Stumbling toward the finish line

By Steve Harvey,
Team Member,
Bottom Ten

Seemingly inept Green Bay was trailing Dallas, 3-26, when the second half of the game began last Sunday. Fox broadcaster Joe Buck said to partner Troy Aikman, "Do you want to throw the bouquet at the feet of (Dallas defensive coordinator) Monte Kiffin or should I?"

It was, perhaps, a world record for speaking too soon. On the next play, the Pack's Eddie Lacey ran for 60 yards. That was the beginning of the end for the Cowboys, who, incredibly, fell 36-37.

Thus, just when you thought the Bottom Ten had seen the last of Dallas, Jerry Jones' merry recruits were back at No. 8. They've given up 30 or more points seven times this year.

No. 1, of course, was Who?ston (2-12), a 3-25 loser to Indy. And who do the Texans play next? Only Denver (11-3).

No. 2 is Oakland, which seems to reach new depths with each game. Two weeks ago, the Raiders (4-10) clinched their 11th straight losing season. And last week, against Kansas City? The Raiders gave up the most points (56) in one game in their history. Well done, fellows.

Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss................ Next Loss
1. Houston (2-12)............ 3-25, Indy................ Denver
2. Oakland (4-10)........... 31-56, K.C............... San Diego
3. Jacksonville (4-10)..... 20-27, Buffalo.......... Tennessee
4. Washington (3-11)..... 26-27, Atlantis.......... Dallas
5. Cleveland (4-10)........ 31-38, Chicago..........N.J. Jets
6. Alantis (4-10); 7. N.J. Giants (5-9); 8. Dallas (7-7); 9. Buffalo (5-9); 10. N.J. Jets (6-8).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Cleveland (4-10) at Jets (6-8).

Rout of the Week: Denver (11-3) over Houston (2-12).

Surprise of the Week: The headline below:

 Study says Steelers fans are saddest in the NFL; Raiders fans are most unstable

Bowled Over

By Steve Harvey
Bottom Ten
Asset Protection

Bowls

One of the perennial debates in college football is: How would a team that finished fifth in one subdivision of the Big Ten fare against a team that finished fifth in the Big 12?

Good news, horrible bowl fanciers! At last you can get the answer when Michigan (7-5) meets Kansas State (7-5) in the prestigious Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl, which will be held in Tempe, not Buffalo, and is no longer called the Copper Bowl or the Insight.com Bowl, and denies that it was ever called the Poulan Weed-Eater Bowl.

Michigan has the most reverse momentum of any bowl team, rallying with four defeats in its last five games to knock itself out of Rose Bowl consideration.

Believe it or not, Michigan and Kansas State are not the losingest bowl teams.Whereas they combined for 10 losses, Washington State and Colorado State put together 12 defeats all together---not that that discouraged the New Mexico Bowl selection committee. BT selectors voted it the worst bowl of the year.

Another team on a cold streak is Duke, coming off a 7-45 loss to Florida State. The Blue Devils face Texas A$M (8-4) in the Chick-fil-A Bowl. The point spread and attendance are expected to be about 12.

Opponents, Records.............................................. Dud Bowl
1. Washington St (6-6) vs. Colorado St (7-6) ..........New Mexico
2. Michigan (7-5) vs. Kansas St (7-5)..................... Wings
3. Boise St (9-4) vs. Oregon St (6-6)....................... Hawaii
4. Buffalo (8-4) vs. San Diego St (7-5)................... Potato
5. Utah (8-5) vs. N Ill (12-1)................................... Poinsettia
6. Marshall (9-4) vs. Maryland (7-5) .......................Military
7. Pits (6-6) vs. Bowling Green (10-3).................... Pizza
8. E.Carolina (9-3) vs. Ohio (O.) (7-5).................... Beef
9. Syracuse (6-6) vs. Minnesota (9-4) .....................Texas
10. Duke (10-3) vs. Texas A$M (8-4).................... Chick-fil-A


Pros

You'd think an NFL team on an 11-game losing streak would be making a run-away of the Bottom Ten championship race.

But, no,  Who?ston (2-11) still has plenty of competition.

There's quarterback-less No. 2 Washington, which is 3-10 and could move up with an impressive stomping by No. 5 Atlantis (3-10). Quite a shock it was when Washington coach Mike Shanahan said he would handle the quarterbacking chores himself this week.

Then there's No. 3 Minnehaha  (3-9-1). Things are going so badly for the Vikes that a catering truck plowed into their plane after their loss to Baltimore, forcing the team to wait several hours in their locker room before a new plane could be found. Replays showed the catering truck was definitely offsides.

And let's not forgot to congratulate the 4-9 Raiders, who clinched a losing record for the 11th straight year with their 27-37 loss to the Jets.

