End of Season, if not World, Report

By Steve Harvey
Mayan Liaison

Lowlights and weird flights of the 2012 football season:

Colleges

---Murray State Coach Chris Hatcher, asked whether he thought Florida State would finish ranked No. 1, replied: "I'm no procrastinator."

---After Stanford upset USC at home, Fox scoreboard host Erin Andrews exclaimed: "Nobody is going to class tomorrow morning!" She was right for two reasons: "tomorrow morning" fell on a Sunday, and the semester hadn't started yet.

---Savannah State dominated Oklahoma State in the all-important time-of-possession category,  34.13 minutes to just 25.47 minutes.  (However, OSU managed to win, 84-0).

---Washington State coach Mike Leach said that some of his seniors' play was "zombie-like."  A movie is said to be in the works.

---After a 52-0 loss, Arkansas coach John Smith defended his program, saying, "It's our program---it's a state of Alabama program." (Actually, the University of Arkansas is located in the state of Arkansas.)

---Disoriented Arkansas, ranked No. 10 in AP's pre-season Top 25 poll, finished 4-8.

---USC became the first team in almost half a century to be ranked No. 1 by AP before the season began and unranked when the season ended.

---USC's opponent in the Sun Bowl_Georgia Tech (6-7)_was so bad that bowl officials had to get a waiver from the NCAA to allow the selection.

---Kansas Coach Charlie Weis was paid $2.5 million per win, steering the Jayhawks to a 1-11 record.

---Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg said that after Washington state voters legalized marijuana, the University of Washington  "changed its mascot from the Huskies to the Snoop Dogs."

Pros

---Seattle receiver Braylon Edwards was cut by the Seahawks after he characterized the Jets' management as "idiots."  Several days later, Edwards was signed by the Jets.

---The S.I. Jinx: ``Four straight victories---and a sudden calm---suggest that Arizona quarterback Kevin Kolb has finally found his form," Sports Illustrated wrote after the team got off to a 4-0 start. Kolb was then injured and the Cardinals went on a 9-game losing streak.

---...at which point the West Greenway Bible Church in Glendale, Ariz., stepped in with a marquee that said, ``No One is Beyond God's Help_Not Even the Cardinals." (And the Cardinals won.)

---The NFL ruled that Denver linebacker D.J. Williams tried to manipulate a drug test, possibly with non-human urine, leading Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times to write: "So, in addition to his 6-game NFL ban, he's been declared ineligible for next year's Kentucky Derby."

---The Chargers became the first NFL team to lead by 24 or more points at halftime, then lose by double digits (24-35, to Denver).

---Republican VP candidate Paul Ryan visited Browns practice and singled out QB Brandon Weeden for praise. Oops. USA Today reported that, at the time, Ryan was actually "pointing and staring directly at backup Colt McCoy."

---The Browns canceled a promotion in which their fans would have waved flags at the Steelers when someone noticed the flags were white.

---Jacksonville (2-12) and Kansas City (2-12) were declared Bottom Ten champions by Mayan replacement refs.

Cards dealt a disastrous hand

By Steve Harvey
Chess Editor

Colleges

Idle

Pros

``No One Is Beyond God's Help_Not Even the Cardinals," said the marquee at the West Greenway Bible Church in Glendale, Ariz.

Maybe. But there's no other sign that the Cards' 9-game losing streak is coming to an end. Arizona took one step closer to the Bottom Ten title by falling, 0-58, to Seattle. (Hopefully someone asked Seahawks coach Pete Carroll after the slaughter, ``What's your deal?")

The crushing of the Cards was nearly the only bright light in the Bottom Ten. Officials uncovered a conspiracy in which several inept teams _Dallas, San Diego, Philadelphia and Carolina_recorded upset wins.

Next up (or down), the Cards play perennially disappointing Detroit, which drew laughs in the NFL with its official 2013 calendar, featuring wide receiver Titus Young on the cover, Yahoo.com said.

Young, who was accused of insubordination to coaches and sucker-punching one teammate, has been in coach Jim Schwartz' dog house for much of the season (and you know how effective a dog house is at restraining a Lion).
Young was recently put on season-ending injured reserve. It's not clear if he'll even be on the team next year.

Wreck, Record................. Last Drubbing .......Next Drubbing
1. Arizona (4-9)................... 0-58, Seattle........... Detroit
2.  Jacksonville (2-11)....... 10-17, N.J. Jets......... Miami (Fla.)
3. Oakland (3-10).............. 13-26, Denver........... Kansas City
4. Kansas City (2-11).......... 7-30, Cleveland....... Oakland
5. Buffalo (5-8)................. 12-15, St. Louis......... Seattle
6. Detroit (4-9); 7. Tennessee (4-9); 8. Carolina (4-9); 9. New Orleans (5-8); 10. N.J. Jets (6-7).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Kansas City (2-11) at Oakland (3-10).

Rout of the Week: Stanford Routt, Houston cornerback (You don't believe me? Google him).

Special Citation: The Associated Press reports that Philadelphia comic Joe Conklin and his daughter Casey have paid tribute to  Eagles coach Andy Reid with a video parody of Taylor Swift's song, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together." Title of the parody: "We Are Never Ever Gonna Win With Andy."

Bowls and bowls of nonentities!

By Steve Harvey
Chief Copy Editro

Bowls

"An Event Like No Other," bragged a brochure handed out to the media by Sun Bowl officials earlier this year.

It's true. The Sun Bowl is the only post-season classic that had to file for a waiver to get permission to invite a team to play in this year's game. That's because the team_Georgia Tech_actually lost more  games than it won.

No wonder 6-7 Tech is known as the Ramblin' Wreck.

Its opponent is USC (7-5), which also has a distinction, being the first team in 48 years to start the season ranked No. 1 and end the season unranked.

Other exciting bowls include the Minnesota-Texas Tech match, which will answer the age-old question: How would a Big Ten team ranking 7th in the conference in victories do against a team that tied for 4th place in the Big 12?

In the Little Caesars Pizza bowl, it's Central Michigan against Western Pepperoni.

Louisiana-Monroe (8-4) and Ohio (8-4) clash in the Independence Bowl, which has lost much of its luster since it was the Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl.

Finally, Liberty Bowl rivals Iowa State 6-6) and Tulsa (10-3) are rated even, reportedly because the teams are so obscure no one has the slightest idea which will win.

 Bowls..............................Duds
1. Sun.............................. Georgia Tech (6-7) vs. USC (7-5)
2. BBVA Compass ..........Pitt (6-6) vs. Ole Miss (6-6)
3. Little Caesars Pizza...... Central Michigan (6-6) vs. Western Pepperoni (7-5)
4. Belk*............................ Duke (6-6) vs. Cincinnati (9-3)
5. Meineke Car Care........ Minnesota (6-6) vs. Texas Tech (7-5)
6. Pinstripe ........................Syracuse (7-5) vs. West Virginia (7-5)
7. Independence................ La. Monroe (8-4) vs. Ohio (8-4).
8. Woes Bowl ...................Stanford (11-2) vs. Wisconsin (8-5)
9. Go-Daddy.com**..........Kent State (11-2) vs. Arkansas State (9-3).
10. Buffalo Wild Wings.... Michigan State (6-6) vs. TCU (7-5).
*Belk is a department store chain. Or maybe it's Duke that's the department store chain.

