Dolts Still Rule Bottom Ten Land

By Steve Harvey

Updated 34 years ago last Tuesday

Colleges

(On holiday break)

Pros

A ''game-time decision" is how the NFL rated the the possibility of Indianapolis daring to show up to play Baltimore last Sunday. And, in truth, the Dolts' offense didn't arrive until the fourth quarter, scoring one touchdown in a 10-24 loss as Indy preserved its winless season and No. 1 position in the Bottom Ten.

It was, interestingly enough, the Ravens' fourth straight victory since defensive captain Ray Lewis was sidelined with a bad toe. There was, however, no indication that the team would put Lewis on injured reserve to insure that its winning streak will continue.

Elsewhere, No. 8 Kansas City (5-8) accumulated four (4) yards on offense in the first half (including minus-19 yards in the second quarter), en route to a 10-37 loss to the New Jersey Jets. The game was noteworthy only for a pioneer ruling after Jets running back Shonn Greene coughed up the ball as he spun around and fell on his rear end. Officials ruled it was not a fumble, broadcaster Ian Eagle explained, because Greene had ``two cheeks down."

There was nothing funny about the game to the Chiefs, who announced the next day that coach Todd Haley had been fired, a move that NBA commissioner David Stern tried unsuccessfully to nullify.

While Indianapolis (0-13) is the obvious favorite in the Bottom Ten race, St. Louis (2-11) and Minnehaha (2-11) have not been mathematically eliminated. The Vikes are unlikely to end their losing ways on Sunday. They host New Orleans (10-3). The temperature and point spread are expected to be in the 30s.

Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss............... Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-13).......... 10-24, Baltimore........ Tennessee

2. Buffalo (5-8)..................... 10-37, San Diego......... Miami

3. St. Louis (2-11)................. 13-30, Seattle.............. Cincinnati

4. Minnehaha (2-11)............. 28-34, Detroit............ New Orleans

5. Grampa Bay (4-9)............. 14-41, Jacksonville.... Dallas

6. Cleveland (4-9); 7. Carolina (4-9); 8. Kansas City (5-8); 9. Jets (0-8 lifetime vs. Philadelphia); 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow (1-7).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Buffalo (5-8) vs. Miami (4-9).

Fantasy Flops: RB Chris Johnson (Tenn.), 23 yards in 11 carries; RB Beanie Wells (Ariz.), 27 yards in 15 carries.

You knew it had to happen: A few minutes after broadcasters at the New England-Washington game noted that Pats QB Tom Brady had thrown 200 passes without an interception, Brady threw an interception in the end zone.

What about Tebow? Headline in NFL Magazine: ``Our man Manning. Without even playing a down, Peyton's proven he's the NFL MVP."

The Wall Street Journal's Jason Gay on Tebow's graceful style: ``He runs like he's stealing a toaster from the mall."

The turkeys of the gridiron

By Steve Harvey

Not trending: Oklahoma State, Oregon, Florida Atlantic

Colleges

The only major college football team with a winless record, Florida Atlantic came through with a 7-34 loss to ancient Troy (Ala.) to remain atop the Bottom Ten. But now the question is whether the myopic Owls can avoid victory when they go up against No. 8 Alabama (Birm.) (3-8) Saturday.

Switching from the Atlantic to the Pacific, No. 4 Tulane is expected to record its 11th loss against Hawaii, which has the home-island advantage.

In other action, Columbia University announced it was suspending the school band for serenading the beleaguered football team (1-8) with such lyrics as, Why are we even trying?/ We always lose lose lose/ But we take solace in our booze.

But officials changed their mind before gametime after the band apologized. Perhaps the school didn't want to be flagged for brass interference. And Columbia won won won.

Wreck, Record..................Last Loss..............Next Loss

1. Fla. Atlantic (0-10).............. 7-34, Troy................. Alabama (Birm.)

2. Akron (1-10)........................ 10-51, Buffalo............ Western Michigan

3. Columbia (1-9).................... Def. Brown 35-28..... Done

4. Tulane (2-10)...................... 7-19, Rice.................... Hawaii

5. UNLV (2-8)......................... 17-45, Air Force........ San Diego State

6. New Mexico (1-10)............. 10-31, Wyoming........ Boise

7. Indiana (1-10)..................... 3-55, Mich. State....... Purdon't

8. Alabama (Birm.) (3-8).......Def. So. Miss, 34-31..Florida Atlantic

9. Memphis (2-9)................... 22-23, Marshall..........Southern Miss

10. Idaho (2-9)....................... 42-49, Utah State....... Nevada

11. La. Monroe (3-8); 12. Maryland (2-9); 13. Colorado (2-10); 14. B.C. (3-8); 15. Duke (3-8); 16. Kentucky (4-7); 17. Central Michigan (3-9); 18. The Pitts (5-5); 19. Attending last episode of ``Live! with Regis and Kelly"; 20. William and/or Mary (5-6).

