BCS (Bowl Chump Series) Canceled!

By Steve Harvey

Updated 3 nanoseconds ago

Colleges

Alas, there'll be no post-season Bottom Ten Bowl series inasmuch as talks broke down with NBC to hold the competition on its show, ``The Biggest Loser."

So, four teams will be in contention for the prestigious title on Saturday: New Mexico (1-10), Akron (1-11), Indiana (1-11) and Florida Atlantic (1-10).

New Mexico is the favorite because of a favorable schedule: Lost Lobos get to close against Boise State, giving them a chance to lose by anywhere from 40 to 60 points.

No. 3 Florida Atlantic, by contrast, could actually defeat its opponent, No. 10 Louisiana-Monroe (named for James, not Marilyn).

All Akron and Indiana can do is wait_their seasons are over (for which their fans can be thankful).

The end of the season is, unfortunately, a time for firings. Sure enough, the Bottom Ten axed several staff members, including one who ranked Oregon No. 1 after the Ducks' opening loss to LSU, another who reported that the University of Texas was going to jump to the American League West and a third who believed Urban Meyer last week when Meyer said he had not been offered the coaching job at Ohio State.

Wreck, Record................................ Last Loss........................Next Loss

1. New Mexico (1-10).............................Idle.......................................Boise State

2. Akron (1-11)..................................... 19-68, W. Michigan................*

3. Indiana (1-11)....................................25-33, Purdon't...................... *

4. Florida Atlantic (1-10).......................Def. Ala. (Birm.), 38-35...........La.-Monroe

5. UNLV (2-9)...................................... 14-31, San Diego State...........TCU

6. Two Lane (2-11).............................. .23-35, Hawaii .........................*

7. Maryland (2-10)............................... 41-56, N.C. State......................*

8. Kansas (2-10).................................. 10-2, Missouri .........................*

9. Near Miss (2-10)............................. 3-31, Ole Miss State.................*

10. Louisiana-Monroe (3-8).................. Idle...........................................Florida Atlantic

11. Duke (3-9); 12; Idaho (2-9); 13. Central Michigan (3-9); 14. Oregon State (3-9); 15. Washington State (4-8); 16. Rice (4-8); 17. Tennessee (5-7); 18. Kentucky (5-7); 19. Closed Until Summer; 20. UCLA (6-6).

* Denotes season is over, done, finito, toast.

Rout of the Weak: New Mexico (1-10) at Boise State (10-1). Alternate selection: Oregon (10-2) vs. UCLA (6-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Louisiana-Monroe (3-8) at Florida Atlantic (1-10).

Correction of the Week (from the New York Times): ``A chart on Monday about the contenders for the Heisman Trophy misstated the number of passes that Southern California quarterback Matt Barkley threw and completed against UCLA on Saturday. He completed 35 of 42 passes, not 3 of 12."

Correction of the Week Comment: So that's how USC won, 50-0!

Quotebook: On his blog, UCLA athletic director Dan Guerrero promised he ``will leave no stone unturned in finding the best person" to replace fired coach Rick Neuheisel. Mused the L.A. Times' T.J. Simers: ``Do you really want UCLA finding its next football coach under a rock somewhere?"

Pros

Dan Orlovsky is starting at quarterback for Indianapolis (0-11) Sunday and it will be a familiar experience for him. His last start was in 2008 for Detroit, which went 0-16 that year. Orlovsky is replacing Curtis Painter, who hasn't figured out the art of playing quarterback in the NFL.

Unfortunately for Orlovsky and the Dolts, they face New England (8-3). The overs-and-unders for the game is 50, the same number of points the Patriots are favored to win by.

Exciting as the Dolts' winless drive may be, there was even more talk about the stomping epidemic sweeping the pro football world.

Just the other day, ex-NFL QB Joe Kapp, age 73, knocked down a former rival at a Canadian Football League annual alumni luncheon, then kicked him. Kapp is expected to be suspended from the next two annual alumni luncheons.

