Friday, January 3, 2014

Everything's bigger in Texas, including the losers


Your (Weekly) Autumn Movie Guide to Movies You Should Watch Again: Technical Difficulties



By Steve Harvey
Minority Partner
Bottom Ten


The only thing that could stop Houston from losing games was the end of the season. (The Bottom Ten does not recognize the playoffs as part of the season).

The Texans dropped their last 14 games to capture the Bottom Ten title.

 They also held on to their distinction of being one of four current teams that have never appeared in a Super Bowl (others: the No. 6 Jaguars, the No. 3 Browns and the No. 8 Lions).

No. 10 Dallas also fell short---America's Team has one playoff win in the last 18 years. But owner Jerry Jones shockingly gave a vote of confidence to general manager Jerry Jones, according to a press release from media spokesman Jerry Jones, distributed by chief intern Jerry Jones.

The No. 5 Raiders, meanwhile, failed to have a winning season for the 11th straight year. The Browns finished under .500 for the 10th time in 11 years.

No. 2 Washington owner Dan Snyder kept alive his personal streak by axing Mike Shanahan_since buying the team in 1999, Snyder has never stayed more than four years with one coach. Too bad Washington fans have had to stay with one owner.

And, a special note on RB Steven Jackson, who, in 13 years, has never played on a team that finished over. 500. This year he labored for No. 7 Atlantis (4-12). Before that he was stuck on the Rams, poor fellow.

Wreck, Record .................Last Loss .....................Status of Coach

1. Houston (2-14) ............10-16, Tennessee......... Gone
2. Washington (3-13)......... 6-20, N.J Giants........ Finito
3. Cleveland (4-12)...........  7-20, Pitts.................. G'bye
4. Grampa Bay (4-12)...... 17-42, New Orleans...  So long
5. Oakland (4-12) .............14-34, Denver............. Staying!
6. Jacksonville (4-12); 7. Atlantis (4-12); 8.  Detroit (7-9); 9. Buffalo (6-10);
10. Dallas (8-8) (career achievement ranking for 21st century).

Friday, December 20, 2013

Stumbling toward the finish line

By Steve Harvey,
Team Member,
Bottom Ten

Seemingly inept Green Bay was trailing Dallas, 3-26, when the second half of the game began last Sunday. Fox broadcaster Joe Buck said to partner Troy Aikman, "Do you want to throw the bouquet at the feet of (Dallas defensive coordinator) Monte Kiffin or should I?"

It was, perhaps, a world record for speaking too soon. On the next play, the Pack's Eddie Lacey ran for 60 yards. That was the beginning of the end for the Cowboys, who, incredibly, fell 36-37.

Thus, just when you thought the Bottom Ten had seen the last of Dallas, Jerry Jones' merry recruits were back at No. 8. They've given up 30 or more points seven times this year.

No. 1, of course, was Who?ston (2-12), a 3-25 loser to Indy. And who do the Texans play next? Only Denver (11-3).

No. 2 is Oakland, which seems to reach new depths with each game. Two weeks ago, the Raiders (4-10) clinched their 11th straight losing season. And last week, against Kansas City? The Raiders gave up the most points (56) in one game in their history. Well done, fellows.

Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss................ Next Loss
1. Houston (2-12)............ 3-25, Indy................ Denver
2. Oakland (4-10)........... 31-56, K.C............... San Diego
3. Jacksonville (4-10)..... 20-27, Buffalo.......... Tennessee
4. Washington (3-11)..... 26-27, Atlantis.......... Dallas
5. Cleveland (4-10)........ 31-38, Chicago..........N.J. Jets
6. Alantis (4-10); 7. N.J. Giants (5-9); 8. Dallas (7-7); 9. Buffalo (5-9); 10. N.J. Jets (6-8).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Cleveland (4-10) at Jets (6-8).

Rout of the Week: Denver (11-3) over Houston (2-12).