Pros

And, so, the number of sidelined quarterbacks grew, including Houston's Matt Schaub (bad foot), Chicago's Jay Cutler (bad thumb) and Washington's John Beck (bad passes).

Still, it was a surprise when the NFL Network announced it would no longer cover the games themselves but would concentrate solely on injuries and rename itself, Hospital Zone!

Two fascinating streaks will be on the line this Thanksgiving weekend. No. 1 turkey Indianapolis (0-10) goes up against No. 4 Carolina (2-8), a team the Dolts could actually defeat.

And New Orleans will try to snap an 0-11 record on coin flips (including one in overtime). The Saints denied that coach Sean Payton's job is in danger because of his failure to develop a prescient coin-toss caller. No doubt this issue will be covered by the ESP network.

Wreck, Record..........Last Loss..........Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-10).... Idle....................... Carolina

2. St. Louis (2-8)............ 7-24, Seattle........ Arizona

3. San Diego (4-6)......... 20-31, Chicago..... Denver

4. Carolina (2-8)........... 35-49, Detroit...... Indianapolis

5. Arizona (3-7)............. 7-23, San Fran.......St. Louis

6. Buffalo (5-5); 7. Minnehaha (2-8); 8. Jacksonville (3-7) ; 9 Grampa Bay (4-6); 10. Rex Ryan's predictions (5-5).

Crummy Games of the Weak: Carolina (2-8) at Indianapolis (0-10); Arizona (3-7) at St. Louis (2-8).

Fantasy Flops: Tennessee's Chris Johnson chalked up 28 no-purpose yards, 13 on the ground in 12 carries and 15 through the air on 3 receptions, in a 17-23 loss to Atlanta.

Famous Last Words: ``The biggest thing for the secondary is for us not to fall asleep," said Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis before their game against Tim Tebow and the Broncos. ``It can get boring, especially if a team keeps on just running the ball, series after series, play after play." The boring Broncos whipped the Jets, 17-13.

Under Old Management!

By Steve Harvey

(No returns or exchanges without receipt)

The Colleges

Halloween horrors came two days early for No. 1 New Mexico (0-8). Lost Lobos fell to Air Force, 0-42, while co-leader Florida Atlantic (0-7), like a child too young to go out on trick-or-treat night, was given a bye.

As for New Mexico, ``if the Lobos don't win their next game, the Land of Enchantment officially becomes the Land of Stultifying Loss after Stultifying Loss," wrote Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald.

Meanwhile, football fans were excited about reports that the Big East Conference would add Boise State (for football only) and UCLA (for marching band only).

Wreck, Record............. Last Loss................... Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-8)........... 0-42, Air Force............... San Diego State

1. Florida Atlantic (0-7)..... Idle................................... Arkansas State

3. Indiana (1-8).................... 38-59, Northwestern.... Ohio State

4. Idaho (1-7)........................ 14-16, Hawaii................. San Jose State

5. Colorado (1-8)................. 14-48, Arizona State..... USC

6. Alabama (Birm.) (1-7).... 14-59, Marshall.............. Houston

7. Rice (2-6) .........................34-73, Houston.............. UTEP

8. Two-Lane (2-7) ...............13-34, East Carolina..... The SMUs

9. Maryland (2-6)................ 17-28, BC ........................Virginia

10. Memphis (2-7)............... 0-41, Central Florida... Alabama (Birm.) (Nov. 12)

11. Buffalo (2-7); 12. Oregon State (2-6); 13. North Texas (3-6); 14. B.C. (2-6); 15. UNLV (2-5); 16. Akron (1-7); 17. Utah State (2-5); 18 Minnesota (2-6); 19. Your Name Here; 20. Miami (O.) (2-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Akron (1-7) at Miami (O.) (2-6).

Rout of the Week: Houston (8-0) at Alabama (Birmingham) (1-7).

