Bottoming out in Arkanbama

By Steve Harvey

Bottom Ten Food Editor

                                           

The Colleges

"Smile! Smile! Or I'm not talking," Arkansas coach John Smith ordered puzzled reporters after a 0-52 loss to Alabama earlier this month.

This week Smith got laughs throughout the Southeastern Conference without asking. After a 26-35 loss to Rutgers, he said, "Don't give up on us. It's our program. It's a state of Alabama program." (Actually, Arkansas is in Arkansas).

Whatever, Bottom Ten selectors have not given up on the Razorbacks, elevating them to the bottom of the rankings.

A warm welcome to No. 8 Ill (2-2), a Big 10 school that qualified by losing by 28 to a school called Louisiana Tech.

Sorry, we don't have a report on how No. 20 USC fared because, like nearly every inhabitant of Southern California, we don't receive games broadcast by the Pac-12 Network. And Trojan coach Lane Kiffin later declined to divulge the score of the game, citing "privacy issues."

Wreck, Record...................... Last Loss................. Next Loss

1. Arkansas (1-3).................... 26-35, Rutgers.......... Texas A$M

2. Ole Mass (0-4).................... 16-27, Miami (O)...... Ohio (O)

3. E. Michigan (0-4).................. 7-23, Michigan St ...Idle

4. Idaho (0-4).......................... 37-40, Wyoming....... N. Carolina

5. Memphis (0-4).................... 14-38 Duke ...............Even Idler

6. Houston (0-3)..................... Idle ............................Rice

7. Ole Southern Miss (0-3)..... Idle ............................Louisville

8. Ill (2-2) ...............................24-52, La. Tech ........Penn St

9. Kansas (1-3) .......................23-30, N. Ill ..............Idlest

10. Iowa (2-2) ........................21-32, Cent. Mich..... Minnehaha

11. UAB (0-3); 12. Bowling (Green) (1-3); 13. Florida Atlantic (1-3); 14. Florida International (1-3); 15. Rice (1-3); 16. Kentucky (1-3); 17. Colorado State (1-3); 18. Out of town; 19. Temple (1-2); 20. USC (?).

Rout of the Weak: TCU (3-0) over SMU (1-2) (SMU says the possibility of the team showing up will be a "game-time decision").

Special Citation: Arizona gained 332 yards and zero points in a 0-49 loss to Oregon.

The Pros

What a season. Arizona (3-0) and Buffalo (2-1) are now heavy favorites to play in the Super Bowl. And quarterbacks Tom Brady, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning are all on 2-game losing streaks.

In fact, Brady led the New England Patsies into the No. 1 position as they lost to Baltimore, 31-30, on a disputed field goal. (Of course, what isn't disputed in the NFL these days?)

Patsy coach Bill Belichick grabbed the arm of a ref leaving the game but later explained he was just asking where the restrooms were.

He was fined $50,000 on Wednesday. A few days earlier, he had said:  "I've coached in the league a long time and never been penalized..." He was evidently forgetting that little $500,000 fan levied against him for the Spygate scandal several years ago.

Worst Coaching Performance of the Week honors went to No. 8 Miami's Joe Philbin, who called time out just as Jets kicker Nick Folk was missing a last-second field goal attempt. '' Given a second chance, Folk converted to give the Jets a 23-20 victory.

Meanwhile, after a hit that took off part of the ear of Houston QB Matt Schaub, the NFL handed out a 1-game suspension to No. 6 Denver linebacker Mike Tyson, excuse me, Joe Mays.

Wreck, Record ......................Last Loss................. Next Loss

1. New England (1-2)............. 30-31, Baltimore....... Buffalo

2. New Orleans (0-3).............. 24-27, Kansas City... Green Bay

3. Cleveland (0-3)................... 14-24, Buffalo.......... Baltimore

4. Green Bay (1-2)...................12-14, Seattle*......... New Orleans
5. Chivas USA (**) (7-15-7).... 0-1, DC United....... Who cares?

6. Denver (1-2); 7. The Pitts (1-2); 8. Miami (1-2); 9. Grampa Bay (1-2); 10. St. Louis (1-2).

* Pending a review by the U.S. Supreme Court
** The other kind of "football."

Rout of the Weak: Buffalo (2-1) over New England (1-2).

Quotebook: "Let's get ready for the second half, which can only get better,"  Chargers radio announcer Josh Lewin said with San Diego trailing Atlanta, 20-0. Nope. The Chargers lost, 27-3.

Don't forget the animal-rights issue: "Zebras have petitioned the courts to prohibit use of their name as a nickname for replacement refs," Art Aguilar wrote just before the labor deal was reached.

 Fantasy Follies: S.D. QB Philip Rivers (21-38 for 173 yards, 2 interceptions, no TDs); St. Louis RB Steven Jackson (11 carries, 29 yards); Tennessee RB Chris Johnson (14 carries, 24 yards) (third straight week on list for Johnson!).

Afraid of the temperamental Belichick? Actually, the photo was taken in Merry OLDE England and refers to vehicles carrying soccer hooligans. But they might start excluding Belichick, too.