Thursday, October 23, 2014

Kiffin Synonymous With 'Villain' in Tennessee





                                         If you think USC fans aren't fond of Kiffin...

By Steve Harvey
Team Member


THE COLLEGES

Welcome to the Bottom Ten. But, first, a political ad (17 seconds).

Lane Kiffin has still not been forgiven for leaving the head coaching job at Tennessee after 14 months to take the same position at USC. Kiffin is, in fact, so reviled in the Volunteer State that he's in a political attack ad there (see above).

Eddie Smith, a candidate for the Tennessee House of Reps, has charged that opponent Gloria Johnson, the incumbent, has "made a lot of big promises...like Lane Kiffin" and is "all talk" like Kiffin, now an assistant at Alabama, where he is no talk (coach Nick Saban does not allow his minions to speak to the press).

 Now back to your regularly scheduled Bottom Ten.

For the eighth straight week, the No. 1 team was dethroned. The most recent leaders to tumble were the Texas Short Horns and the Michigan Woe-verines.

In a controversial move, the selectors re-admitted Miami (Oh!) to No. 1 despite a 42-41 victory over Ole Mass on their record. Of course, Miami (1-7) does lead the nation in defeats.

North Carolina (3-4) moved up to No. 2 amid indications its won-lost record may be altered. The New York Times reported  an investigation found that  that more than 3,100 UNC students, 47.6% of them athletes, received As and Bs in nonexistent  classes. UNC, according to one report, is expected to forfeit every victory in every sport over the last 117 years, except, possibly, one 1968 debate squad match.

Team, Record............ Last Loss.................. Next Loss
1. Miami (Oh?) (1-7)... 41-51, N Ill................ Kent State
2. No Carolina (3-4).... Def. Ga Tech, 48-43..Va
3. SMU (0-6)............... 3-41, Cincinnati......... Memphis
4. Tulsa (1-6).............. 30-38, S. Florida......... Idle
5. Troy (1-6)............... 14-53, App  St...........  S Bama
6. Georgia St (1-6)...... 27-30, S Bama........... Ga Sou
7. New Mexico (2-5).. 31-35, Air Force......... UNLV
8. Kent State (1-6)....... Def. Army 39-7.......... Miami (Oh!)
9. Kansas (2-5)..............21-34, Texas Tech......Baylor
10. Colorado (2-5)....... 28-56, USC................ UCLA

Note from Andy Furillo, Bottom Ten's Sacramento bureau chief: "Looking forward to Saturday's Big "Ten" traditional between Nebraska and Rutgers."


                                  An opposing player openly mocks Raiders


THE PROS

Still another guest Bottom Ten selector popped up_sidelined Arizona defensive end Darnell Dockett, who taunted Raiders fans with a sign that said: "Worst Team in NFL...0-6" (see above).

Hey, no hard feelings---Dockett drew a smiley face inside the 0.

As Dockett forecast, the Raiders lost and were elevated to No. 1.

But Oakland might still get a fight from the 1-6 New Jersey Jets, who fell to New England, 25-27.

The Jets did so by extending one of the most beloved streaks in the NFL. For the 69th straight game, they failed to make a 2-point conversion, most notably at the end of the game when they could have sent it into overtime.


Wreck, Record ..........Last Loss.................. Next Loss
1. N.J. Jets (1-6)......... 25-27, New England.. Buffalo
2. Oakland (0-6)......... 13-24, Arizona........... Cleveland
3. Atlantis (2-5)............ 7-29, Baltimore..........Detroit
4. Tennessee (2-5)...... 17-19, Washington......Houston
5. Grampa Bay (1-5).... Off ............................Minnehaha............
6.  Jacksonville (1-6);  7. Minnehahha (2-5); 8. Washington (2-5); 9. N.J. Giants (3-4); 10. The Chicago Bears locker room, starring Brandon Marshall.









Thursday, October 16, 2014

And the Eyes of Texas Looked on in Disbelief...





By Steve Harvey
Spores Editor

THE COLLEGES

Everything is bigger in Texas, including losing college football teams.