Kapp's outburst came on the heel of Detroit defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh of Detroit stepping on a Green Bay player. Suh (rhymes with ``shoe") will sit out the next two games, unless an appeal to halve his suspension is granted.

In order to save plane and hotel fare, Suh has rented an apartment in Manhattan to make it easier for him to commute to his weekly scoldings by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss................ Next Loss

1. Guess Who (0-11)...... 19-27, Carolina........... New England (!)

2. St. Louis (2-9)........... 20-23, Arizona ............San Francisco

3. San Diego (4-7)......... 13-16, Denver OT*........Jacksonville

4. Minnehaha (2-9)........ 14-24, Atlanta.............. Denver

5. Philadelphia (4-7)...... 20-38, New England......Seattle

6. Jacksonville (3-8); 7. Kansas City (4-7); 8. Cleveland (4-7); 9. Buffalo (5-6); 10. Rest of NFL vs. Tebow (1-4).

*OT stands for ``overcome by Tebow."

Crummy Thursday Night Game of the Weak: Philadelphia (4-7) at Seattle (4-7). NFL Network promoted it as a ``primetime showdown" in one ad. For what? The Bottom Ten title?

Crummy Monday Night Game of the Weak: San Diego (4-7) at Jacksonville (3-8).

Rout of the Weak: Guess Who (0-11) at New England (8-3).

A kicker whose aim must be good in more ways than one: Chargers kicker Nick Novak, caught by cameras urinating on the sideline during the San Diego-Denver game, told the New York Times: ``I usually go two or three times a game...We can't really go inside to do it. You just take a knee, have teammates hold up towels."

Defining Black Friday: ``Just think of it as going shopping with 5,000 Ndamukong Suhs," wrote Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times.

Under Old Management!

By Steve Harvey

(No returns or exchanges without receipt)

The Colleges

Halloween horrors came two days early for No. 1 New Mexico (0-8). Lost Lobos fell to Air Force, 0-42, while co-leader Florida Atlantic (0-7), like a child too young to go out on trick-or-treat night, was given a bye.

As for New Mexico, ``if the Lobos don't win their next game, the Land of Enchantment officially becomes the Land of Stultifying Loss after Stultifying Loss," wrote Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald.

Meanwhile, football fans were excited about reports that the Big East Conference would add Boise State (for football only) and UCLA (for marching band only).

Wreck, Record............. Last Loss................... Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-8)........... 0-42, Air Force............... San Diego State

1. Florida Atlantic (0-7)..... Idle................................... Arkansas State

3. Indiana (1-8).................... 38-59, Northwestern.... Ohio State

4. Idaho (1-7)........................ 14-16, Hawaii................. San Jose State

5. Colorado (1-8)................. 14-48, Arizona State..... USC

6. Alabama (Birm.) (1-7).... 14-59, Marshall.............. Houston

7. Rice (2-6) .........................34-73, Houston.............. UTEP

8. Two-Lane (2-7) ...............13-34, East Carolina..... The SMUs

9. Maryland (2-6)................ 17-28, BC ........................Virginia

10. Memphis (2-7)............... 0-41, Central Florida... Alabama (Birm.) (Nov. 12)

11. Buffalo (2-7); 12. Oregon State (2-6); 13. North Texas (3-6); 14. B.C. (2-6); 15. UNLV (2-5); 16. Akron (1-7); 17. Utah State (2-5); 18 Minnesota (2-6); 19. Your Name Here; 20. Miami (O.) (2-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Akron (1-7) at Miami (O.) (2-6).

Rout of the Week: Houston (8-0) at Alabama (Birmingham) (1-7).

Quotebook: Actor Tim Allen, as the dad on the sitcom, ``Last Man Standing": ``College is important. Without college there'd be no college football."

Feel the electricity: After Missoula police had to use tasers on two University of Montana players to break up a party, Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times reported the two were classified as ``day to day with a stinger."