**Among those disinterested in the Go-Daddy bowl are the Kent State and Arkansas State coaches, both of whom resigned their positions.

At least he didn't get the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl: The Aug. 20 cover of Sports Illustrated (see below) said that USC quarterback Matt Barkley had decided to stick around for his senior year with one goal in mind. (And it wasn't the Sun Bowl, either.)

Semi-Pros

The No. 6 N.J. Jets had just managed to nip No. 1 Arizona (4-8) when unemployed receiver Braylon Edwards decided it was time to speak up for the Gang Green. "Don't blame (QB Mark) Sanchez (for the team's troubles)," he tweeted. "I played there. Blame the idiots calling the shots."

Edwards later apologized but the Jets were also slammed by Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nev.), who said that Jets coach Rex Ryan "can't decide who their quarterback is going to be. That's the same problem the Republicans are having."

Reid no doubt was having a bit of fun at the expense of Jets owner Woody Johnson, who said earlier he'd rather that Mitt Romney had a winning year than the Jets.

Anyway, imagine what would be said if the Jets had lost!

Outside the Beltway, Arizona and Philadelphia each stretched their losing streaks to 8 games. Jacksonville (2-10) fell to No. 8 in the ratings but could bounce back nicely with a loss to the Jets and their quarterback, who ever it may be by the fourth quarter.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss.................. Next Loss
1. Arizona (4-8)........... 6-7, N.J. Jets.............. Seattle
2. Oakland (3-9)........ 17-20, Cleveland......... Denver
3. Philadelphia (3-9)....33-38, Dallas.............. Tampa Bay
4. Carolina (3-9)......... 21-27, Kansas City..... Atlanta
5. Kansas City (2-10).. Def. Carolina, 27-21...Cleveland
6. N.J. Jets (5-7); 7. San Diego (4-8);  8. Jacksonville (2-10); 9. Detroit (4-8); 10. Cleveland (4-8).

Fantasy Flops: New Orleans QB Drew Brees threw five interceptions vs. Atlanta but the figure was misleading. He actually could have had six passes picked but one was erased because of a penalty.

 

Southern Miss Doesn't Miss

By Steve Harvey
NHL All-Star Game Coordinator


Colleges

With schools playing longer schedules than ever, it's more difficult to go winless these days. But Ole Southern Miss (0-12) pulled off the trick, winning the Bottom Ten championship trophy,  a cheddar cheese sculpture of Ryan Leaf fumbling.

The Golden Beagles, who suffered their worst season since 1925,  finished with a flourish, dropping a 24-43 decision to Memphis, an 8-time loser.

Massachusetts (1-11), a mid-season Bottom Ten leader, finished third, its season ruined by an earlier 22-14 victory over No. 2 Akron (1-11).

Dishonorable mention went to No. 6 Auburn. Though the winner of 3 games, the school did achieve the worst downfall within two years of winning a national title of any school since the Associated Press Top Ten poll started in 1936. Memories.


Wreck, Record................... Last Loss................ Bowl Invite?
1. Ole So. Miss (0-12)......... 24-42, Memphis....... None
2. Akron (1-11)................... 23-35, Toledo........... Uh Uh
3. Ole Mass (1-11) ..............21-42, Central Mich.. No chance
4. Kansas (1-10).................. Idle............................ Huh?
5. Colorado (1-11)............... 35-42, Utah............... You kidding?
6. Auburn (3-9).................... 0-49, Alabama.......... Yeah, sure
7. New Mex St (1-10)........ 14-50, BYU................ No way
8. Fightin' Ill (2-10)............ 14-50, Northwestern... Hah hah
9. Idaho (1-11).................... 9-45, Utah State........ Say what?
10. E. Michigan (2-10) ........7-49, N. Ill..................Nah
11. Arkansas (4-8); 12. Kentucky (2-10); 13. UNLV (2-11); 14. Texas at El I've Run Out of Jokes Paso (3-9); 15. B.C. (2-10); 16. Southern Florida (3-8); 17. Tulane (2-10); 18. Disappeared on Black Friday; 19. Hawaii (2-9); 20. Cal (3-8).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Idle.

Rout of the Weak: Idle.

Semi-Pros

Perhaps because Cleveland had lost 16 of its last 17 games against Pittsburgh, the team's front office announced it would be handing out white flags at last weekend's game against the Steelers. No, the Browns braintrust actually thought the flags were something the fans "could rally around."

 The promotion was finally canceled after someone pointed out that white flags are, duh, a symbol of surrender.  The Browns had never thought of handing out BROWN flags, apparently.

And then, wonder of wonders, Cleveland went out and beat the Steelers, 20-14, anyway. Of course the Pitts were using Charlie Batch, their 17th string QB, but let's not quibble.

Just as shocking, Jacksonville knocked off Tennessee, 24-19, and the Jaguars can now say that they have twice as many wins as someone---hopeless Kansas City (1-9).

The day wasn't a total loss for the No. 1 Chefs. Running back Jamaal Charles managed to snare Denver QB Peyton Manning's autograph on the field after the game. Manning didn't ask for his.

The wily NFL knows a thing or two about scheduling crucial games late in the season. This Sunday, each team in the Bottom Ten plays another member of the BT,  the marquee match being Dallas (5-6) vs. Philadelphia (3-8). Whether  coaches Andy Reid (Philadelphia) and Jason Garrett (Dallas) still have their jobs at kickoff will be game-time decisions.

Wreck, Record............. Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. Kansas City (1-10)..... 9-17, Denver............ Carolina
2. N.J. Jets (4-7) ...........19-49, New England.. Arizona
3. Philadelphia (3-8)..... 22-30, Carolina.......... Dallas
4. Oakland (3-8)........... 10-34, Cincinnati....... Cleveland
5. Arizona (4-7)............ 17-31, St. Louis......... N.J. Jets
6. Jacksonville (2-9); 7. Buffalo (4-7); 8. Cleveland (3-8); 9. Carolina (3-8); 10. Dallas (5-6)

Special Citations: The Raiders and Bungles committed a total of four penalties between two plays in their game. Two of the Raiders were ejected from the game.

Streak of the Year: Carolina is 0-12 on coin tosses (including one in overtime). What are the odds of that happening? The Bottom Ten's Univac computer says better than 2 to 1.

Turkeys on the Gridiron

By Steve Harvey
Pro Hockey Editor

How the Mighty Fell

We interrupt coverage of the Bottom Ten race to bring you the results of the Biggest Flops of the Year competition, honoring highly-touted teams that have fallen the furthest in the rankings.

The biggest flop was Arkansas, which was ranked No. 10 in AP's pre-season Top 25 off its 2011 record of 11-2. The Razorbacks have since sunk to 4-7 and departed from the AP poll. (Arkansas is No. 64 in the Sagarin ratings.)