Surprise of the Week: The headline below:






 Study says Steelers fans are saddest in the NFL; Raiders fans are most unstable


Friday, December 13, 2013

Bowled Over

By Steve Harvey
Bottom Ten
Asset Protection

Bowls

One of the perennial debates in college football is: How would a team that finished fifth in one subdivision of the Big Ten fare against a team that finished fifth in the Big 12?

Good news, horrible bowl fanciers! At last you can get the answer when Michigan (7-5) meets Kansas State (7-5) in the prestigious Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl, which will be held in Tempe, not Buffalo, and is no longer called the Copper Bowl or the Insight.com Bowl, and denies that it was ever called the Poulan Weed-Eater Bowl.

Michigan has the most reverse momentum of any bowl team, rallying with four defeats in its last five games to knock itself out of Rose Bowl consideration.

Believe it or not, Michigan and Kansas State are not the losingest bowl teams.Whereas they combined for 10 losses, Washington State and Colorado State put together 12 defeats all together---not that that discouraged the New Mexico Bowl selection committee. BT selectors voted it the worst bowl of the year.

Another team on a cold streak is Duke, coming off a 7-45 loss to Florida State. The Blue Devils face Texas A$M (8-4) in the Chick-fil-A Bowl. The point spread and attendance are expected to be about 12.

Opponents, Records.............................................. Dud Bowl
1. Washington St (6-6) vs. Colorado St (7-6) ..........New Mexico
2. Michigan (7-5) vs. Kansas St (7-5)..................... Wings
3. Boise St (9-4) vs. Oregon St (6-6)....................... Hawaii
4. Buffalo (8-4) vs. San Diego St (7-5)................... Potato
5. Utah (8-5) vs. N Ill (12-1)................................... Poinsettia
6. Marshall (9-4) vs. Maryland (7-5) .......................Military
7. Pits (6-6) vs. Bowling Green (10-3).................... Pizza
8. E.Carolina (9-3) vs. Ohio (O.) (7-5).................... Beef
9. Syracuse (6-6) vs. Minnesota (9-4) .....................Texas
10. Duke (10-3) vs. Texas A$M (8-4).................... Chick-fil-A


Pros

You'd think an NFL team on an 11-game losing streak would be making a run-away of the Bottom Ten championship race.

But, no,  Who?ston (2-11) still has plenty of competition.

There's quarterback-less No. 2 Washington, which is 3-10 and could move up with an impressive stomping by No. 5 Atlantis (3-10). Quite a shock it was when Washington coach Mike Shanahan said he would handle the quarterbacking chores himself this week.

Then there's No. 3 Minnehaha  (3-9-1). Things are going so badly for the Vikes that a catering truck plowed into their plane after their loss to Baltimore, forcing the team to wait several hours in their locker room before a new plane could be found. Replays showed the catering truck was definitely offsides.

And let's not forgot to congratulate the 4-9 Raiders, who clinched a losing record for the 11th straight year with their 27-37 loss to the Jets.

Wreck, Records.......... Last Loss .................Next Loss

1. Who?ston (2-11)...... 20-27, Jacksonville.... Indianapolis
2. Washington (3-10)... 10-45, Kansas City.... Atlantis
3. Minnehaha (3-9-1)... 28-29, Baltimore........ Philadelphia
4. Pitts (5-8) .................28-34, Miami .............Cincinnati
5. Atlantis (3-10).......... 21-22, Green Bay...... Washington

6. Buffalo (4-9); 7. Cleveland (4-9); 8. (Tie) N.Y. Giants (5-8) and N.Y. Knicks (6-15); 10. Oakland (4-9).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Atlantis (3-10) vs. Washington (3-10).

Friday, December 6, 2013

Oh, Miami (O.)! All Hail the 2013 Bottom Ten Champs

       
Your (Weekly) Autumn Movie Guide to Movies You Should Watch Again: Technical DifficultiesS
           Bottom Ten TV Network Debuts!