The state's Short Horns have taken over No. 1 in the Bottom Ten, following a 26-31 loss to Oklahoma. Texas replaced Michigan, which shocked Penn State, 18-13.

Bottom Ten selectors, apparently angry over being made to look unknowledgeable by Michigan_not that this was the first time_angrily announced that the Wolverines were suspended from the rankings indefinitely. There was talk about a lifetime ban.

While Michigan had gone into the game with two wins, the selectors were hoping that the Wolverines' star appeal would lead to the creation of a Bottom Ten reality show.

Now the BT's cable division must depend on Texas, which meets Iowa State (2-4). The Short Horns, rejecting the current up-tempo strategy, reportedly intend to introduce a down-tempo offense, the goal being to run off less than 12 plays per game in order to cut down on their own fumbles, interceptions, etc.

 School, Record........ Last Loss.................. Next Loss
1. Texas (2-4)........... 26-31, Oklahoma........ Iowa State
2. Kent State (0-6)..... 17-40, Ole Mass......... Army
3. Ball State (1-5)........38-42, W Mich.......... Central Mich
4. Wash. State (2-5)... 17-34, Stanford.......... Arizona
5. Idaho (0-6)..............24-47, Ga South........ New Mexico St
6. Georgia State (1-5)..10-52, Arkansas........ So Alabama
7. App St (1-5) ...........48-55, Liberty........... Troy
8. People who talk about apps..................................................
9. SMU (0-5)...............Idle........................... Cincinnati
10. Ole Mass (1-6).......Def. Kent St 40-17... E Michigan
122. UCLA (ranking among 125 top-level teams in protecting its quarterback; Bruins allow 4.17 sacks per game).

Crummy Game of the Week: Texas (2-4) vs. Iowa State (2-4).

Worst Guests Dept.: The L.A. Daily News' Scott Wolf reports that USC football players destroyed a temporary wall in a ballroom at the Omni Los Angeles hotel in what was described as a pre-planned "free for all" before an Oct. 4 loss to Arizona State.  The next week, the  Trojans left a hole in the wall of the visitors' locker room at Arizona Stadium.

T-Shirt of the Week: OC Register columnist Steve Fryer notes that, for this week's Notre Dame-Fla. State game, Irish rooters devised a shirt paying tribute to arrest of Seminoles QB Jameis Winston for shoplifting seafood. The shirt shows a smiling crab with the caption, "Catholics vs. Criminoles."

Quotebook: UCLA coach Jim Mora said disciplinary measures against players would "be handled in-house." Better than out-house?

PROS

This week's guest Bottom Ten voter_though he didn't know it_was Denver tight end Julius Thomas. After catching his second TD pass in a 17-31 drubbing of the fuel-less Jets, Thomas was overheard exclaiming, "It's so easy."

It was just as simple for the rest of the voters to elevate the Jets (1-5) to No. 1 in the Bottom Ten.

Meanwhile, a few days before the Raiders' game against San Diego, new interim Raiders coach Tony Sparano called the team to together and had a hole dug in the turf. Several players rushed to his side, fearing that Sparano despaired of ever winning and was going to jump in the hole.

But instead Sparano buried a football as a symbolic good-bye gesture to the Dennis Allen era.

The burial was carried out. But, unfortunately for the Raiders, officials were able to find another ball to use and the Raiders continued their losing ways, 28-31, to San Diego_a nice try.

Bottom Ten selectors care nothing about nice tries.

Elsewhere, satellite photos indicated that the island of Atlantis (2-4) had sunk into the Atlantic, its Super Bowl chances purely mythical.


Team, Record............. Last Loss............ Next Loss
1.N.y. Jets (1-5).......... 17-31, Denver....... New England
2. Raiders (0-5)........... 28-31, S Diego..... Arizona
3. Jax (0-6).................. 14-16, Tennessee...Cleveland
4. Grampa Bay (1-5)... 17-48, Baltimore... Off
5. Balt. O's (0-4)........... 1-2, K.C. .............Done
6. Washington (1-5);  7. St. Louis (1-4); 8. Atlantis (2-4); 9. New Orleans (2-3); 10. Miami (Fla.) (2-3).

