the Arizona Mildcats (1-5).

Meanwhile, Kentucky climbed to No. 10 with an impressive 3-54 loss to South Carolina while No 14. Villanova (1-5) and No. 18 Northwestern (2-3) also recorded setbacks. Those three schools share the same nickname with Arizona, which explains all the talk about realigning them into a Mildcat Conference.

Coming up fast on the outside are the Jayshocked (2-3) of Kansas, who are giving up 49.4 points and 566 yards per game. Kansas, which reached new depths with a 28-70 loss to Oklahoma State on Saturday, should be able to reach the magical 50 points-allowed-per-game average Saturday when the team is fed to Oklahoma in one of two featured Routs of the Weak.

Poll experts pointed out that the two wins by the Jayshocked, coming early in the season, may be ignored by the voters later in the year when it comes time to pick a Bottom Ten champ.

And a tip of the helmet to No. 8 Florida State (2-3), a 10-game winner last year, which has been named most disappointing team of 2011 by Yahoo Sports.

Wreck, Record....... Last Lost Next Loss
1. New Mexico (0-5).... Idle........................................... Nevada
2. Arizona (1-5)............ 27-37, Oregon State................ UCLA
3. Colorado (1-5)........... 7-48, Stanford..................... ...Washington
4. B.C. (1-5).................. 14-36, Clemson......................... Va Tech
5. Akron (1-5).............. 17-27, Florida International... Ohio (Ohio)
6. Kansas (2-3)............ 28-70, Oklahoma State........... Oklahoma
7. Indiana (1-5)............ 20-41, Ill.................................... Wisconsin
8. Florida State (2-3)..30-35, Wake Forest*............... Duke
9. UNLV (1-4)................ 0-37, Nevada.......................... Wyoming
10. Kentucky (2-4)........ 3-54, South Carolina.............. Jackson State

*This score is not a typographical error.

11. Miami (Fla.) (2-3); 12. Memphis (1-5); 13. Idaho (1-5); 14. Villanova (1-5); 15. Oregon State (1-4); 16. New Mexico State (2-3); 17. Other Miami (1-4); 18. Northwestern (2-3); 19. Campaigning in Iowa; 20. Ohio State (3-3).

Rout of the Weak (Tie) : Oklahoma (5-0) at Kansas (2-3); Indiana (1-5) at Wisconsin (5-0).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Nevada (2-3) at New Mexico (0-5).


The Pros

Minnehaha had blown leads in four straight games but even the Vikes couldn't fritter away a 28-0 lead.

They held on for a 34-10 win over 1-4 Arizona, not to be confused with the 1-5 University of Arizona, to exit the top spot in the Bottom Ten.

Minnehaha was replaced by the Philadelphia Nightmares (1-4) , whose 2011 season is over. Now they can only dream about getting a decent quarterback in next year's draft.

No. 3 Indianapolis stayed winless with a 24-28 loss to the Kansas City Chefs. Oddly enough the Chefs' winning touchdown drive was aided by a horse-collaring penalty against Indy's linebacker Philip Wheeler. How can horse-collaring penalty be called against a Colt?

Wreck, Record...................... Last Lost..............Next Loss

1. Philadelphia (1-4)....................... 24-31, Buffalo.......... Washington
2. St. Louis (0-4)............................ Idle............................. Green Bay
3. Miami (Fla.) (0-4)..................... Even Idler.................. N.J. Jets
4. Indianapolis (0-5)..................... 24-28, Kansas City... Cincinnati
5. Jacksonville (1-4) ......................20-30, Cincinnati...... The Pitts

6. Carolina (1-4); 7. Arizona (1-4); 8. Grampa Bay (3-2); 9. Denver (1-4); 10. (Tie) Yankees, Red Sox, Phillies (seasons over).

Dishonorable Mention: Philadelphia is dominating in some departments. Receiver DeSean Jackson, for example, is tied for third in most passes dropped this year with 3, trailing only Roddy White of Atlanta (6), Michael Crabtree of San Francisco (4).

Fantasy Flops: Tennessee RB Chris Johnson (51 yards in 14 carries); Denver QB Kyle Orton (6 of 13 passes for 34 yards, one interception); Grampa Bay QB Josh Freeman (17 of 33 passes for 187 yards, 2 interceptions, no TD passes).