By Steve Harvey
Content Server

Colleges

Miami of Ohio (0-12), using its famous prevent offense, averaged 9.7 points per game this season to capture the mythical Bottom Ten title.

Possibly mythical Georgia State (0-12), a school that no one has ever heard of, finished second, pending an investigation of its existence by BT officials.

Third place went to Florida, which did win in the category of  "Most Disappointing Team of 2013."  The snaggle-toothed Gators, ranked No. 10 in AP's Top Ten pre-season poll, crossed over to the Bottom Ten in mid-season, losing their last seven games.

No. 4 UAB (2-10) lost 27-62, to No. 5 So Miss (1-11), which saw its hopes for a winless season float away down the Mighty Southern Mississip. That was the closest thing to a Bottom Ten Bowl this year. Sorry, football fans.


Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss.................. Bowl Bid?
1. Miami (Oh!) (0-12)..... 14-65  Ball St............  .None
2. Florida (4-8)................. 7-37, Fla St...............Nope
3. Georgia State (0-12) ...17-38, So Alabama....  Naw
4. UAB (2-10)................ 27-62, So Miss........... Nyet
5. So Miss (1-11)............ Def. UAB, 62-27......  .You kidding?
6. FIU (1-11)................... 6-21, Fla Atlantic........Uh uh
7. Idaho (1-11)............... 16-24, New Mex St..... Come on
8. Ole Mass (1-11)......... 23-51, Ohio (O.) ..........Get real
9. W. Mich (1-11).......... 14-33, N Ill................... Huh?
10. Low Cal (1-11).........13-63, Stanford.............Not Hardly
11. Hawaii (1-11); 12. Purdon't (1-11); 13. UTEP (2-10); 14. Tulsa (3-9); 15. New Mexico St (2-10); 16. E Mich (2-10); 17. Idle; 18. Kentucky (2-10); 19. Arkansas (3-9); 20. Virginia (2-10).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Closed for season.

Pros

Some Texas political figures have recommended that the state secede from the union. A growing number of folks down there, however, are saying that the state of Texas can remain but the Houston Texans football team must leave.

Once 2-0, the Texans rolled to their 11th straight loss, falling short against No. 8 Jacksonville (4-9), of all teams.

What a topsy turvy race it's been in the Bottom Ten. There was a time when the Jaguars and New York Giants were 0-6 and Tampa-at-Bay was 0-5. Now, those three have 12 wins among themselves, virtually bidding sayonara to their championship hopes.

Tampa still has a chance if it can find a way to lose to No. 3 Buffalo (4-8).

The Bills crumpled, 31-34, to Atlantis, in overtime in a game played in Toronto. Why was Buffalo happy when the game went into overtime? Well, who'd be in a hurry to return home to Buffalo?


Wreck, Record               Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. Houston (2-11).............20-27, Jacksonville....Idle
2. Washington (3-9)..........17-24, N.J. Giants.....Kansas City
3. Buffalo (4-8).................31-34, Atlantis...........Tampa-at-Bay
4. N.J. Jets (5-7)..................3-23, Miami (Fla.)...Oakland
5. Tampa-at-Bay (3-9)........6-27, Carolina..........Buffalo
6. Oakland (4-8) 7. Green Bay (5-6-1); 8. Jacksonville (4-9); 9. Atlanta (3-9); 10. Cleveland (4-8).

Crummy Games of the Weak: East regional: Oakland (4-8) at N.J. Jets (5-7); South regional: Buffalo (4-8) at Tampa-at-Bay (3-9).




Wednesday, November 27, 2013

These Coaches Are No Bargains



Oregon Duck (above), as team is squashed for second time in three games.



By Steve Harvey
Bottom Ten Cast Member


Shown by Appointment Only

Colleges

It's the holiday season, a time when the most hallowed tradition is SHOPPING. So, let's talk about shopping for football coaches.