Wreck, Records.......... Last Loss .................Next Loss

1. Who?ston (2-11)...... 20-27, Jacksonville.... Indianapolis
2. Washington (3-10)... 10-45, Kansas City.... Atlantis
3. Minnehaha (3-9-1)... 28-29, Baltimore........ Philadelphia
4. Pitts (5-8) .................28-34, Miami .............Cincinnati
5. Atlantis (3-10).......... 21-22, Green Bay...... Washington

6. Buffalo (4-9); 7. Cleveland (4-9); 8. (Tie) N.Y. Giants (5-8) and N.Y. Knicks (6-15); 10. Oakland (4-9).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Atlantis (3-10) vs. Washington (3-10).

Oh, Miami (O.)! All Hail the 2013 Bottom Ten Champs

       
S
           Bottom Ten TV Network Debuts!

By Steve Harvey
Content Server

Colleges

Miami of Ohio (0-12), using its famous prevent offense, averaged 9.7 points per game this season to capture the mythical Bottom Ten title.

Possibly mythical Georgia State (0-12), a school that no one has ever heard of, finished second, pending an investigation of its existence by BT officials.

Third place went to Florida, which did win in the category of  "Most Disappointing Team of 2013."  The snaggle-toothed Gators, ranked No. 10 in AP's Top Ten pre-season poll, crossed over to the Bottom Ten in mid-season, losing their last seven games.

No. 4 UAB (2-10) lost 27-62, to No. 5 So Miss (1-11), which saw its hopes for a winless season float away down the Mighty Southern Mississip. That was the closest thing to a Bottom Ten Bowl this year. Sorry, football fans.


Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss.................. Bowl Bid?
1. Miami (Oh!) (0-12)..... 14-65  Ball St............  .None
2. Florida (4-8)................. 7-37, Fla St...............Nope
3. Georgia State (0-12) ...17-38, So Alabama....  Naw
4. UAB (2-10)................ 27-62, So Miss........... Nyet
5. So Miss (1-11)............ Def. UAB, 62-27......  .You kidding?
6. FIU (1-11)................... 6-21, Fla Atlantic........Uh uh
7. Idaho (1-11)............... 16-24, New Mex St..... Come on
8. Ole Mass (1-11)......... 23-51, Ohio (O.) ..........Get real
9. W. Mich (1-11).......... 14-33, N Ill................... Huh?
10. Low Cal (1-11).........13-63, Stanford.............Not Hardly
11. Hawaii (1-11); 12. Purdon't (1-11); 13. UTEP (2-10); 14. Tulsa (3-9); 15. New Mexico St (2-10); 16. E Mich (2-10); 17. Idle; 18. Kentucky (2-10); 19. Arkansas (3-9); 20. Virginia (2-10).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Closed for season.

Pros

Some Texas political figures have recommended that the state secede from the union. A growing number of folks down there, however, are saying that the state of Texas can remain but the Houston Texans football team must leave.

Once 2-0, the Texans rolled to their 11th straight loss, falling short against No. 8 Jacksonville (4-9), of all teams.

What a topsy turvy race it's been in the Bottom Ten. There was a time when the Jaguars and New York Giants were 0-6 and Tampa-at-Bay was 0-5. Now, those three have 12 wins among themselves, virtually bidding sayonara to their championship hopes.

Tampa still has a chance if it can find a way to lose to No. 3 Buffalo (4-8).

The Bills crumpled, 31-34, to Atlantis, in overtime in a game played in Toronto. Why was Buffalo happy when the game went into overtime? Well, who'd be in a hurry to return home to Buffalo?


Wreck, Record               Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. Houston (2-11).............20-27, Jacksonville....Idle
2. Washington (3-9)..........17-24, N.J. Giants.....Kansas City
3. Buffalo (4-8).................31-34, Atlantis...........Tampa-at-Bay
4. N.J. Jets (5-7)..................3-23, Miami (Fla.)...Oakland
5. Tampa-at-Bay (3-9)........6-27, Carolina..........Buffalo
6. Oakland (4-8) 7. Green Bay (5-6-1); 8. Jacksonville (4-9); 9. Atlanta (3-9); 10. Cleveland (4-8).

Crummy Games of the Weak: East regional: Oakland (4-8) at N.J. Jets (5-7); South regional: Buffalo (4-8) at Tampa-at-Bay (3-9).

These Coaches Are No Bargains

Oregon Duck (above), as team is squashed for second time in three games.



By Steve Harvey
Bottom Ten Cast Member


Shown by Appointment Only

Colleges

It's the holiday season, a time when the most hallowed tradition is SHOPPING. So, let's talk about shopping for football coaches.

Mainly, let's see which colleges are getting the least for their money from their clipboard-holders, according to salary statistics compiled by USAToday and other sources.

The furthest thing from a bargain is Low Cal coach Sonny Dykes,  who is 1-11. Since he is paid $2.4 million per year, he costs Cal $2.4 million per win, according to the sophisticated computers at Bottom Ten headquarters.

Best known name on the list is No. 10 Mack Brown of Texas, who has a (yearly) salary of $5.3 million and has rewarded the school with conference finishes of third, sixth and sixth over the last three years.

Alas, Norm Chow of Hawaii ($500,000 per year) was not included in the rankings because his pay per win this year could not be calculated. He has no wins.