Unclear on the concept: Against the Colts, Chefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe was penalized for delay of the game after spiking the ball following a 9-yard gain. Broadcaster Mark Malone pointed out that the real delay was caused by the officials, who stopped the game, conferred, then made the announcement to the spectators. As for Bowe's crime, Malone asked: ``Is there only one ball?"

The ghost of Al? : Replays show that when Oakland intercepted a Matt Schaub pass on the last play of the game to save a 25-20 win, the Raiders only had 10 players on the field. Or was Al Davis the 11th man? Don't count out Al, yet.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Bottom Ten, a division of Bottom Ten International



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By Steve Harvey

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The Colleges

The Meager Beavers of Oregon State (0-4) constructed a small lead in the Bottom Ten but now comes their biggest test_the streaking Arizona Mildcats (1-4), who have chalked up four straight defeats.

This is an early-season crucial for each team, a must-lose game, a die-or-die situation. They don't get much smaller than this.

It's a tough one to call. The Mildcats scored 41 points last week but look who they did it against_ USC's push-over defense. The Beavers once scored 28---against Sacramento State (while allowing 29).

Meanwhile, the Ohio State checked in at No. 18 with a miserable offensive performance in a 7-10 loss to Michigan State. But there's a "silver lining" to Ohio State's mishaps, pointed out Janice Hough on LeftCoastSportsBabe.com: "This year, the Buckeyes won't have any big-time bowl memorabilia to sell."


Wreck, Record................. Last Loss.......................... Next Loss

1. Oregon State (0-4)............... 20-35, Arizona State.............. Arizona
2. New Mexico (0-5)................ 28-42, New Mexico State...... Nevada
3. Indiana (1-4)........................ 10-16, Penn State .....................Ill
4. Western Kentucky (0-4).... 22-26, Ark. State..................... Middle Tenn
5. Memphis (1-4)..................... 31-38, Middle Tenn................ Rice
6. Colorado (1-4)..................... 27-31, Washington State........ Stanford
7. Minnesota (1-4).................... 0-58, Michigan....................... Purdue
8. Arizona (1-4)........................41-48, USC ...............................Oregon State
9. Alabama (Birm.) (0-4)...... 23-24, Troy ..............................Mississippi State
10. UNLV (1-3) .......................16-41, Southern Utah ..............Nevada

11. Akron (1-4); 12. Buffalo (1-4); 13. Nevada (1-3); 14 B.C. (1-4); 15. Idaho (1-4); 16. Eat Carolina (1-3); 17. Minute Rice (1-3); 18. Ohio State (3-2); 19. Out of the country; 20. Texas at El Wobbly Paso (2-3).

Not-so-instant replay: A review of one play during the Hawaii-Louisiana Tech game took 22 minutes, believed to be an NCAA record. The issue was whether a play from scrimmage was canceled by a time out. (I can't be more specific---no one involved could remember the details once they made a ruling.)


The Pros

The Kansas City Chefs trailed Minnehaha 7-3 early Sunday. The Chefs knew they had the Vikings right where they wanted them inasmuch as Minnehaha blows a lead every week. In their first three games of the season, the Vikes led San Diego 17-7, Tampa Bay 17-0 and Detroit 20-0, losing each time.

Sure enough, the Vikes (0-4) eventually fell as well to the previously winless Chefs, 17-22.

But now Minnehaha has another tough test_a game against a team with just one victory_Arizona. Can the Vikes go ahead and blow another one?

Sure they can, especially when they know they have to keep up the losing to stay ahead of the No. 2 Philadelphia Dream Teamers. The DT's (1-3) fell to powerful San Francisco, 23-24.

Still in contention are the St. Louis Lambs (0-4) and Miasma Dolphins (0-4), both heavy underdogs against Idle this week. The Lambs have drawn attention with their unusual hurry-up defense, which allows opponents to hurry up and score.

Wreck, Record....... Last Loss.................. Next Loss

1. Minnehaha (0-4)..... 17-22, Kansas City......... Arizona
2. Philadelphia (1-3)... 23-24, San Francisco.... Buffalo
3. St. Louis (0-4)......... 10-17, Washington........ Idle
4. Miasma (0-4)............16-26, L.A./San Diego.. Idle
5. Indianapolis (0-4)... 17-24, Grampa Bay....... Kansas City
6. Jacksonville (1-3); 7. Denver (1-3); 8. Kansas City (1-3); 9. Arizona (1-3); 10. Brett Favre (for saying in a radio interview that he's surprised that successor Aaron Rodgers didn't win a Super Bowl "sooner" since the "talent" on the current Packers is "even better than when I was there").