Mainly, let's see which colleges are getting the least for their money from their clipboard-holders, according to salary statistics compiled by USAToday and other sources.

The furthest thing from a bargain is Low Cal coach Sonny Dykes,  who is 1-11. Since he is paid $2.4 million per year, he costs Cal $2.4 million per win, according to the sophisticated computers at Bottom Ten headquarters.

Best known name on the list is No. 10 Mack Brown of Texas, who has a (yearly) salary of $5.3 million and has rewarded the school with conference finishes of third, sixth and sixth over the last three years.

Alas, Norm Chow of Hawaii ($500,000 per year) was not included in the rankings because his pay per win this year could not be calculated. He has no wins.


Coach, Team, Record...................... Salary.............Pay Per Win

1. Sonny Dykes, Cal (1-11)............... $2.4 million....... $2.4 million
2. Darrell Hazell, Purdue (1-10)......... $2.1 million...... $2.1 million
3. Butch Jones, Tennessee (4-7)........ $4.8 million....... $1.2 million
4. Mike London, Virginia (2-9)......... $2.2 million........$1.1 million
5. Mark Stoops, Kentucky (2-9)........ $2 million........... $1 million
6. Bret Bielema, Arkansas (3-8)........ $2.9 million........ $.96 million
7. Dave Doeren, N Car St (3-8) ........$2.6 million........ $.86 million
8. Paul Rhoads, Iowa St (2-9)........... $1.7 million........ $.85 million
9. Charlie Weis, Kansas (3-8)........... $2.5 million........ $.83 million
10. Mack Brown, Texas (7-3) ...........$5.3 million........ $.76 million

Pros

Houston running back Ben Tate says the solution to his team's problems is simple: Bring back Vanilla Ice to perform.

The last time Ice sang at halftime of a Houston game, the Texans won, pushing their record to 2-0. They've lost nine straight since then, seizing control of the Bottom Ten from the Lost Team of Atlantis.

Vanilla Ice's real name, by the way, is Robert Matthew Van Winkle. Houston's offense is about as wide awake as another, slightly more famous, Van Winkle.

Moving up to No. 2 among the worst teams in the NFL was Washington, whose quarterback was called RG3-and-8 by New York Times pro football correspondent Maureen Dowd.

It isn't often you hear the general manager of a 6-5 team brag about his personal performance. But the  Cowboys' unflappable owner/GM Jerry Jones told an interviewer, "I'm getting to do some of the best work that I've done, relatively speaking, in my career over these last several years."

Of course that isn't saying much when you consider that Dallas has won exactly one (1) (uno) (un) playoff game in the last 17 years under Jones' leadership.

Team, Record................ Last Loss........................... Next Loss
1. Houston (2-9)............ 6-13, Jacksonville.............. New England
2. Washington (3-8)....... 6-27, S.F........................... N.J. Giants
3. Atlantis (2-9).............. 13-17, New Orleans .........Buffalo
4. Green Bay (0-3-1)*.....Tied Minnehaha, 26-26.... Detroit
5. Jacksonville (2-9)....... Def. Houston, 13-6........... Cleveland
6. Raiders (4-7); 7. Tampa-at-Bay (2-9); 8. N.J. Jets (5-6); 9. Cleveland (4-7); 10. N. J. Giants (4-7).

*Record since QB Aaron Rodgers was injured (and team declined to sign Tim Tebow as replacement).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Cleveland (4-7) vs. Jacksonville (2-9).

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Atlantis Building Up Reverse Momentum







By Steve Harvey
Resident Wit (at least half the time)

Colleges

The Bottom Ten has a flurry of must-lose crucials this week.

No. 6 Ew! Conn (0-9) will see if it can get the worst of No. 7. Temple (1-9). No. 8 Purdon't will show what it doesn't have against weak Ill (3-7). And No. 9 Iowa State (1-9) will face the difficult challenge of losing to coaching genius Charlie Weis and No. 20 Kansas (3-7).

