A Fox Warts Production

By Steve Harvey

Colleges

Lost Lobos of New Mexico (0-9) will really have to be off their game Saturday to retain a share of the Bottom Ten lead. After all, they play the nearly-as-inept Droolin' Rebels of Nevada Las Vegas (2-6) in the Crummy Game of the Year (tickets still available).

Lost Lobos are feeling the pressure from co-leader Florida Atlantic (0-8), which shows no sign of ever winning a game.

And, then there's No. 3 Alabama (Birmingham) (1-8) (sorry for all the parentheses) (it won't happen again). The Blazers poured it on themselves last week in a 13-56 drubbing by Houston.

It was a bad week for the state of Alabama, with the Crimson Tide falling to LSU, 6-9, in what some called The Game of the Century. Judging from the offensive output, those analysts apparently meant the 19th century.

Next up, Birmingham battles No. 13 Memphis (2-7) in a game known as the ``Battle for the Bones," with a gold-colored, rack-of-ribs trophy going to the winner. The matchup, according to one web site, recognizes the "renowned barbecue history" of each city.

If the game recognized the football history of each city, it might be called ``Battle for the Table Scraps."

Wreck, Record..............Last Loss...................Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-9)........... 7-35, San Diego State.... UNLV

1. Florida Atlantic (0-8)... 21-39, Arkansas State.... Florida International

3. Alabama (Birm.) (1-8).. 13-56, Houston................ Memphis

4. Colorado (1-9)................ 17-42, USC .......................Arizona

5. Akron (1-8)...................... 3-35, Miami (O)..............Kent State

6. Indiana (1-9).................. 20-34, Ohio State............ Michigan State

7. Maryland (2-7).............. 13-31, Virginia.................. Notre Dame

8. Kansas (2-7)................... 10-13, Iowa State............. Baylor

9. UNLV (2-6).................... 21-48, Boise State............ New Mexico

10. B.C. (2-7)....................... 7-38, Florida State..........North Carolina State

11. Buffalo (2-7); 12. Arizona (2-7); 13. Memphis (2-7); 14. Ole Ole Miss (2-7); 15. Minnesota (2-7); 16. Oregon State (2-7); 17. Idaho (2-7); 18 Washington State (3-6); 19. Censored; 20. Purdon't (4-5).

Crummy Game of the Year, if not Decade: UNLV (2-6) at New Mexico (0-9).

Rout of the Weak: Wisconsin (7-2) over Minnesota (2-7).

The Pros

Miami (Fla.) hasn't been able to do anything right this year so it figure that the Dolphins would go out and win a game, thereby threatening their chances of getting Stanford's Andrew Luck in the draft.

And Miami won without cornerback Vontae Davis, who was suspended for one game after reportedly showing up for practice with alcohol on his breath. (Maybe he mistakenly thought he was supposed to study Bloody Marys, not Hail Marys.)

The Dolphins' victory left Indianapolis (0-9) as the only winless team in the NFL. The Dolts just seem unstartable. Of course, wouldn't it be interesting if Indy got the first pick and Luck pulled a John Elway---that is, refused to sign with the Dolts, as John Elway did in 1983? Elway was eventually traded to Denver.

Elsewhere, the No. 3 Philadelphia Eagles blew a 4th quarter lead for the fourth time this season, which makes you wonder. When they were buying marquee players in the offseason, why didn't they acquire Mariano Rivera as a closer?

And, welcome back, No. 8 San Diego, which rejoined the Bottom Ten on the wings of three interceptions by Philip Rivers for Norv Turnover's team.

Wreck, Record..........Last Loss......................Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-9)...... 7-31, Atlanta....................... Jacksonville

2. Seattle (2-6)............. .13-23, Dallas........................ Baltimore

3. Philadelphia (3-5)..... 24-30, Chicago.................... Arizona

4. St. Louis (1-7)............ 13-19, Arizona .....................Cleveland

5. Miami (Fla.) (1-7)..... Def. Kansas City, 31-3........ Washington

6. Jacksonville (2-6); 7. Washington (3-5); 8. San Diego (4-4); 9. Oakland (4-4) 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow this year (1-2).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Jacksonville (2-6) at Indianapolis (0-9).

Fantasy Flop of the Week: New England WR Chad Ochocinco, vs. N.J. Giants: no catches for no yards and no touchdowns.

Thought for the Day: Blogger/commentator Norman Chad says, "Frankly, the only sideline reporters I respect are those at the Running of the Bulls."

Lowest of the Low

by Steve Harvey

(Not valid in Nebraska, or parts of South Dakota)

The Colleges

Frustrated Georgia football fans can appreciate only too well the lyric from the state song ``Georgia, oh Georgia, no peace I find..."

The Bulldogs, ranked No. 19 in AP's pre-season (TOP 25) poll, jumped to No. 1 in the Bottom Ten with a 42-45 loss to South Carolina, pushing their record to a spotless 0-2. There is so much turmoil on the team that, Uga, the school's canine mascot, is threatening to transfer to Fresno State, even if it means red-leashing for a year.