Crummy Game of the Week: Tennessee (2-4) at Washington (1-5).

Last week's (unintentionally) funniest pre-game ESPN promo (for Green Bay-Miami game): "Can the Packers dominate or will the Dolphins win their second straight?" Ooh. The suspense!



                    Raiders coach Tony Sparano: Trying to fill hole in offensive line?



Thursday, October 9, 2014

USC's Prevent (Victory) Defense Does It Again








                                     The Oregon Duck after  24-31 loss to Arizona

By Steve Harvey
Senior Couch Potato

COLLEGES

What a shake-up in the college rankings after last weekend's upsets, eh?

I'm of course referring to the 42-41 upset thrashing by No. 1 Miami (Oh!) of Ole Mass (0-6), sending Miami down, down, down to No. 7 in the Bottom Ten rankings. If you win, you pay the price in the Bottom Ten.

Ole Mass played so well in defeat it was dropped from No. 1 to No. 2.

And the new No. 1 is Michigan, a 24-26 loser to mighty Rutgers. It was the extinct Wolverines' 10th setback in 14 games.

USC's  Trojans returned to No. 10 after displaying the worst Prevent (Victory) Defense in the nation against Arizona State. The Sun Devils beat them, 34-38, on a Hail Mary pass by Devils QB Mike Bercovici, who threw for 221 yards in the final 6:26. That works out to 2,095 yards for a 60-minute game. And Bercovici was the second-string QB.

The Trojans incidentally gave up 510 yards through the air vs. the Sun Devils. A few weeks earlier, they gave up 452 yards on the ground to Boston College. Talk about a versatile defense.

Of course, for USC, it's all jus a warmup for the Las Vegas Bowl.


Team, Record........... Last Loss*............... Next Loss
1. Michigan (2-4)...... 24-26, Rutgers........... Penn St
2. Ole Mass (0-6)...... 41-42, Miami (O)........Kent State
3. SMU (0-5)............ 24-45, E Carolina....... Cincy
4. Troy (0-5)............. Idle............................. N Mexico St
5. UNLV (1-5) .........10-33, San Jose St...... Fresno St
6. 1-5 Freeway.......... Worst  Ground Game in Nation
7. Miami (Oh!) (1-5). Def. Ole Mass, 42-41...Akron
8. Idaho (0-5)...........  30-35, Texas St............Ga. Southern
9. You Con (1-4)...... 10-36, Temple............. Two Lane
10. USC (3-2)........... 34-38, Arizona St........ Arizona

*Some scores may be incomplete due to power outages of Bottom Ten computers.

Crummy Game of Week: Ole Mass (0-6) vs. Kent State (0-5)


THE PROS

No less an authority than Jim Rome calls it the funniest Thursday TV program since "Friends." He's referring to the NFL's Thursday Night Football on CBS, which has presented four straight duds featuring losers who resembled the Keystone Kops.

Last week, Minnehaha fell to Green Bay, 10-42. In the weeks before that, Washington was routed by the Giants 14-45, Grampa Bay was eviscerated by Atlanta 14-56 and the Pitts fell 6-26 to Baltimore. That's an average margin of 31 points per game.

"It (Thursday Night Football) sucks man, I hate it," offensive lineman Josh Sitton told a Milwaukee reporter a few days before his game vs. Minnehaha. "I felt like crap today. Will probably feel like crap on Thursday. I think it's stupid. I think it's all about money for the NFL."

Next Thursday laughfest: Houston against Indy.

Elsewhere, the Beagles tried to become the first team in history to blow a 27-point lead. Luckily for them they were playing the hapless (Please Don't Move to L.A.) Rams. Final score: Beagles 34, Rams 28.


Team, Record........ Last Loss.............. Next Loss
1. Thurs Night FB..10-42, G. Bay....... Indy vs. Houston
 2. Jax (0-5)............. 9-17, Pitts............ Tennessee
3. N.J. Jets (1-4)...... 0-31, San Diego ..Denver
4. Oakland (0-4)...... Off...................... San Diego
5. Washingon (1-4) 17-27, Seattle....... Arizona
6. St. Louis (1-3); 7. Grampa Bay (1-4); 8. Idle; 9. Minnesota (2-3); 10. Chicago (2-3).

