Under Old Management!

By Steve Harvey

(No returns or exchanges without receipt)

The Colleges

Halloween horrors came two days early for No. 1 New Mexico (0-8). Lost Lobos fell to Air Force, 0-42, while co-leader Florida Atlantic (0-7), like a child too young to go out on trick-or-treat night, was given a bye.

As for New Mexico, ``if the Lobos don't win their next game, the Land of Enchantment officially becomes the Land of Stultifying Loss after Stultifying Loss," wrote Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald.

Meanwhile, football fans were excited about reports that the Big East Conference would add Boise State (for football only) and UCLA (for marching band only).

Wreck, Record............. Last Loss................... Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-8)........... 0-42, Air Force............... San Diego State

1. Florida Atlantic (0-7)..... Idle................................... Arkansas State

3. Indiana (1-8).................... 38-59, Northwestern.... Ohio State

4. Idaho (1-7)........................ 14-16, Hawaii................. San Jose State

5. Colorado (1-8)................. 14-48, Arizona State..... USC

6. Alabama (Birm.) (1-7).... 14-59, Marshall.............. Houston

7. Rice (2-6) .........................34-73, Houston.............. UTEP

8. Two-Lane (2-7) ...............13-34, East Carolina..... The SMUs

9. Maryland (2-6)................ 17-28, BC ........................Virginia

10. Memphis (2-7)............... 0-41, Central Florida... Alabama (Birm.) (Nov. 12)

11. Buffalo (2-7); 12. Oregon State (2-6); 13. North Texas (3-6); 14. B.C. (2-6); 15. UNLV (2-5); 16. Akron (1-7); 17. Utah State (2-5); 18 Minnesota (2-6); 19. Your Name Here; 20. Miami (O.) (2-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Akron (1-7) at Miami (O.) (2-6).

Rout of the Week: Houston (8-0) at Alabama (Birmingham) (1-7).

Quotebook: Actor Tim Allen, as the dad on the sitcom, ``Last Man Standing": ``College is important. Without college there'd be no college football."

Feel the electricity: After Missoula police had to use tasers on two University of Montana players to break up a party, Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times reported the two were classified as ``day to day with a stinger."

The Pros

The Dallas Cows (3-4) rose to No. 5 with a 7-34 loss to Philadelphia, which did virtually everything right except for the play on which center Jason Kelce thought QB Michael Vick was taking a direct snap. Kelce hiked the ball up his own butt.

Vick, who was in shotgun formation, recovered the fumble but, as NBC broadcaster Chris Collinsworth, put it, this was a hike to file ``under the embarrassing category."

In another anatomical matter, Minnehaha defensive end Brian Robison was fined $20,000 for kicking Green Bay guard T.J. Lang in the groin during the previous week's game. Robison insisted he did not ``maliciously aim for genitalia," but would not say whether his errant kick was off to the left or to the right.

With the St. Louis Lambs' win over New Orleans (welcome back, Aints!), the ranks of the unwon dwindled to two: No. 1 Indianapolis (0-8) and No. 2 Miami (Fla.) (0-7).

The Dolts stayed on top despite the admission by Miami's Reggie Bush after a recent loss to Denver that ``right now the team stinks."

The No. 7 Buncos, with the Bad Tebow at quarterback, rebounded from that triumph to lose to Detroit 45-10. The Detroit Free Press pointed out that the NFL's website had billed the game as "Good vs. Evil." Afterward, Ndamukong Suh, the heavily-fined Detroit tackle, exulted: "Evil prevails."

Wreck, Record............ Last Loss............. Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-8)......... 10-27, Tennessee..... Atlanta

2. Miami (0-7)................... 17-20, N. J. Giants... Kansas City

3. Seattle (2-5).................. 12-34, Cincinnati...... Dallas

4. Arizona (1-6) .................27-30, Baltimore..... .St. Louis

5. Dallas (3-4)................... 7-34, Philadelphia.... Seattle

6. St. Louis (1-6); 7. Denver (2-5); 8. Washington (3-4); 9. Jacksonville (2-6); 10. San Diego (4-3).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Dallas (3-4) vs. Seattle (2-5).

Fantasy Flop of the Week (if not the year): Tennessee running back Chris Johnson, 14 carries, 34 yards, no TDs. (Johnson, who is averaging 2.8 yards per carry, has been held to 34 or fewer yards four times this season.)