Tampa Bay at worst when it really counts...

                                Jets' Rex Ryan puts himself into game at quarterback.

                                                     Oops! Johnny Manziel shows up for                                                                               
                                                     game in wrong uniform.

By Steve Harvey

Subscriptions Dept.

Bottom Ten

The Tampa Bay Bucs, the NFL's expansion-team emeritus, captured the Bottom Ten title with a clutch 20-23 loss to Old Orleans.

The Bucs (2-14) did win something---the rights to the No. 1 pick in the draft. They may select Marcus Mariota, Oregon's Heisman Trophy-winning QB, if they've heard of him.

The Bucs edged the Tennessee Titanic, also 2-14, for the title.

A special citation goes to No. 4 Cleveland, which lost its last five games, sparked by QB Johnny Shuffleboard. Commentator Ben Maller noted it was the 50th anniversary of the last Browns championship, adding: "Anyone can have an off half-century."

Meanwhile, exec George McCaskey of the No. 5 Chicago Bears, announced that the patience of his mother (and Bears owner) Virginia McCaskey has run out.

"She's pissed off," he told the Chicago Tribune. "I can't think of a 91-year-old woman that that description would apply (to), but in this case, I can't think of a more accurate description."

Unconfirmed reports said that Virginia McCaskey had threatened to give her son a time-out if the team didn't start winning.

                                Ndamukong Suh, performing his Surfer Stomp move


Wreck, Record ...............Last Loss.....................Playoff Seeding

1. Tampa Bay (2-14) .......20-23, Old Orleans........None

2. Tennessee (2-14)........ 10-27, Indy.....................Nil

3. Oakland (3-13) ............14-47, Denver................Nada

4. Cleveland (7-9) ............10-20, Baltimore...........You kidding?

5. Chicago (5-11).............. 9-13, Minnesota .........Hah!

6. Jacksonville (3-13); 7. Washington (4-12); 8. N.J. Jets (4-12);  9. Old Orleans (7-9); 10. Idle.

Crummy Game of the Week: Any Wild Card match.

Quotebook: Seattle Times columnist Dwight Perry, on the $11,050 fine levied against Seattle RB Marshawn Lynch for grabbing his crotch at the end of a 79-yard run against the Cardinals: "So what were you expecting_10 yards for illegal use of hands?

Most explosive headline of year (on Yahoo)? : Hottest Football Wives and Girlfriends

(Wait until the wives find out about the girlfriends!)

   

Your Official Bowl Bottom Ten!

By Steve Harvey
CEO, Bottom Ten

Give us a "Dislike"!

Bowls

It's a myth that any college team can receive a bowl invitation. Take Fresno State, for instance. The Bulldogs (6-7) had to crumble 13-52 in their opener to USC to draw some attention.

And they had to wind up losing more than half their games, qualifying for the Hawaii Bowl against Rice only because they somehow won the Western Division of the Mountain West Conference, one of football's highest honors.

And, in case, any more proof about the Bulldogs' qualifications were needed, they were ranked the 98th best team in football the other day in USA Today's Sagarin Ratings. 'Nuff said.

Another real post-season turkey is the Foster Farms Bowl, pitting (apt word) Maryland (7-5) vs. Stanford (7-5). Stanford evidently was chosen because it has a lot of reverse momentum going, having fallen from No. 11 in the pre-season Top 25 rankings to its current No. 37.

Speaking of duds, the Independence Bowl, which will always be the Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl to true fans, matches Miami (Fla.) and South Carolina, two teams with 12 defeats between them.

Hopefully this game will finally settle the age-old argument about who would win a game between the third-place team in the Atlantic Coast's Coastal Division and the fourth-place team in the Southeastern Conference's East Division. The suspense!

 Finally, TCU and Baylor, both 11-1 and both rejected by the playoff committee in favor of some team from the Big Ten, qualified for Bitterness Bowls I and II.


Name of Dud......................Teams
1. Hawaii Bowl................... Fresno State (6-7)* vs. Rice (7-5)
2. Pinstripe Bowl..................BC (7-5) vs. Penn State (6-6)
3. Foster Farms Bowl.......... Maryland (7-5) vs. Stanford (7-5)
4. Tax Slayer Bowl..............Tennessee (6-6) vs. Iowa (7-5)
5. Independence Bowl..........Miami (6-6) vs. South Carolina (6-6)
6. Texas Bowl......................Texas (6-6) vs. Arkansas (6-6)
7. Liberty Bowl....................W Va (7-5) vs Texas A$M (7-5)
8. Once-Great Teams Bowl..Nebraska (9-3) vs. USC (8-4)
9. Bitterness Bowl 1..............TCU (11-1) vs. Ole Miss (9-3)
9. Bitterness Bowl II..............Baylor (11-1) vs. Michigan State (10-2)
10. Bottom Ten Bowl*..........SMU (1-11) vs. Georgia State (1-11)
*Time, Date, City, State, Country, Hemisphere, TV coverage of Bottom Ten Bowl are minor details still to be worked out.

Pros

It's always sad when a great streak comes to an end. So it is with Jacksonville, which was an underdog in 42 straight games_just one short of the NFL record set by the St. Louis Rams from 2007 to 2009.

Alas, the cruel schedule-maker had the Jaguars play the Tennessee Titanic on Thursday and Jacksonville was made a 3-point favorite. No one, except possibly Fresno State, could be an underdog against Tennessee.

But it was the end of the Jags' streak.

And the Titanic dutifully sank to No. 1 in the Bottom Ten. Nothing is official yet, though, because NFL CPAs are still scrambling to certify the Titanic's previous 16-11 loss to the Jets, trying to determine how a football game could end with a 16-11 score.

Next week, things return to normal for Jacksonville. They play at Houston (7-7), which has already beaten them once. The Jags are expected to be 6-point underdogs. A new streak!