Others who took impressive nose-dives include USC (7-4), which has gone from No. 1 to No. 30, and Little Ten conference member Wisconsin (7-4), which dropped from No. 12 preseason to No. 35.

In a related study---the Most Overpaid College Coach competition---USA Today found that Kansas (1-10) coach Charlie Weis was paid $2.5 million this year (meaning he received $2.5 million per win, according to calculations by the Bottom Ten's sophisticated Univac computers).

Others in this category include Cal coach Jeff Tedford, who received a $2.6 million salary that produced 3 wins; Colorado's Jon Embree, paid $725,000 for one win; and Southern Miss' Ellis Johnson, paid $790,000 and winless.

Wreck, Record.............. PreSeason AP Rank..Current AP Rank*
1. Arkansas (4-7).............No. 10............................Unranked
2. West Virginia (5-5)..... No. 11........................... Unranked
3. Michigan St (5-6)........ No. 13........................... Unranked
4. Virginia Tech (5-6)..... No. 24........................... Unranked
5. USC (7-4)................... No. 1............................. No. 30
6. TCU (6-4)................... No. 20........................... No. 39
7. Wisconsin (7-4)........... No. 12........................... No. 35
8. Michigan (8-3)............ No. 8............................. No. 20
9. Oklahoma (8-2)........... No. 4 .............................No. 14
*Only 40 schools received votes


Crummy Game of the Weak: Southern Ole Miss (0-11) vs. Memphis (3-8).

Semi-Pros

While the Kansas City Chefs (1-9) and Jack (1-9) stayed atop the Bottom Ten, Cleveland (2-8)   signaled that it's by no means out of the race.

The Browns are now under the ownership of truck-stop magnate Jimmy Haslam III, a perfect fit for the team. A Browns game is a comfy place to take a nap.

The Raiders, meanwhile, have a decade of reverse momentum on their side. With their next loss Oakland (3-7) will mark its 10th straight year without a winning record. Hence the Raiders' new motto: "Commitment to Extinction."

Worst Coach of the Week honors went to Bill Belichick of New England, who left star tight end Rob Gronkowski in the game for a pointless point-after-touchdown---the Pats' 59th and last point in a 59-24 romp. Gronkowski suffered a broken arm on the play.

Explained Belichick afterward, "I don't think there are any quicker ways to lose a game than getting a kick blocked and run back for a touchdown."

Uh, Coach, you can't run a point-after-touchdown back for a touchdown. And even if you could, you were ahead by 34 points with 3:55 left to play.

Wreck, Record.................. Last Loss....................... Next Loss
1. (Tie) Kansas City (1-9)... 6-28, Cincinnati ..............Denver
1. Jack (1-9)...................... 37-43, Houston................. Tennessee
3. Cleveland (2-8) .............20-23, Dallas......................The Pitts
4. Oakland (3-7)................ 17-38, New Orleans .........Cincinnati
5. Carolina (2-8)................ 21-27, Tampa Bay (OT) ...Philadelphia
6. Philadelphia (3-7); 7. Arizona (4-6); 8. St. Louis (3-6-1); 9. San Diego (4-6); 10. N.J. Jets (4-6).

Crummy Game of the Weekend: Carolina (2-8) vs. Philadelphia (3-7).

Turkey of the Week: Houston (9-1) vs. Detroit (4-6)* on Thanksgiving (certainly not a banquet that viewers will give thanks for).
*Lions have 1-10 record on Thanksgiving since 2001.

Southern Miss, last of the Unwon

By Steve Harvey

Gardening Editor

Colleges

Don't discount Akron's chances of winning the Bottom Ten title. The bargain university (1-10) became the first team to lose to Ole Mass this year, ascending to No. 2 in the ratings.

And Akron could move higher because No. 1 Southern Miss (0 for the season) next plays the University of El Deflated Paso (2-8).

No. 10 Washington State, described as "zombies" by coach Mike Leach a few weeks ago, fell behind UCLA, 7-37, but rallied in the second half before losing, 36-44.  Arose from the dead, you might say.

In Las Vegas, meanwhile, 21 has become a special number both for gamblers and for No 11 UNLV. The football team registered its 21st straight road loss, 11-33 to Colorado State.

Elsewhere, making a late-season bid for membership in the Bottom Ten, Weak Forest (5-5) fell to North Carolina State, 6-37, while the Whittier Poets, dropped a 40-63 decision to Redlands. Whittier does, however, have the most bloodcurdling athletic slogan in NCAA football (see below).

Wreck, Record............. Last Loss................... Next Loss
1. So Miss (0-10)............. 6-34, SMU............... UTEP
2. Akron (1-10).............. 14-22, Ole Mass......... Toledo
3. Kentucky (1-9)........... Idle............................. Samford
4. Kansas (1-9)............... 34-41, Texas Tech...... Iowa St
5. Colorado (1-9)............ 31-56, Arizona........... Washington
6. Hawaii (1-8)............... 14-49, Boise St........... Air Force
7. New Mexico St (1-9).... 7-47, San Jose St...... BYU
8. Auburning (2-8)............ 0-38, Georgia ...........Alabama A&M
9. Ill (2-8).......................... 3-17, Minnesota....... Purdon't
10. Washington St (2-8).. 36-44, UCLA............ Arizona St
11. UNLV (2-9); 12. UTEP (2-8); 13. BC (2-8); 14. S. Florida (3-6); 15. Temple (3-6); 16. Cal (3-8); 17. New Mexico (4-7); 18. Gone skiing; 19. Memphis (2-8); 20 Electoral College (stuck in Arizona).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Southern Miss (0-10) vs. UTEP (2-8).

Rout of the Weak: BYU (6-4) over New Mexico State (1-9).

The Semi-Pros

Well, it was bound to happen, sooner or later. The Kansas City Chefs actually held a lead in regulation for the first time since New Year's Day (their lone victory this season was achieved in overtime).

The Chefs led the Pitts, 10-0, but this game also went into overtime, and Kansas City managed to fall, 13-16. The Chefs lost even though Pitts QB Ben Roethlisberger was knocked out of action, one of dozens of QBs who were kayoed last weekend. Expect Vinnie Interceptaverde to make a comeback any day, now.

K.C. and Jack, the NFL's only one-hit wonders, maintained their lead over the New Jersey Jets (3-6), the Phil-less Lakers (3-5) and the 'iego Chargers (4-5) (there is no "D" in San Diego).

Elsewhere, Rex Ryan, coach of the 3-6 Jets, said the team had a 2% chance of making the playoffs. When is Ryan going to stop making these wild predictions?

Meanwhile, ESPN reported that high-powered political figures are trying to persuade No. 7 Carolina (2-7) to move to L.A. One L.A. official called the report "misleading at best, inaccurate at worst." And, totally frightening for L.A. fans.

The No. 10 Miami Dolphins suffered a 34-point loss, still shaken by the announcement by Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria that he would be dumping a half dozen of the Dolphins' best players.  Loria was later informed he could only tear apart his own team.