Coach, Team, Record...................... Salary.............Pay Per Win

1. Sonny Dykes, Cal (1-11)............... $2.4 million....... $2.4 million
2. Darrell Hazell, Purdue (1-10)......... $2.1 million...... $2.1 million
3. Butch Jones, Tennessee (4-7)........ $4.8 million....... $1.2 million
4. Mike London, Virginia (2-9)......... $2.2 million........$1.1 million
5. Mark Stoops, Kentucky (2-9)........ $2 million........... $1 million
6. Bret Bielema, Arkansas (3-8)........ $2.9 million........ $.96 million

7. Dave Doeren, N Car St (3-8) ........$2.6 million........ $.86 million

8. Paul Rhoads, Iowa St (2-9)........... $1.7 million........ $.85 million
9. Charlie Weis, Kansas (3-8)........... $2.5 million........ $.83 million
10. Mack Brown, Texas (7-3) ...........$5.3 million........ $.76 million

Pros

Houston running back Ben Tate says the solution to his team's problems is simple: Bring back Vanilla Ice to perform.

The last time Ice sang at halftime of a Houston game, the Texans won, pushing their record to 2-0. They've lost nine straight since then, seizing control of the Bottom Ten from the Lost Team of Atlantis.

Vanilla Ice's real name, by the way, is Robert Matthew Van Winkle. Houston's offense is about as wide awake as another, slightly more famous, Van Winkle.

Moving up to No. 2 among the worst teams in the NFL was Washington, whose quarterback was called RG3-and-8 by New York Times pro football correspondent Maureen Dowd.

It isn't often you hear the general manager of a 6-5 team brag about his personal performance. But the  Cowboys' unflappable owner/GM Jerry Jones told an interviewer, "I'm getting to do some of the best work that I've done, relatively speaking, in my career over these last several years."

Of course that isn't saying much when you consider that Dallas has won exactly one (1) (uno) (un) playoff game in the last 17 years under Jones' leadership.

Team, Record................ Last Loss........................... Next Loss
1. Houston (2-9)............ 6-13, Jacksonville.............. New England
2. Washington (3-8)....... 6-27, S.F........................... N.J. Giants
3. Atlantis (2-9).............. 13-17, New Orleans .........Buffalo
4. Green Bay (0-3-1)*.....Tied Minnehaha, 26-26.... Detroit
5. Jacksonville (2-9)....... Def. Houston, 13-6........... Cleveland
6. Raiders (4-7); 7. Tampa-at-Bay (2-9); 8. N.J. Jets (5-6); 9. Cleveland (4-7); 10. N. J. Giants (4-7).

*Record since QB Aaron Rodgers was injured (and team declined to sign Tim Tebow as replacement).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Cleveland (4-7) vs. Jacksonville (2-9).

Atlantis Building Up Reverse Momentum

By Steve Harvey
Resident Wit (at least half the time)

Colleges

The Bottom Ten has a flurry of must-lose crucials this week.

No. 6 Ew! Conn (0-9) will see if it can get the worst of No. 7. Temple (1-9). No. 8 Purdon't will show what it doesn't have against weak Ill (3-7). And No. 9 Iowa State (1-9) will face the difficult challenge of losing to coaching genius Charlie Weis and No. 20 Kansas (3-7).

Florida, which began the season ranked No. 10 in some Top 25 polls, held on to No. 1 in the BT, continuing its amazing descent from a 4-1 start to a 4-6 disaster.

Miami (O.) is No. 2 with a not-quite-so surprising 11-game losing streak.

Even harder to watch on television than "Hawaii Five-O" is  Hawaii 0-Ten football. Book 'em at No. 3, Danno.

No. 10 Low Cal (1-10), which  meets Stanford (8-2), has asked the Stanford band to run onto the field after the opening kickoff_and stay there.

Wreck, Record............... Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. Florida (4-6)................ 14-19, S Carolina ...... Ga Southern
2. Miami (Oh!) (0-11)....... 7-44, Buffalo............ Ball St (11-29)
3. Hawaii (0-10).............. 21-28, San Diego St.. Wyoming
4. So So Miss (0-10).......... 7-41, Fla Atlantic..... Middle Tennis St
5. Georgia State (0-10)..... 21-35, Lafayette .........Arkansas St
6. Ew! Conn (0-9)............ 21-38, SMU............... Temple
7. Temple (1-9)............... 36-39, UCF................ Ew Conn
8. Purdon't (1-9).............. 21-45, Penn St ............Ill
9. Iowa St (1-9)............... 10-48, Oklahoma........ Kansas
10. Low Cal (1-10)......... 24-41, Colorado.......... Stanford

11. Ole Mass (1-9), 12. FIU (1-9); 13. Idle; 14. New Mexico St (1-9); 15. Idaho (1-9); 16. W Michigan (1-10); 17. Kentucky (2-8); 18. Virginia (2-8); 19 E. Michigan (2-8); 20. Kansas (3-7).