Wreck, Record............. Last Loss ........................Next Loss
1. Tennessee (2-13)....... 13-21, Jax......................... Indy
2. Oakland (2-12).......... 13-31, K.C. .....................Buffalo
3. Washington (3-11)..... 13-24, N.J. Giants........... Philadelphia
4. Jax (3-12) ...................Def. Tennessee, 21-13.... Houston
5. Cleveland (7-7)*......... 0-30, Cincy.................... Carolina
6. Grampa Bay (2-12); 7. Atlanta (5-9); 8. N.J. Giants (5-9); 9. Chicago (5-9)**; 10. Idle.
*With Johnny Football at QB (see above photo).
**With or without Cutler at QB.

The Troubles of The Ohio State, Oklahoma and UCLA

By Steve Harvey
Trending in the wrong direction

                                        1984: Caltech's greatest (fake) gridiron moment   

Traditionals

UCLA, Ohio State and Oklahoma are pretty much strangers to the Bottom Ten_except in the category of some famous rivalries. The above three all play in traditionals in which they have losing records.

Yes, that's "The" Ohio State, which more often than not gets whipped by The Michigan. Oklahoma is below.500 lifetime against Texas.

One of the biggest losers in well known traditionals is UCLA, which has an overall 31-44-7 record against USC. One reason is that UCLA, founded four decades after USC, posted a 2-13-3, pre-1950 record vs. Troy.

The beginner Bruins lost their first two games to the Trojans by scores of 0-76 (1929) and 0-52 (1930). The series was so one-sided that USC refused to play UCLA again until 1936, when the Bruins were starting to get their act together.

Of course, now that UCLA has won its last 3 games against USC, perhaps it's time for the Bruins to propose a break in the series so that USC can regroup.

One of the oddest rivalries involves MIT and Caltech. During the 1984 Rose Bowl, the Pasadena scoreboard announced that Caltech was leading MIT, 38-9 in the fourth quarter (see above).

Actually, it was a hoax_UCLA was leading Illinois by that score. Caltech pranksters had re-wired the scoreboard to make it appear that Caltech was playing MIT. But the Bottom Ten doesn't quibble over such minor details. The BT charged MIT with the loss.

  Team.................. Record vs. Traditional Rival
1. Georgia Tech   (40-64-5, 385 vs. Georgia)
2. UCLA............ (31-44-7, .413 vs. USC)
3. Oklahoma....... (44-60-5, .422 vs. Texas)
4. Oregon State... (46-62-10, .426 ) vs. Oregon)
5. Cal...................(46-60-11, .434 vs. Stanford)
6. USC ................(35-45-5, .438 vs. Notre Dame).
7. Ohio State....... (46-58-6, .442 vs. Michigan)
8. Auburn............ (35-43-1. 449) vs. Alabama)
9. Florida State.... (28-31, .474 vs. Miami Fla., (not Miami Ohio)
10. MIT................(0-1, .000 vs. Caltech)

Pros

                                          Angry Jets' fans demand changes at top

What a performance by the Raiders' defense against St. Louis. The Rams were just 1 for 8 trying to convert third-down situations into first downs.

True, the Rams didn't particularly care because they led 38-0 at the half and increased the lead to 52-0. At that point, I think, the NFL "mercy rule" was called and the game was declared over. (I forget who brought snacks for afterward).

For the Raiders the good news is they won't be able to match Detroit's 2008 record of 0-16. Somehow the Raiders have already won a game this year.

Oakland, it goes without saying, is the Bottom Ten leader, followed by the N.J. Jets. The Jets_and GM John Idzik_were so excited abut the recent invention of the forward pass the team actually threw 13 times against Miami, completing seven for a whopping 65 yards. Somehow the Jets lost, 13-16.

They're just one slot ahead of their New Jersey brothers, the Giants, who blew a 21-0 lead and fell to none other than 2-10 Jacksonville, 24-25.

 Afterward, Giants RB Rashad Jennings said, "I don't know an English word to explain the way we feel." As usual,  the French have a word for it: terrible.


Wreck, Record .............Last Loss................... Next Loss
1. Oakland (1-11)........... 0-52, St. Louis............ S.F.
2. N.J. Jets (2-10........... 13-16, Miami (Fla.)...... Minnehaha
3. N.J. Giants (3-9)........ 24-25, Jacksonville...... Tennessee
4. Tennessee (2-10)....... 21-45, Houston............ N.J. Giants
5. Washington (3-9)...... 27-49, Indy................... St.Louis
6. Tampa Bay (2-10; 7. Jacksonville (2-10; 8. Carolina (3-8-1); 9. Chicago (5-8); 10. Idle.

Special Citation: Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times notes: "In four games against Seattle over the past two years, 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick has completed more passes to the Seahawks (5) than his own receivers (4) in the 15 times he's tested cornerback Richard Sherman. "

Thus he's had to stay after school (see below).

Mustangs (like Bottom Ten) Plodding

By Steve Harvey
First-Time Caller, Long-Time Listener

                                         UCLA owns L.A., including the former USC Trojans
                                                                             (Photo by Jill Stewart Sanford)

Colleges

The SMU Mustangs play in a horseshoe-shaped stadium, which may explain why the team has been so lame in recent years.

This season the 0-10 Mustangs are two losses from a Bottom Ten title and the cherished prize that comes with it: a cheddar-cheese sculpture of Ryan Leaf being sacked.

SMU, the only winless major college in the U.S., seems down to the challenge.

But the big test may come when SMU plays U Conn't (2-8) on Dec. 6.

First, of course,  the Mustangs must lose to Houston Friday. One SMU site said there are 1,723 tickets available "from $6."

However, we understand that the school is actually willing to pay spectators as much as $10 to attend.

Playoff Rankings (if there was a Bottom Ten playoff)

Team, Record......... Last Loss ......................Next Loss
1. SMU (0-10)........... 7-53, UCF ......................Houston
2. Georgia St (1-10)... 0-28, Clemson............... Texas St
3. UNLV (2-10)....... 35-37, Hawaii ..................Nevada
4. Kent State (1-9).... 20-30, Bowling (Green)...Buffalo
5. Idaho (1-9) ...........17-34, Troy..................... App St
6. Colorado (2-9)..... 10-44, Arizona .................Utah
7. E Michigan (2-9).. 30-45, Ball St.................. Toledo
8. U Conn't (2-8) ........0-41, Cincinnati............  Memphis
9. Iowa State (2-8).... 31-34, Texas Tech...........W. Va.
10. Purdon't (3-8)..... 14-38, Northwestern.........Indiana

Crummy Game of the Week: Kent State (1-9) vs. vanishing Buffalo (4-6).

