BCS (Bowl Chump Series) Canceled!

By Steve Harvey

Updated 3 nanoseconds ago

Colleges

Alas, there'll be no post-season Bottom Ten Bowl series inasmuch as talks broke down with NBC to hold the competition on its show, ``The Biggest Loser."

So, four teams will be in contention for the prestigious title on Saturday: New Mexico (1-10), Akron (1-11), Indiana (1-11) and Florida Atlantic (1-10).

New Mexico is the favorite because of a favorable schedule: Lost Lobos get to close against Boise State, giving them a chance to lose by anywhere from 40 to 60 points.

No. 3 Florida Atlantic, by contrast, could actually defeat its opponent, No. 10 Louisiana-Monroe (named for James, not Marilyn).

All Akron and Indiana can do is wait_their seasons are over (for which their fans can be thankful).

The end of the season is, unfortunately, a time for firings. Sure enough, the Bottom Ten axed several staff members, including one who ranked Oregon No. 1 after the Ducks' opening loss to LSU, another who reported that the University of Texas was going to jump to the American League West and a third who believed Urban Meyer last week when Meyer said he had not been offered the coaching job at Ohio State.

Wreck, Record................................ Last Loss........................Next Loss

1. New Mexico (1-10).............................Idle.......................................Boise State

2. Akron (1-11)..................................... 19-68, W. Michigan................*

3. Indiana (1-11)....................................25-33, Purdon't...................... *

4. Florida Atlantic (1-10).......................Def. Ala. (Birm.), 38-35...........La.-Monroe

5. UNLV (2-9)...................................... 14-31, San Diego State...........TCU

6. Two Lane (2-11).............................. .23-35, Hawaii .........................*

7. Maryland (2-10)............................... 41-56, N.C. State......................*

8. Kansas (2-10).................................. 10-2, Missouri .........................*

9. Near Miss (2-10)............................. 3-31, Ole Miss State.................*

10. Louisiana-Monroe (3-8).................. Idle...........................................Florida Atlantic

11. Duke (3-9); 12; Idaho (2-9); 13. Central Michigan (3-9); 14. Oregon State (3-9); 15. Washington State (4-8); 16. Rice (4-8); 17. Tennessee (5-7); 18. Kentucky (5-7); 19. Closed Until Summer; 20. UCLA (6-6).

* Denotes season is over, done, finito, toast.

Rout of the Weak: New Mexico (1-10) at Boise State (10-1). Alternate selection: Oregon (10-2) vs. UCLA (6-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Louisiana-Monroe (3-8) at Florida Atlantic (1-10).

Correction of the Week (from the New York Times): ``A chart on Monday about the contenders for the Heisman Trophy misstated the number of passes that Southern California quarterback Matt Barkley threw and completed against UCLA on Saturday. He completed 35 of 42 passes, not 3 of 12."

Correction of the Week Comment: So that's how USC won, 50-0!

Quotebook: On his blog, UCLA athletic director Dan Guerrero promised he ``will leave no stone unturned in finding the best person" to replace fired coach Rick Neuheisel. Mused the L.A. Times' T.J. Simers: ``Do you really want UCLA finding its next football coach under a rock somewhere?"

Pros

Dan Orlovsky is starting at quarterback for Indianapolis (0-11) Sunday and it will be a familiar experience for him. His last start was in 2008 for Detroit, which went 0-16 that year. Orlovsky is replacing Curtis Painter, who hasn't figured out the art of playing quarterback in the NFL.

Unfortunately for Orlovsky and the Dolts, they face New England (8-3). The overs-and-unders for the game is 50, the same number of points the Patriots are favored to win by.

Exciting as the Dolts' winless drive may be, there was even more talk about the stomping epidemic sweeping the pro football world.

Just the other day, ex-NFL QB Joe Kapp, age 73, knocked down a former rival at a Canadian Football League annual alumni luncheon, then kicked him. Kapp is expected to be suspended from the next two annual alumni luncheons.