 Wreck, Record........... Last Loss................ Next Loss

1. Kansas City (1-7)..... 13-16, The Pitts........ Cincinnati

2. Jacksonville (1-8)..... 10-27, Indianapolis... Houston

3. N.J. Jets (3-6)............. 7-28, Seattle............ St. Louis

4. L.A. Lakers (3-5)..... 82-84, San Antonio... Phoenix

5. San Diego (4-5)....... 24-34, Grampa Bay... Denver

 6. Oakland (3-6); 7. Carolina (2-7); 8. Dallas (4-5); 9. Philadelphia (3-6); 10. St. Louis (3-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: N.J. Jets (3-6) vs. St. Louis (3-6).

Rout of the Weak: Houston (8-1) vs. Jacksonville (1-8).

Off Sides! Aside from losing a game on Monday, Washington coach Mike Shanahan had about $3,700 and a passport stolen out of his locker. Of course, the opponent was the Stealers.

Another accusation against Lane Kiffin? From a recent New York Times (see below):

------------------------------------------------------------

Talk about a brief honeymoon: Bears fans Jay Gottred and Kalli Jacobson, clad in team gear, stood in the back of a pickup truck and took their marriage vows at a tailgate party at Soldiers Field. Alas,  the Bears presented them with a 6-13 loss to Houston and QB Jay Cutler was knocked out of action. A rude wedding reception indeed.

Bottom Ten: The semi-fInal returns are in

By Steve Harvey
Junior Executive
3 Likes, 989 Dislikes

Colleges

The experts agree: The Bottom Ten race is still too close to call.

While it's true that co-leader Ole Southern Miss is 0-9, and you can't get much worse than that, the school does have three (gulp) winnable games left---against the Funny Little SMUs (4-5), Texas at El Hail Mary Paso (2-7) and Memphis (1-8).

Miss did, however, manage to take care of one obstacle, losing 19-27 to UAB (meaning of initials not certain), which was a 1-7 flowerhouse.

Meanwhile, co-leader Ole Mass (0-9), showed what it isn't made of, dropping a 0-63 nail-biter to Northern Ill. But Mass also has must-lose games left against three pushovers---Akron (1-9), Buffalo (2-7) and Central Michigan (3-6).

In any event, you can say this about Mass and S. Miss---right now, they're the L.A. Lakers of NCAA football.

Electoral College's results were incomplete.

Wreck, Record............. Last Loss............. Next Loss
1. Ole S Miss (0-9)........ 19-27, UAB.......... SMU
1. Ole Mass (0-9)............ 0-63, N Ill............ Akron
3. Akron (1-9)................ 24-35, Kent St....... Ole Mass
4. Memphis (1-8)........... 28-38, Marshall..... Tulane
5. Colorado (1-8)............. 0-48, Stanford..... Arizona
6. L.A. Lakers (1-4)....... 86-95, Utah........... Golden St
7. Kentucky (1-9)............. 0-40, Vanderbilt.. Samford
8. Kansas (1-8)............... 14-41, Baylor........ Texas Tech
9. Idaho St (1-8) .............10-50, N Arizona ..Cal Poly
10. Colorado St (2-7*)... 31-45, Wyoming UTEP
11. Washington St (2-7); 12. Auburning (2-7); 13. Boston College (2-7); 14. Virginia (3-6); 15. UNLV (2-8); 16. Cal (3-7); 17. So. Florida (3-6); 18. In line to vote in Florida; 19. Buffalo (2-7); 20. Electoral College (?).

*One of Colorado State's victories was over Colorado.

Crummy Game of the Weak: Ole Mass (0-9) vs. Akron (1-9).

Rout of the Weak: Arizona (5-4) over Colorado (1-8).

S.I. Jinx at Work? The Aug. 20 issue of Sports Illustrated devoted its cover to USC QB Matt Barkley and his decision to return for his senior year. At the time, USC was ranked in the top five in the nation. But after three deflating losses, with more conceivable defeats to UCLA and/or Notre Dame coming up, the Trojans may wind up right in the dud bowl game that S.I. had joked about (see below).


The Semi-Pros

Parity? Schmerity. Not in the NFL. There are tons of losers, fortunately for the Bottom Ten.

Jacksonville (1-7), Kansas City (1-7) and Arizona (4-5) are riding the crest of 5-game losing streaks. Philadelphia (3-5) has dropped its last 4 and Washington (3-6) its last 3. Buffalo (3-5) and Dallas (3-5) have come up short in four of their last 5 games.

Arizona was doing fine until cruel Sports Illustrated inflicted the S.I. Jinx after the fourth week of the season. "Four straight victories---and a sudden calm---suggest that Arizona quarterback Kevin Kolb has finally found his form," the magazine wrote. Whoops! Lost that form. Where is that form?

Trying to stem the losing, the NFL gave byes this week to Arizona, Cleveland (2-7) and Washington.

Speaking of idle, unemployed wide receiver Plaxico Burress was stopped for driving 125 m.p.h. but the ticket was thrown out because the officer cited the wrong law in the paperwork. "This is a great deal for Plax," mused Yahoo's Jay Busbee, "but a problem for the rest of us trying to beat---er, take a closer look at---our speeding tickets." The authorities are "going to pay a lot more attention to the bureaucratic details now."

Wreck, Record........ Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. K.C. (1-7) .............13-31, San Diego...... The Pitts
2. Jack (1-7).............. 14-31, Detroit............ Indy
3. Arizona (4-5)........ 17-31, Green Bay...... Bye
4. Cleveland (2-7)..... 15-25, Baltimore.........Bye
5. NHL...................... Bye Bye.....................Bye Bye*
6. Washington (3-6); 7. Buffalo (3-5); 8. Dallas (3-5); 9. Philadelphia (3-5), 10. N.J. Jets (3-5).

*Which is what sports fans are saying to the NHL: Bye, bye.

Monday Night Rout of Year: Kansas City (1-7) vs. the Pitts (5-3)

Crummy Game of the Weak: Dallas (3-5) vs. Philadelphia (3-5.

Dishonorable Mentions:  The Sporting News asked NFL players who the most overrated coaches were. Top three vote-getters: Rex ("Sanchez is my starting quarterback") Ryan of the Jets, Bill Belichick (New England) and Andy Reid (Philadelphia).

He had it first: Last weekend, Neil King tweeted, ``Whenever the Redskins lose on the last Sunday before a presidential election, one of the two parties' nominees, loses, too. Always." Uncanny.

Halloween horrors, football-style

By Steve Harvey
Hiring and Development


Colleges

As its 0-8 record illustrates, Ole So. Miss has been suffering from a hyper-extended losing streak.

That could change Saturday when the school plays more-or-less-equally inept UAB (1-7) in one of the smallest games of the year. For the unfortunate team that wins, it will be a case of wait-until-next-year as far as winning the Bottom Ten title goes.

But the loser will challenge the vanishing Buffaloes of Colorado for No. 1.