Now it can be told: Several days before UCLA routed SC, 38-20, reader Jill Stewart Sanford noticed that an ESPN graphic predicted that the Bruins would not only win but would take prisoners (see photo above).

The Pros

                                          T.Y. Hilton cradles football to honor new daughter

True, the Jets were routed, 3-38, by Buffalo to seize the Bottom Ten lead. But the good news for any Jets fans who attended was that tickets were free for the game, which was played in Detroit because of snow problems in Buffalo.

That worked so well that NFL officials are said to be looking into the possibility of making all tickets to Jets games free.

Funny thing is, the Jets would be vastly improved if they could find a decent QB_someone like, oh, say, Mark Sanchez, who has had three straight 300-yard games.

But enough about wins and losses. Let's talk about the really important things_the post-touchdown celebrations.

First, there was Indy receiver T.Y. Hilton tenderly holding a football in the end zone in honor of his daughter's birth earlier that day.

Then there was Buffalo receiver Scott Chandler mimicking a shoveling motion in the end zone to thank those Bills fans who traveled all the way to Detroit.

Either that, or Chandler was demonstrating how the Bills were burying the Jets.

Wreck, Record.......... Last Loss..................... Next Loss
1.N.J. Jets (2-9)........... 3-38, Buffalo................ Miami (Fla.)
2. Washington (3-8).. 13-17, S.F........................Indy
3. Jax (1-10)............... 3-23, Indy.......................Giants
4. Raiders (1-10)........ Def. K.C., 24-20 (!)........St. Louis
5. Old Orleans (4-7)... 27-34, Baltimore.............Pitts
6. Grampa Bay (2-9); 7. N.J. Giants (3-8); 8. Tennessee (2-9); 9. Carolina (3-7-1); 10. Philadelphia 76ers (0-14).

Rout of the Week: Indy (7-4) over Washington (3-8).

Crummy Game of the Week: Jax (1-10) vs. N.J. Giants (3-8).

Mr. MVP: Going into 2014, Atlanta running back Steven Jackson has played on 10 straight non-winning teams. This year Atlanta is 4-7. No. 11, coming up!

SMU One Stumble Closer to Title

By Steve Harvey
Rank Person

Colleges

SMU nearly blew the lead in the Bottom Ten but managed to pull out a dramatic 13-14 loss to South Florida to stay No. 1.

Poor No. 2 Georgia State (1-9). A season-opening 38-37 win over Abilene Christian is all that has kept the school from having a chance for a winless record. The BT race isn't over yet, though. The Bottom Ten Playoffs Selection Committee is still said to be "low" on the Panthers (the greatest praise a Bottom Ten team can receive).

There were dramatic happs elsewhere with Weber State (2-9) taking over No. 10 after the NCAA had slapped the school with penalties following revelations that a math instructor had completed quizzes and tests for five players.

The shenanigans evidently didn't make much of a difference. Weber is 2-9 this year after going 2-10 in 2013 and 2-9 in 2012.

The scandal came about, incidentally, after another instructor became suspicious upon discovering that one student had competed six quizzes and a final exam in less than an hour.

Statistics are incomplete in this area but it is believed that the student bettered the old NCAA record of six quizzes and a final exam in 63 minutes, 30 seconds, set several years ago by a Florida State wide receiver.

Colleges

Football Powerless Index

Team, Record................ Last Loss.....................Next Loss
1. SMU (0-9)................ 13-14, So Fla..................Cent Fla
2. Georgia St (1-9)........ Idle ................................Clemson
3. Kent State (1-9)........ 20-30, Bowling (Green) Snow
4. Idaho (1-9)............... 17-34, Troy.................... App St
5. Colorado (2-8) .........20-38, Ariz .....................Oregon
6. E Mich (2-8) .............7-51, W Michigan......... Ball State
7. Iowa State (3-7)........ Idle................................ Texas Tech
8. Vanderbilt (3-7)....... 10-34, Florida................. Miss St
9. UNLV (2-9)..............23-42, BYU................... Hawaii
10.Weber State (2-9).... Def. N Colo, 34-21..........Idaho St

Routs of the Week (regionals): Colorado (2-8) at Oregon (9-1) (West); Vanderbilt (3-7) at Miss State (9-1) (South); Snow vs. Buffalo (East).

Dishonorable mention: The Southeastern Conference fined Arkansas $25,000 after fans stormed the field following a win over then-No. 20 LSU. The conference reminded Arkansas that only players, coaches, officials and irrelevant sideline reporters are allowed on the field.

The Pros

"Just Win Maybe?" pleaded the placard of one rooter. And, incredible as it might seem, the Raiders (1-10) did win, ending a 16-game losing streak and underscoring the old saying, "On any given Thursday, any team in the NFL can beat any other team, though why they have to play on a Thursday and screw up the Bottom Ten rankings, we're not sure."

Earlier,  the NFL announced that Oakland has been mathematically eliminated from the Super Bowl competition.  (Amazing what calculations those highly-powered computers of today can make.) And now the Raiders have been ejected from the worst-of-the-worst race.

Meanwhile, rising to the top of the bottom is Washington (3-7),  where the players seem to be in revolt.  QB Robert Griffin III, critical of the team and himself following a 7-27 loss to Grampa Bay, later felt the need to tweet: "I would never throw my teammates under the bus!"

 It was an odd comment coming just a few weeks after the team bus had crashed on the way to a game.

Washington players were said to be nervous that they'll be boarding a bus this weekend in San Francisco, city of high bridges.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss............... Next Loss
1. Washington (3-7)......7-27, Grampa Bay....S.F.
2. Oakland (1-10)         Def. K.C., 24-20......St. L
3. Jax (1-9)................... Idle......................... Indy
4. Old Orleans (4-6).... 10-27, Cincinnati..... Baltimore
5. Tennessee (2-8)....... 24-27, Pitts.............. Philadelphia
6. (Tie) N.J. Jets (2-8) and N.J. Giants (3-7); 8. Minnehaha (4-6); 9. Carolina (3-7-1); 10. NFC South (13-27-1)

Rout of the Week: S.F. (6-4) over Washington (3-7) (only rout scheduled).