Pros

How about squabbling Tampa-at-Bay? Just a few weeks ago, critics were saying that coach Greg Schiano had "lost the locker room." What a break it was, then, that local detectives found the locker room in some bushes on the side of I-4 highway. 

Since then, the Bucs_with a place to shower and dress_ have been practically ept,  most recently whipping the No. 1 Lost Team of Atlantis, 41-28 .

Atlantis checked in at No. 1 after losing twice in five days, a pace that even No.2 Jacksonville couldn't keep up with.

Houston registered at No. 3 after a 23-28 loss to Oakland but the Texans face a big challenge to their bumbling ways Sunday when they play Jacksonville in the Crummy Game of the 21st Century.

The No. 10 Pits appeared in throw-back striped jerseys (see photo at top), looking something like convicts--an image you'd think the NFL would want to avoid.

Wreck, Record......... Last Loss ...........................................Next Loss

1. Atlanta (2-9).......... 28-41, Tampa-at- Bay, 13-17, N.O..... New Orleans
2. Jacksonville (1-9).. 14-27, Arizona.................................... Houston

3. Houston (2-8)........ 23-28, Oakland................................... Jacksonville

4. Washington (3-7).. 16-24, Philadelphia .............................S.F.

5. Baltimore (4-6)...... 20-23, Chicago................................... N.J. Jets

6. Minnehaha (2-8); 7. Tampa at Bay (2-8); 8. St. Louis (4-6); 9. San Diego (4-6); 10. The Pits (4-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Houston (2-8) vs. Jacksonville (1-9) (a game so terrible that the NFL refuses to reveal where it's being played).

Some Pre-Thanksgiving Turkeys

Ducks (above) after 20-26 loss to Stanford

By Steve Harvey
Informed Source

It's the never-ending philosophical argument in Bottom Ten land. Should the team having the worst season over-all be honored? Or should it be the worst team of the moment?

The selectors took the latter road, elevating Florida to No. 1 after the toothless Gators registered their fourth straight loss (and to Vanderbilt). It doesn't get much worse than that.

Bolstering Florida's case was the the fact that the school was rated No. 10 in pre-season polls---the TOP 25 polls.

The Gators' main rival, of the moment, is Miami (Oh!), which leads the nation in defeats with 10.

And how about a hearty welcome to the new No. 20 member, the Sports Illustrated Jinx. Oregon was featured on the cover of the magazine's Nov. 4 issue, which was headlined: "Oregon Redefined West Coast Football. Now It's Time to Conquer America" (see photo at end of column).

Naturally, the Ducks went out and got whomped by Stanford, 20-26. Maybe the Ducks should concern themselves with conquering the Pac-12 North Division before they go after America.


The rankled:
Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss..................Next Loss
1. Florida (0-4)*.......... 17-34, Vanderbilt (!) ....South Carolina
2. Miami (Oh!) (0-10)... 6-24, Kent State......... Buffalo
3. Purdon't (1-8).......... 14-38, Iowa................. Penn St
4. Low Cal (1-9).......... 28-62, USC................ Colorado
5. Georgia St (0-9)....... Idle.............................. LA Lafayette
6. Hawaii (0-9)............ 28-42, Navy................ San Diego St
7. Temple (1-8)........... 20-23, Rutgers .............UCF
8. Ew Conn (0-8)........ 10-31, Louisville .........SMU
9. So So Miss (0-9)..... 13-36, La Tech............ Fla Atlantic
10. New Mex St (1-9).. Idle............................. Idaho
11. Idaho (1-9); 12. Idle ; 13. Iowa St (1-8); 14. Kansas (2-7); 15. Virginia (2-8); 16. Ole Mass (1-8); 17. FIU (1-8); 18. Kentucky (2-7); 19. Texas at El Deflated Paso (1-8); 20. Sports Illustrated jinx.
*Since Oct. 12.
Crummy Game of the Weak: New Mexico State (1-9) vs. Idaho (1-9).

The Pros

And then there were none. Jacksonville and Tampa Bay scratched out their first victories, thereby ending their dreams of compliling 0-16 seasons. The two teams will just have to put these wins behind them and attempt to start new losing streaks. It won't be easy, but then it never is.

Meanwhile, the Lost Team of Atlantis sank into the Bottom Ten lead. As many analysts had predicted before the season, this could be the year that Atlantis finally nabs a championship (although it's true that most of the critics were talking about the Falcons triumphing in the Super Bowl bid, not the Bottom Ten bowl).

Elsewhere, Groan Bay petitioned the BT to throw out the results of the Pack's first 8 games, pointing out that, with Aaron Rodgers sidelined, GB is now truly one of the worst teams in the NFL. The always-cooperative BT said, OK.

Chiefs WR Dwayne Bowe was arrested for speeding and alleged marijuana possession, after which his attorney told the Kansas City Star that "this incident will not be a distraction to (Bowe's) commitment to excellence on the football field."

Commitment to excellence? Was this a hint that Bowe expects to be traded to No. 9 Oakland? Certainly he would fit in there.