Florida, which began the season ranked No. 10 in some Top 25 polls, held on to No. 1 in the BT, continuing its amazing descent from a 4-1 start to a 4-6 disaster.

Miami (O.) is No. 2 with a not-quite-so surprising 11-game losing streak.

Even harder to watch on television than "Hawaii Five-O" is  Hawaii 0-Ten football. Book 'em at No. 3, Danno.

No. 10 Low Cal (1-10), which  meets Stanford (8-2), has asked the Stanford band to run onto the field after the opening kickoff_and stay there.

Wreck, Record............... Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. Florida (4-6)................ 14-19, S Carolina ...... Ga Southern
2. Miami (Oh!) (0-11)....... 7-44, Buffalo............ Ball St (11-29)
3. Hawaii (0-10).............. 21-28, San Diego St.. Wyoming
4. So So Miss (0-10).......... 7-41, Fla Atlantic..... Middle Tennis St
5. Georgia State (0-10)..... 21-35, Lafayette .........Arkansas St
6. Ew! Conn (0-9)............ 21-38, SMU............... Temple
7. Temple (1-9)............... 36-39, UCF................ Ew Conn
8. Purdon't (1-9).............. 21-45, Penn St ............Ill
9. Iowa St (1-9)............... 10-48, Oklahoma........ Kansas
10. Low Cal (1-10)......... 24-41, Colorado.......... Stanford

11. Ole Mass (1-9), 12. FIU (1-9); 13. Idle; 14. New Mexico St (1-9); 15. Idaho (1-9); 16. W Michigan (1-10); 17. Kentucky (2-8); 18. Virginia (2-8); 19 E. Michigan (2-8); 20. Kansas (3-7).

Pros

How about squabbling Tampa-at-Bay? Just a few weeks ago, critics were saying that coach Greg Schiano had "lost the locker room." What a break it was, then, that local detectives found the locker room in some bushes on the side of I-4 highway. 

Since then, the Bucs_with a place to shower and dress_ have been practically ept,  most recently whipping the No. 1 Lost Team of Atlantis, 41-28 .

Atlantis checked in at No. 1 after losing twice in five days, a pace that even No.2 Jacksonville couldn't keep up with.

Houston registered at No. 3 after a 23-28 loss to Oakland but the Texans face a big challenge to their bumbling ways Sunday when they play Jacksonville in the Crummy Game of the 21st Century.

The No. 10 Pits appeared in throw-back striped jerseys (see photo at top), looking something like convicts--an image you'd think the NFL would want to avoid.

Wreck, Record......... Last Loss ...........................................Next Loss
1. Atlanta (2-9).......... 28-41, Tampa-at- Bay, 13-17, N.O..... New Orleans
2. Jacksonville (1-9).. 14-27, Arizona.................................... Houston
3. Houston (2-8)........ 23-28, Oakland................................... Jacksonville
4. Washington (3-7).. 16-24, Philadelphia .............................S.F.
5. Baltimore (4-6)...... 20-23, Chicago................................... N.J. Jets
6. Minnehaha (2-8); 7. Tampa at Bay (2-8); 8. St. Louis (4-6); 9. San Diego (4-6); 10. The Pits (4-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Houston (2-8) vs. Jacksonville (1-9) (a game so terrible that the NFL refuses to reveal where it's being played).






Thursday, November 14, 2013

Some Pre-Thanksgiving Turkeys


Ducks (above) after 20-26 loss to Stanford



By Steve Harvey
Informed Source

It's the never-ending philosophical argument in Bottom Ten land. Should the team having the worst season over-all be honored? Or should it be the worst team of the moment?

The selectors took the latter road, elevating Florida to No. 1 after the toothless Gators registered their fourth straight loss (and to Vanderbilt). It doesn't get much worse than that.

Bolstering Florida's case was the the fact that the school was rated No. 10 in pre-season polls---the TOP 25 polls.

The Gators' main rival, of the moment, is Miami (Oh!), which leads the nation in defeats with 10.