Quotebook: Actor Tim Allen, as the dad on the sitcom, ``Last Man Standing": ``College is important. Without college there'd be no college football."

Feel the electricity: After Missoula police had to use tasers on two University of Montana players to break up a party, Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times reported the two were classified as ``day to day with a stinger."

The Pros

The Dallas Cows (3-4) rose to No. 5 with a 7-34 loss to Philadelphia, which did virtually everything right except for the play on which center Jason Kelce thought QB Michael Vick was taking a direct snap. Kelce hiked the ball up his own butt.

Vick, who was in shotgun formation, recovered the fumble but, as NBC broadcaster Chris Collinsworth, put it, this was a hike to file ``under the embarrassing category."

In another anatomical matter, Minnehaha defensive end Brian Robison was fined $20,000 for kicking Green Bay guard T.J. Lang in the groin during the previous week's game. Robison insisted he did not ``maliciously aim for genitalia," but would not say whether his errant kick was off to the left or to the right.

With the St. Louis Lambs' win over New Orleans (welcome back, Aints!), the ranks of the unwon dwindled to two: No. 1 Indianapolis (0-8) and No. 2 Miami (Fla.) (0-7).

The Dolts stayed on top despite the admission by Miami's Reggie Bush after a recent loss to Denver that ``right now the team stinks."

The No. 7 Buncos, with the Bad Tebow at quarterback, rebounded from that triumph to lose to Detroit 45-10. The Detroit Free Press pointed out that the NFL's website had billed the game as "Good vs. Evil." Afterward, Ndamukong Suh, the heavily-fined Detroit tackle, exulted: "Evil prevails."

Wreck, Record............ Last Loss............. Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-8)......... 10-27, Tennessee..... Atlanta

2. Miami (0-7)................... 17-20, N. J. Giants... Kansas City

3. Seattle (2-5).................. 12-34, Cincinnati...... Dallas

4. Arizona (1-6) .................27-30, Baltimore..... .St. Louis

5. Dallas (3-4)................... 7-34, Philadelphia.... Seattle

6. St. Louis (1-6); 7. Denver (2-5); 8. Washington (3-4); 9. Jacksonville (2-6); 10. San Diego (4-3).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Dallas (3-4) vs. Seattle (2-5).

Fantasy Flop of the Week (if not the year): Tennessee running back Chris Johnson, 14 carries, 34 yards, no TDs. (Johnson, who is averaging 2.8 yards per carry, has been held to 34 or fewer yards four times this season.)

Soon to be a major motion picture---``Crummyball"!

By Steve Harvey

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Colleges

For New Mexico, the 2011 season has been a lose-lose-lose-lose-lose proposition.

Lost Lobos' (0-5) remarkable consistency enabled them to take over No. 1 in the Bottom Ten this week even though they had a bye.

They replaced Oregon State (1-4), which said bye bye to the top spot following a shocking victory over the Arizona Mildcats (1-5).

Meanwhile, Kentucky climbed to No. 10 with an impressive 3-54 loss to South Carolina while No 14. Villanova (1-5) and No. 18 Northwestern (2-3) also recorded setbacks. Those three schools share the same nickname with Arizona, which explains all the talk about realigning them into a Mildcat Conference.

Coming up fast on the outside are the Jayshocked (2-3) of Kansas, who are giving up 49.4 points and 566 yards per game. Kansas, which reached new depths with a 28-70 loss to Oklahoma State on Saturday, should be able to reach the magical 50 points-allowed-per-game average Saturday when the team is fed to Oklahoma in one of two featured Routs of the Weak.

Poll experts pointed out that the two wins by the Jayshocked, coming early in the season, may be ignored by the voters later in the year when it comes time to pick a Bottom Ten champ.

And a tip of the helmet to No. 8 Florida State (2-3), a 10-game winner last year, which has been named most disappointing team of 2011 by Yahoo Sports.

Wreck, Record....... Last Lost Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-5).... Idle........................................... Nevada

2. Arizona (1-5)............ 27-37, Oregon State................ UCLA

3. Colorado (1-5)........... 7-48, Stanford..................... ...Washington

4. B.C. (1-5).................. 14-36, Clemson......................... Va Tech

5. Akron (1-5).............. 17-27, Florida International... Ohio (Ohio)

6. Kansas (2-3)............ 28-70, Oklahoma State........... Oklahoma

7. Indiana (1-5)............ 20-41, Ill.................................... Wisconsin

8. Florida State (2-3)..30-35, Wake Forest*............... Duke

9. UNLV (1-4)................ 0-37, Nevada.......................... Wyoming

10. Kentucky (2-4)........ 3-54, South Carolina.............. Jackson State

*This score is not a typographical error.