When examining the scores of So. Miss and UAB_research that the Bottom Ten normally doesn't bother to do_it's not clear whether either even takes the field on defense. UAB gave up 55 points in its last game while So. Miss surrendered an average of 47 in its last three.

With the end of the season approaching, the two teams really appear to be  coming apart at an ideal time.

Electoral College, idle since 2008, had still another bye.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss......................... Next Loss
1. Colorado (1-7)......... 14-70, Oregon................... Stanford
2. Ole So. Miss (0-8)....17-44, Rice........................ UAB
3. UAB (1-7)............... 45-55, Tulane ................... So. Miss
4. Ole Mass (0-8)........... 7-49, Vanderbilt ..............N. Ill
5. L.A. Lakers (0-2)......106-116, Portland...............Clippers
6. Kentucky (1-8)......... 10-33, Missouri................. Vanderbilt
7. Auburning (1-7)........ 21-63, Texas A$M........... New Mexico St
8. UNLV (1-8).............. 13-24, San Diego State ....New Mexico
9. Ill (2-6)...................... 17-31, Indiana.................. Ohio State
10. Akron (1-8) .............14-35, Central Michigan Kent St
11. S. Florida (2-6); 12 Washington St. (2-7); 13. Wyoming (1-7); 14. Kentucky (1-7); 15. Virginia (2-6); 16. Buffalo (1-7); 17. Memphis (1-7); 18. Declined to state; 19. Hawaii (1-6); 20. Purdon't (3-5).

Others (not necessarily in alaphabetical order) : Electoral College (0-0).

Crummy Game of the Weak: UAB (1-7) vs. So. Ole Miss (0-8).

Rout of the Weak: Ohio State (record censored by NCAA) vs. Illinois (2-6).

Quotebook: Oregon running back Kenjon Barner, on the ballet class he's taking: "I was worried I was going to have to wear tights. I'm not a tights guy. But we wear shorts."

Dishonorable Mention: USC leads the nation in penalties, averaging 10.3 per game. Their head coach pulls questionable tricks, like having teammates swap jerseys to fool the other team.  Are they becoming the NCAA version of a pro team with a notorious reputation? Should they be renamed the USC Traiders?

Semi-Pros

When Carolina gets ahead in a game, its opponent just yawns and its fans become nervous. For the 10th time in the last two years, the Panters blew a halftime lead, this time 22-23, to Chicago.

No. 9 Arizona, on the other hand, looked hopeless from the opening bell against San Francisco. The Cardinals chalked up their fourth straight loss by showcasing one of the league's worst running games. They rambled for 7 yards against the 49ers_not on one play; that was their total. It was the least yards gained rushing for the Cards since 1953.

No. 7 Washington had no chance against the Pitts, either. To make matters worse, coach Mike Shanahan of the Skins (3-5) sent QB Robert Griffin III out for a pass on an incredible trick play (incredible for its stupidity) only to see Griffin suffer a concussion on a bone-jarring collision. Not only that, but Griffin was called for offensive pass interference, possibly the first quarterback ever to achieve that distinction.

Kansas City fell to No. 2 but  the Chefs at least kept their streak alive of never having led a game in regulation play this season (their only win came in overtime).

Wreck, Record .........Last Loss............... Next Loss
1. Carolina (1-6)......... 22-23, Chicago....... Washington
2. Kansas City (1-6)... 16-26, Oakland....... San Diego
3. Jack (1-6) ................15-24, Green Bay... Detroit
4. Tigers (0-4)............. 3-4, S.F. Giants.......Toast
5. Jets (3-5).................. 9-30 Miami .............Idle
6. Philadelphia (3-4); 7. Washington (3-5); 8. San Diego (3-4); 9.  Arizona (4-4); 10. Oakland (3-4).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Carolina (1-6) vs. Washington (3-5).

Quotebook: John Dorenbos, the No. 6 Eagles' long snapper, is an adept amateur magician who entertains teammates with his tricks. But, asked USA Today, "Can he make (quarterback Michael) Vick's turnover problem disappear?"

Bottom Ten: It doesn't get any worse than this!

By Steve Harvey
Bottom Ten Content Editor

The Colleges

Colorado has had a rough time adapting to its new conference, the Pac-11 1/2.

First, there were the hard feelings over the NCAA's ruling that the vanishing Buffaloes constitute only half a team.

Then there were the game results, the latest of which was the 6-50 loss to USC.

And the insults, such as Trojans coach Lane Kiffin having a reserve quarterback take the field wearing the uniform of a kicker on one 2-point conversion attempt. An ensuing run failed, meaning the Trojans won by just 44 points, not 46. (USC officials denied that Kiffin originally planned to dress up his team in Caltech uniforms for the game to make Colorado overconfident.)

If the season were to end today, the Buffaloes would face Auburning (1-6) in the Bowl Chump Series (BCS), assuming that a sponsor can be found..

Sites bidding for the honor reportedly include Flushing Meadows, N.Y.; the Bonneville Salt Flats; and the famed Irwindale Gravel Pit (a former bidder for the Raiders). In the event that none of the three work out, a Bottom Ten spokesman said the game could be played at any high school in the nation that wasn't using its field that day.

Wreck, Record.................. Last Loss Next Loss
1. Colorado (1-6).................6-50, USC................. Oregon (!)
2. Auburning (1-6)........... 13-17, Vanderbilt ........Texas A$M
3. L.A. Lakers (0-7)...........91-97, LA Clips..........Sacto Kings
4.  Kentucky (1-7)............ 24-29, Georgia............ Missouri
5. Mass (0-7)..................... .0-24, Bowling Green. Vanderbilt
6. UNLV (1-7).................. 7-24, Boise State........ San Diego State
7. Kansas (1-6) ..................7-52, Oklahoma.......... Texas
8. BC (1-6)...................... 17-37, Georgia Tek....... Wake
9. Ill (2-5)......................... Recovering.................... Indiana
10. Idaho (1-7) .................28-70, Louisiana Tech... Idle

11. South Florida (2-5); 12. Washington State (2-6); 13. Wyoming (1-6); 14. Tulane (1-6); 15. South Florida (2-5); 16. Akron (1-7); 17. New Mexico State (1-6); 18. Studying abroad this semester; 19. Central Michigan (2-5); 20. Electoral College (0-0).

Rout of the Century (well, it is only 2012): Oregon (7-0) vs. Colorado (1-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Ill (2-5) vs. Indiana (2-5).

The Pros

The Kansas City Chefs are the only team in the NFL that have not led an opponent for a single moment of regulation play. (The Chefs' only win came in overtime when they edged New Orleans in overtime, 27-24.)

Kansas City's streak could come to an end this week because it's playing Oakland (2-4). Then again, the Chefs are starting QB Brady Quinn.

The Chefs have benched Matt Cassel in what has been a subpar year for ex-USC signal-callers. The teams quarerbacked by Cassel, Mark Sanchez (Jets) and Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart have a combined 6-13 record.