Nutty Play of the Week: Aints fan Tony Williams was lambasted by the media after intercepting a souvenir football that a Bengals player had thrown into the stands to Bengals fan Christa Barrett. The New Orleans Times-Picayune said that Williams contended that Aints fans always jockey for position in those situations, similiar to how Mardi Gras "parade-goers compete for Zulu coconuts."

Welcome back, Grampa Bay!

                                          Oregon, front left, in Bottom Ten glory days.

By Steve Harvey
Not the funny one

Colleges

It seemed like old times last weekend, with such crucial games as Kansas State vs. TCU and Oregon vs. Utah. But wait! These were Top 25 crucials, not Bottom Ten crucials, like they used to be.

 Bottom Ten selectors could only shake their heads at how the world has turned upside down.

The Horney Frogs of TCU are 8-1. The former Sitting Ducks of Oregon are 9-1.

What? You say the 0-0 tie in 1983 between Oregon and the Meager Beavers of Oregon State is just a faint memory now? Wasn't that the game that inspired the myth that security guards threatened to lock the gates until someone---anyone!---scored? What great memories.

Next you'll tell me Mississippi State is a Top 25 contender.

At least, SMU is continuing the losing tradition. The football program was given the death penalty (banned from competing) for the 1987 and '88 seasons for multiple infractions, including boosters' payments to players.

SMU was banned from every set of rankings, except of course the always-forgiving Bottom Ten.

 Now, as the only winless major team, the Mustangs may capture still another title.

They have, by the way, defeated only two ranked teams since the death sentence was carried out against them. It's difficult to recover from the death penalty.

School, Record......... Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. SMU (0-8)..............28-38, Tulsa............. S Fla
2. Georgia St (1-9) .....21-45, Troy.............. Idle
3. Idaho (1-8) .............21-35 San Diego St.. Troy
4. Kent St (1-8).......... 20-30, Toledo........... Green (Bowling)
5. UNLV (2-8)............21-48, Air Force....... BYU
6. Colorado (2-8)........ 20-38, Arizona .........Idle
7. Weak Forest (2-7)... 20-34, Clemson ........N.C. St
8. Iowa St (2-7)........... 14-34, Kansas........... Idle
9. Syracuse (3-7) .........10-27, Duke ..............Pitts
10.Vanderbilt (3-7)..... 10-34, Florida............ Idle

Quotebook: From readers Ron and Bev Haramia, re. reports that hundreds of Univ. of North Carolina athletes received A's and B's in nonexistent classes over a period of several years: "What is worse? Taking a nonexistent class or getting a B in it?"

Pros

It was also like old times in the NFL, seeing Grampa Bay (1-8) galloping out to the lead in the Bottom Ten race.

In the 1970s, the Bucs became history's worst expansion team, losing their first 26 games. When coach John McKay was asked what he thought of the execution of tht Bucs, he responded: "I'm in favor of it."

The Bucs ascended to the top of the bottom this week with a 17-27 loss to the Lost Team of Atlantis. But being No. 1 means everyone else out there is revved up to lose to you. And the Bucs won't find it that easy to be outscored by Washington.

Right behind them, of course, is Oakland (0-9), wounded and insulted.  Against the Raiders, Broncos coach John Fox, a candidate for Sportsman of the Week, protested an interception call with 2:46 left to play and his team leading, 10-41. Hey, you can't be too safe.

Meanwhile, Oakland coach Tony Sparano said afterward, "We gotta stay the course." The captain of the Titanic couldn't have said it better.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss.............. Next Loss
1. Grampa Bay (1-8)... 17-27, Atlantis........ Washington
2. Oakland (0-9).......... 17-41, Denver ........San Diego
3. Jax (1-9) ..................17-31, Dallas............Idle
4. Chicago (3-6) ..........14-55, Green Bay.... Minnehaha
5. Tennessee (2-7)......... 7-21, Baltimore...... The Pitts
6. N.J. Jets (2-8); 7. Washington (3-6); 8. Atlantis (3-6); 9. New Orleans (4-5); 10. Carolina's offensive line (allowed its QB, Cam Newton, to be sacked 9 times vs. Philadelphia).

Rout of the Week:  San Diego over Oakland_in football_ but visiting Raiders fans will rout terrified San Diego season-ticket holders in the stands at Petco Park (see correction at bottom of column).

Quotebook: Cincinnati rookie runningback Jeremy Hill, asked to rate Cleveland Browns: "They're probably worse than I thought." Doesn't say much for Cincinnati, which had just lost to the Browns, 3-24.

Hashtag of the year: Dallas chose this unfortunate combination of letters for stories about its journey to London: #CowboysUK (highlights are mine; or should I say, lowlights?).

Re. the Rout of the Week: Whitney Skala writes: "Steve!!! Petco is our baseball stadium. Qualcomm is our football stadium. So, if the Raiders indeed descend upon Petco Park when their On-Loan-From-the-Redskins bus driver mistakenly takes them there, the Raiders most definitely will not be in a forgiving mood."

The SMUs Vying for Invite to Bottom Ten Playoffs

                                        

                                            Cal State Queen Mary, undefeated, winless.


By Steve Harvey
Stupor Bowl Director

The Colleges

For teams in the Bottom Ten, the end of daylight saving time was nothing to celebrate. It only meant that their seasons were one hour longer.

But positive-thinking BT selectors pointed out that setting back the clocks just heightened the suspense in the BT race, especially with the puzzling entrance of Cal State Long Beach (0-0) due to a computer error.

The 49ers (aka Cal State Queen Mary) have no wins this season. On the other hand, they have no losses, having given up the sport in 1991.

The Cal State confusion overshadowed this week's  Bottom Ten match of the century: No. 1 SMU (0-7) vs. No. 3 Tulsa (1-7). Yes, they don't get any smaller than this. It's a must-lose game for each team, as the saying goes.