Quotebook: "I apologize to our fans---those that are left," Jets coach Rex Ryan said after a 0-31 loss to San Diego. Hey, coach, the Bottom Ten will always be a fan!

Taking the "foot" out of football: Detroit has missed 8 of 12 field goal attempts this year. Write to Detroit, not to me, if you want a tryout.


                                             Cleveland Browns fans absorb a lot of pain




















View photo
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Thursday, October 2, 2014

Miserable Michigan makes its move



By Steve Harvey
Miscommunications Dept.

COLLEGES

It's shaping up as the Bottom Ten event of the year: two of the losingest teams in the nation, Ole Mass (0-5) and Miami (Oh!) (0-5) will bump into each other and try not to fall down.

The loser could take sole possession of No. 1, assuming someone wins, which is no certainty

Of course, just behind the duo is miserable Michigan (2-3). "This team can still win championships," Michigan coach Brady Hoke said a few days ago, and he's right.

The Wolverines, losers of nine of their last 13, can still capture the Bottom Ten championship.

Next, they will be ground up by merciless Rutgers (4-1).

I don't know about you but I'm getting a little tired of these big-name sports powers, such as Rutgers, scheduling push-overs, like poor little Michigan, to make their won-lost record look more formidable.

Elsewhere, two wrecks in progress, You Conn (1-4)  and Too Lane (1-4) will stumble into each other.

And, UCLA, the worst 4-0 team in the nation, gave up 626 yards in a 62-27 win over Arizona State.  Secretive UCLA coach Jim Mora refused to say who played quarterback during the game.


Team, Record.......... Last Loss ..................Next Loss
1. Miami (Oh!) (0-5). 27-35, Buffalo........... Ole Mass
2. Ole Mass (0-5) ......42-47, Bowling Grn...Miami (Oh!)
3. Michigan (2-3) .....14-30, Minnehaha ......Rutgers
4. SMU (0-4) .............0-56, TCU................ E Carolina
5. Kansas (2-2) .........-Coach .......................W Virginia
6. Troy (0-5) .............20-22, Monroe........... New Mexico St
7. Idaho (0-4)............ 10-34, S Alabama...... Texas State
8. UNLV (1-4)......... 17-34, SD St............... San Jose St
9. Two Lane (1-4) ......6-31, Rutgers............ You Con
10. You Con (1-4).... 10-36, Temple............ Two Lane

Others receiving votes (in reverse alphabetical order): Semester at Sea (0-0); the University of Phoenix (0-0); Electoral College (0-0).

Rout of the Week: Rutgers (4-1) over Michigan (2-3).

Crummy Game of the Week, Year, Decade: Ole Mass (0-5) at Miami (Oh!) (0-5).

Special Citation: As  befits their nickname, the Sun Devils of Arizona State topped UCLA in time of demonic possession, 34:07 to 25:53.

PROS


How about a special Bottom Ten welcome for this week's guest stars, the U.S. Ryder Cup team hacks, who lost to Europe for the 8th time in 10 meetings?

Isn't it time to revise the procedures here, organize a Western Hemisphere Ryder Cup competition and require that the Americans to win a tournament in order to qualify to lose to the Europeans?

Right behind the hacks is No. 2 Jacksonville, which is giving up 38 points per game. About the only professional team with a more porous defense is the Secret Service outfit at the White House. 

No. 3 is Oakland, which fell 14-38 to Miami (Fla.) in London, though it should be noted that Miami had the home-ocean advantage (Atlantic).

No. 4 is Old Orleans, which is so bad that other teams have invited the harmless Aints to put bounties out on them, just to get a good laugh.