The Raiders, by the way, fell to the Giants, 24-20, having apparently been distracted by Eli Manning's new mustache.

And defensive end William Hayes of No. 10 St. Louis drove his forearm into a mirror, suffering a bad cut, noted Yahoo's Anwar Robertson, "in addition to the 7 years of bad luck he received." Just what the Cardinals needed.

Team, Record............ Last Loss...................... Next Loss
1. Atlanta (2-7)........... 10-33, Seattle................. Tampa Bay
2. Jacksonville (1-8).... Def. Tennessee, 29-27.. Arizona
3. Tampa Bay (1-8)..... Def. Miami, 22-19........ Atlantis
4. Groan Bay (0-1)*.... 13-27, Philadelphia....... N.J Giants
5. Miami (Fla.) (4-5).... 19-22, Tampa............... San Diego
*Record when Aaron Rodgers does not start.

6. Houston (2-7); 7. Buffalo (3-7); 8. Pits (3-6); 9. Oakland (3-6); 10. St. Louis (4-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Tampa Bay (1-8) vs. Atlanta (2-7).

..

Where It's Halloween Every Week...

By Steve Harvey
First-time caller, long-time listener


Nobody, Nobody and Nobody likes this

Colleges

The rankings were shaken up by Purdon't as the Boilers took over the Bottom Ten lead on the non-strength of a 0-56 loss to Ohio State.

Actually, the game was closer than the score indicated. One Buckeye PAT kick was nearly wide.

For Purdon't, and winless teams such as Georgia State, Hawaii and Miami (Oh!),  the end of daylight saving time meant one gloomy fact: the season is an extra hour longer.

Newest member, by the way, is No. 11 Colorado, which took advantage of a change in the BT's trend-setting rating system. The BT will now take into consideration not only a team's won-lost record but also its record in calling coin flips. Colorado is a shocking 1-7 in coin tosses this year. A team spokesman said the Buffs would spend extra time practicing coin-calls this week.

Meanwhile,  Nick Saban continued to deny rumors that the only college he would leave Alabama for is UTEP.

Wreck, Record............................................. Last Loss....................... Next Loss
1. Purdon't (1-7)............................................. 0-56, Ohio State.............. Iowa
2. Low Cal (1-8)........................................... 28-33, Arizona................. USC
3. Georgia St (0-9)....................................... .28-44, W Kentucky.......... Idle
4. Hawaii (0-8)............................................. 10-47, Utah St ..................Navy
5. Ole Mass (1-8).......................................... 19-63, N Ill .......................More Idle
6. Miami (Oh!) (0-9)....................................... 3-45, Bowling Green...... Kent State
7. Idaho (1-8)................................................ 21-37, Texas St................. Old Dominion
8. You Conn (0-7)........................................ Idler .................................. Louisville
9. So Miss (0-8) ............................................13-61, Marshall..................La Tech
10. FIU (1-7)................................................ 13-34, E Carolina...............Middle Tennis St

11. Colorado (3-5); 12. Texas at El Broken Up Paso (1-7); 13. New Mexico St (1-8); 14. (Tie) W and E Mich (each 1-8); 16. Temple (1-8); 17. Iowa St (1-7); 18. Idle St; 19. Kansas (2-6); 20. Virginia (2-7).

Rout of the Weak: USC (6-3) over Low Cal (1-8).

Congrats (Maybe)! Ohio State's Urban Meyer, conqueror of Purdon't, became the first head coach to win his first 20 games at a 1-A school since Larry Coker won his first 24 at Miami (Fla.). Coker was fired 51 games later.

Pros

Jacksonville plays Tennessee on the road Sunday so rather than wear bags over their heads at the game, Jaguar fans will wear them in front of their TV sets.  You never know when someone might drop by your house.

A week from Sunday, however, Jacksonville hosts the Arizona Cardinals.  For a previous home game, Jaguars management offered free beers to anyone who bought a ticket for $45 or more. Speculation has it that for the Cardinals game, Jacksonville will hold a drawing of ticket-buyers and allow the winner to play quarterback.

Why not? Couldn't do much worse for a team averaging 10.7 points per game and allowing 33 per game.

Hence the latest catchy message on a Jaguars head bag: "Only Sack in Jax."

Possibly the most upset player of the week was safety James Ihedigbo of No. 5 Baltimore, who was accused of  putting his hands around Cleveland receiver Greg Little's neck and squeezing during one pileup. Ihedigbo vehemently denied the charge. He doesn't choke, he said.

Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss................................. Next Loss
1. Jacksonville (0-8)........ In Hiding.................................. Tennessee
2. Grampa Bay (0-8)....... 24-27, Seattle............................ Miami
3. Minnehaha (1-7) ..........23-27, Dallas............................ New Orleans
4. Pits (2-6) ......................31-55, New England................ Buffalo
5. Baltimore (3-5)............ 18-24, Cleveland...................... Cincinnati
6. Atlantis (2-6); 7. Houston (2-6); 8. Raiders (3-5); 9. St. Louis (3-6);  10. Miami  (season's over).