In the meantime, Johns Hopkins University announced it had begun a study of the disorienting effect of placing college teams in conferences far from their campuses. 

Among those who have suffered are Massachusetts (2-7), lost in the Mid-American Conference;  Idaho (1-7), reeling about in the Sun Belt Conference; and of course, the Pac 12's beach-city team, Colorado (2-7).


School, Record ............Last Loss......... Next Loss
1. SMU (0-7)................ Idle ...................Tulsa

1. Cal State LB (0-0).... Idle ....................Idle

3. Tulsa (1-7)................ 20-40, Memphis SMU

4. Georgia St (1-8)......... 0-44, App State Troy

5. Idaho (1-7) ...............28-44, Ark St..... San Diego State

6. Troy (1-8)................ 10-42, Ga South. Idle

7. Weak Forest (2-6).... Idle .....................Clemson

8. UNLV (2-7)............ 28-31, New Mex. Air Force

9. New Mex St (2-7).... 29-37, Texas St ...La. Lafayette
10. E Mich (2-7)........... 7-38, Cent Mich...Idle

Quotebook: ESPN radio's Colin Cowherd ripped Michigan for having a QB who wears No. 98. Guess he doesn't know it's a tribute to Tom ("Old 98") Harmon, Michigan's Heisman Trophy-winning tailback of the 1940s who was voted 16th greatest college player ever in a 2007 poll by...ESPN.

Latest blow to journalism: LA Daily News' Scott Wolf reports that cornerback Adoree Jackson ran over a photographer in the end zone, explaining later that he thought the photog "was a trash can and I tried to push it out of the way."

                                           

                                          Miami, not used to winning, accidentally drenches ref                                                                                                                      

                                          with Gatorade after 0-37 win over San "No D"Iego.

The Pros

"In a league built on parity, the Jets have become parody," rightly noted Ben Shpigel of the New York Times.

As if their 1-8 record isn't evidence enough,  the Jets also learned their takeway total of 3 in 9 games, is the lowest total by any team in that period since 1940 (Peyton Manning's rookie
year).

And who do the Jets get next? The Pitts.

Let's face it, the Jets' season has been one long train wreck. Now, for a bus wreck, we turn to the Washington Redskins, whose bus crashed on the way to Sunday's game (see photo below).

"A little unique way to start the day, when you're getting ready for a football game and you're five feet from driving off a cliff," said coach Jay Gruden, who suffered a whiplash.

Rattled Washington went on to lose, 26-29 to Minnehaha.

And in honor of Halloween, a couple of zombies, Mark Sanchez and Alex Smith, arose from the dead to register victories while their old teams (the Jets and 49ers) met defeat.


Wreck, Record........... Last Loss ............Next Loss
1. N.J. Jets (1-8).......... 10-24, K.C.......... The Pitts
2. Oakland (0-8).......... 24-30, Seattle...... Oakland
3. Atlanta (2-6)........... Idle..................... Grampa Bay
4. Washington (3-6).... 26-29, Minneha... Off
5. L.A. Lakers (0-5).. 106-112, Phoenix...Charlotte
6. Jax (1-8); 7. Grampa Bay (1-7); 8. Chicago (3-5); 9. N.J. Giants (3-5); 10. Tie) Frisco (4-4)

and San Iego* (5-4).
 *Chargers have no "D."

Crummy Game of the Week: Atlanta (2-6) vs. Grampa Bay (1-7).

Rout of the Week: Jets (1-8) vs. the Pitts (6-3).

Quotebook: O.C. Register columnist Steve Fryer caught Monday Night Football broadcaster Jon Gruden uttering this nonsense after the N.J. Giants scored in the third quarter to cut the Indy Colts' lead to 23-9: "It's a new ball game!" The Giants lost, 40-24.

                                         Redskins' bus having bad year, too

Who's the Most Overpaid Coach?

By Steve Harvey
Inhuman Resources

Colleges 

OK, it's job evaluation time here at the halfway point of the Bottom Ten season.

Who's getting the least for the buck? That would appear to be the University of Texas, which is shelling out $5 million a year for coach Charlie Strong. The Short Horns are 3-5. So far, those wins have cost $1.67 million apiece.

Other non-bargains include Michigan's Brady Hoke_3 wins on a $4.3 million salary_and Florida's Will Muschamp_3 wins for $3 million.

Muschamp said he was adopting a bunker mentality, prompting reader Bill Littlejohn to ask Seattle Times columnist Dwight Perry: "Which one, Archie or Edith?"

As for the Trojans of No.7 Steve Sarkisian: On SC's VERY objective pre-game show last weekend, the analysts said that Utah's offense "was anemic" and "just not there" and predicted that USC would be too much of a "step up in competition." Naturally, Utah won 24-21.

If you get out a telescope, you might be able to get a glimpse of the Trojans, now in 4th place of the Pac-12's South Division with their $4 million dollar catch.

Coach, Team, Record............Salary...........Cost Per Win
1. Strong (Texas) (3-5)............$5 million.......$1.67 million
2. Hoke (Mich.) (3-5) .............$4.3 million....$1.43 million
3. Saban (Ala.) (7-1).............. $7.3 million.....$1.04 million
4. Sumlin (Texas A$M) (5-3) $5 milllion...... $1 million
5. Franklin (Penn St) (4-3)......$4 million........$1 million
6. Muschamp (Fla.) (3-3)....... $3 million.........$1million
7. Spurrier (S.C.)  (4-4) ..........$4 million........ $1million
8. Stoops (Okla.) (5-2)........... $4.75 million....$940,000
9. Sarkisian (USC) (5-3) ........$4.2 million......$850,000
10. Ferentz (Iowa) (5-2)..........$4 million.........$800,000

                                         Finally! New Orleans beats Carolina to end 7-game                                       
                                         losing streak on road
The Pros

Lowlight of last weekend's NFL action? Wall Street Journal reporter Kevin Clark tweeted that "CBS came back from a break to remind viewers that this Raiders-Browns game is brought you by the sequel to 'Dumb and Dumber.' Really."

Who else would sponsor a team with an 0-7 record?