11. Miami (Fla.) (2-3); 12. Memphis (1-5); 13. Idaho (1-5); 14. Villanova (1-5); 15. Oregon State (1-4); 16. New Mexico State (2-3); 17. Other Miami (1-4); 18. Northwestern (2-3); 19. Campaigning in Iowa; 20. Ohio State (3-3).

Rout of the Weak (Tie) : Oklahoma (5-0) at Kansas (2-3); Indiana (1-5) at Wisconsin (5-0).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Nevada (2-3) at New Mexico (0-5).

The Pros

Minnehaha had blown leads in four straight games but even the Vikes couldn't fritter away a 28-0 lead.

They held on for a 34-10 win over 1-4 Arizona, not to be confused with the 1-5 University of Arizona, to exit the top spot in the Bottom Ten.

Minnehaha was replaced by the Philadelphia Nightmares (1-4) , whose 2011 season is over. Now they can only dream about getting a decent quarterback in next year's draft.

No. 3 Indianapolis stayed winless with a 24-28 loss to the Kansas City Chefs. Oddly enough the Chefs' winning touchdown drive was aided by a horse-collaring penalty against Indy's linebacker Philip Wheeler. How can horse-collaring penalty be called against a Colt?

Wreck, Record...................... Last Lost..............Next Loss

1. Philadelphia (1-4)....................... 24-31, Buffalo.......... Washington

2. St. Louis (0-4)............................ Idle............................. Green Bay

3. Miami (Fla.) (0-4)..................... Even Idler.................. N.J. Jets

4. Indianapolis (0-5)..................... 24-28, Kansas City... Cincinnati

5. Jacksonville (1-4) ......................20-30, Cincinnati...... The Pitts

6. Carolina (1-4); 7. Arizona (1-4); 8. Grampa Bay (3-2); 9. Denver (1-4); 10. (Tie) Yankees, Red Sox, Phillies (seasons over).

Dishonorable Mention: Philadelphia is dominating in some departments. Receiver DeSean Jackson, for example, is tied for third in most passes dropped this year with 3, trailing only Roddy White of Atlanta (6), Michael Crabtree of San Francisco (4).

Fantasy Flops: Tennessee RB Chris Johnson (51 yards in 14 carries); Denver QB Kyle Orton (6 of 13 passes for 34 yards, one interception); Grampa Bay QB Josh Freeman (17 of 33 passes for 187 yards, 2 interceptions, no TD passes).

Unclear on the concept: Against the Colts, Chefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe was penalized for delay of the game after spiking the ball following a 9-yard gain. Broadcaster Mark Malone pointed out that the real delay was caused by the officials, who stopped the game, conferred, then made the announcement to the spectators. As for Bowe's crime, Malone asked: ``Is there only one ball?"

The ghost of Al? : Replays show that when Oakland intercepted a Matt Schaub pass on the last play of the game to save a 25-20 win, the Raiders only had 10 players on the field. Or was Al Davis the 11th man? Don't count out Al, yet.

Lowest of the Low

by Steve Harvey

(Not valid in Nebraska, or parts of South Dakota)

The Colleges

Frustrated Georgia football fans can appreciate only too well the lyric from the state song ``Georgia, oh Georgia, no peace I find..."

The Bulldogs, ranked No. 19 in AP's pre-season (TOP 25) poll, jumped to No. 1 in the Bottom Ten with a 42-45 loss to South Carolina, pushing their record to a spotless 0-2. There is so much turmoil on the team that, Uga, the school's canine mascot, is threatening to transfer to Fresno State, even if it means red-leashing for a year.

Another big disappointment to its fans is Notre Dame, the legendary Fighting Rash, which AP ranked No. 16 in the pre-season in an apparent attempt to steal laughs from the Bottom Ten. The Rash is also winless, and No. 2 in the BT.

Elsewhere, Iowa State (2-0) defeated No. 18 Iowa (1-1) by a 44-41 score in their annual grudge match, which marks the end of the season for both schools because they're too boring to play a full year.