Kapp's outburst came on the heel of Detroit defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh of Detroit stepping on a Green Bay player. Suh (rhymes with ``shoe") will sit out the next two games, unless an appeal to halve his suspension is granted.

In order to save plane and hotel fare, Suh has rented an apartment in Manhattan to make it easier for him to commute to his weekly scoldings by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss................ Next Loss

1. Guess Who (0-11)...... 19-27, Carolina........... New England (!)

2. St. Louis (2-9)........... 20-23, Arizona ............San Francisco

3. San Diego (4-7)......... 13-16, Denver OT*........Jacksonville

4. Minnehaha (2-9)........ 14-24, Atlanta.............. Denver

5. Philadelphia (4-7)...... 20-38, New England......Seattle

6. Jacksonville (3-8); 7. Kansas City (4-7); 8. Cleveland (4-7); 9. Buffalo (5-6); 10. Rest of NFL vs. Tebow (1-4).

*OT stands for ``overcome by Tebow."

Crummy Thursday Night Game of the Weak: Philadelphia (4-7) at Seattle (4-7). NFL Network promoted it as a ``primetime showdown" in one ad. For what? The Bottom Ten title?

Crummy Monday Night Game of the Weak: San Diego (4-7) at Jacksonville (3-8).

Rout of the Weak: Guess Who (0-11) at New England (8-3).

A kicker whose aim must be good in more ways than one: Chargers kicker Nick Novak, caught by cameras urinating on the sideline during the San Diego-Denver game, told the New York Times: ``I usually go two or three times a game...We can't really go inside to do it. You just take a knee, have teammates hold up towels."

Defining Black Friday: ``Just think of it as going shopping with 5,000 Ndamukong Suhs," wrote Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times.

The turkeys of the gridiron

By Steve Harvey

Not trending: Oklahoma State, Oregon, Florida Atlantic

Colleges

The only major college football team with a winless record, Florida Atlantic came through with a 7-34 loss to ancient Troy (Ala.) to remain atop the Bottom Ten. But now the question is whether the myopic Owls can avoid victory when they go up against No. 8 Alabama (Birm.) (3-8) Saturday.

Switching from the Atlantic to the Pacific, No. 4 Tulane is expected to record its 11th loss against Hawaii, which has the home-island advantage.

In other action, Columbia University announced it was suspending the school band for serenading the beleaguered football team (1-8) with such lyrics as, Why are we even trying?/ We always lose lose lose/ But we take solace in our booze.

But officials changed their mind before gametime after the band apologized. Perhaps the school didn't want to be flagged for brass interference. And Columbia won won won.

Wreck, Record..................Last Loss..............Next Loss

1. Fla. Atlantic (0-10).............. 7-34, Troy................. Alabama (Birm.)

2. Akron (1-10)........................ 10-51, Buffalo............ Western Michigan

3. Columbia (1-9).................... Def. Brown 35-28..... Done

4. Tulane (2-10)...................... 7-19, Rice.................... Hawaii

5. UNLV (2-8)......................... 17-45, Air Force........ San Diego State

6. New Mexico (1-10)............. 10-31, Wyoming........ Boise

7. Indiana (1-10)..................... 3-55, Mich. State....... Purdon't

8. Alabama (Birm.) (3-8).......Def. So. Miss, 34-31..Florida Atlantic

9. Memphis (2-9)................... 22-23, Marshall..........Southern Miss

10. Idaho (2-9)....................... 42-49, Utah State....... Nevada

11. La. Monroe (3-8); 12. Maryland (2-9); 13. Colorado (2-10); 14. B.C. (3-8); 15. Duke (3-8); 16. Kentucky (4-7); 17. Central Michigan (3-9); 18. The Pitts (5-5); 19. Attending last episode of ``Live! with Regis and Kelly"; 20. William and/or Mary (5-6).

