Plumbing the depths

By Steve Harvey

Updated every 3.2 seconds

(And welcome to the column all you NBA fans with nothing better to do!)

Colleges

Howard Schnellenberger has a chance to become the first coach ever to win a national championship as well as the Bottom Ten title.

Schnellenberger, whose 1983 Miami (Fla.) team won it all, is now the coach of Florida Atlantic, which is a university, not an airline, and has a chance to lose it all. FA, 0-9, seized sole possession of No. 1 after the unlikely triumph of former co-leader New Mexico over UNLV.

(New Mexico (1-9), as Bottom Ten rules mandate, was suspended from the rankings for one week after the victory).

Staying on top won't be easy for FA, which still needs to lose to Troy (2-7), Alabama (Birmingham) (2-8) and Louisiana-Monroe (3-7) in order to have its name inscribed on the plaque at the Bottom Ten Hall of Fame, currently located in the back of a van in Venice, Calif.

Another big gainer in the rankings was No. 3 Tulane (2-9), which fell to Houston, 17-73. Still, the Green Wave did briefly excite fans by scoring in the fourth quarter to narrow the margin to 17-59, thus making it just a 6-possession game.

Wreck, Record................ Last Loss.......................... Next Loss

1. Florida Atlantic (0-9)........ 7-41, Florida International.... Troy

2. UNLV (2-7) ........................14-21, New Mexico................... Air Force

3. Tulane (2-9)...................... 17-73, Houston .........................Rice

4. Akron (1-9).......................... 3-35, Kent State......................Buffalo

5. Memphis (2-8).................. 35-41, Alabama (Birm.) ..........Marshall

6. Indiana (1-9)...................... 20-34, Ohio State.....................Michigan State

7. Buffalo (2-8)...................... 17-30, Eastern Michigan ........Akron

8. Idaho (2-8) ..........................7-42, BYU.................................Utah State

9. Maryland (2-8)................. 21-45, Notre Dame.................. Wake Forest

10. Oh, Miss? (2-8) .................7-21, Louisiana Tech..............LSU

11. Alabama (Birm). (2-8); 12. Arizona (2-8); 13. Oregon State (2-8); 14. Colorado (2-9); 15. B.C. (2-8); 16. Duke (3-7); 17. Kentucky (4-6); 18. Tennessee (4-6); 19. Attending NBA opener; 20. Tie between William & Mary (4-6).

Rout of the Weak: LSU (10-0) at Oh, Miss? (2-8).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Florida Atlantic (0-9) at Troy (2-5) (the Troy in Alabama, not the one in Southern California).

The Pros

It was another low for the Dolts.

Indianapolis and Jacksonville were tied 3-3 Sunday but CBS didn't share any details with viewers on its early halftime show. ``No highlights here," NFL Today anchor James Brown snapped, quickly switching away to another game after giving the score.

But the Dolts did, of course, qualify for the Bottom Ten's lowlights show!

The 0-10 Dolts lost, 3-17, and are the only team with less than two wins in the NFL. They seem a shoe-in to get first choice in the draft but what happens if they take Andrew Luck and Luck can't find the team?

Don't forget this is the franchise that packed up its stuff in 15 Mayflower trucks when things got rough in 1984 and sneaked out of Baltimore, stopping in Indianapolis reportedly because they ran out of gas.

Cleveland, meanwhile, moved up to No. 4 with a 12-13 loss to St. Louis as the Browns' Phil Dawson botched a 22-yard field goal attempt. Dawson's miss occurred because center Ryan Pontbriand's snap bounced off the foot of a teammate lined next to him. His snap, in other words, was off to the left.

Wreck, Record.......... Last Loss............... Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-10)...... 3-17, Jacksonville...... Idle

2. Washington (3-6)........ 9-20, Miami............... Dallas

3. Philadelphia (3-6)....... 17-21, Arizona............ N.J. Giants

4. Cleveland (3-6)............ 12-13, St. Louis.......... Jacksonville

5. Carolina (2-7)................ 3-30, Tennessee....... Detroit

6. Minnehaha (2-7); 7. St. Louis (3-6); 8. San Diego (4-5); 9. DeSean Jackson's alarm clock; 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow (1-4).

Worst Imitation of a Football Player: As Tennessee's Marc Mariani was seen returning a punt 79 yards for a touchdown against Carolina, CBS' James Brown said of kicker Jason Baker's half-hearted attempt to bring down Mariani: ``At least give us a break. Try to make the tackle."

Quotebook: Regarding the contract gripes of Philadephia WR DeSean Jackson, one fan wrote to Yahoo (his spelling and grammar was left intact): ``why did he sign such a worthless contract. he is a educated man or is he? this reminds me of Revis, mr you signed a contract live up to it all you people out there who say give him the money would you say that ifn you owned philly?" (Perhaps ifn I owned a small part of the team.)

Soon to be a major motion picture---``Crummyball"!

By Steve Harvey

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Colleges

For New Mexico, the 2011 season has been a lose-lose-lose-lose-lose proposition.