Another big disappointment to its fans is Notre Dame, the legendary Fighting Rash, which AP ranked No. 16 in the pre-season in an apparent attempt to steal laughs from the Bottom Ten. The Rash is also winless, and No. 2 in the BT.

Elsewhere, Iowa State (2-0) defeated No. 18 Iowa (1-1) by a 44-41 score in their annual grudge match, which marks the end of the season for both schools because they're too boring to play a full year.

Wreck, Record Last Loss Next Loss

1.Georgia (0-2).............42-45, South Carolina.....Coastal Carolina

2. Notre Dame (0-2)......31-35, Michigan...............Michigan State

3. Colorado (0-2)...........33-36, Cal (OT) ...............Colorado State

4. Oregon State (0-2)......0-35, Wisconsin............ UCLA

5. BC* (0-2).......................3-30, Central Florida...Duke

6. Duke (0-2) ..................10-44, Stanford...............BC**

7. San Jose State (0-2)...17-27, UCLA....................Nevada

8. Akron (0-2) .................3-41, Temple..................Cincinnati

9. Indiana (0-2)................31-34, Virginia...............South Carolina State

10. East Carolina (0-2).. 10-17, Virginia Tech..... Alabama (Birmingham)

*Not the comic strip

**Might be the comic strip

11. North Texas (0-2); 12. Minnesota (0-2); 13. Alabama (Birmingham) (0-1); 14. Blank (Ohio) 0-1); 15. UNLV (0-2); 16. Nevada (0-1); 17. Western Kentucky (0-2); 18. Iowa State (1-1); 19. Out to lunch; 20. Memphis (0-2).

Rout of the Weak: Alabama (2-0) vs. North Texas (0-2).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Duke (0-2) @ B.C (0-2).

The Pros

Much of the suspense involving the NFL season has vanished with the realization that the next Super Bowl will be a matchup of undefeated Buffalo and undefeated Detroit.

The Bottom Ten race is still competitive, though.

The Dallas Cows took possession of the top spot with a come-from-ahead 24-27 loss to the New Jersey Jets. The Cows came into the game with a franchise record of 241-0-1 in games in which they led by 14 or more points in the fourth quarter. Then they blew a 10-24 lead in that quarter.

New Jersey's other team, the Eli Manning-quarterbacked Ants, didn't fare as well, falling to Washington, 14-28. But then the Skins were quarterbacked by Rex Grossman.

Meanwhile, unreliable reports say that the Oklahoma Sooners still haven't made up their mind whether to transfer to the Pac-Whatever conference or the NFC West.

Pros

Wreck, Record............Last Loss ........Next Loss

1. Dallas (0-1)..............24-27, N.Y. Jets.........S.F.

2. N.J. Ants (0-1).........14-28, Washington....St. Louis

3. Kansas City (0-1)......7-41, Buffalo..............Detroit

4. The Pitts (0-1)..........7-35, Baltimore.........Seattle

5. Seattle (0-1)............17-33, San Francisco..The Pitts

6. Old Orleans (0-1); 7. Minnesota (0-1); 8. Indianapolis (0-1); 9. Cleveland (0-1); 10. Tennessee (0-1).

Rout of the Weak: San Francisco (1-0) over Dallas (0-1).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Seattle (0-1) at the Pitts (0-1).

Fantasy Flops: WR Chad Ochocinco (N.England), 1 catch for 14 yards; QB Donovan McNabb (Minnesota) 7 completions in 15 attempts for 39 yards and one interception; RB Chris Johnson (Tennessee) 9 carries 24 yards; RB LeGarrette Blount (Tampa Bay) 5 carries, 15 yards.

2011 All-Jurisprudence Offensive Team nominations

QB-Terrelle Prior, Oakland (suspended 5 games for violating NFL eligiblity rules)

QB-Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh (faces sexual assault suit)

RB-Cedric Benson, Cincinnati (jailed 5 days for assault)

RB-Michael Bush, Oakland (arrested for drunk driving

RB-Laurence Maroney, Denver (arrested on weapons charge)

FB-Ahmard Hall, Tennessee (suspended 4 games for using performance-enhancing substances)

WR-David Reed, Baltimore (suspended 1 game, substance abuse)

WR-Kenny Britt, Tennessee (faces charges of drug possession, resisting arrest)

G-Bobby Williams, Cincinnati (suspended 4 games, performance-enhancing substances)

T-Jason Peters, Philadelphia (arrested for disturbing peace)

Director of Pro Scouting-Shelton Quarles, Tampa Bay (arrested for DUI)

Game-Day Consultant-Jim Tressell, Indianapolis (suspended 6 games for lying to NCAA)

Next Week: the 2011 All-Jurisprudence Defensive Team nominations (and some of the players are pretty defensive about it!)