Crummy Games of the Week: Arizona (1-3) at Minnehaha (0-4).

Rout of the Week: Buffalo (3-1) over Dream-Teamers (1-3).

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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Not much Zip


By Steve Harvey
(Please remember to silence your cell phones before reading. Thank you.)

The Colleges

Akron went into the weekend bearing the only nickname that signified its number of wins. The Zips were 0-3.

But the pressure of being No. 1 in the Bottom Ten was apparently too much and the Zips defeated VMI, 36-13, to fall to an inglorious No. 13.

That left the top spot open to Oregon State (0-3). The meager Beavers have chalked up impressive losses to Sacramento State and the UCLA Ruins_and the season's only three weeks long.

But don't count out No. 4 New Mexico, which is tied for most games played in the nation (4) and tops in most defeats (4, of course). The Lost Lobos are obviously trying to get their season over as quickly as possible.

Wreck, Record........................ Last Loss.......................... Next Loss

1. Oregon State (0-3)........................19-27, UCLA.............................. Arizona State
2. Indiana (1-3) .................................21-24, North Texas ...................Penn State
3. Western Kentucky (0-3)..............16-44, Indiana State................ Arkansas State
4. New Mexico (0-4) ........................45-48, Sam Houston State ......New Mexico State
5. Memphis (1-3) ................................0-42, SMU (OT)*.....................Middle Tennessee
6. Colorado (1-3) ..............................17-37, Ohio State....................... Washington State
7. Minnesota (1-3).............................24-37, North Dakota State...... Michigan
8. Middle-Aged Miss (1-3)...............13-27, Georgia........................... Fresno State
9. Alabama (Birmingham) (0-3).....23-28, East Carolina................. Troy
10. Miami (Fla.) (1-2)**...................24-28 Kansas State ...................Bethune-Cookman***

*No overtime; just wanted to see if you were paying attention.
**Pending future forfeits.
***If, indeed, there is a Bethune-Cookman.

11. UNLV (1-3) ; 12. Syracuse-Toledo refs (blown call on extra-point attempt enabled Syracuse to win, 33-30); 13. Akron (1-3); 14. Buffalo (1-3); 15. New Mexico State (1-3); 16. Nevada (1-2); 17. B.C. (1-3); 18. San Jose State (1-3); 19. 404_Page Not Found; 20. Colorado (0-3).

Crummy Game of the Week: New Mexico State (1-3) at New Mexico (0-4).

(Annoying pop-up ad goes here, as soon as the Bottom Ten sells one.)

The Pros

The Minnehaha Vikings are the masters of the come-from-ahead loss_the NFL's version of the Boston Red Sox.

The Vikes have blown half-time leads of 10, 17 and 20 points, the latest collapse resulting in a 23-26 loss to mighty Detroit.

So, it's no wonder that Minnehaha is featured in the Crummy Game of the Year (so far) against equally inoffensive Kansas City. The Chefs have given up 109 points in three games, leading to rumors they may abandon their controversial O-O defensive alignment.

Meanwhile, the No. 5 Philadelphia Dream Team suffered another nightmarish loss, 16-29, to the N.J. Giants.

The Giants didn't have to fake any injuries to stop the clock, as they did against St. Louis. But, just to stay in practice against the Dream Teamers, two of their players did faint during the coin-toss.

Wreck, Record ...................Last Loss............. Next Loss

1. Minnehaha (0-3) ....................23-26, Detroit.......... K.C.
2. St. Louis (0-3) ..........................7-37, Baltimore...... Washington
3. Kansas City (0-3) ...................17-20, San Diego...... Minnehaha
4. Boston Red Sox (7-20)*......... 3-4, Baltimore .........Season Over
5. Dream Team (1-2) .................16-29, N.J. Giants..... San Francisco
6. Miami (Fla.) 0-3); 7. Indianapolis (0-3); 8. Atlanta (1-2); 9. Jacksonville (1-2); 10. Cincinnati (1-2).
*Record in September.

Crummy Game of the Week: Kansas City (0-3) vs. Minnehaha (0-3).

Rout of the Week: San Diego (2-1) over Miami (Fla.) (0-3).

