Plumbing the depths

By Steve Harvey

Updated every 3.2 seconds

(And welcome to the column all you NBA fans with nothing better to do!)

Colleges

Howard Schnellenberger has a chance to become the first coach ever to win a national championship as well as the Bottom Ten title.

Schnellenberger, whose 1983 Miami (Fla.) team won it all, is now the coach of Florida Atlantic, which is a university, not an airline, and has a chance to lose it all. FA, 0-9, seized sole possession of No. 1 after the unlikely triumph of former co-leader New Mexico over UNLV.

(New Mexico (1-9), as Bottom Ten rules mandate, was suspended from the rankings for one week after the victory).

Staying on top won't be easy for FA, which still needs to lose to Troy (2-7), Alabama (Birmingham) (2-8) and Louisiana-Monroe (3-7) in order to have its name inscribed on the plaque at the Bottom Ten Hall of Fame, currently located in the back of a van in Venice, Calif.

Another big gainer in the rankings was No. 3 Tulane (2-9), which fell to Houston, 17-73. Still, the Green Wave did briefly excite fans by scoring in the fourth quarter to narrow the margin to 17-59, thus making it just a 6-possession game.

Wreck, Record................ Last Loss.......................... Next Loss

1. Florida Atlantic (0-9)........ 7-41, Florida International.... Troy

2. UNLV (2-7) ........................14-21, New Mexico................... Air Force

3. Tulane (2-9)...................... 17-73, Houston .........................Rice

4. Akron (1-9).......................... 3-35, Kent State......................Buffalo

5. Memphis (2-8).................. 35-41, Alabama (Birm.) ..........Marshall

6. Indiana (1-9)...................... 20-34, Ohio State.....................Michigan State

7. Buffalo (2-8)...................... 17-30, Eastern Michigan ........Akron

8. Idaho (2-8) ..........................7-42, BYU.................................Utah State

9. Maryland (2-8)................. 21-45, Notre Dame.................. Wake Forest

10. Oh, Miss? (2-8) .................7-21, Louisiana Tech..............LSU

11. Alabama (Birm). (2-8); 12. Arizona (2-8); 13. Oregon State (2-8); 14. Colorado (2-9); 15. B.C. (2-8); 16. Duke (3-7); 17. Kentucky (4-6); 18. Tennessee (4-6); 19. Attending NBA opener; 20. Tie between William & Mary (4-6).

Rout of the Weak: LSU (10-0) at Oh, Miss? (2-8).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Florida Atlantic (0-9) at Troy (2-5) (the Troy in Alabama, not the one in Southern California).

The Pros

It was another low for the Dolts.

Indianapolis and Jacksonville were tied 3-3 Sunday but CBS didn't share any details with viewers on its early halftime show. ``No highlights here," NFL Today anchor James Brown snapped, quickly switching away to another game after giving the score.

But the Dolts did, of course, qualify for the Bottom Ten's lowlights show!

The 0-10 Dolts lost, 3-17, and are the only team with less than two wins in the NFL. They seem a shoe-in to get first choice in the draft but what happens if they take Andrew Luck and Luck can't find the team?

Don't forget this is the franchise that packed up its stuff in 15 Mayflower trucks when things got rough in 1984 and sneaked out of Baltimore, stopping in Indianapolis reportedly because they ran out of gas.

Cleveland, meanwhile, moved up to No. 4 with a 12-13 loss to St. Louis as the Browns' Phil Dawson botched a 22-yard field goal attempt. Dawson's miss occurred because center Ryan Pontbriand's snap bounced off the foot of a teammate lined next to him. His snap, in other words, was off to the left.

Wreck, Record.......... Last Loss............... Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-10)...... 3-17, Jacksonville...... Idle

2. Washington (3-6)........ 9-20, Miami............... Dallas

3. Philadelphia (3-6)....... 17-21, Arizona............ N.J. Giants

4. Cleveland (3-6)............ 12-13, St. Louis.......... Jacksonville

5. Carolina (2-7)................ 3-30, Tennessee....... Detroit

6. Minnehaha (2-7); 7. St. Louis (3-6); 8. San Diego (4-5); 9. DeSean Jackson's alarm clock; 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow (1-4).

Worst Imitation of a Football Player: As Tennessee's Marc Mariani was seen returning a punt 79 yards for a touchdown against Carolina, CBS' James Brown said of kicker Jason Baker's half-hearted attempt to bring down Mariani: ``At least give us a break. Try to make the tackle."

Quotebook: Regarding the contract gripes of Philadephia WR DeSean Jackson, one fan wrote to Yahoo (his spelling and grammar was left intact): ``why did he sign such a worthless contract. he is a educated man or is he? this reminds me of Revis, mr you signed a contract live up to it all you people out there who say give him the money would you say that ifn you owned philly?" (Perhaps ifn I owned a small part of the team.)

