Southern Miss Doesn't Miss

By Steve Harvey
NHL All-Star Game Coordinator


Colleges

With schools playing longer schedules than ever, it's more difficult to go winless these days. But Ole Southern Miss (0-12) pulled off the trick, winning the Bottom Ten championship trophy,  a cheddar cheese sculpture of Ryan Leaf fumbling.

The Golden Beagles, who suffered their worst season since 1925,  finished with a flourish, dropping a 24-43 decision to Memphis, an 8-time loser.

Massachusetts (1-11), a mid-season Bottom Ten leader, finished third, its season ruined by an earlier 22-14 victory over No. 2 Akron (1-11).

Dishonorable mention went to No. 6 Auburn. Though the winner of 3 games, the school did achieve the worst downfall within two years of winning a national title of any school since the Associated Press Top Ten poll started in 1936. Memories.


Wreck, Record................... Last Loss................ Bowl Invite?
1. Ole So. Miss (0-12)......... 24-42, Memphis....... None
2. Akron (1-11)................... 23-35, Toledo........... Uh Uh
3. Ole Mass (1-11) ..............21-42, Central Mich.. No chance
4. Kansas (1-10).................. Idle............................ Huh?
5. Colorado (1-11)............... 35-42, Utah............... You kidding?
6. Auburn (3-9).................... 0-49, Alabama.......... Yeah, sure
7. New Mex St (1-10)........ 14-50, BYU................ No way
8. Fightin' Ill (2-10)............ 14-50, Northwestern... Hah hah
9. Idaho (1-11).................... 9-45, Utah State........ Say what?
10. E. Michigan (2-10) ........7-49, N. Ill..................Nah
11. Arkansas (4-8); 12. Kentucky (2-10); 13. UNLV (2-11); 14. Texas at El I've Run Out of Jokes Paso (3-9); 15. B.C. (2-10); 16. Southern Florida (3-8); 17. Tulane (2-10); 18. Disappeared on Black Friday; 19. Hawaii (2-9); 20. Cal (3-8).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Idle.

Rout of the Weak: Idle.

Semi-Pros

Perhaps because Cleveland had lost 16 of its last 17 games against Pittsburgh, the team's front office announced it would be handing out white flags at last weekend's game against the Steelers. No, the Browns braintrust actually thought the flags were something the fans "could rally around."

 The promotion was finally canceled after someone pointed out that white flags are, duh, a symbol of surrender.  The Browns had never thought of handing out BROWN flags, apparently.

And then, wonder of wonders, Cleveland went out and beat the Steelers, 20-14, anyway. Of course the Pitts were using Charlie Batch, their 17th string QB, but let's not quibble.

Just as shocking, Jacksonville knocked off Tennessee, 24-19, and the Jaguars can now say that they have twice as many wins as someone---hopeless Kansas City (1-9).

The day wasn't a total loss for the No. 1 Chefs. Running back Jamaal Charles managed to snare Denver QB Peyton Manning's autograph on the field after the game. Manning didn't ask for his.

The wily NFL knows a thing or two about scheduling crucial games late in the season. This Sunday, each team in the Bottom Ten plays another member of the BT,  the marquee match being Dallas (5-6) vs. Philadelphia (3-8). Whether  coaches Andy Reid (Philadelphia) and Jason Garrett (Dallas) still have their jobs at kickoff will be game-time decisions.

Wreck, Record............. Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. Kansas City (1-10)..... 9-17, Denver............ Carolina
2. N.J. Jets (4-7) ...........19-49, New England.. Arizona
3. Philadelphia (3-8)..... 22-30, Carolina.......... Dallas
4. Oakland (3-8)........... 10-34, Cincinnati....... Cleveland
5. Arizona (4-7)............ 17-31, St. Louis......... N.J. Jets
6. Jacksonville (2-9); 7. Buffalo (4-7); 8. Cleveland (3-8); 9. Carolina (3-8); 10. Dallas (5-6)

Special Citations: The Raiders and Bungles committed a total of four penalties between two plays in their game. Two of the Raiders were ejected from the game.

Streak of the Year: Carolina is 0-12 on coin tosses (including one in overtime). What are the odds of that happening? The Bottom Ten's Univac computer says better than 2 to 1.