Quotebook: Bungles wideout Jerome Simpson, averaging more than 20 years per catch, was detained for questioning in Crestview Hills, Ky., after the delivery of 2 1/2 pounds of marijuana to his house. Quipped Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times in his Sideline Chatter column: ``Here we thought he was a deep threat; turns out he might be a possession receiver."

Talk about a fishy story: Nelson Walker, accused of stealing Dolphins jerseys from a Miami store, showed up for his bail hearing wearing a Dolphins jersey, CBS reported. Walker, who denied the thefts, was asked by the judge about the jersey he was wearing. ``This ain't the one, Your Honor," he said. ``No, m'am. It shows I ain't took no jerseys." Walker, whose resume shows 29 offenses, was held on $5,000 bail.

Fishy story reaction: Why would anyone want a Dolphins (0-3) jersey anyway?


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Into the Abyss





by Steve Harvey
(Recorded earlier in some time zones)

The Bottom Ten was left in a shambles after the two top-rated teams, Georgia and the Fighting Rash of Notre Dame, suffered untimely victories.

The Rash defeated Michigan State, 31-13, while Georgia edged Coastal Carolina, 59-0, in a game that was closer than it looked. The Bulldogs could easily have been held to 52 points.

Whatever, both Georgia and the Rash were put on probation. A second victory for either school would result in it being banned from the Bottom Ten for the rest of the year; a third victory, under the Bottom Ten's three-strikes provision, could result in a lifetime ban.

Taking over at No. 1 was a school with no chance of compiling three wins, Akron (0-3).
The Zips were followed by B.C. (0-3), which lost to Duke in a battle of the winless, and the meager Beavers of Oregon State (0-2), who had no game last week but looked poor in practice.

Wreck, Record..............Last Loss...........................Next Loss
1. Akron (0-3)......................14-59, Cincinnati..................... VMI
2. B.C. (0-3)........................ 19-20, Duke.............................. Mass
3. Oregon State (0-2)......... Healing .....................................UCLA
4. San Jose State (0-3)....... 14-17, Nevada...........................New Mexico State
5. Alabama (Birm.) (0-2)... 10-49, Tulane.......................... East Carolina
6. East Carolina (0-2)......... Healing ....................................Alabama (Birm.)
7. Notre Dame (1-2)............ Def. Michigan State, 31-13......The Pitts
8. Georgia (1-2) ...................Def. Coastal Carolina, 59-0.....Ole Miss
9. UCLA (1-2) ......................20-49, Texas............................ Oregon State
10. North Texas (0-3)......... 0-41, Alabama......................... Indiana

11. North Carolina 2008 and 2009 teams (16 victories erased because of various NCAA infractions) ; 12. Western Kentucky (0-3); 13. Blank (Ohio) (0-2); 14. Florida Atlantic (0-2); 15. Duke (1-2); 16. Minnesota (1-2); 17.-18. (Tie) Ole Miss (1-2) and Miss State of Confusion (1-2) (or vice versa); 19. Under construction; 20. Ohio State (2-1) (dropped out of Top 25 for first time in 103 weeks after losing to Miami of Florida, 6-24).

Crummy Game of the Week: UCLA (1-2) vs. Oregon State (0-2).

You're a Bruin for four years but you're a Trojan for life...except: Refuting the old Trojan saying was ex-USC quarterback Todd Marinovich, who told the New York Times he was rooting for his younger brother, Syracuse defensive end Mikhail Marinovich, before Saturday's Orange-Trojans game. ``I hope he knocks the Trojans out," proclaimed Todd. The Trojans won, 38-17, disappointing everyone in the Marinovich family.


The Pros

The big game of the Bottom Ten season could be Oct. 9 when the Indianapolis Dolts host the Kansas City Chefs, possibly the only chance for either to win a game this year. How bad are the two?

The Dolts were actually the underdog against lowly Cleveland---in Indianapolis. And the Browns covered the spread, 27-19.

The Chefs, meanwhile, have been eaten alive by a score of 89-10 in their two losses. Only three NFL teams in the last 75 years have been outscored by more points in the same span (none of them owned by Al Davis, surprisingly enough).