The Pros

The Dallas Cows (3-4) rose to No. 5 with a 7-34 loss to Philadelphia, which did virtually everything right except for the play on which center Jason Kelce thought QB Michael Vick was taking a direct snap. Kelce hiked the ball up his own butt.

Vick, who was in shotgun formation, recovered the fumble but, as NBC broadcaster Chris Collinsworth, put it, this was a hike to file ``under the embarrassing category."

In another anatomical matter, Minnehaha defensive end Brian Robison was fined $20,000 for kicking Green Bay guard T.J. Lang in the groin during the previous week's game. Robison insisted he did not ``maliciously aim for genitalia," but would not say whether his errant kick was off to the left or to the right.

With the St. Louis Lambs' win over New Orleans (welcome back, Aints!), the ranks of the unwon dwindled to two: No. 1 Indianapolis (0-8) and No. 2 Miami (Fla.) (0-7).

The Dolts stayed on top despite the admission by Miami's Reggie Bush after a recent loss to Denver that ``right now the team stinks."

The No. 7 Buncos, with the Bad Tebow at quarterback, rebounded from that triumph to lose to Detroit 45-10. The Detroit Free Press pointed out that the NFL's website had billed the game as "Good vs. Evil." Afterward, Ndamukong Suh, the heavily-fined Detroit tackle, exulted: "Evil prevails."

Wreck, Record............ Last Loss............. Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-8)......... 10-27, Tennessee..... Atlanta

2. Miami (0-7)................... 17-20, N. J. Giants... Kansas City

3. Seattle (2-5).................. 12-34, Cincinnati...... Dallas

4. Arizona (1-6) .................27-30, Baltimore..... .St. Louis

5. Dallas (3-4)................... 7-34, Philadelphia.... Seattle

6. St. Louis (1-6); 7. Denver (2-5); 8. Washington (3-4); 9. Jacksonville (2-6); 10. San Diego (4-3).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Dallas (3-4) vs. Seattle (2-5).

Fantasy Flop of the Week (if not the year): Tennessee running back Chris Johnson, 14 carries, 34 yards, no TDs. (Johnson, who is averaging 2.8 yards per carry, has been held to 34 or fewer yards four times this season.)

Celebrating lousy football for 45 years!

Sending...

By Steve Harvey (first-time caller, long-time fan)

Colleges

It was the moment Bottom Ten fans had been waiting for: the release of the first BCS (Bowl Chump Series) rankings.

Yes, the first indication of who will play for the Bottom Ten championship at a site to be determined later_possibly Flushing Meadows, N.Y., or the living room of the former Aaron Spelling mansion in Bel Air. The Comedy Channel is expected to win broadcast rights.

Leading the BCS pack were Lost Lobos of New Mexico (0-6) and Florida Atlantic, which has made quite a splash with its 0-6 record.

Both schools have major tests ahead, however. New Mexico must find a way to lose to UNLV (1-5)_no easy task_on Nov. 12. And Florida Atlantic may be unable to avoid victory over Middle Tennessee (1-4) on Saturday.

By the way, if Florida Atlantic's football efforts seem comedic, it may be because the team learned something from its most famous alumnus, Scott Thompson, better known as Carrot Top.

Wreck, Record................. Last Loss..................... Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-6)................ 7-49, Nevada...................... TCU

2. Florida Atlantic (0-6)......... 0-20, Western Kentucky.. Middle Tenn

3. Arizona (1-5)......................... Idle...................................... UCLA

4. Colorado (1-6)...................... 24-52, Washington............ Oregon

5. B.C. (1-5)................................ Idle .......................................Va Tech

6. Akron (1-5)........................... Idle....................................... Ohio (Ohio)

7. La Verne & Shirley (1-4).... 17-52, Cal Lutheran............ Chapman

8. Middle-Aged Miss (2-4)..... 7-52, Alabama.................... Arkansas

9. UNLV (1-5)............................14-41, Wyoming................. Colorado State

10. Indiana (1-6).........................7-59, Wisconsin................ Northwestern.

11. Oregon State (1-5); 12. Kansas (2-4); 13. Kentucky (2-4); 14. Buffalo (2-5); 15. Memphis (1-6); 16. Idaho (1-6); 17. Miami (Fla.) (3-3); 18. Northwestern (2-4); 19. This space for rent; 20. The Pitts (3-4).