Pros

And, so, the number of sidelined quarterbacks grew, including Houston's Matt Schaub (bad foot), Chicago's Jay Cutler (bad thumb) and Washington's John Beck (bad passes).

Still, it was a surprise when the NFL Network announced it would no longer cover the games themselves but would concentrate solely on injuries and rename itself, Hospital Zone!

Two fascinating streaks will be on the line this Thanksgiving weekend. No. 1 turkey Indianapolis (0-10) goes up against No. 4 Carolina (2-8), a team the Dolts could actually defeat.

And New Orleans will try to snap an 0-11 record on coin flips (including one in overtime). The Saints denied that coach Sean Payton's job is in danger because of his failure to develop a prescient coin-toss caller. No doubt this issue will be covered by the ESP network.

Wreck, Record..........Last Loss..........Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-10).... Idle....................... Carolina

2. St. Louis (2-8)............ 7-24, Seattle........ Arizona

3. San Diego (4-6)......... 20-31, Chicago..... Denver

4. Carolina (2-8)........... 35-49, Detroit...... Indianapolis

5. Arizona (3-7)............. 7-23, San Fran.......St. Louis

6. Buffalo (5-5); 7. Minnehaha (2-8); 8. Jacksonville (3-7) ; 9 Grampa Bay (4-6); 10. Rex Ryan's predictions (5-5).

Crummy Games of the Weak: Carolina (2-8) at Indianapolis (0-10); Arizona (3-7) at St. Louis (2-8).

Fantasy Flops: Tennessee's Chris Johnson chalked up 28 no-purpose yards, 13 on the ground in 12 carries and 15 through the air on 3 receptions, in a 17-23 loss to Atlanta.

Famous Last Words: ``The biggest thing for the secondary is for us not to fall asleep," said Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis before their game against Tim Tebow and the Broncos. ``It can get boring, especially if a team keeps on just running the ball, series after series, play after play." The boring Broncos whipped the Jets, 17-13.

Plumbing the depths

By Steve Harvey

Updated every 3.2 seconds

(And welcome to the column all you NBA fans with nothing better to do!)

Colleges

Howard Schnellenberger has a chance to become the first coach ever to win a national championship as well as the Bottom Ten title.

Schnellenberger, whose 1983 Miami (Fla.) team won it all, is now the coach of Florida Atlantic, which is a university, not an airline, and has a chance to lose it all. FA, 0-9, seized sole possession of No. 1 after the unlikely triumph of former co-leader New Mexico over UNLV.

(New Mexico (1-9), as Bottom Ten rules mandate, was suspended from the rankings for one week after the victory).

Staying on top won't be easy for FA, which still needs to lose to Troy (2-7), Alabama (Birmingham) (2-8) and Louisiana-Monroe (3-7) in order to have its name inscribed on the plaque at the Bottom Ten Hall of Fame, currently located in the back of a van in Venice, Calif.

Another big gainer in the rankings was No. 3 Tulane (2-9), which fell to Houston, 17-73. Still, the Green Wave did briefly excite fans by scoring in the fourth quarter to narrow the margin to 17-59, thus making it just a 6-possession game.

Wreck, Record................ Last Loss.......................... Next Loss

1. Florida Atlantic (0-9)........ 7-41, Florida International.... Troy

2. UNLV (2-7) ........................14-21, New Mexico................... Air Force

3. Tulane (2-9)...................... 17-73, Houston .........................Rice

4. Akron (1-9).......................... 3-35, Kent State......................Buffalo

5. Memphis (2-8).................. 35-41, Alabama (Birm.) ..........Marshall

6. Indiana (1-9)...................... 20-34, Ohio State.....................Michigan State

7. Buffalo (2-8)...................... 17-30, Eastern Michigan ........Akron

8. Idaho (2-8) ..........................7-42, BYU.................................Utah State

9. Maryland (2-8)................. 21-45, Notre Dame.................. Wake Forest

10. Oh, Miss? (2-8) .................7-21, Louisiana Tech..............LSU

11. Alabama (Birm). (2-8); 12. Arizona (2-8); 13. Oregon State (2-8); 14. Colorado (2-9); 15. B.C. (2-8); 16. Duke (3-7); 17. Kentucky (4-6); 18. Tennessee (4-6); 19. Attending NBA opener; 20. Tie between William & Mary (4-6).