Meanwhile, another team on a streak, the 0-2 St. Louis Lambs moved up to No. 5 with a 16-28 pasting by the New Jersey Giants. The Lambs were paced by running back Cadillac Williams, who didn't bother to pick up a lateral pass that went awry; the Giants' Michael Boley scooped it up and ran 65 yards for a touchdown. Cadillac Williams is now known as Edsel Williams.

Checking in at No. 8 was the Chicago Bears' offensive line, which allowed Jay Cutler
to be sacked six times and knocked down numerous other times in a 13-30 drubbing by New Orleans. The protection was so poor that even Floyd Mayweather hit Cutler with two sneak punches.

Wreck, Record........ Last Loss............ Next Loss
1. Kansas City (0-2)...... 3-48, Detroit........... San Diego
2. Indianapolis (0-2).....19-27, Cleveland..... The Pitts
3. Seattle (0-2)............... 0-24, The Pitts.......Arizona
4. Minnesota (0-2)...... 20-24,Tampa Bay.... Detroit
5. St. Louis (0-2)......... 16-28, N.J. Giants.... Baltimore

6. Jacksonville (1-1); 7. Miami (0-2); 8. Chicago Bears' offensive line; 9. Philadelphia (1-1); 10. Emmy Awards show (outdrawn by Philadelphia-Atlanta game, 21.5 million viewers to 12.4 million viewers, on Sunday night).

Rout of the Week: Cruel, merciless Detroit (2-0) over Minnesota (0-2).

Quotebook: ESPN talk show host Colin Cowherd, theorizing why the Bears' protection was so poor in New Orleans: ``The entire offensive line missed their flight and the Bears had to use busboys from the French Quarter."

(Now, we rejoin our regularly scheduled program, already in progress.)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Lowest of the Low



by Steve Harvey
(Not valid in Nebraska, or parts of South Dakota)



The Colleges

Frustrated Georgia football fans can appreciate only too well the lyric from the state song ``Georgia, oh Georgia, no peace I find..."
The Bulldogs, ranked No. 19 in AP's pre-season (TOP 25) poll, jumped to No. 1 in the Bottom Ten with a 42-45 loss to South Carolina, pushing their record to a spotless 0-2. There is so much turmoil on the team that, Uga, the school's canine mascot, is threatening to transfer to Fresno State, even if it means red-leashing for a year.
Another big disappointment to its fans is Notre Dame, the legendary Fighting Rash, which AP ranked No. 16 in the pre-season in an apparent attempt to steal laughs from the Bottom Ten. The Rash is also winless, and No. 2 in the BT.
Elsewhere, Iowa State (2-0) defeated No. 18 Iowa (1-1) by a 44-41 score in their annual grudge match, which marks the end of the season for both schools because they're too boring to play a full year.

Wreck, Record Last Loss Next Loss
1.Georgia (0-2).............42-45, South Carolina.....Coastal Carolina
2. Notre Dame (0-2)......31-35, Michigan...............Michigan State
3. Colorado (0-2)...........33-36, Cal (OT) ...............Colorado State
4. Oregon State (0-2)......0-35, Wisconsin............ UCLA
5. BC* (0-2).......................3-30, Central Florida...Duke
6. Duke (0-2) ..................10-44, Stanford...............BC**
7. San Jose State (0-2)...17-27, UCLA....................Nevada
8. Akron (0-2) .................3-41, Temple..................Cincinnati
9. Indiana (0-2)................31-34, Virginia...............South Carolina State
10. East Carolina (0-2).. 10-17, Virginia Tech..... Alabama (Birmingham)
*Not the comic strip
**Might be the comic strip

11. North Texas (0-2); 12. Minnesota (0-2); 13. Alabama (Birmingham) (0-1); 14. Blank (Ohio) 0-1); 15. UNLV (0-2); 16. Nevada (0-1); 17. Western Kentucky (0-2); 18. Iowa State (1-1); 19. Out to lunch; 20. Memphis (0-2).

Rout of the Weak: Alabama (2-0) vs. North Texas (0-2).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Duke (0-2) @ B.C (0-2).

The Pros

Much of the suspense involving the NFL season has vanished with the realization that the next Super Bowl will be a matchup of undefeated Buffalo and undefeated Detroit.
The Bottom Ten race is still competitive, though.
The Dallas Cows took possession of the top spot with a come-from-ahead 24-27 loss to the New Jersey Jets. The Cows came into the game with a franchise record of 241-0-1 in games in which they led by 14 or more points in the fourth quarter. Then they blew a 10-24 lead in that quarter.
New Jersey's other team, the Eli Manning-quarterbacked Ants, didn't fare as well, falling to Washington, 14-28. But then the Skins were quarterbacked by Rex Grossman.
Meanwhile, unreliable reports say that the Oklahoma Sooners still haven't made up their mind whether to transfer to the Pac-Whatever conference or the NFC West.

