Dolts Still Rule Bottom Ten Land

By Steve Harvey

Updated 34 years ago last Tuesday

Colleges

(On holiday break)

Pros

A ''game-time decision" is how the NFL rated the the possibility of Indianapolis daring to show up to play Baltimore last Sunday. And, in truth, the Dolts' offense didn't arrive until the fourth quarter, scoring one touchdown in a 10-24 loss as Indy preserved its winless season and No. 1 position in the Bottom Ten.

It was, interestingly enough, the Ravens' fourth straight victory since defensive captain Ray Lewis was sidelined with a bad toe. There was, however, no indication that the team would put Lewis on injured reserve to insure that its winning streak will continue.

Elsewhere, No. 8 Kansas City (5-8) accumulated four (4) yards on offense in the first half (including minus-19 yards in the second quarter), en route to a 10-37 loss to the New Jersey Jets. The game was noteworthy only for a pioneer ruling after Jets running back Shonn Greene coughed up the ball as he spun around and fell on his rear end. Officials ruled it was not a fumble, broadcaster Ian Eagle explained, because Greene had ``two cheeks down."

There was nothing funny about the game to the Chiefs, who announced the next day that coach Todd Haley had been fired, a move that NBA commissioner David Stern tried unsuccessfully to nullify.

While Indianapolis (0-13) is the obvious favorite in the Bottom Ten race, St. Louis (2-11) and Minnehaha (2-11) have not been mathematically eliminated. The Vikes are unlikely to end their losing ways on Sunday. They host New Orleans (10-3). The temperature and point spread are expected to be in the 30s.

Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss............... Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-13).......... 10-24, Baltimore........ Tennessee

2. Buffalo (5-8)..................... 10-37, San Diego......... Miami

3. St. Louis (2-11)................. 13-30, Seattle.............. Cincinnati

4. Minnehaha (2-11)............. 28-34, Detroit............ New Orleans

5. Grampa Bay (4-9)............. 14-41, Jacksonville.... Dallas

6. Cleveland (4-9); 7. Carolina (4-9); 8. Kansas City (5-8); 9. Jets (0-8 lifetime vs. Philadelphia); 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow (1-7).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Buffalo (5-8) vs. Miami (4-9).

Fantasy Flops: RB Chris Johnson (Tenn.), 23 yards in 11 carries; RB Beanie Wells (Ariz.), 27 yards in 15 carries.

You knew it had to happen: A few minutes after broadcasters at the New England-Washington game noted that Pats QB Tom Brady had thrown 200 passes without an interception, Brady threw an interception in the end zone.

What about Tebow? Headline in NFL Magazine: ``Our man Manning. Without even playing a down, Peyton's proven he's the NFL MVP."

The Wall Street Journal's Jason Gay on Tebow's graceful style: ``He runs like he's stealing a toaster from the mall."

BCS (Bowl Chump Series) Canceled!

By Steve Harvey

Updated 3 nanoseconds ago

Colleges

Alas, there'll be no post-season Bottom Ten Bowl series inasmuch as talks broke down with NBC to hold the competition on its show, ``The Biggest Loser."

So, four teams will be in contention for the prestigious title on Saturday: New Mexico (1-10), Akron (1-11), Indiana (1-11) and Florida Atlantic (1-10).

New Mexico is the favorite because of a favorable schedule: Lost Lobos get to close against Boise State, giving them a chance to lose by anywhere from 40 to 60 points.

No. 3 Florida Atlantic, by contrast, could actually defeat its opponent, No. 10 Louisiana-Monroe (named for James, not Marilyn).

All Akron and Indiana can do is wait_their seasons are over (for which their fans can be thankful).

The end of the season is, unfortunately, a time for firings. Sure enough, the Bottom Ten axed several staff members, including one who ranked Oregon No. 1 after the Ducks' opening loss to LSU, another who reported that the University of Texas was going to jump to the American League West and a third who believed Urban Meyer last week when Meyer said he had not been offered the coaching job at Ohio State.

Wreck, Record................................ Last Loss........................Next Loss

1. New Mexico (1-10).............................Idle.......................................Boise State

2. Akron (1-11)..................................... 19-68, W. Michigan................*

3. Indiana (1-11)....................................25-33, Purdon't...................... *

4. Florida Atlantic (1-10).......................Def. Ala. (Birm.), 38-35...........La.-Monroe

5. UNLV (2-9)...................................... 14-31, San Diego State...........TCU

6. Two Lane (2-11).............................. .23-35, Hawaii .........................*

7. Maryland (2-10)............................... 41-56, N.C. State......................*

8. Kansas (2-10).................................. 10-2, Missouri .........................*

9. Near Miss (2-10)............................. 3-31, Ole Miss State.................*

10. Louisiana-Monroe (3-8).................. Idle...........................................Florida Atlantic

11. Duke (3-9); 12; Idaho (2-9); 13. Central Michigan (3-9); 14. Oregon State (3-9); 15. Washington State (4-8); 16. Rice (4-8); 17. Tennessee (5-7); 18. Kentucky (5-7); 19. Closed Until Summer; 20. UCLA (6-6).