A Fox Warts Production

By Steve Harvey

Colleges

Lost Lobos of New Mexico (0-9) will really have to be off their game Saturday to retain a share of the Bottom Ten lead. After all, they play the nearly-as-inept Droolin' Rebels of Nevada Las Vegas (2-6) in the Crummy Game of the Year (tickets still available).

Lost Lobos are feeling the pressure from co-leader Florida Atlantic (0-8), which shows no sign of ever winning a game.

And, then there's No. 3 Alabama (Birmingham) (1-8) (sorry for all the parentheses) (it won't happen again). The Blazers poured it on themselves last week in a 13-56 drubbing by Houston.

It was a bad week for the state of Alabama, with the Crimson Tide falling to LSU, 6-9, in what some called The Game of the Century. Judging from the offensive output, those analysts apparently meant the 19th century.

Next up, Birmingham battles No. 13 Memphis (2-7) in a game known as the ``Battle for the Bones," with a gold-colored, rack-of-ribs trophy going to the winner. The matchup, according to one web site, recognizes the "renowned barbecue history" of each city.

If the game recognized the football history of each city, it might be called ``Battle for the Table Scraps."

Wreck, Record..............Last Loss...................Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-9)........... 7-35, San Diego State.... UNLV

1. Florida Atlantic (0-8)... 21-39, Arkansas State.... Florida International

3. Alabama (Birm.) (1-8).. 13-56, Houston................ Memphis

4. Colorado (1-9)................ 17-42, USC .......................Arizona

5. Akron (1-8)...................... 3-35, Miami (O)..............Kent State

6. Indiana (1-9).................. 20-34, Ohio State............ Michigan State

7. Maryland (2-7).............. 13-31, Virginia.................. Notre Dame

8. Kansas (2-7)................... 10-13, Iowa State............. Baylor

9. UNLV (2-6).................... 21-48, Boise State............ New Mexico

10. B.C. (2-7)....................... 7-38, Florida State..........North Carolina State

11. Buffalo (2-7); 12. Arizona (2-7); 13. Memphis (2-7); 14. Ole Ole Miss (2-7); 15. Minnesota (2-7); 16. Oregon State (2-7); 17. Idaho (2-7); 18 Washington State (3-6); 19. Censored; 20. Purdon't (4-5).

Crummy Game of the Year, if not Decade: UNLV (2-6) at New Mexico (0-9).

Rout of the Weak: Wisconsin (7-2) over Minnesota (2-7).

The Pros

Miami (Fla.) hasn't been able to do anything right this year so it figure that the Dolphins would go out and win a game, thereby threatening their chances of getting Stanford's Andrew Luck in the draft.

And Miami won without cornerback Vontae Davis, who was suspended for one game after reportedly showing up for practice with alcohol on his breath. (Maybe he mistakenly thought he was supposed to study Bloody Marys, not Hail Marys.)

The Dolphins' victory left Indianapolis (0-9) as the only winless team in the NFL. The Dolts just seem unstartable. Of course, wouldn't it be interesting if Indy got the first pick and Luck pulled a John Elway---that is, refused to sign with the Dolts, as John Elway did in 1983? Elway was eventually traded to Denver.

Elsewhere, the No. 3 Philadelphia Eagles blew a 4th quarter lead for the fourth time this season, which makes you wonder. When they were buying marquee players in the offseason, why didn't they acquire Mariano Rivera as a closer?

And, welcome back, No. 8 San Diego, which rejoined the Bottom Ten on the wings of three interceptions by Philip Rivers for Norv Turnover's team.

Wreck, Record..........Last Loss......................Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-9)...... 7-31, Atlanta....................... Jacksonville

2. Seattle (2-6)............. .13-23, Dallas........................ Baltimore

3. Philadelphia (3-5)..... 24-30, Chicago.................... Arizona

4. St. Louis (1-7)............ 13-19, Arizona .....................Cleveland

5. Miami (Fla.) (1-7)..... Def. Kansas City, 31-3........ Washington

6. Jacksonville (2-6); 7. Washington (3-5); 8. San Diego (4-4); 9. Oakland (4-4) 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow this year (1-2).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Jacksonville (2-6) at Indianapolis (0-9).

Fantasy Flop of the Week: New England WR Chad Ochocinco, vs. N.J. Giants: no catches for no yards and no touchdowns.

Thought for the Day: Blogger/commentator Norman Chad says, "Frankly, the only sideline reporters I respect are those at the Running of the Bulls."