Chatsports.com noted that since the No. 1 Raiders last had a winning season, the world has seen such happenings as the launching of Facebook, the invention of smart phones, the birth of some 800 million people, the firing of 6 Raiders coaches, and the the Raiders' usage of 15 different starters at QB (oh, where have you gone, Jamarcus Russell?).

The team's last winning season, incidentally, was 2002.

Is it any wonder that when the NBA recently experimented with 11-minute quarters in an exhibition game, the Raiders reportedly asked if the NFL couldn't experiment with 11-minute games?

Getting back to "Dumber and Dumber," football version:  Buffalo's Sammy Watkins caught what would have been a long TD pass from QB Kyle Orton against the No. 2 Jets, except that he slowed down on his way to the end zone and pointed sarcastically into the MetLife Stadium stands.

And the Jets' Saalim Hakim tackled him from behind. No TD. Not that that matters when you're playing the Jets, who fell to Buffalo, 23-43.

Wreck, Record.......... Last Loss................  Next Loss

1. Oakland (0-7).......... 13-23, Cleveland...... Seattle
2. N.J. Jets (1-7).......... 23-43, Buffalo.......... K.C.
3. Tennessee (2-6)....... 16-30, Houston........ Off
4. Chicago (3-5).......... 23-51, New England.Off
5. K.C. Royals (3-4).... 2-3, S.F.....................Off
6. Jacksonville (1-7); 7. St. Louis (2-5); 8. Idle; 9. Grampa Bay (1-6); 10. NFC South (10-21).

Quotebook 1: Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald on Dallas Cowboys' decision not to suspend receiver Joseph Randle, a suspected shoplifter: "Instead, they chose to think of him as this week's team leader in takeaways."

Quotebook 2: Comic Alan Ray, in the Seattle Times'' Sideline column, on how to know if you're trick-or-treating at a Jets' receiver's house: "He's the one with the Butterfingers."

Kiffin Synonymous With 'Villain' in Tennessee

                                         If you think USC fans aren't fond of Kiffin...

By Steve Harvey
Team Member


THE COLLEGES

Welcome to the Bottom Ten. But, first, a political ad (17 seconds).

Lane Kiffin has still not been forgiven for leaving the head coaching job at Tennessee after 14 months to take the same position at USC. Kiffin is, in fact, so reviled in the Volunteer State that he's in a political attack ad there (see above).

Eddie Smith, a candidate for the Tennessee House of Reps, has charged that opponent Gloria Johnson, the incumbent, has "made a lot of big promises...like Lane Kiffin" and is "all talk" like Kiffin, now an assistant at Alabama, where he is no talk (coach Nick Saban does not allow his minions to speak to the press).

 Now back to your regularly scheduled Bottom Ten.

For the eighth straight week, the No. 1 team was dethroned. The most recent leaders to tumble were the Texas Short Horns and the Michigan Woe-verines.

In a controversial move, the selectors re-admitted Miami (Oh!) to No. 1 despite a 42-41 victory over Ole Mass on their record. Of course, Miami (1-7) does lead the nation in defeats.

North Carolina (3-4) moved up to No. 2 amid indications its won-lost record may be altered. The New York Times reported  an investigation found that  that more than 3,100 UNC students, 47.6% of them athletes, received As and Bs in nonexistent  classes. UNC, according to one report, is expected to forfeit every victory in every sport over the last 117 years, except, possibly, one 1968 debate squad match.

Team, Record............ Last Loss.................. Next Loss
1. Miami (Oh?) (1-7)... 41-51, N Ill................ Kent State
2. No Carolina (3-4).... Def. Ga Tech, 48-43..Va
3. SMU (0-6)............... 3-41, Cincinnati......... Memphis
4. Tulsa (1-6).............. 30-38, S. Florida......... Idle
5. Troy (1-6)............... 14-53, App  St...........  S Bama
6. Georgia St (1-6)...... 27-30, S Bama........... Ga Sou
7. New Mexico (2-5).. 31-35, Air Force......... UNLV
8. Kent State (1-6)....... Def. Army 39-7.......... Miami (Oh!)

9. Kansas (2-5)..............21-34, Texas Tech......Baylor

10. Colorado (2-5)....... 28-56, USC................ UCLA

Note from Andy Furillo, Bottom Ten's Sacramento bureau chief: "Looking forward to Saturday's Big "Ten" traditional between Nebraska and Rutgers."

                                  An opposing player openly mocks Raiders

THE PROS

Still another guest Bottom Ten selector popped up_sidelined Arizona defensive end Darnell Dockett, who taunted Raiders fans with a sign that said: "Worst Team in NFL...0-6" (see above).

Hey, no hard feelings---Dockett drew a smiley face inside the 0.

As Dockett forecast, the Raiders lost and were elevated to No. 1.

But Oakland might still get a fight from the 1-6 New Jersey Jets, who fell to New England, 25-27.

The Jets did so by extending one of the most beloved streaks in the NFL. For the 69th straight game, they failed to make a 2-point conversion, most notably at the end of the game when they could have sent it into overtime.

Wreck, Record ..........Last Loss.................. Next Loss

1. N.J. Jets (1-6)......... 25-27, New England.. Buffalo

2. Oakland (0-6)......... 13-24, Arizona........... Cleveland

3. Atlantis (2-5)............ 7-29, Baltimore..........Detroit

4. Tennessee (2-5)...... 17-19, Washington......Houston

5. Grampa Bay (1-5).... Off ............................Minnehaha............

6.  Jacksonville (1-6);  7. Minnehahha (2-5); 8. Washington (2-5); 9. N.J. Giants (3-4); 10. The Chicago Bears locker room, starring Brandon Marshall.

And the Eyes of Texas Looked on in Disbelief...

By Steve Harvey
Spores Editor

THE COLLEGES

Everything is bigger in Texas, including losing college football teams.

The state's Short Horns have taken over No. 1 in the Bottom Ten, following a 26-31 loss to Oklahoma. Texas replaced Michigan, which shocked Penn State, 18-13.

Bottom Ten selectors, apparently angry over being made to look unknowledgeable by Michigan_not that this was the first time_angrily announced that the Wolverines were suspended from the rankings indefinitely. There was talk about a lifetime ban.

