Miserable Michigan makes its move

By Steve Harvey
Miscommunications Dept.

COLLEGES

It's shaping up as the Bottom Ten event of the year: two of the losingest teams in the nation, Ole Mass (0-5) and Miami (Oh!) (0-5) will bump into each other and try not to fall down.

The loser could take sole possession of No. 1, assuming someone wins, which is no certainty

Of course, just behind the duo is miserable Michigan (2-3). "This team can still win championships," Michigan coach Brady Hoke said a few days ago, and he's right.

The Wolverines, losers of nine of their last 13, can still capture the Bottom Ten championship.

Next, they will be ground up by merciless Rutgers (4-1).

I don't know about you but I'm getting a little tired of these big-name sports powers, such as Rutgers, scheduling push-overs, like poor little Michigan, to make their won-lost record look more formidable.

Elsewhere, two wrecks in progress, You Conn (1-4)  and Too Lane (1-4) will stumble into each other.

And, UCLA, the worst 4-0 team in the nation, gave up 626 yards in a 62-27 win over Arizona State.  Secretive UCLA coach Jim Mora refused to say who played quarterback during the game.


Team, Record.......... Last Loss ..................Next Loss
1. Miami (Oh!) (0-5). 27-35, Buffalo........... Ole Mass
2. Ole Mass (0-5) ......42-47, Bowling Grn...Miami (Oh!)

3. Michigan (2-3) .....14-30, Minnehaha ......Rutgers

4. SMU (0-4) .............0-56, TCU................ E Carolina

5. Kansas (2-2) .........-Coach .......................W Virginia
6. Troy (0-5) .............20-22, Monroe........... New Mexico St
7. Idaho (0-4)............ 10-34, S Alabama...... Texas State
8. UNLV (1-4)......... 17-34, SD St............... San Jose St
9. Two Lane (1-4) ......6-31, Rutgers............ You Con
10. You Con (1-4).... 10-36, Temple............ Two Lane

Others receiving votes (in reverse alphabetical order): Semester at Sea (0-0); the University of Phoenix (0-0); Electoral College (0-0).

Rout of the Week: Rutgers (4-1) over Michigan (2-3).

Crummy Game of the Week, Year, Decade: Ole Mass (0-5) at Miami (Oh!) (0-5).

Special Citation: As  befits their nickname, the Sun Devils of Arizona State topped UCLA in time of demonic possession, 34:07 to 25:53.

PROS

How about a special Bottom Ten welcome for this week's guest stars, the U.S. Ryder Cup team hacks, who lost to Europe for the 8th time in 10 meetings?

Isn't it time to revise the procedures here, organize a Western Hemisphere Ryder Cup competition and require that the Americans to win a tournament in order to qualify to lose to the Europeans?

Right behind the hacks is No. 2 Jacksonville, which is giving up 38 points per game. About the only professional team with a more porous defense is the Secret Service outfit at the White House. 

No. 3 is Oakland, which fell 14-38 to Miami (Fla.) in London, though it should be noted that Miami had the home-ocean advantage (Atlantic).

No. 4 is Old Orleans, which is so bad that other teams have invited the harmless Aints to put bounties out on them, just to get a good laugh.

Loser, Wreckage............ Last Loss.................... Next Loss

1. U.S.Ryder Cup  (2-8)...11 1/2-16 1/2, Europe...Finito

2. Jacksonville (0-4).........14-33, San Diego......... The Pitts

3. Oakland (0-4) ..............14-38, Miami............... Healing nicely

4. Old Orleans (1-3) ........17-38 Dallas................ Tampa

5. Olde England (2-2)..... 14-41, K.C...................Cincinnati

6. N.J. Jets (1-3); 7. Tennessee (1-3); 8. Washington (1-3); 9. Grampa Bay (1-3); 10. Carolina (2-2).

Crummy Game of the Week: Grampa (1-3) vs. Old Orleans (1-3).