Elsewhere, the NFL, so shocked that San Diego has only lost three games, has accused the team of using an illegal substance. Coach Norv Turner, speaking on behalf of every Charger employee, said: "Nobody in this organization has used Stickum."

Oh, yeah? Well then how else could Turner have stuck with San Diego this long?

Wreck, Record........................ Last Loss.............. Next Loss
1. Kansas City (1-5).................. Idle........................ Oakland
2. (Tie) St. Louis Cards (3-4)... 0-9, S.F. Giants...... Done, Toast
2. Arizona Cards (4-3).............. 14-21, Minnesota... S.F. 49ers
4 Jacksonville (1-5).................. 23-26 (OT)............. Oakland
5. Carolina (1-5)....................... 14-19, Dallas.......... Chicago
6. Oakland (2-4); 7. Cleveland (1-6); 8. N.J. Jets (3-4); Grampa Bay (2-4); 10. San Diego (3-3).
Crummy Game of the Week: Oakland (2-4) vs. Kansas City (1-5).

Quotebook: "Ndamukong Suh is this close to pulling people's heads off," said talk show host Colin Cowherd after Suh body-slammed Bears QB Jay Cutler to the ground.

Transactions: ACTRESS EVA LONGORIA---Put N.J. Jets QB Mark Sanchez on waivers as her boyfriend, the New York Post reported. (Does she have her eye on Tebow?)

The Bottom Ten: This is Spores Center!

By Steve Harvey

Bottom Ten Anchorman  

(Please silence cell phones before you begin reading.)

The Colleges

Sure, USC is out of contention for the BCS title. But another  Pac-12 team---Colorado---has a good shot at the Bottom Ten championship.

The Vanishing Buffaloes (1-5) just vaulted to the top with a 17-51 loss to Arizona State.  As befits their name, the Sun Devils dominated Colorado in the all-important category of demonic possession.

Colorado, after some near-wins early in the season against  Colorado State and Sacramento State, now seems poised to roll under Pac-12 teams in their final six games.

In other Pac-12 news, after Washington State coach Mike Leach accused some of his seniors of being "zombie-like" with "an empty-corpse quality," the team went out and lost to Cal, 17-31. The Cougars did exhibit a do-or-die attitude, though.

This weekend, No. 13 Tulane (1-5) travels to No. 8 UTEP (1-6) for a game in which the noise factor---that is, the lack-of-noise factor---is expected to be critical, judging from the lack of interest of fans. Tulane staff members have been instructed to whisper during practice and traffic has been blocked off around the stadium so the team can accustom itself to playing in the deafening silence.

Elsewhere, No. 6 Electoral College (0-0) had a bye, as it awaits its big match in November.

Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss............... Next Loss*

1. Kentucky (1-6).............. 7-49, Arkansas..... Georgia

2. Colorado (1-5) ............17-51, Arizona St....USC
3. Auburning (1-5).......... 20-41, Ole Miss...... Vanderbilt

4. Mass (0-6)................... Bye .........................Bowling (Green)

5. E. Michigan (0-6)........ 47-52, Toledo ........Army

6. Electoral College (0-0).. Idle...................... Idle
7. Ill (2-5) ...........................0-45, Michigan.... Idle

 8. UTEP (1-6)................. 11-33, Tulsa.......... Tulane
9. UNLV (1-6)................. 37-42, Nevada....... Boise St

10. Washingon State (2-5) 17-31, Cal............. Stanford

11. Akron (2-6); 12. SMU (2-4); 13. Tulane (1-5); 4. Wyoming (1-5); 15. So. Fla. (2-4); 16. Syracuse (2-4); 17. Pitt (2-4); 18. Vacationing; 19. Georgia Tek (2-4); 20. Texas (1-2 in conference).

*Statistics, in some cases, are estimates.

Rout of the Weak: UNLV (1-6) vs. Boise State (5-1) (game is rated PG; children can attend only with parents' written permission).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Tulane (1-5) at UTEP (1-6).

The Pros

True, the Raiders came close to defeating heavily-favored Atlanta over the weekend but, alas, the Bottom Ten's primitive computers do not take margin of defeat or quality of opponent into account. For that, and other bad reasons, the Raiders took over the Bottom Ten.

Next up they play No. 2 Jacksonville, which has shunned a no-huddle offense in favor of a no-offense-at-all approach.

The past week marked another milestone for the No. 5 Chargers, who set an NFL record in their 24-35 loss to Denver. The New York Times reported that the Chargers, quarterbacked by Old Man Rivers, became the first team to lead by 24 or more points at halftime, then lose by double digits.

Elsewhere, coach Andy Reid of No. 9 Philadelphia, saddled with the most turnover-prone quarterback in the NFL (Michael Vick), took the logical step and fired his defensive coordinator.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss................Next Loss
1. Oakland (1-4) ..........20-23 Atlanta........... Jacksonville
2. Jacksonville (1-4)..... Idle.......................... Oakland
3. Kansas City (1-5).... 10-38, Grampa Bay.. Idle
4. Dallas (2-3) .............29-31, Baltimore .......Carolina
5. San Diego (3-3) .......24-35, P Manning.....Bye*
6. Cleveland (1-5); 7. Carolina (1-4); 8. New Orleans (1-4); 9. Philadelphia (3-3); 10. Old England (3-3).

*San Diego's bye began at halftime of Denver game when Chargers led, 24-0.

Crummy Game of the Year: Jacksonville (1-4) vs. Oakland (1-4).

Fantasy flops: SD QB Rivers (25 of 41 pass attempts, 242 yards with 4 ints); Miami RB R. Bush (12 carries for 17 yards); Houston RB A. Foster (17 carries for 29 yards).

Those Dominant Passing Machines: The five top passers, yardage-wise, last weekend were Brady (NE) (395 yards), Dalton (Cincy) (381), Roeth. (Pitts) (363), Palmer (Raiders) (353), and Ponder (Minnie) (352). All lost.

His NFL knowledge is debatable: Paul Ryan, the Republican veep candidate, visited Browns practice and heaped praise on QB Brandon Weeden. The only problem, reported USA Today, was that, as he spoke, he was "pointing and staring directly at backup Colt McCoy," who lost his job to Weeden.

Trick-or-Treat Ball

By Steve Harvey

Bottom Ten Travel Writer  

(Warning: This is a nonsmoking column.)

Colleges

Well, football folks are certainly getting into the Halloween spirit.

First, coach Mike Leach of No. 8 Washington State (2-4) observed that some of his seniors are "zombie-like," just going "through the motions...some of them quite honestly have an empty-corpse quality."

And, in fact, the NCAA is said to be investigating whether one of Leach's offensive lineman is a zombie who has played for the team since the mid-1920s, an 88th year senior. This might explain why he's always swaddled in tape.

Second, the wife of coach Gene Chizik of Bottom Ten leader Auburned (1-4) declared on her Facebook page that "we have fans all over the U.S, and I think it is time that they RISE UP and snatch back what satan, himself, has stolen."

And you thought the replacement refs in the pros were controversial.