* Denotes season is over, done, finito, toast.

Rout of the Weak: New Mexico (1-10) at Boise State (10-1). Alternate selection: Oregon (10-2) vs. UCLA (6-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Louisiana-Monroe (3-8) at Florida Atlantic (1-10).

Correction of the Week (from the New York Times): ``A chart on Monday about the contenders for the Heisman Trophy misstated the number of passes that Southern California quarterback Matt Barkley threw and completed against UCLA on Saturday. He completed 35 of 42 passes, not 3 of 12."

Correction of the Week Comment: So that's how USC won, 50-0!

Quotebook: On his blog, UCLA athletic director Dan Guerrero promised he ``will leave no stone unturned in finding the best person" to replace fired coach Rick Neuheisel. Mused the L.A. Times' T.J. Simers: ``Do you really want UCLA finding its next football coach under a rock somewhere?"

Pros

Dan Orlovsky is starting at quarterback for Indianapolis (0-11) Sunday and it will be a familiar experience for him. His last start was in 2008 for Detroit, which went 0-16 that year. Orlovsky is replacing Curtis Painter, who hasn't figured out the art of playing quarterback in the NFL.

Unfortunately for Orlovsky and the Dolts, they face New England (8-3). The overs-and-unders for the game is 50, the same number of points the Patriots are favored to win by.

Exciting as the Dolts' winless drive may be, there was even more talk about the stomping epidemic sweeping the pro football world.

Just the other day, ex-NFL QB Joe Kapp, age 73, knocked down a former rival at a Canadian Football League annual alumni luncheon, then kicked him. Kapp is expected to be suspended from the next two annual alumni luncheons.

Kapp's outburst came on the heel of Detroit defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh of Detroit stepping on a Green Bay player. Suh (rhymes with ``shoe") will sit out the next two games, unless an appeal to halve his suspension is granted.

In order to save plane and hotel fare, Suh has rented an apartment in Manhattan to make it easier for him to commute to his weekly scoldings by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss................ Next Loss

1. Guess Who (0-11)...... 19-27, Carolina........... New England (!)

2. St. Louis (2-9)........... 20-23, Arizona ............San Francisco

3. San Diego (4-7)......... 13-16, Denver OT*........Jacksonville

4. Minnehaha (2-9)........ 14-24, Atlanta.............. Denver

5. Philadelphia (4-7)...... 20-38, New England......Seattle

6. Jacksonville (3-8); 7. Kansas City (4-7); 8. Cleveland (4-7); 9. Buffalo (5-6); 10. Rest of NFL vs. Tebow (1-4).

*OT stands for ``overcome by Tebow."

Crummy Thursday Night Game of the Weak: Philadelphia (4-7) at Seattle (4-7). NFL Network promoted it as a ``primetime showdown" in one ad. For what? The Bottom Ten title?

Crummy Monday Night Game of the Weak: San Diego (4-7) at Jacksonville (3-8).

Rout of the Weak: Guess Who (0-11) at New England (8-3).

A kicker whose aim must be good in more ways than one: Chargers kicker Nick Novak, caught by cameras urinating on the sideline during the San Diego-Denver game, told the New York Times: ``I usually go two or three times a game...We can't really go inside to do it. You just take a knee, have teammates hold up towels."

Defining Black Friday: ``Just think of it as going shopping with 5,000 Ndamukong Suhs," wrote Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times.

The turkeys of the gridiron

By Steve Harvey

Not trending: Oklahoma State, Oregon, Florida Atlantic

Colleges

The only major college football team with a winless record, Florida Atlantic came through with a 7-34 loss to ancient Troy (Ala.) to remain atop the Bottom Ten. But now the question is whether the myopic Owls can avoid victory when they go up against No. 8 Alabama (Birm.) (3-8) Saturday.

Switching from the Atlantic to the Pacific, No. 4 Tulane is expected to record its 11th loss against Hawaii, which has the home-island advantage.

In other action, Columbia University announced it was suspending the school band for serenading the beleaguered football team (1-8) with such lyrics as, Why are we even trying?/ We always lose lose lose/ But we take solace in our booze.

But officials changed their mind before gametime after the band apologized. Perhaps the school didn't want to be flagged for brass interference. And Columbia won won won.