While Michigan had gone into the game with two wins, the selectors were hoping that the Wolverines' star appeal would lead to the creation of a Bottom Ten reality show.

Now the BT's cable division must depend on Texas, which meets Iowa State (2-4). The Short Horns, rejecting the current up-tempo strategy, reportedly intend to introduce a down-tempo offense, the goal being to run off less than 12 plays per game in order to cut down on their own fumbles, interceptions, etc.

 School, Record........ Last Loss.................. Next Loss
1. Texas (2-4)........... 26-31, Oklahoma........ Iowa State
2. Kent State (0-6)..... 17-40, Ole Mass......... Army
3. Ball State (1-5)........38-42, W Mich.......... Central Mich
4. Wash. State (2-5)... 17-34, Stanford.......... Arizona
5. Idaho (0-6)..............24-47, Ga South........ New Mexico St
6. Georgia State (1-5)..10-52, Arkansas........ So Alabama
7. App St (1-5) ...........48-55, Liberty........... Troy
8. People who talk about apps..................................................
9. SMU (0-5)...............Idle........................... Cincinnati
10. Ole Mass (1-6).......Def. Kent St 40-17... E Michigan
122. UCLA (ranking among 125 top-level teams in protecting its quarterback; Bruins allow 4.17 sacks per game).

Crummy Game of the Week: Texas (2-4) vs. Iowa State (2-4).

Worst Guests Dept.: The L.A. Daily News' Scott Wolf reports that USC football players destroyed a temporary wall in a ballroom at the Omni Los Angeles hotel in what was described as a pre-planned "free for all" before an Oct. 4 loss to Arizona State.  The next week, the  Trojans left a hole in the wall of the visitors' locker room at Arizona Stadium.

T-Shirt of the Week: OC Register columnist Steve Fryer notes that, for this week's Notre Dame-Fla. State game, Irish rooters devised a shirt paying tribute to arrest of Seminoles QB Jameis Winston for shoplifting seafood. The shirt shows a smiling crab with the caption, "Catholics vs. Criminoles."

Quotebook: UCLA coach Jim Mora said disciplinary measures against players would "be handled in-house." Better than out-house?

PROS

This week's guest Bottom Ten voter_though he didn't know it_was Denver tight end Julius Thomas. After catching his second TD pass in a 17-31 drubbing of the fuel-less Jets, Thomas was overheard exclaiming, "It's so easy."

It was just as simple for the rest of the voters to elevate the Jets (1-5) to No. 1 in the Bottom Ten.

Meanwhile, a few days before the Raiders' game against San Diego, new interim Raiders coach Tony Sparano called the team to together and had a hole dug in the turf. Several players rushed to his side, fearing that Sparano despaired of ever winning and was going to jump in the hole.

But instead Sparano buried a football as a symbolic good-bye gesture to the Dennis Allen era.

The burial was carried out. But, unfortunately for the Raiders, officials were able to find another ball to use and the Raiders continued their losing ways, 28-31, to San Diego_a nice try.

Bottom Ten selectors care nothing about nice tries.

Elsewhere, satellite photos indicated that the island of Atlantis (2-4) had sunk into the Atlantic, its Super Bowl chances purely mythical.


Team, Record............. Last Loss............ Next Loss
1.N.y. Jets (1-5).......... 17-31, Denver....... New England
2. Raiders (0-5)........... 28-31, S Diego..... Arizona
3. Jax (0-6).................. 14-16, Tennessee...Cleveland
4. Grampa Bay (1-5)... 17-48, Baltimore... Off
5. Balt. O's (0-4)........... 1-2, K.C. .............Done
6. Washington (1-5);  7. St. Louis (1-4); 8. Atlantis (2-4); 9. New Orleans (2-3); 10. Miami (Fla.) (2-3).

Crummy Game of the Week: Tennessee (2-4) at Washington (1-5).

Last week's (unintentionally) funniest pre-game ESPN promo (for Green Bay-Miami game): "Can the Packers dominate or will the Dolphins win their second straight?" Ooh. The suspense!

                    Raiders coach Tony Sparano: Trying to fill hole in offensive line?

USC's Prevent (Victory) Defense Does It Again

                                     The Oregon Duck after  24-31 loss to Arizona

By Steve Harvey
Senior Couch Potato

COLLEGES

What a shake-up in the college rankings after last weekend's upsets, eh?

I'm of course referring to the 42-41 upset thrashing by No. 1 Miami (Oh!) of Ole Mass (0-6), sending Miami down, down, down to No. 7 in the Bottom Ten rankings. If you win, you pay the price in the Bottom Ten.

Ole Mass played so well in defeat it was dropped from No. 1 to No. 2.

And the new No. 1 is Michigan, a 24-26 loser to mighty Rutgers. It was the extinct Wolverines' 10th setback in 14 games.

USC's  Trojans returned to No. 10 after displaying the worst Prevent (Victory) Defense in the nation against Arizona State. The Sun Devils beat them, 34-38, on a Hail Mary pass by Devils QB Mike Bercovici, who threw for 221 yards in the final 6:26. That works out to 2,095 yards for a 60-minute game. And Bercovici was the second-string QB.

The Trojans incidentally gave up 510 yards through the air vs. the Sun Devils. A few weeks earlier, they gave up 452 yards on the ground to Boston College. Talk about a versatile defense.

Of course, for USC, it's all jus a warmup for the Las Vegas Bowl.


Team, Record........... Last Loss*............... Next Loss
1. Michigan (2-4)...... 24-26, Rutgers........... Penn St
2. Ole Mass (0-6)...... 41-42, Miami (O)........Kent State
3. SMU (0-5)............ 24-45, E Carolina....... Cincy
4. Troy (0-5)............. Idle............................. N Mexico St
5. UNLV (1-5) .........10-33, San Jose St...... Fresno St
6. 1-5 Freeway.......... Worst  Ground Game in Nation
7. Miami (Oh!) (1-5). Def. Ole Mass, 42-41...Akron
8. Idaho (0-5)...........  30-35, Texas St............Ga. Southern
9. You Con (1-4)...... 10-36, Temple............. Two Lane
10. USC (3-2)........... 34-38, Arizona St........ Arizona

*Some scores may be incomplete due to power outages of Bottom Ten computers.