Of course, a look at the standings does reveal that the Duke Blue DEVILS are 5-1, and when did you ever hear of a Blue DEVIL team that was 5-1? Out West, meanwhile, the Arizona Sun DEVILS are 5-1. Call it a coincidence, if you dare.

Wreck, Record............... Last Loss ..................Next Loss
1. Auburned (1-4)............. 7-24, Arkansas...... ...Ole Miss
2. Mass (0-6)*................... 14-52, W. Michigan..Bye
3. So. Miss (0-5).............. 14-40, Boise St.......... Cnt. Fla.
4. E. Michigan (0-5)........ 14-41, Kent St........... Toledo
5. Kentucky (1-5)............ 14-27, Miss St............ Arkansas
6. Kansas (1-4)................ 16-56, Kansas St..... ...Oklahoma St
7. Rice (1-5).................... 10-14, Memphis......... Texas San Ant
8. Washington St (2-4)...... 6-19, Oregon St........ Cal
9. B.C.** (1-4)..................31-34, Army...............Fla. St.
10. Ill (2-4)...................... 14-31, Wisconsin........ Michigan

11. Texas (seven straight losses to ranked teams); 12. Hawaii (1-4); 13. Colorado (1-5); 14. UNLV (1-5); 15. Fla. Atlantic (1-4) or Fla. Int. (1-5) (you must choose one); 16. New Mexico State (1-5); 17. Virginia (2-4; 18. Anonymous; 19. Wyoming*** (1-4); 20. Texas of El (you fill in the joke) Paso (1-5).

Others (in partial alphabetical order): None.

*Leads nation in defeats.
**Based on the comic strip.
***Errant boldface; please ignore

Rout of the Weak: Michigan (3-2) over Ill (2-4).


Special Citation: Texas State held New Mexico to just 9 yards passing. Unfortunately for
Texas State, New Mexico did gain 361 yards on the ground, en route to a 35-14 win.

Pros

Jacksonville has the most luxurious practice-field locker room in the NFL, a new, $3 million-plus facility that the New York Times said ``looks like a cross between a high-end nightclub (a 41,600-watt sound system) and a 5-star hotel (stacked stone wall tile)."

It is so impressive that it has been chosen to appear in the Pro Bowl. (The complete locker room will be flown to Honolulu in January for the 2013 game.)

Alas, it can't do anything to help the home team, which has taken a 1-4 record to the top of the Bottom Ten. The Jags, averaging 13 points per game, have the best sofa chairs but the worst offense in the NFL.

The Jags can't become too comfortable as No. 1 though. They have a bye Sunday, meaning it could be a chance for Cleveland (0-4) to supplant them.  The red-faced Browns have not won a game since Nov. 20_in 2012.  Some day only the zombies will remember the last Cleveland win.

Wreck, Record........ Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. Jacksonville (1-4)... 3-41, Chicago......... Bye
2. Cleveland (0-5)..... 27-41, N.J. Giants.... Cincinnati
3. Carolina (1-4)....... 12-16, Seattle............ Bye
4. Kansas City (1-4)... 6-9, Baltimore......... Grampa Bay
5. Oakland (1-3)........ Bye.......................... Atlanta
6. Tennessee (2-4);  7. Dallas (2-2); 8. Grampa Bay (1-3); 9. Old Orleans (1-4). 10. Miami (Fla.) (2-3).

Crummy Game of the Week: Kansas City (1-4) at Grampa Bay (1-3).

Bottom Ten: Catch All the Latest Snores Here!

By Steve Harvey

Bottom Ten Theater Critic

                                         
The Colleges

Arkansas remained atop the Bottom Ten, chalking up its fourth defeat in 22 days. The Razorbacks seem to be working overtime to get into the rankings but, of course, they're feeling pressure to lose.

Another once prominent team, Georgia, Tech moved up to No. 5 after a 28-45 loss to Middle Tennessee State. Yes, Middle Tennessee. How badly would the Ramblin' Wreck have done if it had been forced to play the whole state of Tennessee?

Ole Mass, obviously fearful of endangering its spot in the BT_and its winless status_gave up 17 straight points late in the fourth quarter to ensure a 34-37 loss to Ohio (Ohio).

Elsewhere, Kentucky (1-4) coach Joe (Joker) Philips ought to consider adopting a new nickname.




Wreck, Record..........Last Loss...........................Next Loss
1. Arkansas (1-4)....... 10-58, Texas A$M.............Auburn
2. Ole Mass (0-5).........34-37, Ohio (O)............... Western Michigan
3. E. Michigan (0-4)... Idle ....................................Kent State
4. Idaho (0-5).............. 0-66, N. Carolina ..............New Mexico State
5. Ga. Tech (2-3)........ 28-45, Mid. Tennessee .....Clemson
6. Memphis (0-4)........ Idle.................................... Rice
7. UAB (0-4) ..............42-49, Tulsa...................... SE La.
8. Kentucky (1-4)....... 17-38, S. Carolina .............Miss State
9. UNLV (1-4)............13-35, Utah State............... Louisiana Tech*
10. Kansas (1-3).......... Idle................................... Kansas State

11. (Tie) Colorado State (1-4) and Colorado (1-4), or vice versa; 13. Rice (1-4); 14. Cal (1-4); 15. FIU (1-4); 16. Florida Atlanta (1-4); 17. Buffalo (1-3); 18. Declined to state; 19. Akron (1-4); 20. Conference USA (the home of four winless teams and four other teams with one win each).

*UNLV's a bad bet

Special Citation: Baylor and West Virginia defenses gave up 1,507 yards and 67 first downs between them in WVU's 70-63 win.

Quotebook: Orlando Sentinel columnist Mike Bianchi reported that Murray State coach Chris Hatcher, asked if he thought Florida State would finish No. 1 in the Top 25, replied: I'm no procrastinator."

Rout of the Weak: Clemson (4-1) over Georgia Tech (2-3) (you can count on our procrastinating).

The Pros

New Orleans QB Drew Brees tied a record for most consecutive games with a touchdown pass.  Now he and the Aints (0-4) are out to tie another remarkable record:  most consecutive losses in one year (16, held by Detroit). The Associated Press snapped a photo of one disgruntled New Orleans fan's headgear that bore the words: "Aints Throwback Jersey." It was a paper bag.

The Lions won't equal their record this year (they've somehow already won a game). But No. 10 Detroit did become  the first franchise in 72 years to allow a punt and a kickoff to be run back for touchdowns_in two straight games. Talk about unspecial teams!

Meanwhile, the Jets' offense is running on empty though the Wildcat offense was on display in their game against the 49ers. "The problem for the Jets?" wrote the L.A. Times Sam Farmer. "The Wildcat belonged to San Francisco."

 The Niners' backup QB Colin Kaepernick carried 5 times for 50 yards to spark a 34-0 S.F. win. Gee, wonder if the Jets ever thought of a similar role for their backup QB---what's his name again?