Pre-Halloween Horror Show

By Steve Harvey

Enforced 24 hours, 7 days a week

The Colleges

The most bizarre event of the season involved the streaker who ran on to the field disguised as a ref just before halftime of the game between Arizona and No. 10 UCLA. ESPN.com reported that impersonation charges would be filed, leading one reader to ask: Against "the streaker or the Bruins?"

It was a good question. Were those real UCLA players who trailed a 1-5 team, 7-42, at halftime? Perhaps the Bruins should be ordered to carry ID's with them when they're on the field.

Fox Sports radio host Ben Maller, referring to the fact that the NFL team with the worst record will have an opportunity to sign Stanford QB Andrew Luck, wrote: "Someone needs to tell UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel that the Bruins aren't allowed to take part in the NFL's 'Suck for Luck' campaign."

In other legal matters, LSU had three players suspended for smoking synthetic marijuana, prompting Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel to comment: ``At least in Florida our college players smoke the real thing. Question: When you smoke synthetic marijuana, do you get the mock munchies and have a craving for phony baloney?"

Synthetic refs and weed. What a year.

Wreck, Record............. Last Week ............................Next Week

1. Florida Atlantic (0-7)...14-38, Middle Tennessee................Resting

1. New Mexico (0-7).......... 0-69, TCU........................................Air Force

3. UNLV (1-5)..................... 14-41, Wyoming .............................Colorado State

4. Indiana (1-7).................. 24-45, Iowa......................................Northwestern

5. Idaho (1-6)..................... 24-31, New Mexico State.............. Hawaii

6. Minnesota (1-6)............ 14-41, Nebraska.............................. Iowa

7. Colorado (1-7)..................2-45, Oregon..................................Arizona State*

8. B.C. (1-6)........................ 14-30 Virginia Tech........................Maryland

9. Miami (O.) (2-5)........... 28-49, Toledo................................. Buffalo

10. UCLA (3-4).................. 12-48, Arizona................................ Cal

*Inadvertent italics; please ignore.

11. Akron (1-6); 12. Two Lane (2-6) ; 13. Northwestern (2-5); 14. Maryland (2-5); 15. Kansas (2-5); 16. Utah State (2-5); 17. Buffalo (2-6); 18. Memphis (2-6); 19. Censored; 20. Tennessee (3-4).

Crummy Games of the Weak: B.C. (1-6) at Maryland (2-5); Northwestern (2-5) at Indiana (1-7); Buffalo (2-6) at Miami (O.) (2-5).

Rout of the Weak: Arizona State (5-2) over Colorado (1-7).

The Pros

It was this bad: New Orleans QB Drew Brees threw more touchdown passes (5) than incompletions (4) against Indianapolis. Obviously the No. 1 Dolts really need Peyton Manning back at linebacker or cornerback or wherever he played when their defense was so much better.

No. 2 Miasma, meanwhile, continued its losing ways, becoming the first team since the NFL-AFL merger in 1970 to blow a 15-point in the last three minutes. The Dolphins rallied to lose to Denver, 15-18, after the Good Tebow replaced the Bad Tebow in the fourth quarter.

One odd footnote to the game concerning Denver's former starting quarterback was noted byprofootballtalk.com in this tweet: "Kyle Orton earns his $529,000 game check by calling the toss to start overtime. And getting it wrong."

Exiting the Bottom Ten was Jacksonville (2-5), which edged inoffensive Baltimore, 12-7. The game was noteworthy in that the Ravens' Sam Koch was asked to punt nine times. (He said yes each time). As long as he stays with Baltimore, Koch never has to worry about coming down with a case of restless legs syndrome.

Wreck, Record Last Week Next Week

1. Indianapolis (0-7).....7-62, New Orleans... Tennessee

2. Miami (Fla.) (0-6).....15-18, Tebow............. N.J. Giants

3. St. Louis (0-6)...........7-34, Dallas.............. New Orleans

4. Arizona (1-5).......... 20-32, Pitts................. Baltimore

5. Minnehaha (1-6).... 27-33, Bay (Green).....Carolina

6. Seattle (2-4); 7. Washington (3-3); 8. Denver (2-4); 9. Philadelphia (2-4); 10. Terrell Owens' workout for NFL teams (zero attendees).

Rout of the Weak: Detroit over Denver (if the Bad Tebow plays).

Rout of the Weak: Denver over Detroit (if the Good Tebow plays).

Celebrating lousy football for 45 years!

Sending...

By Steve Harvey (first-time caller, long-time fan)

Colleges

It was the moment Bottom Ten fans had been waiting for: the release of the first BCS (Bowl Chump Series) rankings.

Yes, the first indication of who will play for the Bottom Ten championship at a site to be determined later_possibly Flushing Meadows, N.Y., or the living room of the former Aaron Spelling mansion in Bel Air. The Comedy Channel is expected to win broadcast rights.