Loser, Wreckage............ Last Loss.................... Next Loss
1. U.S.Ryder Cup  (2-8)...11 1/2-16 1/2, Europe...Finito
2. Jacksonville (0-4).........14-33, San Diego......... The Pitts
3. Oakland (0-4) ..............14-38, Miami............... Healing nicely
4. Old Orleans (1-3) ........17-38 Dallas................ Tampa
5. Olde England (2-2)..... 14-41, K.C...................Cincinnati
6. N.J. Jets (1-3); 7. Tennessee (1-3); 8. Washington (1-3); 9. Grampa Bay (1-3); 10. Carolina (2-2).

Crummy Game of the Week: Grampa (1-3) vs. Old Orleans (1-3).




Thursday, September 18, 2014

Fresno State Sure Can't Kick






By Steve Harvey
First-Time Caller, Long-Time Listener

CONTAINS NO MSG


The Colleges

You have any eligibility left? The Associated Press reported that Fresno State (0-3) will be holding "open tryouts" to find a new placekicker_a development that moved the Bulldogs to No. 1 in the Bottom Ten.

Actually, the team should also be auditioning prospective tackles, linebackers and defensive backs inasmuch as it's giving up 55.3 points per game.

Why, even Steve Sarkisian's timid USC offense scored 52 against FSU, if you can imagine that.

Elsewhere, the Big Ten leased all the space in No. 2, hanging on to its distinction as the most inept collection of football schools in the nation.

The conference  has a 1-10 record against the Power 5 conference teams. The BT's only win in that category was achieved by Rutgers over dreaded Washington State.

You remember Washington State, the team that coach Mike Leach once said was full of "empty corpses" and "zombies" in 2012? An NCAA investigation found no evidence of such personnel, much to the relief of WSU opponents. (Think of how difficult it would be bring down a zombie ball carrier.)

School, Record......... Last Loss ...................Next Loss

1. Fresno St (0-3)....... 19-55, Nebraska.......... S. Utah
2. Big Ten (1-10 vs. Power 5 opponents)........Season over
3. SMU 0-2)............... Idle .............................Texas A$M
4. Miami (Oh!) (0-3).. 10-34, Michigan.......... Cincinnati
5. Texas (1-2)............ 17-20, UCLA............... Idle
6. Kansas (1-1) ............3-41, Duke.................. Central Michigan
7. Rice (0-2) ..............10-38, Texas A$M........ Old Dominion
8. Troy (0-3) ..............35-38, Ab. Christian..... Georgia
9. Idaho (0-2)............. 33-45, W. Michigan... ..Ohio (O)
10. UCLA (3-0)*....... Mauled Texas, 20-17.....Ariz St

**Worst 3-0 team in nation. Favored by a total of 53 points in first three games, the Ruins have eked out wins by a total of 18 points.

Crummy Game of the Week: Idle.

Rout of the Week: Texas A&M over the SMUs.

Quotebook: Asked whether injured QB Brett Hundley would start the Bruins' next game, coach Jim Mora said: "I'm not going to tell anybody anything until kickoff versus Arizona State. Nobody. Nothing."

Quotebook II (reacting to Mora's comment): "Presumably he'll tell Hundley," the LA Times' Chris Foster noted.)






The Pros


Its not just that No. 1 Old Orleans lost its first two games.  It's that in each defeat, the team blew leads with less than 10 seconds left to play.

Looks like it's time for fans to to get out their old Aints shopping bags for headgear or buy new ones  (paper sacks may cost 10 cents in some stores; the Bottom Ten does not share in most proceeds from sale of paper sacks).

Too bad but Aints' fans probably won't be able to borrow the "Baguars" sacks donned by Jacksonville (0-2) followers (see photo below) since the Florida folks will be using them for their own team. It's also a candidate for the Bottom Ten title.

And what can quarterback-less Jacksonville do? If only there were an inspirational quarterback from the Florida area available out there, a guy who won one less playoff games for Denver than Peyton Manning. Oh, yeah, and he has a spotless reputation...

Elsewhere, there's concern in Buffalo, which has WON its first two games, thus endangering its post-season BT prospects. Studies  show that only 12% of teams opening 2-0 make it into the Bottom Ten tournament, tentatively scheduled for Flushing Meadows, N.Y., on April 1.  Don't give up, Bills, you guys can still revert to your old, inept ways.