And how about a hearty welcome to the new No. 20 member, the Sports Illustrated Jinx. Oregon was featured on the cover of the magazine's Nov. 4 issue, which was headlined: "Oregon Redefined West Coast Football. Now It's Time to Conquer America" (see photo at end of column).

Naturally, the Ducks went out and got whomped by Stanford, 20-26. Maybe the Ducks should concern themselves with conquering the Pac-12 North Division before they go after America.


The rankled:
Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss..................Next Loss
1. Florida (0-4)*.......... 17-34, Vanderbilt (!) ....South Carolina
2. Miami (Oh!) (0-10)... 6-24, Kent State......... Buffalo
3. Purdon't (1-8).......... 14-38, Iowa................. Penn St
4. Low Cal (1-9).......... 28-62, USC................ Colorado
5. Georgia St (0-9)....... Idle.............................. LA Lafayette
6. Hawaii (0-9)............ 28-42, Navy................ San Diego St
7. Temple (1-8)........... 20-23, Rutgers .............UCF
8. Ew Conn (0-8)........ 10-31, Louisville .........SMU
9. So So Miss (0-9)..... 13-36, La Tech............ Fla Atlantic
10. New Mex St (1-9).. Idle............................. Idaho
11. Idaho (1-9); 12. Idle ; 13. Iowa St (1-8); 14. Kansas (2-7); 15. Virginia (2-8); 16. Ole Mass (1-8); 17. FIU (1-8); 18. Kentucky (2-7); 19. Texas at El Deflated Paso (1-8); 20. Sports Illustrated jinx.
*Since Oct. 12.
Crummy Game of the Weak: New Mexico State (1-9) vs. Idaho (1-9).

The Pros

And then there were none. Jacksonville and Tampa Bay scratched out their first victories, thereby ending their dreams of compliling 0-16 seasons. The two teams will just have to put these wins behind them and attempt to start new losing streaks. It won't be easy, but then it never is.

Meanwhile, the Lost Team of Atlantis sank into the Bottom Ten lead. As many analysts had predicted before the season, this could be the year that Atlantis finally nabs a championship (although it's true that most of the critics were talking about the Falcons triumphing in the Super Bowl bid, not the Bottom Ten bowl).

Elsewhere, Groan Bay petitioned the BT to throw out the results of the Pack's first 8 games, pointing out that, with Aaron Rodgers sidelined, GB is now truly one of the worst teams in the NFL. The always-cooperative BT said, OK.

Chiefs WR Dwayne Bowe was arrested for speeding and alleged marijuana possession, after which his attorney told the Kansas City Star that "this incident will not be a distraction to (Bowe's) commitment to excellence on the football field."

Commitment to excellence? Was this a hint that Bowe expects to be traded to No. 9 Oakland? Certainly he would fit in there.

The Raiders, by the way, fell to the Giants, 24-20, having apparently been distracted by Eli Manning's new mustache.

And defensive end William Hayes of No. 10 St. Louis drove his forearm into a mirror, suffering a bad cut, noted Yahoo's Anwar Robertson, "in addition to the 7 years of bad luck he received." Just what the Cardinals needed.

Team, Record............ Last Loss...................... Next Loss
1. Atlanta (2-7)........... 10-33, Seattle................. Tampa Bay
2. Jacksonville (1-8).... Def. Tennessee, 29-27.. Arizona
3. Tampa Bay (1-8)..... Def. Miami, 22-19........ Atlantis
4. Groan Bay (0-1)*.... 13-27, Philadelphia....... N.J Giants
5. Miami (Fla.) (4-5).... 19-22, Tampa............... San Diego
*Record when Aaron Rodgers does not start.

6. Houston (2-7); 7. Buffalo (3-7); 8. Pits (3-6); 9. Oakland (3-6); 10. St. Louis (4-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Tampa Bay (1-8) vs. Atlanta (2-7).




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