Rout of the Weak: LSU (10-0) at Oh, Miss? (2-8).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Florida Atlantic (0-9) at Troy (2-5) (the Troy in Alabama, not the one in Southern California).

The Pros

It was another low for the Dolts.

Indianapolis and Jacksonville were tied 3-3 Sunday but CBS didn't share any details with viewers on its early halftime show. ``No highlights here," NFL Today anchor James Brown snapped, quickly switching away to another game after giving the score.

But the Dolts did, of course, qualify for the Bottom Ten's lowlights show!

The 0-10 Dolts lost, 3-17, and are the only team with less than two wins in the NFL. They seem a shoe-in to get first choice in the draft but what happens if they take Andrew Luck and Luck can't find the team?

Don't forget this is the franchise that packed up its stuff in 15 Mayflower trucks when things got rough in 1984 and sneaked out of Baltimore, stopping in Indianapolis reportedly because they ran out of gas.

Cleveland, meanwhile, moved up to No. 4 with a 12-13 loss to St. Louis as the Browns' Phil Dawson botched a 22-yard field goal attempt. Dawson's miss occurred because center Ryan Pontbriand's snap bounced off the foot of a teammate lined next to him. His snap, in other words, was off to the left.

Wreck, Record.......... Last Loss............... Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-10)...... 3-17, Jacksonville...... Idle

2. Washington (3-6)........ 9-20, Miami............... Dallas

3. Philadelphia (3-6)....... 17-21, Arizona............ N.J. Giants

4. Cleveland (3-6)............ 12-13, St. Louis.......... Jacksonville

5. Carolina (2-7)................ 3-30, Tennessee....... Detroit

6. Minnehaha (2-7); 7. St. Louis (3-6); 8. San Diego (4-5); 9. DeSean Jackson's alarm clock; 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow (1-4).

Worst Imitation of a Football Player: As Tennessee's Marc Mariani was seen returning a punt 79 yards for a touchdown against Carolina, CBS' James Brown said of kicker Jason Baker's half-hearted attempt to bring down Mariani: ``At least give us a break. Try to make the tackle."

Quotebook: Regarding the contract gripes of Philadephia WR DeSean Jackson, one fan wrote to Yahoo (his spelling and grammar was left intact): ``why did he sign such a worthless contract. he is a educated man or is he? this reminds me of Revis, mr you signed a contract live up to it all you people out there who say give him the money would you say that ifn you owned philly?" (Perhaps ifn I owned a small part of the team.)

A Fox Warts Production

By Steve Harvey

Colleges

Lost Lobos of New Mexico (0-9) will really have to be off their game Saturday to retain a share of the Bottom Ten lead. After all, they play the nearly-as-inept Droolin' Rebels of Nevada Las Vegas (2-6) in the Crummy Game of the Year (tickets still available).

Lost Lobos are feeling the pressure from co-leader Florida Atlantic (0-8), which shows no sign of ever winning a game.

And, then there's No. 3 Alabama (Birmingham) (1-8) (sorry for all the parentheses) (it won't happen again). The Blazers poured it on themselves last week in a 13-56 drubbing by Houston.

It was a bad week for the state of Alabama, with the Crimson Tide falling to LSU, 6-9, in what some called The Game of the Century. Judging from the offensive output, those analysts apparently meant the 19th century.

Next up, Birmingham battles No. 13 Memphis (2-7) in a game known as the ``Battle for the Bones," with a gold-colored, rack-of-ribs trophy going to the winner. The matchup, according to one web site, recognizes the "renowned barbecue history" of each city.