Crummy Game of the Weak:  Grampa Bay (0-8) vs. Miami (Fla.) (4-4) (if the Dolphins have any players left).

Rout of the Weak: New Orleans (6-2) over Minnehaha (1-7).

Does Bottom Ten Have East Coast Bias?

By Steve Harvey
Informed Source,
Bottom Ten


Colleges

With New Mexico State and Western Michigan suffering victories, the number of winless teams in the nation fell to four, or five if you count Georgia State, which may or may not really exist. No one is quite sure.

Still, Lo Cal (1-7) remained atop the Bottom Ten amid speculation that the voters didn't want to be accused of harboring an East Coast bias.

In past years, some Westerners have charged that Eastern voters didn't stay up late to see the really bad Pacific Coast teams on television. As the Bottom Ten has stated many times, this charge is patently false because BT voters watch few if any games.

Down South, an Alabama restaurant displayed some advice for No. 20 Arkansas coach Bret Bielema after he accused Auburn of sharing game films that were missing Tigers' plays (see photo below). In fact,  Bielema was skeptical of the authenticity of the films in general after one of his coaches pointed out that they showed flag football scenes.

(www.kennysmith.org)

Wreck, Record..... Last Loss.................. Next Loss

1. Lo Cal (1-7) ..........17-41, Washington.... Arizona
2. So So Miss (0-7)... 14-55, N Texas......... Marshall
3. Ga St (0-8)............ 10-38 La Monroe...... W Kentucky
4. Miami (O) (0-8).... 16-41, Ohio (O)......... Bowling Green (O)
5. Hawaii (0-7)........... 8-35, Colorado St..... Utah St
6. Purdon't (1-6)........ Idle ............................The Ohio St*
7. Yu Kon (0-7)........ 17-62, Central Fla....... Idle
8. Iowa St (1-6) .........27-58, Oklahoma St.. .Kansas St
9. Kentucky (1-6) ......22-28, Miss St.............Alabama St
10. FIU (1-6).............  7-23, La Tech.............E Carolina
*The one in Ohio

11. Texas at  Hail Mary Paso (1-6); 12. Idaho (1-7); 13.Virginia (2-6);  14. W. Michigan (1-8) and E. Michigan (1-7); 16. Temple (1-7); 17. Memphis (1-6); 18. Idle; 19. Kansas (2-5); 20. Arkansas (3-5).

Rout of the Weak: Ohio St (8-0) vs. Purdon't (1-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Iowa State (1-6) vs. Kansas State (3-4).

Pros

A "Walking Dead" convention for fans of the cable zombie show is set this weekend in Atlanta. "We'd have guessed Jacksonville," wrote columnist Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. "It's the Jaguars' bye week."

The fans needed a bye week so they could concentrate on finding paper bags to wear over their heads at games. Yes, Jag (0-8) booers have brought back a tradition started last century in New Orleans, where the home team was known as the 'Aints.

Jacksonville fans call themselves the "Baguars."

Some post messages on the bags, such as this reference to billionaire owner Shad Kahn: "I Got Kahn-ed."Another pleaded, "Where's My Beer?"_a reference to an offer the team made a few weeks ago to give two free beers for every ticket of $45 or more purchased for a game against the Colts.

The Jags lost, 37-3, but most fans didn't notice.

Forbes magazine, by the way, ranks Kahn the 490th wealthiest person in the world. By coincidence, the Jaguars are ranked the 490th best team in the NFL.

Wreck, Record............... Last Loss.................... Next Loss

1. Jacksonville (0-8).........10-42, San Francisco ....Healing
2. Grampa Bay (0-7)........13-31, Carolina............. Seattle
3. Minnehaha (1-6) ..........31-44, Green Bay......... Dallas
4. The Pits (2-5) ...............18-21, Oakland............. New England
5. (Tie) St. Louis (3-5) .......9-14, Seattle................ Tennessee
5. St. Louis (2-4)................ 1-6, Red Sox............... Series Over
7. Houston (2-5); 8. Philadelphia (3-5); 9. Cleveland (3-5); 10. Dallas (4-4).

Rout of the Weak: Seattle (7-1) over Grampa Bay (0-7).

Top 25 Poll Shows Its Funny Side

By Steve Harvey
NFL Outsider
                                              9 seconds ago

Colleges

What's with the Associated Press' Top 25, trying to steal laughs from the Bottom Ten?

Nine of the Top 25 lost games over the weekend, most notably No. 8 Louisville to Central Florida (who?) and No. 15 Georgia to...Vanderbilt! Oh, those cruel Commodores.

Georgia has, in fact, taken an early lead in the Most Disappointing Team of the Year competition, having gone from No. 5 in the pre-season AP to No. 30 in the latest poll. Right behind the Bulldogs is No. 32 Florida, which has fallen 22 spots, and No. 35 Texas, down 20 spots since the start of the year.

Speaking of comedy, Northwestern is currently in 6th place in the Legends Division of the Big Ten. Yes, there is such a thing as the Legends Division. The fact that the Mildcats have an 0-3 conference record seems to be irrelevant.