Wreck, Record..................Last Loss..............Next Loss

1. Fla. Atlantic (0-10).............. 7-34, Troy................. Alabama (Birm.)

2. Akron (1-10)........................ 10-51, Buffalo............ Western Michigan

3. Columbia (1-9).................... Def. Brown 35-28..... Done

4. Tulane (2-10)...................... 7-19, Rice.................... Hawaii

5. UNLV (2-8)......................... 17-45, Air Force........ San Diego State

6. New Mexico (1-10)............. 10-31, Wyoming........ Boise

7. Indiana (1-10)..................... 3-55, Mich. State....... Purdon't

8. Alabama (Birm.) (3-8).......Def. So. Miss, 34-31..Florida Atlantic

9. Memphis (2-9)................... 22-23, Marshall..........Southern Miss

10. Idaho (2-9)....................... 42-49, Utah State....... Nevada

11. La. Monroe (3-8); 12. Maryland (2-9); 13. Colorado (2-10); 14. B.C. (3-8); 15. Duke (3-8); 16. Kentucky (4-7); 17. Central Michigan (3-9); 18. The Pitts (5-5); 19. Attending last episode of ``Live! with Regis and Kelly"; 20. William and/or Mary (5-6).

Pros

And, so, the number of sidelined quarterbacks grew, including Houston's Matt Schaub (bad foot), Chicago's Jay Cutler (bad thumb) and Washington's John Beck (bad passes).

Still, it was a surprise when the NFL Network announced it would no longer cover the games themselves but would concentrate solely on injuries and rename itself, Hospital Zone!

Two fascinating streaks will be on the line this Thanksgiving weekend. No. 1 turkey Indianapolis (0-10) goes up against No. 4 Carolina (2-8), a team the Dolts could actually defeat.

And New Orleans will try to snap an 0-11 record on coin flips (including one in overtime). The Saints denied that coach Sean Payton's job is in danger because of his failure to develop a prescient coin-toss caller. No doubt this issue will be covered by the ESP network.

Wreck, Record..........Last Loss..........Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-10).... Idle....................... Carolina

2. St. Louis (2-8)............ 7-24, Seattle........ Arizona

3. San Diego (4-6)......... 20-31, Chicago..... Denver

4. Carolina (2-8)........... 35-49, Detroit...... Indianapolis

5. Arizona (3-7)............. 7-23, San Fran.......St. Louis

6. Buffalo (5-5); 7. Minnehaha (2-8); 8. Jacksonville (3-7) ; 9 Grampa Bay (4-6); 10. Rex Ryan's predictions (5-5).

Crummy Games of the Weak: Carolina (2-8) at Indianapolis (0-10); Arizona (3-7) at St. Louis (2-8).

Fantasy Flops: Tennessee's Chris Johnson chalked up 28 no-purpose yards, 13 on the ground in 12 carries and 15 through the air on 3 receptions, in a 17-23 loss to Atlanta.

Famous Last Words: ``The biggest thing for the secondary is for us not to fall asleep," said Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis before their game against Tim Tebow and the Broncos. ``It can get boring, especially if a team keeps on just running the ball, series after series, play after play." The boring Broncos whipped the Jets, 17-13.

The Bottom Ten

by Steve Harvey

2 hours ago

(Or was it 2 minutes ago, or 2 days ago? Time flies so fast these days...)

The Colleges

It brought back memories of 1983, the year those long-time glorious losers, Oregon State and Oregon, played to a 0-0 tie in a game known to locals as the Toilet Bowl.

This time, the meager Beavers fell to 24-point underdog Sacramento State, 28-29. Oregon also did its part, losing to LSU, 27-40, proving that the dead Ducks (see drawing above) haven't spent enough money on recruiting.

In any event, let's have a round of applause for the state of Oregon, which once again took control of the Bottom Ten.

Elsewhere, No. 4 Miami (Fla.), with innumerable players on suspension, signed up some students in the school library but fell to Maryland, 24-32. Miami, by the way, was flagged 10 times for penalties_talk about a lack of institutional control.

The funny little SMUs made their debut at No. 9 after a 14-46 loss to Texas A$M, which, as the Bottom Ten reported exclusively last week, has agreed to join the SEC. (Our apologies to readers, however, for initially saying that the SEC that A&M was joining was the Securities and Exchange Commission, rather than the Southeastern Conference.)

Hanging on in the rankings was No. 20 USC, which, while winning, earned recognition by being held scoreless by inept Minnehaha (0-1) in the second half. But, then, as USC coach Lane Kiffin told reporters afterward, the Trojans have but ``two good players on our offense." How jealous the Oregons must be.