Leading the BCS pack were Lost Lobos of New Mexico (0-6) and Florida Atlantic, which has made quite a splash with its 0-6 record.

Both schools have major tests ahead, however. New Mexico must find a way to lose to UNLV (1-5)_no easy task_on Nov. 12. And Florida Atlantic may be unable to avoid victory over Middle Tennessee (1-4) on Saturday.

By the way, if Florida Atlantic's football efforts seem comedic, it may be because the team learned something from its most famous alumnus, Scott Thompson, better known as Carrot Top.

Wreck, Record................. Last Loss..................... Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-6)................ 7-49, Nevada...................... TCU

2. Florida Atlantic (0-6)......... 0-20, Western Kentucky.. Middle Tenn

3. Arizona (1-5)......................... Idle...................................... UCLA

4. Colorado (1-6)...................... 24-52, Washington............ Oregon

5. B.C. (1-5)................................ Idle .......................................Va Tech

6. Akron (1-5)........................... Idle....................................... Ohio (Ohio)

7. La Verne & Shirley (1-4).... 17-52, Cal Lutheran............ Chapman

8. Middle-Aged Miss (2-4)..... 7-52, Alabama.................... Arkansas

9. UNLV (1-5)............................14-41, Wyoming................. Colorado State

10. Indiana (1-6).........................7-59, Wisconsin................ Northwestern.

11. Oregon State (1-5); 12. Kansas (2-4); 13. Kentucky (2-4); 14. Buffalo (2-5); 15. Memphis (1-6); 16. Idaho (1-6); 17. Miami (Fla.) (3-3); 18. Northwestern (2-4); 19. This space for rent; 20. The Pitts (3-4).

Crummy Game of the Weak: UCLA (3-3) at Arizona (1-5).

Rout of the Week: Oregon (5-1) all over Colorado (1-6),

No audible call here: Michigan football fan Johnny Wakefield paid $150 to rent an empty Ohio Stadium for an hour to propose marriage to Ohio State fan Abbey Zellers on the 50-yard line. "She said yes," reported Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, "though her commitment isn't binding until letter-of-intent day."

The Pros

How bad are the St. Louis Lambs this year? When Green Bay drubbed them 24-3 Sunday, Packer quarterback Aaron Rodgers said afterward that he had a "feeling of minor disappointment." That's right_the Lambs are so bad this year that when you whip them by just 21 points you feel like you've had an off-day.

Lambs running back Steven Jackson, meanwhile, said, ``For whatever reason, we get into the red zone, we keep shooting ourselves in the foot." Luckily, that wasn't how QB Sam Bradford suffered his ankle injury.

Meanwhile, Miami Herald columnist Greg Cote quizzed fans on his blog on whether the No. 2 Dolphins (0-5) should throw in the towel for the year. Just under 70% said the Dolphins should keep up the losing so they can draft Stanford's Andrew Luck.

This is known as "the Suck for Luck" movement. It's too soon to tell if it will lead to sit-ins around the nation in quarterback-deprived cities.

As for the No. 6 Philadelphia Dream-Teamers, they've gone from bad to merely mediocre. The DT's edged Washington, 20-13, in a game in which 'Skinned QB Rex Grossman threw four interceptions and showed why the Washington Post's Mike Wise says he has multiple personalities: ``Good Rex, Bad Rex and Train Rex."

Wreck, Record.............Last Loss.............. Next Loss

1. St. Louis (0-5)..................3-24, Bay (Green)..... Dallas

2. Miami (0-5).....................6-24, N.J. Jets............ Denver

3. Indianapolis (0-6).........17-27, Cincinnati......... New Orleans

4. Jacksonville (1-5)..........13-17, Pitts................... Baltimore

5. Dallas (2-3)....................16-20, New England.... St. Louis

6. Philadelphia (2-4); 7. Minnehaha (1-5); 8. Carolina (1-5); 9. Arizona (1-4); 10. Tie between Harbaugh (0-0-1) and Schwartz (0-0-1).

Crummy Game of the Weak: St. Louis (0-5) vs. Dallas (2-3).

Fantasy Flops: Jacksonville QB Blaine Gabbert (12 of 26 for 109 yards, 1 TD), Washington QB Rex Grossman (9 of 22 for 143 yards, 4 interceptions, no TDs), Houston RB Arian Foster (15 carries, 49 yards no TDs).

Turned off: The NFL requires offensive linemen to wear microphones to "enhance" broadcasts. The other day, Baltimore center Matt Birk was fined $5,000 for tearing off his mic after it came loose. Call it the silence of the Ravens.

Still sending...