Into the Abyss

by Steve Harvey

(Recorded earlier in some time zones)

The Bottom Ten was left in a shambles after the two top-rated teams, Georgia and the Fighting Rash of Notre Dame, suffered untimely victories.

The Rash defeated Michigan State, 31-13, while Georgia edged Coastal Carolina, 59-0, in a game that was closer than it looked. The Bulldogs could easily have been held to 52 points.

Whatever, both Georgia and the Rash were put on probation. A second victory for either school would result in it being banned from the Bottom Ten for the rest of the year; a third victory, under the Bottom Ten's three-strikes provision, could result in a lifetime ban.

Taking over at No. 1 was a school with no chance of compiling three wins, Akron (0-3).

The Zips were followed by B.C. (0-3), which lost to Duke in a battle of the winless, and the meager Beavers of Oregon State (0-2), who had no game last week but looked poor in practice.

Wreck, Record..............Last Loss...........................Next Loss

1. Akron (0-3)......................14-59, Cincinnati..................... VMI

2. B.C. (0-3)........................ 19-20, Duke.............................. Mass

3. Oregon State (0-2)......... Healing .....................................UCLA

4. San Jose State (0-3)....... 14-17, Nevada...........................New Mexico State

5. Alabama (Birm.) (0-2)... 10-49, Tulane.......................... East Carolina

6. East Carolina (0-2)......... Healing ....................................Alabama (Birm.)

7. Notre Dame (1-2)............ Def. Michigan State, 31-13......The Pitts

8. Georgia (1-2) ...................Def. Coastal Carolina, 59-0.....Ole Miss

9. UCLA (1-2) ......................20-49, Texas............................ Oregon State

10. North Texas (0-3)......... 0-41, Alabama......................... Indiana

11. North Carolina 2008 and 2009 teams (16 victories erased because of various NCAA infractions) ; 12. Western Kentucky (0-3); 13. Blank (Ohio) (0-2); 14. Florida Atlantic (0-2); 15. Duke (1-2); 16. Minnesota (1-2); 17.-18. (Tie) Ole Miss (1-2) and Miss State of Confusion (1-2) (or vice versa); 19. Under construction; 20. Ohio State (2-1) (dropped out of Top 25 for first time in 103 weeks after losing to Miami of Florida, 6-24).

Crummy Game of the Week: UCLA (1-2) vs. Oregon State (0-2).

You're a Bruin for four years but you're a Trojan for life...except: Refuting the old Trojan saying was ex-USC quarterback Todd Marinovich, who told the New York Times he was rooting for his younger brother, Syracuse defensive end Mikhail Marinovich, before Saturday's Orange-Trojans game. ``I hope he knocks the Trojans out," proclaimed Todd. The Trojans won, 38-17, disappointing everyone in the Marinovich family.

The Pros

The big game of the Bottom Ten season could be Oct. 9 when the Indianapolis Dolts host the Kansas City Chefs, possibly the only chance for either to win a game this year. How bad are the two?

The Dolts were actually the underdog against lowly Cleveland---in Indianapolis. And the Browns covered the spread, 27-19.

The Chefs, meanwhile, have been eaten alive by a score of 89-10 in their two losses. Only three NFL teams in the last 75 years have been outscored by more points in the same span (none of them owned by Al Davis, surprisingly enough).

Meanwhile, another team on a streak, the 0-2 St. Louis Lambs moved up to No. 5 with a 16-28 pasting by the New Jersey Giants. The Lambs were paced by running back Cadillac Williams, who didn't bother to pick up a lateral pass that went awry; the Giants' Michael Boley scooped it up and ran 65 yards for a touchdown. Cadillac Williams is now known as Edsel Williams.

Checking in at No. 8 was the Chicago Bears' offensive line, which allowed Jay Cutler

to be sacked six times and knocked down numerous other times in a 13-30 drubbing by New Orleans. The protection was so poor that even Floyd Mayweather hit Cutler with two sneak punches.

Wreck, Record........ Last Loss............ Next Loss

1. Kansas City (0-2)...... 3-48, Detroit........... San Diego

2. Indianapolis (0-2).....19-27, Cleveland..... The Pitts

3. Seattle (0-2)............... 0-24, The Pitts.......Arizona

4. Minnesota (0-2)...... 20-24,Tampa Bay.... Detroit

5. St. Louis (0-2)......... 16-28, N.J. Giants.... Baltimore

6. Jacksonville (1-1); 7. Miami (0-2); 8. Chicago Bears' offensive line; 9. Philadelphia (1-1); 10. Emmy Awards show (outdrawn by Philadelphia-Atlanta game, 21.5 million viewers to 12.4 million viewers, on Sunday night).

Rout of the Week: Cruel, merciless Detroit (2-0) over Minnesota (0-2).

Quotebook: ESPN talk show host Colin Cowherd, theorizing why the Bears' protection was so poor in New Orleans: ``The entire offensive line missed their flight and the Bears had to use busboys from the French Quarter."

(Now, we rejoin our regularly scheduled program, already in progress.)