Wreck, Record.....................Last Loss......................................Next Loss

1. Oregon (0-1)....................27-40, LSU...................................Nevada

1. Oregon State (0-1)..........28-29, Sacramento State..........Wisconsin

3. TCU (0-1).........................48-50, Baylor..............................Air Force

4. Miami (Fla.) (0-1).......... 24-32, Maryland.........................Ohio State

5. Notre Dame (0-1)............20-23, South Florida................Michigan

6. Maryland's uniforms......Fashion world ............................New designer

7. William (0-2/3)................3-40, Virginia*...........................VMI

7. Mary (0-1/3)......................3-40, Virginia*...........................VMI

8. Indiana (0-1)...................20-27, Fum-Ball State.................Virginia

9. SMU (0-1)........................14-46, Texas A$M........................Texas at El Batted Down Paso

10. Georgia (0-1).................21-35, Boise State.......................South Carolina

*William and Mary's defense, handled by William, deserved most of blame for loss.

11. Ol' Fogy Miss (0-1); 12. Boston College (0-1); 12. New Mexico (0-1); 13. Duke (0-1); 14. Wide Awake Forest (0-1); 15. Colorado (0-1); 16. Utah State (0-1); 17. Blank (Ohio) (0-1); 18. On assignment; 19. Akron (0-1)**; 20. USC (held scoreless in second half by Minnehaha).

**Was inadvertently favored over Ohio State last week due to computer error. (Too soon to tell if Ohio State will have to forfeit its victory over Akron.)

Rout of the Weak: Wisconsin (1-0) over Oregon State (0-1) (if Oregon State shows up).

How-the-Mighty Have-Fallen Crummy Game of the Week: Notre Dame (0-1) vs. Michigan (0-0).

Quotebook: The National Catholic Register's Matthew Archbold, commenting on the profanity-laced, sidelines outbursts of Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly during the school's 20-23 loss to South Florida:

``I've had setbacks in life but I don't flip out, become so purpled-faced I look like an oompa-loompa, get in peoples faces, curse at them and chase them down so I can curse at them some more. I dont. And, if you ask me, the University of Notre Dame shouldn't allow it either."

Oompa-loompa? It's a character in the Roald Dahl novel, ``Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," who is of small stature, and has an orange complexion and green hair. (Doesn't throw out f-bombs like Kelly does, though.)

Fashion crimes Dept.: ESPN commentator Jay Biler on Maryland's multi-colored, state-flag design jerseys: ``The 1970s Houston Astros have just released a statement that they would not be caught dead in the new Maryland football uniforms."

The Pros

You can imagine the panic in Detroit where the Lions just concluded the exhibition season with a 4-0 record. When they went undefeated in the pre-season in 2008, they finished 0-16 in the regular season. Some backers printed up T-shirts that said, ``2008 Pre-Season Champions," wrote Yahoo's Nick Meyer.

This year the Lions could actually win a few games that count, maybe as many as seven, and should finish no higher in the BT than No. 10.

Some other teams that played way over their heads in the pre-season were San Francisco (2-2) and Seattle (2-2), who will be vying for last place in the NFC West Sunday, and Washington (3-1).

Others whose pre-season records actually made sense were No. 1 Cincinnati (1-3), No. 2 Carolina (1-3), and No. 3 Buffalo (1-3). The entire Cincinnati team, incidentally, is opening the season on the unable-to-perform list.

Then there's No. 8 Oakland (0-4), sentenced to spend another year in Al-catraz.

Elsewhere, New Orleans checked in at No. 9. After all, the Saints' 34-42, opening-day loss to Green Bay made them the losingest team in the NFL (0-1) at present.

Wreck, Pre-Season Record.... Next Loss ......Predicted Won-Loss Record*

1. Cincinnati (1-3) ...................Cleveland.............................1-15

2. Carolina (1-3) ......................Arizona................................2-14

3. Buffalo (1-3)..........................Kansas City........................ 4-12

4. Kansas City (0-4)................ Buffalo.................................4-12

5. Seattle (2-2)......................... San Francisco ....................5-11**

*As calculated by Bottom Ten's 1975 Altair 8800 computer.

**Inadvertent asterisk; please ignore.

6. San Francisco (2-2); 7. Washington (3-1); 8. Oakland (0-4); 9. New Orleans (0-1)***; 10. Detroit (4-0).

***2011 regular-season record.

Regional Crummy Games of the Weak: Midwest---Buffalo (1-3) at Kansas City (0-4); West---Seattle (2-2) at San Francisco (2-2).

Off-Sides! After his fellow Republican Michele Bachmann criticized the federal budget deal agreement with the Democrats, New Jersey Rep. Jon Runyan, a former Philadelphia Eagles offensive tackle, issued a broad warning at a private meeting ``about how a showboat can divide a team, bringing up the notorious loudmouth wide receiver Terrell Owens," the Los Angeles Times reported. Terrell must be proud to know his image transcends football.