Wreck, Record.................... Last Loss..................... Next Loss
1. AP Top 25.........................Nine Games...................Stay tuned
2. Low Cal (1-6)................... 17-49, Oregon St.......... Washington
3. New Mexico St (0-7)........ 19-45, Rice................... Abilene Christian
4. So So Miss (0-6)............... 14-55, E Carolina.......... North Texas
5. Purdon't (1-6)...................... 0-14, Michigan St........ Idle St
6. Miami (O) (0-7)................ 17-24, Akron................. Ohio (O)
7. W Michigan (0-8)............. 17-38, Ball St................. Ole Mass
8. Hawaii (0-6)...................... Idle Tech........................ Colorado St
9. Georgia St (0-7)................ 17-24, Texas St.............. La. Monroe
10. The NCAA.......................Miami investigation........Last of its credibility
11. Yukon (0-6); 12. North Carolina (1-5); 13. Iowa State (1-5); 14. UTEP (1-5); 15. FIU (1-5); 16. Kentucky (1-5); 17. Idaho (1-6);  18. Idle; 19. Ole Mass (1-6); 20. Northwestern (4-3).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Western Michigan (0-8) vs. Ole Mass (1-6).

Rout of the Weak: Washington (4-3) over  Low Cal (1-6).



Whoops! Thought I'd lost you for a moment there. OK, we've restored power; let's resume.

Pros

You knew the Giants' losing streak was going to come to an end when it was announced that Eli and Peyton would be playing together.

What an unbeatable combination! QB Eli Manning and RB Peyton Hillis. Sure enough, with Hillis rumbling for 36 yards, the Giants knocked off Minnehaha, 23-7, pushing the Vikings into the Bottom Ten lead.

The win left the 1-6 Giants two games out of first place in the NFL East division as they move closer to a probable spot in the Super Bowl (most likely against the New York Jets).

The Vikes were handicapped by the play of quarterback Josh Freeman, who threw 33 incompletions and prompted fans to move from the first few rows of the field section seats out of fear that they would be beaned by one of his wild tosses.

The desperate search for uninjured, unmaimed quarterbacks continues. St. Louis asked Bret Favre to come out of retirement.  Jeff Garcia, age 43 and idle since 2008, told the Browns he's ready. Nearly every quarterback over the age of 18 has been considered_all except that lefty who won a playoff game for Denver over Pittsburgh two years ago.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss ........................Next Loss
1. Minnehaha (1-5)...... 7-23, Giants..................... Green Bay
2. Jacksonville (0-7)..... 6-24, San Diego ..............S.F.
3. Grampa Bay (0-6)... 23-31, Atlantis ..................Carolina
4. N.J. Giants (1-6)...... Def. Minnehaha, 23-7...... Philadelphia
5. Houston (2-5).......... 16-17, K.C....................... Healing
6. Raiders (2-4); 7. The Pits (2-4); 8. Philadelphia (3-4); 9. Atlantis (2-4); 10. St. Louis (3-4).

Special Citation: Longest gain of the year by an Oakland Raider running back: 19 yards.

Rout of the Weak: San Francisco (5-2) over Jacksonville (0-7) in London (temperature and point spread both expected to be in the 40s).

At last---a Bottom Ten Bowl?

By Steve Harvey
Bottom Ten Cartoonist


 Colleges

Historically, big losses and/or poor won-lost records have propelled teams into the Bottom Ten lead. But Low Cal (1-5) added another element. One on-line site supplied this information about tickets for Saturday's home game against Oregon State:

10:30 PM ET

4,306 available from $2

That's right_tickets  out there priced at $2 (one Bottom Ten selector broke into tears at the plight of the poor, cut-throat ticket-brokers). Next week, expect to find Cal tickets on the shelves of 99¢Only stores.

No. 5 Purdon't (1-5), meanwhile, paradoxically found itself in last place of the Leaders Division of the Big Ten. (No, really, there is a Leader's Division.) (And there is a Big Ten, though it has 12 teams.)

Elsewhere, last week's game between Tulsa and Texas of El Paso Interference caught the eye of the BT selectors. Reason: The game, featuring teams with a combined 2-8 record, was televised on Fox Sports 1.

This was proof that Fox is finally showing some interest in airing a Bottom Ten playoff competition, the BCS (or Bowl Chump Series). Surely, there are many suitable sites available, including the Al Davis Gravel Pits of Irwindale, the Nevada Disproving Grounds, the Spruce Goose Flew the Coop Dome and Farmer's Field (the downtown home of the pro football franchise that L.A. will never be awarded).