Pros

Wreck, Record............Last Loss ........Next Loss
1. Dallas (0-1)..............24-27, N.Y. Jets.........S.F.
2. N.J. Ants (0-1).........14-28, Washington....St. Louis
3. Kansas City (0-1)......7-41, Buffalo..............Detroit
4. The Pitts (0-1)..........7-35, Baltimore.........Seattle
5. Seattle (0-1)............17-33, San Francisco..The Pitts
6. Old Orleans (0-1); 7. Minnesota (0-1); 8. Indianapolis (0-1); 9. Cleveland (0-1); 10. Tennessee (0-1).

Rout of the Weak: San Francisco (1-0) over Dallas (0-1).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Seattle (0-1) at the Pitts (0-1).

Fantasy Flops: WR Chad Ochocinco (N.England), 1 catch for 14 yards; QB Donovan McNabb (Minnesota) 7 completions in 15 attempts for 39 yards and one interception; RB Chris Johnson (Tennessee) 9 carries 24 yards; RB LeGarrette Blount (Tampa Bay) 5 carries, 15 yards.

2011 All-Jurisprudence Offensive Team nominations
QB-Terrelle Prior, Oakland (suspended 5 games for violating NFL eligiblity rules)
QB-Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh (faces sexual assault suit)
RB-Cedric Benson, Cincinnati (jailed 5 days for assault)
RB-Michael Bush, Oakland (arrested for drunk driving
RB-Laurence Maroney, Denver (arrested on weapons charge)
FB-Ahmard Hall, Tennessee (suspended 4 games for using performance-enhancing substances)
WR-David Reed, Baltimore (suspended 1 game, substance abuse)
WR-Kenny Britt, Tennessee (faces charges of drug possession, resisting arrest)
G-Bobby Williams, Cincinnati (suspended 4 games, performance-enhancing substances)
T-Jason Peters, Philadelphia (arrested for disturbing peace)
Director of Pro Scouting-Shelton Quarles, Tampa Bay (arrested for DUI)
Game-Day Consultant-Jim Tressell, Indianapolis (suspended 6 games for lying to NCAA)

Next Week: the 2011 All-Jurisprudence Defensive Team nominations (and some of the players are pretty defensive about it!)

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Bottom Ten



by Steve Harvey
2 hours ago
(Or was it 2 minutes ago, or 2 days ago? Time flies so fast these days...)

The Colleges

It brought back memories of 1983, the year those long-time glorious losers, Oregon State and Oregon, played to a 0-0 tie in a game known to locals as the Toilet Bowl.
This time, the meager Beavers fell to 24-point underdog Sacramento State, 28-29. Oregon also did its part, losing to LSU, 27-40, proving that the dead Ducks (see drawing above) haven't spent enough money on recruiting.
In any event, let's have a round of applause for the state of Oregon, which once again took control of the Bottom Ten.
Elsewhere, No. 4 Miami (Fla.), with innumerable players on suspension, signed up some students in the school library but fell to Maryland, 24-32. Miami, by the way, was flagged 10 times for penalties_talk about a lack of institutional control.
The funny little SMUs made their debut at No. 9 after a 14-46 loss to Texas A$M, which, as the Bottom Ten reported exclusively last week, has agreed to join the SEC. (Our apologies to readers, however, for initially saying that the SEC that A&M was joining was the Securities and Exchange Commission, rather than the Southeastern Conference.)
Hanging on in the rankings was No. 20 USC, which, while winning, earned recognition by being held scoreless by inept Minnehaha (0-1) in the second half. But, then, as USC coach Lane Kiffin told reporters afterward, the Trojans have but ``two good players on our offense." How jealous the Oregons must be.