Team, Record.......... Last Loss*................... Next Loss

1. Old Orleans (0-2)... 24-26, Cleveland........ Minnehaha
2. Jacksonville (0-2)... 10-41, Washington..... Indy
3. N.J. Giants (0-2)..... 14-25, Arizona........... Houston
4. Indy (0-2)................ 27-30, Philadelphia.... Jacksonville
5. Oakland (0-2)......... 14-30, Houston........... Old England
6. Grampa Bay (0-2); 7. N.J. Jets (1-1); 8. Kansas City (0-2); 9. Dallas (1-1); 10. Seattle (1-1).
*Scores are approximations in some cases.

Rout of the week: Olde England over Oakland

Crummy Game of the week: Old Orleans vs. Minnehaha.

Waiter, there's a football in my soup! The New York Daily News says that a Philadelphia waiter has received bids on eBay of as much as $100,000 for his copy of a $61.56 meal receipt signed by customer (and Philadelphia running back) LeSean McCoy. Angered over what he called "rude and disrespectful" service, McCoy left a 20-cent tip.

 Speaking of great stats...: No. 5 Oakland has failed to recover 19 straight onsides kicks by Sebastian Janikowski. Could be a placekicker tryout here, too.


Wednesday, September 10, 2014

So long, Big Ten




By Steve Harvey
Bottom Ten Travel Editor

The Colleges

It was a weekend in which Big Ten teams lost to Northern Ill, Central Michigan and Virginia Tech_and barely squeezed by McNeese State and Western Kentucky.

A perfect example of futility was Purdon’t, which fell 17-38 to Central Michigan, a school that is so obscure no one knows what state it is in.

With Ohio State and Michigan State losing, the Big Ten pulled off the remarkable feat of eliminating itself from contention for the championship playoff_in the second week of the season.

Thus, it came as no particular surprise when the desperate Big Ten agreed to a merger with the Bottom Ten. The new conference will be known as the Big/Bottom Ten (BBT).

Elsewhere, the Rice Owls and the Florida Atlantic Owls found themselves in the same roost_tied for No. 2, just ahead of the gutty little SMUs (0-2).


No. 5 Tulane was clubbed, 21-38, by Georgia Tech, which had an up-and-down week. Tech was put on probation after admitting making 478 impermissible phone calls and sending at least 299 impermissible text messages to 140 prospects_both believed to be NCAA records.

Against Tulane, Tech could have mailed it in.
The rankled:

Team, Record.................... Last Loss.................. Next Loss

1. Reserved for Big Ten schools
2. (Tie) Fla Atlantic (0-2)... 0-41, Alabama.......... ..Tulsa
2. Rice (0-1).....................  Idle.............................. Texas A$M
4. SMU (0-2)..................... 6-43, N Texas............. Idle
5. Tulane (0-2)................ 21-38, Ga Tech ............SE Louisiana
6. Iowa State (0-2) ..........28-32, Kansas St......... Iowa
7. Miami (O.) (0-2).......... 10-17, E. Kentucky....... Michigan
8. Washington State (0-2)13-24, Nevada............. Portland St
9. New Mexico (0-2)....... 23-58, Ariz State.......... Idle
10. UCLA (2-0)* ...............Def. Memphis, 42-35....Texas
*Worst 2-0 team in nation.
Others receiving votes (in alphabetical order): Fresno State (0-2).

Rout of the Week: USC over BC (not the comic strip). Even if SC offense gets off to another slow start, coach Steve Sarkisian probably won’t have to summon AD Pat Haden from the press box and beg him to take over at quarterback, as he did last week against Stanford.




The Pros


Who’s more deserving of recognition:

Jacksonville, a team that gives up 34 straight points?

Washington, a team that snaps an opponent’s 14-game losing streak?

Dallas, a team that drew a huge, cheering crowd (mostly of red-clad 49ers fans)?

