Not much Zip

By Steve Harvey

(Please remember to silence your cell phones before reading. Thank you.)

The Colleges

Akron went into the weekend bearing the only nickname that signified its number of wins. The Zips were 0-3.

But the pressure of being No. 1 in the Bottom Ten was apparently too much and the Zips defeated VMI, 36-13, to fall to an inglorious No. 13.

That left the top spot open to Oregon State (0-3). The meager Beavers have chalked up impressive losses to Sacramento State and the UCLA Ruins_and the season's only three weeks long.

But don't count out No. 4 New Mexico, which is tied for most games played in the nation (4) and tops in most defeats (4, of course). The Lost Lobos are obviously trying to get their season over as quickly as possible.

Wreck, Record........................ Last Loss.......................... Next Loss

1. Oregon State (0-3)........................19-27, UCLA.............................. Arizona State

2. Indiana (1-3) .................................21-24, North Texas ...................Penn State

3. Western Kentucky (0-3)..............16-44, Indiana State................ Arkansas State

4. New Mexico (0-4) ........................45-48, Sam Houston State ......New Mexico State

5. Memphis (1-3) ................................0-42, SMU (OT)*.....................Middle Tennessee

6. Colorado (1-3) ..............................17-37, Ohio State....................... Washington State

7. Minnesota (1-3).............................24-37, North Dakota State...... Michigan

8. Middle-Aged Miss (1-3)...............13-27, Georgia........................... Fresno State

9. Alabama (Birmingham) (0-3).....23-28, East Carolina................. Troy

10. Miami (Fla.) (1-2)**...................24-28 Kansas State ...................Bethune-Cookman***

*No overtime; just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

**Pending future forfeits.

***If, indeed, there is a Bethune-Cookman.

11. UNLV (1-3) ; 12. Syracuse-Toledo refs (blown call on extra-point attempt enabled Syracuse to win, 33-30); 13. Akron (1-3); 14. Buffalo (1-3); 15. New Mexico State (1-3); 16. Nevada (1-2); 17. B.C. (1-3); 18. San Jose State (1-3); 19. 404_Page Not Found; 20. Colorado (0-3).

Crummy Game of the Week: New Mexico State (1-3) at New Mexico (0-4).

(Annoying pop-up ad goes here, as soon as the Bottom Ten sells one.)

The Pros

The Minnehaha Vikings are the masters of the come-from-ahead loss_the NFL's version of the Boston Red Sox.

The Vikes have blown half-time leads of 10, 17 and 20 points, the latest collapse resulting in a 23-26 loss to mighty Detroit.

So, it's no wonder that Minnehaha is featured in the Crummy Game of the Year (so far) against equally inoffensive Kansas City. The Chefs have given up 109 points in three games, leading to rumors they may abandon their controversial O-O defensive alignment.

Meanwhile, the No. 5 Philadelphia Dream Team suffered another nightmarish loss, 16-29, to the N.J. Giants.

The Giants didn't have to fake any injuries to stop the clock, as they did against St. Louis. But, just to stay in practice against the Dream Teamers, two of their players did faint during the coin-toss.

Wreck, Record ...................Last Loss............. Next Loss

1. Minnehaha (0-3) ....................23-26, Detroit.......... K.C.

2. St. Louis (0-3) ..........................7-37, Baltimore...... Washington

3. Kansas City (0-3) ...................17-20, San Diego...... Minnehaha

4. Boston Red Sox (7-20)*......... 3-4, Baltimore .........Season Over

5. Dream Team (1-2) .................16-29, N.J. Giants..... San Francisco

6. Miami (Fla.) 0-3); 7. Indianapolis (0-3); 8. Atlanta (1-2); 9. Jacksonville (1-2); 10. Cincinnati (1-2).

*Record in September.

Crummy Game of the Week: Kansas City (0-3) vs. Minnehaha (0-3).

Rout of the Week: San Diego (2-1) over Miami (Fla.) (0-3).

Quotebook: Bungles wideout Jerome Simpson, averaging more than 20 years per catch, was detained for questioning in Crestview Hills, Ky., after the delivery of 2 1/2 pounds of marijuana to his house. Quipped Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times in his Sideline Chatter column: ``Here we thought he was a deep threat; turns out he might be a possession receiver."

Talk about a fishy story: Nelson Walker, accused of stealing Dolphins jerseys from a Miami store, showed up for his bail hearing wearing a Dolphins jersey, CBS reported. Walker, who denied the thefts, was asked by the judge about the jersey he was wearing. ``This ain't the one, Your Honor," he said. ``No, m'am. It shows I ain't took no jerseys." Walker, whose resume shows 29 offenses, was held on $5,000 bail.

Fishy story reaction: Why would anyone want a Dolphins (0-3) jersey anyway?

The Bottom Ten

by Steve Harvey

2 hours ago

(Or was it 2 minutes ago, or 2 days ago? Time flies so fast these days...)

The Colleges

It brought back memories of 1983, the year those long-time glorious losers, Oregon State and Oregon, played to a 0-0 tie in a game known to locals as the Toilet Bowl.

This time, the meager Beavers fell to 24-point underdog Sacramento State, 28-29. Oregon also did its part, losing to LSU, 27-40, proving that the dead Ducks (see drawing above) haven't spent enough money on recruiting.

In any event, let's have a round of applause for the state of Oregon, which once again took control of the Bottom Ten.

Elsewhere, No. 4 Miami (Fla.), with innumerable players on suspension, signed up some students in the school library but fell to Maryland, 24-32. Miami, by the way, was flagged 10 times for penalties_talk about a lack of institutional control.