If the game recognized the football history of each city, it might be called ``Battle for the Table Scraps."

Wreck, Record..............Last Loss...................Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-9)........... 7-35, San Diego State.... UNLV

1. Florida Atlantic (0-8)... 21-39, Arkansas State.... Florida International

3. Alabama (Birm.) (1-8).. 13-56, Houston................ Memphis

4. Colorado (1-9)................ 17-42, USC .......................Arizona

5. Akron (1-8)...................... 3-35, Miami (O)..............Kent State

6. Indiana (1-9).................. 20-34, Ohio State............ Michigan State

7. Maryland (2-7).............. 13-31, Virginia.................. Notre Dame

8. Kansas (2-7)................... 10-13, Iowa State............. Baylor

9. UNLV (2-6).................... 21-48, Boise State............ New Mexico

10. B.C. (2-7)....................... 7-38, Florida State..........North Carolina State

11. Buffalo (2-7); 12. Arizona (2-7); 13. Memphis (2-7); 14. Ole Ole Miss (2-7); 15. Minnesota (2-7); 16. Oregon State (2-7); 17. Idaho (2-7); 18 Washington State (3-6); 19. Censored; 20. Purdon't (4-5).

Crummy Game of the Year, if not Decade: UNLV (2-6) at New Mexico (0-9).

Rout of the Weak: Wisconsin (7-2) over Minnesota (2-7).

The Pros

Miami (Fla.) hasn't been able to do anything right this year so it figure that the Dolphins would go out and win a game, thereby threatening their chances of getting Stanford's Andrew Luck in the draft.

And Miami won without cornerback Vontae Davis, who was suspended for one game after reportedly showing up for practice with alcohol on his breath. (Maybe he mistakenly thought he was supposed to study Bloody Marys, not Hail Marys.)

The Dolphins' victory left Indianapolis (0-9) as the only winless team in the NFL. The Dolts just seem unstartable. Of course, wouldn't it be interesting if Indy got the first pick and Luck pulled a John Elway---that is, refused to sign with the Dolts, as John Elway did in 1983? Elway was eventually traded to Denver.

Elsewhere, the No. 3 Philadelphia Eagles blew a 4th quarter lead for the fourth time this season, which makes you wonder. When they were buying marquee players in the offseason, why didn't they acquire Mariano Rivera as a closer?

And, welcome back, No. 8 San Diego, which rejoined the Bottom Ten on the wings of three interceptions by Philip Rivers for Norv Turnover's team.

Wreck, Record..........Last Loss......................Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-9)...... 7-31, Atlanta....................... Jacksonville

2. Seattle (2-6)............. .13-23, Dallas........................ Baltimore

3. Philadelphia (3-5)..... 24-30, Chicago.................... Arizona

4. St. Louis (1-7)............ 13-19, Arizona .....................Cleveland

5. Miami (Fla.) (1-7)..... Def. Kansas City, 31-3........ Washington

6. Jacksonville (2-6); 7. Washington (3-5); 8. San Diego (4-4); 9. Oakland (4-4) 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow this year (1-2).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Jacksonville (2-6) at Indianapolis (0-9).

Fantasy Flop of the Week: New England WR Chad Ochocinco, vs. N.J. Giants: no catches for no yards and no touchdowns.

Thought for the Day: Blogger/commentator Norman Chad says, "Frankly, the only sideline reporters I respect are those at the Running of the Bulls."

Under Old Management!

By Steve Harvey

(No returns or exchanges without receipt)

The Colleges

Halloween horrors came two days early for No. 1 New Mexico (0-8). Lost Lobos fell to Air Force, 0-42, while co-leader Florida Atlantic (0-7), like a child too young to go out on trick-or-treat night, was given a bye.

As for New Mexico, ``if the Lobos don't win their next game, the Land of Enchantment officially becomes the Land of Stultifying Loss after Stultifying Loss," wrote Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald.