Crummy Game of the Weak: UCLA (3-3) at Arizona (1-5).

Rout of the Week: Oregon (5-1) all over Colorado (1-6),

No audible call here: Michigan football fan Johnny Wakefield paid $150 to rent an empty Ohio Stadium for an hour to propose marriage to Ohio State fan Abbey Zellers on the 50-yard line. "She said yes," reported Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, "though her commitment isn't binding until letter-of-intent day."

The Pros

How bad are the St. Louis Lambs this year? When Green Bay drubbed them 24-3 Sunday, Packer quarterback Aaron Rodgers said afterward that he had a "feeling of minor disappointment." That's right_the Lambs are so bad this year that when you whip them by just 21 points you feel like you've had an off-day.

Lambs running back Steven Jackson, meanwhile, said, ``For whatever reason, we get into the red zone, we keep shooting ourselves in the foot." Luckily, that wasn't how QB Sam Bradford suffered his ankle injury.

Meanwhile, Miami Herald columnist Greg Cote quizzed fans on his blog on whether the No. 2 Dolphins (0-5) should throw in the towel for the year. Just under 70% said the Dolphins should keep up the losing so they can draft Stanford's Andrew Luck.

This is known as "the Suck for Luck" movement. It's too soon to tell if it will lead to sit-ins around the nation in quarterback-deprived cities.

As for the No. 6 Philadelphia Dream-Teamers, they've gone from bad to merely mediocre. The DT's edged Washington, 20-13, in a game in which 'Skinned QB Rex Grossman threw four interceptions and showed why the Washington Post's Mike Wise says he has multiple personalities: ``Good Rex, Bad Rex and Train Rex."

Wreck, Record.............Last Loss.............. Next Loss

1. St. Louis (0-5)..................3-24, Bay (Green)..... Dallas

2. Miami (0-5).....................6-24, N.J. Jets............ Denver

3. Indianapolis (0-6).........17-27, Cincinnati......... New Orleans

4. Jacksonville (1-5)..........13-17, Pitts................... Baltimore

5. Dallas (2-3)....................16-20, New England.... St. Louis

6. Philadelphia (2-4); 7. Minnehaha (1-5); 8. Carolina (1-5); 9. Arizona (1-4); 10. Tie between Harbaugh (0-0-1) and Schwartz (0-0-1).

Crummy Game of the Weak: St. Louis (0-5) vs. Dallas (2-3).

Fantasy Flops: Jacksonville QB Blaine Gabbert (12 of 26 for 109 yards, 1 TD), Washington QB Rex Grossman (9 of 22 for 143 yards, 4 interceptions, no TDs), Houston RB Arian Foster (15 carries, 49 yards no TDs).

Turned off: The NFL requires offensive linemen to wear microphones to "enhance" broadcasts. The other day, Baltimore center Matt Birk was fined $5,000 for tearing off his mic after it came loose. Call it the silence of the Ravens.

Still sending...

Not much Zip

By Steve Harvey

(Please remember to silence your cell phones before reading. Thank you.)

The Colleges

Akron went into the weekend bearing the only nickname that signified its number of wins. The Zips were 0-3.

But the pressure of being No. 1 in the Bottom Ten was apparently too much and the Zips defeated VMI, 36-13, to fall to an inglorious No. 13.

That left the top spot open to Oregon State (0-3). The meager Beavers have chalked up impressive losses to Sacramento State and the UCLA Ruins_and the season's only three weeks long.

But don't count out No. 4 New Mexico, which is tied for most games played in the nation (4) and tops in most defeats (4, of course). The Lost Lobos are obviously trying to get their season over as quickly as possible.