Wreck, Record.....................Last Loss......................................Next Loss
1. Oregon (0-1)....................27-40, LSU...................................Nevada
1. Oregon State (0-1)..........28-29, Sacramento State..........Wisconsin
3. TCU (0-1).........................48-50, Baylor..............................Air Force
4. Miami (Fla.) (0-1).......... 24-32, Maryland.........................Ohio State
5. Notre Dame (0-1)............20-23, South Florida................Michigan
6. Maryland's uniforms......Fashion world ............................New designer
7. William (0-2/3)................3-40, Virginia*...........................VMI
7. Mary (0-1/3)......................3-40, Virginia*...........................VMI
8. Indiana (0-1)...................20-27, Fum-Ball State.................Virginia
9. SMU (0-1)........................14-46, Texas A$M........................Texas at El Batted Down Paso
10. Georgia (0-1).................21-35, Boise State.......................South Carolina
*William and Mary's defense, handled by William, deserved most of blame for loss.
11. Ol' Fogy Miss (0-1); 12. Boston College (0-1); 12. New Mexico (0-1); 13. Duke (0-1); 14. Wide Awake Forest (0-1); 15. Colorado (0-1); 16. Utah State (0-1); 17. Blank (Ohio) (0-1); 18. On assignment; 19. Akron (0-1)**; 20. USC (held scoreless in second half by Minnehaha).
**Was inadvertently favored over Ohio State last week due to computer error. (Too soon to tell if Ohio State will have to forfeit its victory over Akron.)

Rout of the Weak: Wisconsin (1-0) over Oregon State (0-1) (if Oregon State shows up).

How-the-Mighty Have-Fallen Crummy Game of the Week: Notre Dame (0-1) vs. Michigan (0-0).

Quotebook: The National Catholic Register's Matthew Archbold, commenting on the profanity-laced, sidelines outbursts of Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly during the school's 20-23 loss to South Florida:
``I've had setbacks in life but I don't flip out, become so purpled-faced I look like an oompa-loompa, get in peoples faces, curse at them and chase them down so I can curse at them some more. I dont. And, if you ask me, the University of Notre Dame shouldn't allow it either."

Oompa-loompa? It's a character in the Roald Dahl novel, ``Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," who is of small stature, and has an orange complexion and green hair. (Doesn't throw out f-bombs like Kelly does, though.)

Fashion crimes Dept.: ESPN commentator Jay Biler on Maryland's multi-colored, state-flag design jerseys: ``The 1970s Houston Astros have just released a statement that they would not be caught dead in the new Maryland football uniforms."

The Pros

You can imagine the panic in Detroit where the Lions just concluded the exhibition season with a 4-0 record. When they went undefeated in the pre-season in 2008, they finished 0-16 in the regular season. Some backers printed up T-shirts that said, ``2008 Pre-Season Champions," wrote Yahoo's Nick Meyer.
This year the Lions could actually win a few games that count, maybe as many as seven, and should finish no higher in the BT than No. 10.
Some other teams that played way over their heads in the pre-season were San Francisco (2-2) and Seattle (2-2), who will be vying for last place in the NFC West Sunday, and Washington (3-1).
Others whose pre-season records actually made sense were No. 1 Cincinnati (1-3), No. 2 Carolina (1-3), and No. 3 Buffalo (1-3). The entire Cincinnati team, incidentally, is opening the season on the unable-to-perform list.
Then there's No. 8 Oakland (0-4), sentenced to spend another year in Al-catraz.
Elsewhere, New Orleans checked in at No. 9. After all, the Saints' 34-42, opening-day loss to Green Bay made them the losingest team in the NFL (0-1) at present.

Wreck, Pre-Season Record.... Next Loss ......Predicted Won-Loss Record*
1. Cincinnati (1-3) ...................Cleveland.............................1-15
2. Carolina (1-3) ......................Arizona................................2-14
3. Buffalo (1-3)..........................Kansas City........................ 4-12
4. Kansas City (0-4)................ Buffalo.................................4-12
5. Seattle (2-2)......................... San Francisco ....................5-11**
*As calculated by Bottom Ten's 1975 Altair 8800 computer.
**Inadvertent asterisk; please ignore.

6. San Francisco (2-2); 7. Washington (3-1); 8. Oakland (0-4); 9. New Orleans (0-1)***; 10. Detroit (4-0).
***2011 regular-season record.
Regional Crummy Games of the Weak: Midwest---Buffalo (1-3) at Kansas City (0-4); West---Seattle (2-2) at San Francisco (2-2).