Or Oakland, a team so disrespected that, after its 19-14 loss to the Jets, winning coach Rex Ryan snarled: “It should have been a rat kill.” (Uh coach, they're the Oakland RAIDERS not the Oakland RODENTS.)

What the heck. Let’s give each of the above a share of the Bottom Ten lead.

Right behind them is Olde England, quarterbacked by Olde Tom, a 20-33 loser to Miami (Fla.). 

Meanwhile, Denver QB Peyton Manning knocked off the No. 10 Dolts, meaning he has now beaten all 32 of the original NFL franchises. The streak began in 1922 when Manning's Canton Bulldogs edged the Chicago Bears, 6-0.

Team, Record............. Last Loss.................. Next Loss

1. Jacksonville (0-1)...17-34, Philadelphia....Washington
1. Washington (0-1)..... 6-17, Houston..........Jacksonville
1. Dallas (0-1)............. 17-28, S.F................ Tennessee
1. Rodents (0-1) ...........14-19, Jets................Houston
5. Olde England (0-1).. 20-33, Miami (Fla.)... Minnehaha
6. St. Louis (0-1); 7. Grampa Bay (0-1); 8. N.J. Giants (0-1); 9. Baltimore (0-1);  10. Indianapolis (0-1).

Crummy Game of the Week: Jacksonville vs. Washington.

Rout of the Week: Seattle over San Diego.

No thanks! NY Times says new Bills owner Terry Pegula vows to keep team in Buffalo, easing fears that "a new owner would move the team out of the area, perhaps to Los Angeles."
Many fans in Los Angeles feared the very same thing!


Monday, September 1, 2014

Oh no! Bottom Ten Returns for 2014

The Bottom Ten

By Steve Harvey
Veteran Intern


The South Carolina fans flagged the team for a false start_to its season.

The not-so-Gamecocks staged the worst performance by a Top Ten team (No. 9) this year, falling 28-52, to Texas A$M, a 10-point underdog. That display vaulted South Carolina into the No. 1 spot in the Bottom Ten, which ranks the most inept teams in the country.

Wisconsin, the losingest team in America, pushed its 2014 record to 0-2 with a 24-28 loss to LSU. The Badgers previously lost, 24-34, in the Capital One Bowl on Jan. 1. (The Bottom Ten includes bowl results from the same year in its rankings).

 No. 4 Rice was cooked, 17-48, by Notre Dame in a game of 6-man football. (Notre Dame has lost so many players to an academic scandal that the Cheatin' Irish can no longer play 11-man football.)

Cal rolled to a 31-24 win over No. 5 Northwestern, whose defense was on strike for most of the game.

Elsewhere, No. 6 Colorado was downed 17-31 by Colorado State in the much-awaited traditional that marks the end of the season for the two schools. See you in 2015, Colorados!

One of the worst showings of opening day was by the UCLA Ruins, who scored only one touchdown on offense in a narrow 28-20 win over harmless Virginia, a 21-point underdog. The Ruins began the day ranked No. 7 (in the Top Ten, not the Bottom Ten!).

Meanwhile, No. 10 Fresno State sank, 13-52, against USC.

School, Record...............Last Loss......................Next Loss
1. S. Carolina (0-1)..........28-52, Texas A$M........E. Carolina
2. Wisconsin (0-2)...........24-28 LSU....................W. Ill
3. Clemson (0-1)..............21-45, Georgia..............S Carolina St
4. Rice (0-1).. ..................17-48, Notre Dame.......Healing
5. Northwestern (0-1).......24-31, Cal.....................On picket line
6. Colorado (0-1)..............17-31, Colo St...............Ole Mass
7. (Tie) William (0-1).........9-34, Virginia Tech.....Hampton
7. And Mary (Ditto)*................................................................
9. UCLA offense.............. 0 in 1st half..................Memphis
10. Fresno State (0-1)........ 13-52, USC...................Utah

*Last William & Mary joke of the season.

Crummy Game of the Week: S. Carolina vs. E. Carolina.

Rout of the Week: Florida State over Citadel.

Next Week: The Bottom Ten pros (including what's left of the San Francisco 49ers team).