Wreck, Record........................ Last Loss.......................... Next Loss

1. Oregon State (0-3)........................19-27, UCLA.............................. Arizona State

2. Indiana (1-3) .................................21-24, North Texas ...................Penn State

3. Western Kentucky (0-3)..............16-44, Indiana State................ Arkansas State

4. New Mexico (0-4) ........................45-48, Sam Houston State ......New Mexico State

5. Memphis (1-3) ................................0-42, SMU (OT)*.....................Middle Tennessee

6. Colorado (1-3) ..............................17-37, Ohio State....................... Washington State

7. Minnesota (1-3).............................24-37, North Dakota State...... Michigan

8. Middle-Aged Miss (1-3)...............13-27, Georgia........................... Fresno State

9. Alabama (Birmingham) (0-3).....23-28, East Carolina................. Troy

10. Miami (Fla.) (1-2)**...................24-28 Kansas State ...................Bethune-Cookman***

*No overtime; just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

**Pending future forfeits.

***If, indeed, there is a Bethune-Cookman.

11. UNLV (1-3) ; 12. Syracuse-Toledo refs (blown call on extra-point attempt enabled Syracuse to win, 33-30); 13. Akron (1-3); 14. Buffalo (1-3); 15. New Mexico State (1-3); 16. Nevada (1-2); 17. B.C. (1-3); 18. San Jose State (1-3); 19. 404_Page Not Found; 20. Colorado (0-3).

Crummy Game of the Week: New Mexico State (1-3) at New Mexico (0-4).

(Annoying pop-up ad goes here, as soon as the Bottom Ten sells one.)

The Pros

The Minnehaha Vikings are the masters of the come-from-ahead loss_the NFL's version of the Boston Red Sox.

The Vikes have blown half-time leads of 10, 17 and 20 points, the latest collapse resulting in a 23-26 loss to mighty Detroit.

So, it's no wonder that Minnehaha is featured in the Crummy Game of the Year (so far) against equally inoffensive Kansas City. The Chefs have given up 109 points in three games, leading to rumors they may abandon their controversial O-O defensive alignment.

Meanwhile, the No. 5 Philadelphia Dream Team suffered another nightmarish loss, 16-29, to the N.J. Giants.

The Giants didn't have to fake any injuries to stop the clock, as they did against St. Louis. But, just to stay in practice against the Dream Teamers, two of their players did faint during the coin-toss.

Wreck, Record ...................Last Loss............. Next Loss

1. Minnehaha (0-3) ....................23-26, Detroit.......... K.C.

2. St. Louis (0-3) ..........................7-37, Baltimore...... Washington

3. Kansas City (0-3) ...................17-20, San Diego...... Minnehaha

4. Boston Red Sox (7-20)*......... 3-4, Baltimore .........Season Over

5. Dream Team (1-2) .................16-29, N.J. Giants..... San Francisco

6. Miami (Fla.) 0-3); 7. Indianapolis (0-3); 8. Atlanta (1-2); 9. Jacksonville (1-2); 10. Cincinnati (1-2).

*Record in September.

Crummy Game of the Week: Kansas City (0-3) vs. Minnehaha (0-3).

Rout of the Week: San Diego (2-1) over Miami (Fla.) (0-3).

Quotebook: Bungles wideout Jerome Simpson, averaging more than 20 years per catch, was detained for questioning in Crestview Hills, Ky., after the delivery of 2 1/2 pounds of marijuana to his house. Quipped Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times in his Sideline Chatter column: ``Here we thought he was a deep threat; turns out he might be a possession receiver."

Talk about a fishy story: Nelson Walker, accused of stealing Dolphins jerseys from a Miami store, showed up for his bail hearing wearing a Dolphins jersey, CBS reported. Walker, who denied the thefts, was asked by the judge about the jersey he was wearing. ``This ain't the one, Your Honor," he said. ``No, m'am. It shows I ain't took no jerseys." Walker, whose resume shows 29 offenses, was held on $5,000 bail.

Fishy story reaction: Why would anyone want a Dolphins (0-3) jersey anyway?