Celebrating lousy football for 45 years!

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By Steve Harvey (first-time caller, long-time fan)

Colleges

It was the moment Bottom Ten fans had been waiting for: the release of the first BCS (Bowl Chump Series) rankings.

Yes, the first indication of who will play for the Bottom Ten championship at a site to be determined later_possibly Flushing Meadows, N.Y., or the living room of the former Aaron Spelling mansion in Bel Air. The Comedy Channel is expected to win broadcast rights.

Leading the BCS pack were Lost Lobos of New Mexico (0-6) and Florida Atlantic, which has made quite a splash with its 0-6 record.

Both schools have major tests ahead, however. New Mexico must find a way to lose to UNLV (1-5)_no easy task_on Nov. 12. And Florida Atlantic may be unable to avoid victory over Middle Tennessee (1-4) on Saturday.

By the way, if Florida Atlantic's football efforts seem comedic, it may be because the team learned something from its most famous alumnus, Scott Thompson, better known as Carrot Top.

Wreck, Record................. Last Loss..................... Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-6)................ 7-49, Nevada...................... TCU

2. Florida Atlantic (0-6)......... 0-20, Western Kentucky.. Middle Tenn

3. Arizona (1-5)......................... Idle...................................... UCLA

4. Colorado (1-6)...................... 24-52, Washington............ Oregon

5. B.C. (1-5)................................ Idle .......................................Va Tech

6. Akron (1-5)........................... Idle....................................... Ohio (Ohio)

7. La Verne & Shirley (1-4).... 17-52, Cal Lutheran............ Chapman

8. Middle-Aged Miss (2-4)..... 7-52, Alabama.................... Arkansas

9. UNLV (1-5)............................14-41, Wyoming................. Colorado State

10. Indiana (1-6).........................7-59, Wisconsin................ Northwestern.

11. Oregon State (1-5); 12. Kansas (2-4); 13. Kentucky (2-4); 14. Buffalo (2-5); 15. Memphis (1-6); 16. Idaho (1-6); 17. Miami (Fla.) (3-3); 18. Northwestern (2-4); 19. This space for rent; 20. The Pitts (3-4).

Crummy Game of the Weak: UCLA (3-3) at Arizona (1-5).

Rout of the Week: Oregon (5-1) all over Colorado (1-6),

No audible call here: Michigan football fan Johnny Wakefield paid $150 to rent an empty Ohio Stadium for an hour to propose marriage to Ohio State fan Abbey Zellers on the 50-yard line. "She said yes," reported Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, "though her commitment isn't binding until letter-of-intent day."

The Pros

How bad are the St. Louis Lambs this year? When Green Bay drubbed them 24-3 Sunday, Packer quarterback Aaron Rodgers said afterward that he had a "feeling of minor disappointment." That's right_the Lambs are so bad this year that when you whip them by just 21 points you feel like you've had an off-day.

Lambs running back Steven Jackson, meanwhile, said, ``For whatever reason, we get into the red zone, we keep shooting ourselves in the foot." Luckily, that wasn't how QB Sam Bradford suffered his ankle injury.

Meanwhile, Miami Herald columnist Greg Cote quizzed fans on his blog on whether the No. 2 Dolphins (0-5) should throw in the towel for the year. Just under 70% said the Dolphins should keep up the losing so they can draft Stanford's Andrew Luck.

This is known as "the Suck for Luck" movement. It's too soon to tell if it will lead to sit-ins around the nation in quarterback-deprived cities.

As for the No. 6 Philadelphia Dream-Teamers, they've gone from bad to merely mediocre. The DT's edged Washington, 20-13, in a game in which 'Skinned QB Rex Grossman threw four interceptions and showed why the Washington Post's Mike Wise says he has multiple personalities: ``Good Rex, Bad Rex and Train Rex."

Wreck, Record.............Last Loss.............. Next Loss

1. St. Louis (0-5)..................3-24, Bay (Green)..... Dallas

2. Miami (0-5).....................6-24, N.J. Jets............ Denver

3. Indianapolis (0-6).........17-27, Cincinnati......... New Orleans

4. Jacksonville (1-5)..........13-17, Pitts................... Baltimore

5. Dallas (2-3)....................16-20, New England.... St. Louis

6. Philadelphia (2-4); 7. Minnehaha (1-5); 8. Carolina (1-5); 9. Arizona (1-4); 10. Tie between Harbaugh (0-0-1) and Schwartz (0-0-1).

Crummy Game of the Weak: St. Louis (0-5) vs. Dallas (2-3).

Fantasy Flops: Jacksonville QB Blaine Gabbert (12 of 26 for 109 yards, 1 TD), Washington QB Rex Grossman (9 of 22 for 143 yards, 4 interceptions, no TDs), Houston RB Arian Foster (15 carries, 49 yards no TDs).

Turned off: The NFL requires offensive linemen to wear microphones to "enhance" broadcasts. The other day, Baltimore center Matt Birk was fined $5,000 for tearing off his mic after it came loose. Call it the silence of the Ravens.

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