Off-Sides! After his fellow Republican Michele Bachmann criticized the federal budget deal agreement with the Democrats, New Jersey Rep. Jon Runyan, a former Philadelphia Eagles offensive tackle, issued a broad warning at a private meeting ``about how a showboat can divide a team, bringing up the notorious loudmouth wide receiver Terrell Owens," the Los Angeles Times reported. Terrell must be proud to know his image transcends football.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Land of Cellar-Dwellers

A parody of Top Ten football polls by Steve Harvey
(Updated every 30 seconds, except on some Tuesdays)

The Colleges

With all its suspensions, Miami (Fla.) may soon announce that it's switching to 6-man football.

Whatever, the Hurricanes seem to have what it takes (or doesn't take) to win the Bottom Ten title this year, emblematic of the worst team in college football.

Right behind them in the BT's pre-season rankings are the Ohio State Blackeyes, who are coming off a winless year. The Blackeyes, you may recall, lost all their games July 8, when they were forced to forfeit their 2010 victories because several players had received illegal benefits.

QB Terrelle Pryor received the ultimate punishment_he was drafted by the Oakland Raiders.

Right behind Miami and OSU were bowl losers Oregon (0-1), Penn State (0-1) and Virginia Tech ( 0-1) (the Bottom Ten's primitive computer counts only 2011 bowl games in the 2011 pre-season rankings).

Middle Tennessee (0-1) came in at No. 10, based on its 21-35 bowl drubbing by Blank of Ohio (the former Miami of Ohio has dropped ``Miami" from its name to avoid being confused with its Florida namesake).

Wreck, 2011 Record Last Loss Next Loss

1. Miami (Fla.) ? * Maryland
2. Ohio State (0-1) T. Pryor Akron
3. Oregon (0-1) 19-22, Auburn LSU
4. Penn State (0-1) 24-37, Florida Indiana Sate
5. Virginia Tech (0-1) 12-40, Stanford Appalachian State
6. Wisconsin (0-1) 19-21, TCU UNLV
7. Texas A$M (0-1) 24-41, LSU The SMUs
8. Michigan (0-1) 14-52, Ole Miss State Western Michigan
9. Michigan State (0-1) 7-49, Alabama Youngstown State
10. Middle Tenn. (0-1) 21-35, Blank (Ohio) Purdon't

11. Fum-Ball State (0-0); 12. Western Kentucky (0-0); 13. UCLA (0-0); 14. Akron (0-0); 15. Texas (0-0); 16. Kansas (0-0); 17. Very Ole Miss (0-0); 18. Gone Fishing; 19. Vanderbilt (0-0); 20. USC (0-0).

*Exact number of Miami (Fla.) forfeit losses yet to be announced, as authorities dig through records and cash receipts dating back to school's founding in 1925.
**Don't worry, Trojan fans, USC is eligible for THIS set of rankings.

Crummy Game of the Week: Michigan (0-1) vs. Western Michigan (0-0).

Rout of the Week: Akron (0-0) over Ohio State (0-1) (admittedly, this is a hunch bet).

Worst pre-season insult: BCS winner Auburn was rated No. 23 in Associated Press' 2011 pre-season poll, the worst ranking of a returning national champion since 1960 champ Minnehaha failed to make the pre-season rankings in 1961.

Seeing red: Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy is being sued for breach-of-contract by a worker who claims he was fired from a job at Gundy's house for showing up in a University of Oklahoma baseball T-shirt, the Tulsa World reported. The suit claims Gundy yelled, ``How dare you come into my house and offend my wife?" (She was offended, Gundy explained, by the T-shirt.)

Quotebook: The Los Angeles Times reported that when a car driven by Oregon cornerback Cliff Harris was pulled over for allegedly cruising along at 118 mph, he was asked if he had any marijuana in the car. He responded: ``We smoked it all." Hey, end of problem!

Football's Shoeless Joe: The Associated Press said that police raided the apartment of LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson, accused of using his feet in a bar fight, and seized 49 pairs of his shoes_including the pair he was wearing.

Best pre-season laugh: After a Miami (Fla.) booster said that he had provided illicit benefits to 72 Hurricane athletes, President Donna Shalala said, ``Nationally, the academic achievements of our student-athletes are mentioned in the same breath and spirit as Notre Dame and Stanford."

Next Week: The Pro Bottom Ten (including some teams from the Canadian Football League) as well as the College BT (unless the NCAA has called off the season).