Crummy Game of Week: Ole Mass (0-6) vs. Kent State (0-5)


THE PROS

No less an authority than Jim Rome calls it the funniest Thursday TV program since "Friends." He's referring to the NFL's Thursday Night Football on CBS, which has presented four straight duds featuring losers who resembled the Keystone Kops.

Last week, Minnehaha fell to Green Bay, 10-42. In the weeks before that, Washington was routed by the Giants 14-45, Grampa Bay was eviscerated by Atlanta 14-56 and the Pitts fell 6-26 to Baltimore. That's an average margin of 31 points per game.

"It (Thursday Night Football) sucks man, I hate it," offensive lineman Josh Sitton told a Milwaukee reporter a few days before his game vs. Minnehaha. "I felt like crap today. Will probably feel like crap on Thursday. I think it's stupid. I think it's all about money for the NFL."

Next Thursday laughfest: Houston against Indy.

Elsewhere, the Beagles tried to become the first team in history to blow a 27-point lead. Luckily for them they were playing the hapless (Please Don't Move to L.A.) Rams. Final score: Beagles 34, Rams 28.

Team, Record........ Last Loss.............. Next Loss
1. Thurs Night FB..10-42, G. Bay....... Indy vs. Houston
 2. Jax (0-5)............. 9-17, Pitts............ Tennessee
3. N.J. Jets (1-4)...... 0-31, San Diego ..Denver
4. Oakland (0-4)...... Off...................... San Diego
5. Washingon (1-4) 17-27, Seattle....... Arizona
6. St. Louis (1-3); 7. Grampa Bay (1-4); 8. Idle; 9. Minnesota (2-3); 10. Chicago (2-3).

Quotebook: "I apologize to our fans---those that are left," Jets coach Rex Ryan said after a 0-31 loss to San Diego. Hey, coach, the Bottom Ten will always be a fan!

Taking the "foot" out of football: Detroit has missed 8 of 12 field goal attempts this year. Write to Detroit, not to me, if you want a tryout.

                                             Cleveland Browns fans absorb a lot of pain

View photo

.

Miserable Michigan makes its move

By Steve Harvey
Miscommunications Dept.

COLLEGES

It's shaping up as the Bottom Ten event of the year: two of the losingest teams in the nation, Ole Mass (0-5) and Miami (Oh!) (0-5) will bump into each other and try not to fall down.

The loser could take sole possession of No. 1, assuming someone wins, which is no certainty

Of course, just behind the duo is miserable Michigan (2-3). "This team can still win championships," Michigan coach Brady Hoke said a few days ago, and he's right.

The Wolverines, losers of nine of their last 13, can still capture the Bottom Ten championship.

Next, they will be ground up by merciless Rutgers (4-1).

I don't know about you but I'm getting a little tired of these big-name sports powers, such as Rutgers, scheduling push-overs, like poor little Michigan, to make their won-lost record look more formidable.

Elsewhere, two wrecks in progress, You Conn (1-4)  and Too Lane (1-4) will stumble into each other.

And, UCLA, the worst 4-0 team in the nation, gave up 626 yards in a 62-27 win over Arizona State.  Secretive UCLA coach Jim Mora refused to say who played quarterback during the game.


Team, Record.......... Last Loss ..................Next Loss
1. Miami (Oh!) (0-5). 27-35, Buffalo........... Ole Mass
2. Ole Mass (0-5) ......42-47, Bowling Grn...Miami (Oh!)

3. Michigan (2-3) .....14-30, Minnehaha ......Rutgers

4. SMU (0-4) .............0-56, TCU................ E Carolina

5. Kansas (2-2) .........-Coach .......................W Virginia
6. Troy (0-5) .............20-22, Monroe........... New Mexico St
7. Idaho (0-4)............ 10-34, S Alabama...... Texas State
8. UNLV (1-4)......... 17-34, SD St............... San Jose St
9. Two Lane (1-4) ......6-31, Rutgers............ You Con
10. You Con (1-4).... 10-36, Temple............ Two Lane

Others receiving votes (in reverse alphabetical order): Semester at Sea (0-0); the University of Phoenix (0-0); Electoral College (0-0).

Rout of the Week: Rutgers (4-1) over Michigan (2-3).

Crummy Game of the Week, Year, Decade: Ole Mass (0-5) at Miami (Oh!) (0-5).

Special Citation: As  befits their nickname, the Sun Devils of Arizona State topped UCLA in time of demonic possession, 34:07 to 25:53.

PROS

How about a special Bottom Ten welcome for this week's guest stars, the U.S. Ryder Cup team hacks, who lost to Europe for the 8th time in 10 meetings?

Isn't it time to revise the procedures here, organize a Western Hemisphere Ryder Cup competition and require that the Americans to win a tournament in order to qualify to lose to the Europeans?

Right behind the hacks is No. 2 Jacksonville, which is giving up 38 points per game. About the only professional team with a more porous defense is the Secret Service outfit at the White House. 

No. 3 is Oakland, which fell 14-38 to Miami (Fla.) in London, though it should be noted that Miami had the home-ocean advantage (Atlantic).

No. 4 is Old Orleans, which is so bad that other teams have invited the harmless Aints to put bounties out on them, just to get a good laugh.

Loser, Wreckage............ Last Loss.................... Next Loss

1. U.S.Ryder Cup  (2-8)...11 1/2-16 1/2, Europe...Finito

2. Jacksonville (0-4).........14-33, San Diego......... The Pitts

3. Oakland (0-4) ..............14-38, Miami............... Healing nicely

4. Old Orleans (1-3) ........17-38 Dallas................ Tampa

5. Olde England (2-2)..... 14-41, K.C...................Cincinnati

6. N.J. Jets (1-3); 7. Tennessee (1-3); 8. Washington (1-3); 9. Grampa Bay (1-3); 10. Carolina (2-2).

Crummy Game of the Week: Grampa (1-3) vs. Old Orleans (1-3).