Wreck, Record Last Loss Next Loss

1.Georgia (0-2).............42-45, South Carolina.....Coastal Carolina

2. Notre Dame (0-2)......31-35, Michigan...............Michigan State

3. Colorado (0-2)...........33-36, Cal (OT) ...............Colorado State

4. Oregon State (0-2)......0-35, Wisconsin............ UCLA

5. BC* (0-2).......................3-30, Central Florida...Duke

6. Duke (0-2) ..................10-44, Stanford...............BC**

7. San Jose State (0-2)...17-27, UCLA....................Nevada

8. Akron (0-2) .................3-41, Temple..................Cincinnati

9. Indiana (0-2)................31-34, Virginia...............South Carolina State

10. East Carolina (0-2).. 10-17, Virginia Tech..... Alabama (Birmingham)

*Not the comic strip

**Might be the comic strip

11. North Texas (0-2); 12. Minnesota (0-2); 13. Alabama (Birmingham) (0-1); 14. Blank (Ohio) 0-1); 15. UNLV (0-2); 16. Nevada (0-1); 17. Western Kentucky (0-2); 18. Iowa State (1-1); 19. Out to lunch; 20. Memphis (0-2).

Rout of the Weak: Alabama (2-0) vs. North Texas (0-2).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Duke (0-2) @ B.C (0-2).

The Pros

Much of the suspense involving the NFL season has vanished with the realization that the next Super Bowl will be a matchup of undefeated Buffalo and undefeated Detroit.

The Bottom Ten race is still competitive, though.

The Dallas Cows took possession of the top spot with a come-from-ahead 24-27 loss to the New Jersey Jets. The Cows came into the game with a franchise record of 241-0-1 in games in which they led by 14 or more points in the fourth quarter. Then they blew a 10-24 lead in that quarter.

New Jersey's other team, the Eli Manning-quarterbacked Ants, didn't fare as well, falling to Washington, 14-28. But then the Skins were quarterbacked by Rex Grossman.

Meanwhile, unreliable reports say that the Oklahoma Sooners still haven't made up their mind whether to transfer to the Pac-Whatever conference or the NFC West.

Pros

Wreck, Record............Last Loss ........Next Loss

1. Dallas (0-1)..............24-27, N.Y. Jets.........S.F.

2. N.J. Ants (0-1).........14-28, Washington....St. Louis

3. Kansas City (0-1)......7-41, Buffalo..............Detroit

4. The Pitts (0-1)..........7-35, Baltimore.........Seattle

5. Seattle (0-1)............17-33, San Francisco..The Pitts

6. Old Orleans (0-1); 7. Minnesota (0-1); 8. Indianapolis (0-1); 9. Cleveland (0-1); 10. Tennessee (0-1).

Rout of the Weak: San Francisco (1-0) over Dallas (0-1).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Seattle (0-1) at the Pitts (0-1).

Fantasy Flops: WR Chad Ochocinco (N.England), 1 catch for 14 yards; QB Donovan McNabb (Minnesota) 7 completions in 15 attempts for 39 yards and one interception; RB Chris Johnson (Tennessee) 9 carries 24 yards; RB LeGarrette Blount (Tampa Bay) 5 carries, 15 yards.

2011 All-Jurisprudence Offensive Team nominations

QB-Terrelle Prior, Oakland (suspended 5 games for violating NFL eligiblity rules)

QB-Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh (faces sexual assault suit)

RB-Cedric Benson, Cincinnati (jailed 5 days for assault)

RB-Michael Bush, Oakland (arrested for drunk driving

RB-Laurence Maroney, Denver (arrested on weapons charge)

FB-Ahmard Hall, Tennessee (suspended 4 games for using performance-enhancing substances)

WR-David Reed, Baltimore (suspended 1 game, substance abuse)

WR-Kenny Britt, Tennessee (faces charges of drug possession, resisting arrest)

G-Bobby Williams, Cincinnati (suspended 4 games, performance-enhancing substances)

T-Jason Peters, Philadelphia (arrested for disturbing peace)

Director of Pro Scouting-Shelton Quarles, Tampa Bay (arrested for DUI)

Game-Day Consultant-Jim Tressell, Indianapolis (suspended 6 games for lying to NCAA)

Next Week: the 2011 All-Jurisprudence Defensive Team nominations (and some of the players are pretty defensive about it!)