Wreck, Record................... Last Loss...................... Next Loss

1. New Orleans (0-4)........... 27-28, Green Bay.......... San Diego
2. N.J. Jets (2-2)..................... 0-34, San Francisco..... Houston
3. Cleveland (0-4)................ 16-23, Baltimore............ N.J. Giants
4. U.S. Ryder Cup (0-1)...... 13 1/2-14 1/2 ..................Done, Toast
5. Oakland (1-3).................. ..6-37 Denver ..................Bye
6. Jacksonville (1-3); 7. Miami (Fla.) (1-3); 8. Grampa Bay (1-3); 9. Carolina (1-3); 10. Detroit (1-3).

Rout of the Weak: Houston (4-0) over N.J. Jets (2-2).

Fantasy League Flops: Jets QB M. Sanchez (13-29, 103 yards, 1 interception, no TDs); Jets RB S. Greene (11 carries, 34 yards, no TDs); Oakland RB D. McFadden (13 carries, 34 yards, no TDs); Tennessee RB C. Johnson (25 carries, 141 yards, whoops, pardon the error---for the first time in a month, Johnson is NOT a Fantasy Flop).

Gruden Gibberish: "Romo gets more done on his own than any quarterback in pro football," ESPN's John Gruden gushed before the Cowboys-Bears game. And Tony Romo did do a lot on his own, throwing two interceptions that were returned for touchdowns in the 18-34 Dallas loss.

Gruden Gibberish, II: Speaking of the Cowboys, Gruden referred to the "work ethic this franchise is known for." Huh? The franchise is better known for seldom playing up to its potential, having won one playoff game over the last 14 years.

The initial error was made by an official who was 20 yards away:  "Cardinals quarterback Kevin Kolb's wife gave birth to their third child last week, an 8-pound, 11-ounce boy," wrote Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. "To no one's surprise, replacement officials initially ruled it a girl."

And, finally: One last tribute to two of the more memorable calls by the replacement refs,  illustrated by Bob Eckstein of the New York Times.

Holding the league hostage Loss of memory

Bottoming out in Arkanbama

By Steve Harvey

Bottom Ten Food Editor

                                           

The Colleges

"Smile! Smile! Or I'm not talking," Arkansas coach John Smith ordered puzzled reporters after a 0-52 loss to Alabama earlier this month.

This week Smith got laughs throughout the Southeastern Conference without asking. After a 26-35 loss to Rutgers, he said, "Don't give up on us. It's our program. It's a state of Alabama program." (Actually, Arkansas is in Arkansas).

Whatever, Bottom Ten selectors have not given up on the Razorbacks, elevating them to the bottom of the rankings.

A warm welcome to No. 8 Ill (2-2), a Big 10 school that qualified by losing by 28 to a school called Louisiana Tech.

Sorry, we don't have a report on how No. 20 USC fared because, like nearly every inhabitant of Southern California, we don't receive games broadcast by the Pac-12 Network. And Trojan coach Lane Kiffin later declined to divulge the score of the game, citing "privacy issues."

Wreck, Record...................... Last Loss................. Next Loss

1. Arkansas (1-3).................... 26-35, Rutgers.......... Texas A$M

2. Ole Mass (0-4).................... 16-27, Miami (O)...... Ohio (O)

3. E. Michigan (0-4).................. 7-23, Michigan St ...Idle

4. Idaho (0-4).......................... 37-40, Wyoming....... N. Carolina

5. Memphis (0-4).................... 14-38 Duke ...............Even Idler

6. Houston (0-3)..................... Idle ............................Rice

7. Ole Southern Miss (0-3)..... Idle ............................Louisville

8. Ill (2-2) ...............................24-52, La. Tech ........Penn St

9. Kansas (1-3) .......................23-30, N. Ill ..............Idlest

10. Iowa (2-2) ........................21-32, Cent. Mich..... Minnehaha

11. UAB (0-3); 12. Bowling (Green) (1-3); 13. Florida Atlantic (1-3); 14. Florida International (1-3); 15. Rice (1-3); 16. Kentucky (1-3); 17. Colorado State (1-3); 18. Out of town; 19. Temple (1-2); 20. USC (?).

Rout of the Weak: TCU (3-0) over SMU (1-2) (SMU says the possibility of the team showing up will be a "game-time decision").

Special Citation: Arizona gained 332 yards and zero points in a 0-49 loss to Oregon.

The Pros

What a season. Arizona (3-0) and Buffalo (2-1) are now heavy favorites to play in the Super Bowl. And quarterbacks Tom Brady, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning are all on 2-game losing streaks.

In fact, Brady led the New England Patsies into the No. 1 position as they lost to Baltimore, 31-30, on a disputed field goal. (Of course, what isn't disputed in the NFL these days?)

Patsy coach Bill Belichick grabbed the arm of a ref leaving the game but later explained he was just asking where the restrooms were.

He was fined $50,000 on Wednesday. A few days earlier, he had said:  "I've coached in the league a long time and never been penalized..." He was evidently forgetting that little $500,000 fan levied against him for the Spygate scandal several years ago.

Worst Coaching Performance of the Week honors went to No. 8 Miami's Joe Philbin, who called time out just as Jets kicker Nick Folk was missing a last-second field goal attempt. '' Given a second chance, Folk converted to give the Jets a 23-20 victory.

Meanwhile, after a hit that took off part of the ear of Houston QB Matt Schaub, the NFL handed out a 1-game suspension to No. 6 Denver linebacker Mike Tyson, excuse me, Joe Mays.

Wreck, Record ......................Last Loss................. Next Loss

1. New England (1-2)............. 30-31, Baltimore....... Buffalo

2. New Orleans (0-3).............. 24-27, Kansas City... Green Bay

3. Cleveland (0-3)................... 14-24, Buffalo.......... Baltimore

4. Green Bay (1-2)...................12-14, Seattle*......... New Orleans
5. Chivas USA (**) (7-15-7).... 0-1, DC United....... Who cares?

6. Denver (1-2); 7. The Pitts (1-2); 8. Miami (1-2); 9. Grampa Bay (1-2); 10. St. Louis (1-2).

* Pending a review by the U.S. Supreme Court
** The other kind of "football."

Rout of the Weak: Buffalo (2-1) over New England (1-2).

Quotebook: "Let's get ready for the second half, which can only get better,"  Chargers radio announcer Josh Lewin said with San Diego trailing Atlanta, 20-0. Nope. The Chargers lost, 27-3.

Don't forget the animal-rights issue: "Zebras have petitioned the courts to prohibit use of their name as a nickname for replacement refs," Art Aguilar wrote just before the labor deal was reached.

 Fantasy Follies: S.D. QB Philip Rivers (21-38 for 173 yards, 2 interceptions, no TDs); St. Louis RB Steven Jackson (11 carries, 29 yards); Tennessee RB Chris Johnson (14 carries, 24 yards) (third straight week on list for Johnson!).

Afraid of the temperamental Belichick? Actually, the photo was taken in Merry OLDE England and refers to vehicles carrying soccer hooligans. But they might start excluding Belichick, too.