Meanwhile, football fans were excited about reports that the Big East Conference would add Boise State (for football only) and UCLA (for marching band only).

Wreck, Record............. Last Loss................... Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-8)........... 0-42, Air Force............... San Diego State

1. Florida Atlantic (0-7)..... Idle................................... Arkansas State

3. Indiana (1-8).................... 38-59, Northwestern.... Ohio State

4. Idaho (1-7)........................ 14-16, Hawaii................. San Jose State

5. Colorado (1-8)................. 14-48, Arizona State..... USC

6. Alabama (Birm.) (1-7).... 14-59, Marshall.............. Houston

7. Rice (2-6) .........................34-73, Houston.............. UTEP

8. Two-Lane (2-7) ...............13-34, East Carolina..... The SMUs

9. Maryland (2-6)................ 17-28, BC ........................Virginia

10. Memphis (2-7)............... 0-41, Central Florida... Alabama (Birm.) (Nov. 12)

11. Buffalo (2-7); 12. Oregon State (2-6); 13. North Texas (3-6); 14. B.C. (2-6); 15. UNLV (2-5); 16. Akron (1-7); 17. Utah State (2-5); 18 Minnesota (2-6); 19. Your Name Here; 20. Miami (O.) (2-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Akron (1-7) at Miami (O.) (2-6).

Rout of the Week: Houston (8-0) at Alabama (Birmingham) (1-7).

Quotebook: Actor Tim Allen, as the dad on the sitcom, ``Last Man Standing": ``College is important. Without college there'd be no college football."

Feel the electricity: After Missoula police had to use tasers on two University of Montana players to break up a party, Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times reported the two were classified as ``day to day with a stinger."

The Pros

The Dallas Cows (3-4) rose to No. 5 with a 7-34 loss to Philadelphia, which did virtually everything right except for the play on which center Jason Kelce thought QB Michael Vick was taking a direct snap. Kelce hiked the ball up his own butt.

Vick, who was in shotgun formation, recovered the fumble but, as NBC broadcaster Chris Collinsworth, put it, this was a hike to file ``under the embarrassing category."

In another anatomical matter, Minnehaha defensive end Brian Robison was fined $20,000 for kicking Green Bay guard T.J. Lang in the groin during the previous week's game. Robison insisted he did not ``maliciously aim for genitalia," but would not say whether his errant kick was off to the left or to the right.

With the St. Louis Lambs' win over New Orleans (welcome back, Aints!), the ranks of the unwon dwindled to two: No. 1 Indianapolis (0-8) and No. 2 Miami (Fla.) (0-7).

The Dolts stayed on top despite the admission by Miami's Reggie Bush after a recent loss to Denver that ``right now the team stinks."

The No. 7 Buncos, with the Bad Tebow at quarterback, rebounded from that triumph to lose to Detroit 45-10. The Detroit Free Press pointed out that the NFL's website had billed the game as "Good vs. Evil." Afterward, Ndamukong Suh, the heavily-fined Detroit tackle, exulted: "Evil prevails."

Wreck, Record............ Last Loss............. Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-8)......... 10-27, Tennessee..... Atlanta

2. Miami (0-7)................... 17-20, N. J. Giants... Kansas City

3. Seattle (2-5).................. 12-34, Cincinnati...... Dallas

4. Arizona (1-6) .................27-30, Baltimore..... .St. Louis

5. Dallas (3-4)................... 7-34, Philadelphia.... Seattle

6. St. Louis (1-6); 7. Denver (2-5); 8. Washington (3-4); 9. Jacksonville (2-6); 10. San Diego (4-3).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Dallas (3-4) vs. Seattle (2-5).

Fantasy Flop of the Week (if not the year): Tennessee running back Chris Johnson, 14 carries, 34 yards, no TDs. (Johnson, who is averaging 2.8 yards per carry, has been held to 34 or fewer yards four times this season.)