Lost Lobos' (0-5) remarkable consistency enabled them to take over No. 1 in the Bottom Ten this week even though they had a bye.

They replaced Oregon State (1-4), which said bye bye to the top spot following a shocking victory over the Arizona Mildcats (1-5).

Meanwhile, Kentucky climbed to No. 10 with an impressive 3-54 loss to South Carolina while No 14. Villanova (1-5) and No. 18 Northwestern (2-3) also recorded setbacks. Those three schools share the same nickname with Arizona, which explains all the talk about realigning them into a Mildcat Conference.

Coming up fast on the outside are the Jayshocked (2-3) of Kansas, who are giving up 49.4 points and 566 yards per game. Kansas, which reached new depths with a 28-70 loss to Oklahoma State on Saturday, should be able to reach the magical 50 points-allowed-per-game average Saturday when the team is fed to Oklahoma in one of two featured Routs of the Weak.

Poll experts pointed out that the two wins by the Jayshocked, coming early in the season, may be ignored by the voters later in the year when it comes time to pick a Bottom Ten champ.

And a tip of the helmet to No. 8 Florida State (2-3), a 10-game winner last year, which has been named most disappointing team of 2011 by Yahoo Sports.

Wreck, Record....... Last Lost Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-5).... Idle........................................... Nevada

2. Arizona (1-5)............ 27-37, Oregon State................ UCLA

3. Colorado (1-5)........... 7-48, Stanford..................... ...Washington

4. B.C. (1-5).................. 14-36, Clemson......................... Va Tech

5. Akron (1-5).............. 17-27, Florida International... Ohio (Ohio)

6. Kansas (2-3)............ 28-70, Oklahoma State........... Oklahoma

7. Indiana (1-5)............ 20-41, Ill.................................... Wisconsin

8. Florida State (2-3)..30-35, Wake Forest*............... Duke

9. UNLV (1-4)................ 0-37, Nevada.......................... Wyoming

10. Kentucky (2-4)........ 3-54, South Carolina.............. Jackson State

*This score is not a typographical error.

11. Miami (Fla.) (2-3); 12. Memphis (1-5); 13. Idaho (1-5); 14. Villanova (1-5); 15. Oregon State (1-4); 16. New Mexico State (2-3); 17. Other Miami (1-4); 18. Northwestern (2-3); 19. Campaigning in Iowa; 20. Ohio State (3-3).

Rout of the Weak (Tie) : Oklahoma (5-0) at Kansas (2-3); Indiana (1-5) at Wisconsin (5-0).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Nevada (2-3) at New Mexico (0-5).

The Pros

Minnehaha had blown leads in four straight games but even the Vikes couldn't fritter away a 28-0 lead.

They held on for a 34-10 win over 1-4 Arizona, not to be confused with the 1-5 University of Arizona, to exit the top spot in the Bottom Ten.

Minnehaha was replaced by the Philadelphia Nightmares (1-4) , whose 2011 season is over. Now they can only dream about getting a decent quarterback in next year's draft.

No. 3 Indianapolis stayed winless with a 24-28 loss to the Kansas City Chefs. Oddly enough the Chefs' winning touchdown drive was aided by a horse-collaring penalty against Indy's linebacker Philip Wheeler. How can horse-collaring penalty be called against a Colt?

Wreck, Record...................... Last Lost..............Next Loss

1. Philadelphia (1-4)....................... 24-31, Buffalo.......... Washington

2. St. Louis (0-4)............................ Idle............................. Green Bay

3. Miami (Fla.) (0-4)..................... Even Idler.................. N.J. Jets

4. Indianapolis (0-5)..................... 24-28, Kansas City... Cincinnati

5. Jacksonville (1-4) ......................20-30, Cincinnati...... The Pitts

6. Carolina (1-4); 7. Arizona (1-4); 8. Grampa Bay (3-2); 9. Denver (1-4); 10. (Tie) Yankees, Red Sox, Phillies (seasons over).

Dishonorable Mention: Philadelphia is dominating in some departments. Receiver DeSean Jackson, for example, is tied for third in most passes dropped this year with 3, trailing only Roddy White of Atlanta (6), Michael Crabtree of San Francisco (4).

Fantasy Flops: Tennessee RB Chris Johnson (51 yards in 14 carries); Denver QB Kyle Orton (6 of 13 passes for 34 yards, one interception); Grampa Bay QB Josh Freeman (17 of 33 passes for 187 yards, 2 interceptions, no TD passes).

Unclear on the concept: Against the Colts, Chefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe was penalized for delay of the game after spiking the ball following a 9-yard gain. Broadcaster Mark Malone pointed out that the real delay was caused by the officials, who stopped the game, conferred, then made the announcement to the spectators. As for Bowe's crime, Malone asked: ``Is there only one ball?"

The ghost of Al? : Replays show that when Oakland intercepted a Matt Schaub pass on the last play of the game to save a 25-20 win, the Raiders only had 10 players on the field. Or was Al Davis the 11th man? Don't count out Al, yet.