The funny little SMUs made their debut at No. 9 after a 14-46 loss to Texas A$M, which, as the Bottom Ten reported exclusively last week, has agreed to join the SEC. (Our apologies to readers, however, for initially saying that the SEC that A&M was joining was the Securities and Exchange Commission, rather than the Southeastern Conference.)

Hanging on in the rankings was No. 20 USC, which, while winning, earned recognition by being held scoreless by inept Minnehaha (0-1) in the second half. But, then, as USC coach Lane Kiffin told reporters afterward, the Trojans have but ``two good players on our offense." How jealous the Oregons must be.

Wreck, Record.....................Last Loss......................................Next Loss

1. Oregon (0-1)....................27-40, LSU...................................Nevada

1. Oregon State (0-1)..........28-29, Sacramento State..........Wisconsin

3. TCU (0-1).........................48-50, Baylor..............................Air Force

4. Miami (Fla.) (0-1).......... 24-32, Maryland.........................Ohio State

5. Notre Dame (0-1)............20-23, South Florida................Michigan

6. Maryland's uniforms......Fashion world ............................New designer

7. William (0-2/3)................3-40, Virginia*...........................VMI

7. Mary (0-1/3)......................3-40, Virginia*...........................VMI

8. Indiana (0-1)...................20-27, Fum-Ball State.................Virginia

9. SMU (0-1)........................14-46, Texas A$M........................Texas at El Batted Down Paso

10. Georgia (0-1).................21-35, Boise State.......................South Carolina

*William and Mary's defense, handled by William, deserved most of blame for loss.

11. Ol' Fogy Miss (0-1); 12. Boston College (0-1); 12. New Mexico (0-1); 13. Duke (0-1); 14. Wide Awake Forest (0-1); 15. Colorado (0-1); 16. Utah State (0-1); 17. Blank (Ohio) (0-1); 18. On assignment; 19. Akron (0-1)**; 20. USC (held scoreless in second half by Minnehaha).

**Was inadvertently favored over Ohio State last week due to computer error. (Too soon to tell if Ohio State will have to forfeit its victory over Akron.)

Rout of the Weak: Wisconsin (1-0) over Oregon State (0-1) (if Oregon State shows up).

How-the-Mighty Have-Fallen Crummy Game of the Week: Notre Dame (0-1) vs. Michigan (0-0).

Quotebook: The National Catholic Register's Matthew Archbold, commenting on the profanity-laced, sidelines outbursts of Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly during the school's 20-23 loss to South Florida:

``I've had setbacks in life but I don't flip out, become so purpled-faced I look like an oompa-loompa, get in peoples faces, curse at them and chase them down so I can curse at them some more. I dont. And, if you ask me, the University of Notre Dame shouldn't allow it either."

Oompa-loompa? It's a character in the Roald Dahl novel, ``Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," who is of small stature, and has an orange complexion and green hair. (Doesn't throw out f-bombs like Kelly does, though.)

Fashion crimes Dept.: ESPN commentator Jay Biler on Maryland's multi-colored, state-flag design jerseys: ``The 1970s Houston Astros have just released a statement that they would not be caught dead in the new Maryland football uniforms."

The Pros

You can imagine the panic in Detroit where the Lions just concluded the exhibition season with a 4-0 record. When they went undefeated in the pre-season in 2008, they finished 0-16 in the regular season. Some backers printed up T-shirts that said, ``2008 Pre-Season Champions," wrote Yahoo's Nick Meyer.

This year the Lions could actually win a few games that count, maybe as many as seven, and should finish no higher in the BT than No. 10.

Some other teams that played way over their heads in the pre-season were San Francisco (2-2) and Seattle (2-2), who will be vying for last place in the NFC West Sunday, and Washington (3-1).

Others whose pre-season records actually made sense were No. 1 Cincinnati (1-3), No. 2 Carolina (1-3), and No. 3 Buffalo (1-3). The entire Cincinnati team, incidentally, is opening the season on the unable-to-perform list.

Then there's No. 8 Oakland (0-4), sentenced to spend another year in Al-catraz.

Elsewhere, New Orleans checked in at No. 9. After all, the Saints' 34-42, opening-day loss to Green Bay made them the losingest team in the NFL (0-1) at present.

Wreck, Pre-Season Record.... Next Loss ......Predicted Won-Loss Record*

1. Cincinnati (1-3) ...................Cleveland.............................1-15

2. Carolina (1-3) ......................Arizona................................2-14

3. Buffalo (1-3)..........................Kansas City........................ 4-12

4. Kansas City (0-4)................ Buffalo.................................4-12

5. Seattle (2-2)......................... San Francisco ....................5-11**

*As calculated by Bottom Ten's 1975 Altair 8800 computer.

**Inadvertent asterisk; please ignore.

6. San Francisco (2-2); 7. Washington (3-1); 8. Oakland (0-4); 9. New Orleans (0-1)***; 10. Detroit (4-0).

***2011 regular-season record.

Regional Crummy Games of the Weak: Midwest---Buffalo (1-3) at Kansas City (0-4); West---Seattle (2-2) at San Francisco (2-2).

Off-Sides! After his fellow Republican Michele Bachmann criticized the federal budget deal agreement with the Democrats, New Jersey Rep. Jon Runyan, a former Philadelphia Eagles offensive tackle, issued a broad warning at a private meeting ``about how a showboat can divide a team, bringing up the notorious loudmouth wide receiver Terrell Owens," the Los Angeles Times reported. Terrell must be proud to know his image transcends football.