Wreck, Record................Last Loss...............Next Loss

1. Low Cal (1-5) ..............10-37, UCLA........ Oregon St
2. Temple (0-6)................ 20-38, Cincy.......... Army
3. New Mexico St (0-6)... Idle......................... Rice
4. So Ole Miss (0-5)........ Idle.......................... E Carolina
5. Purdon't (1-5)............... 7-44, Nebraska....... Michigan St
6. Miami (O) (0-6).............10-17, Ole Mass .....Akron (O.)
7. W Michigan (0-7)......... 0-33, Buffalo.......... Ball St
8. Hawaii (0-6)............... 37-39, UNLV........... Idle
9. Georgia St (0-6).......... 28-35, Troy ..............Texas St
10. Yu Conn (0-5)............ 10-13, So Florida...... Cincinnati

11. North Carolina (1-4); 12. Iowa St (1-4); 13. UTEP (1-5); 14. Kentucky (1-5); 15. E. Michigan (1-5); 16. FIU (1-5); 17. SMU (1-4); 18. Idle; 19. Louisiana Tech (2-4); 20. Tulsa (2-4).


Rout of the Weak:  Oregon St (5-1) over Cal (1-5) (in retrospect, perhaps Oregon State was wise not to take the Bottom Ten's advice and abandon football after the Beavers' opening 46-49 loss to Eastern Washington. But, folks, it was EASTERN WASHINGTON!)

Eye, yi, yi: Oregon cheerleaders model green and yellow special contact lenses they wear in support of the Ducks (as well as Halloween).







Pros

First, a round of applause, please, for the Pits Steelers, who recorded their first two takeways of the season Sunday. Yes, in their first 4 games, they had failed to intercept a single pass or recover one opponent fumble.

This time the Pits picked off two passes and even emerged victorious against the fuel-less Jets,  recording the 600th win in franchise history. At the rate the Pits are winning this year, it will only take them 187 years to notch their next 600 wins.

As for No. 1 New Jersey, the Giants (0-6) go up against Minnehaha (1-4) in a sort of Bottom Ten Stupor Bowl on Monday night. The Vikings, in an obvious attempt to move up to No. 1, will employ Josh Freeman at QB, their 11th starting QB since 2005, not including Vinny Interceptaverde.

 Elsewhere, visiting Oakland fell to Kansas City, 7-24, but the No. 9 Raiduz had the honor of being present when the fans inside Arrowhead Stadium broke the world record for the loudest outdoor sports stadium, reaching 137.5 decibels. (The record was set when the Kansas City fans screamed in terror at the sight of costumed Raiduz fans arriving at the game.)


Wreck, Record.......... Last Loss ...............Next Loss

1.N.J. Giants (0-6)...... 21-27, Chicago........ Minnehaha
2.Jacksonville (0-6)..... 19-35, Denver .........San Diego
3. Minnehaha (1-4)..... 10-35, Carolina........ N.J. Giants
4. Houston (2-4)......... 13-38, St. Louis....... Kansas City
5. Grampa Bay (0-5).. 20-31, Philadelphia...Atlantis
6. Atlantis (1-4); 7. Washington (1-4); 8. Pits (1-4); 9. Raiduz (2-4); 10. NFC East (7-16).

Monday Night Flop of the Season: Minnehaha (1-4) vs. N.J. Giants (0-6).

Dishonorable Mention: Detroit defensive tackle Stomp Again Suh was fined $30,000 for his latest cheap shot, bringing his total of lost salary to $209,000 in fines and about $165,000 for missed games_$374,000 in all, as he moves closer to becoming the first Million Dollar Man in a new category.

Bottom Ten Credibility Damaged (again...)

By Steve Harvey
Head Copy Editoz
Bottom Ten


The Colleges

One week after USC appeared as No. 20 in the Bottom Ten, BT officials said the ranking was the work of impersonators. Obviously a big-time school with an interim coach who believes in passing down the field did not deserve such an embarrassingly low rating.

Meanwhile, a man claiming to be Trojan athletic director Pat Haden accused unknown impersonators of talking to ex-Indianapolis coach Tony Dungy and Denver assistant Jack Del Rio about taking the full-time job at USC (though presumably not at the same time).

Haden was quoted by the school as saying: "I can assure you no authorized representative of USC or our athletic department made these calls."

But how do we know that was Haden speaking?

Elsewhere, only a handful of teams remained winless, and the number will fall by one with the expected merger of Western Michigan (0-6), Eastern Michigan (1-4), Central Michigan (2-4) and a Southern school from anywhere to create one full team. 

No. 1 New Mexico State (0-6), inspired by the U.S. Congress, will shut down for a week.

Wreck, Record Last Loss Next Loss
1. New Mexico St (0-6)......... 17-66, New Mexico........ Idle
2. Temple (0-5)...................... 7-30, Louisville ............Cincy
3. So Miss (0-5).................... 23-24 Fla Int................... Idle
4. Purdon't (1-4)................... Idle ..................................Nebraska
5. Ole Mass (0-5).................... 7-28, Bowling Green .......Idle
6. Yu Kon (0-4) ......................Idle................................ So Fla
7. Hawaii (0-5)..................... 27-37, San Jose St.......... UNLV
8. Low Cal (1-4).................... 22-44, Washington St.... UCLA
9. Idaho (1-5)........................ 14-61, Fresno St.............. Arkansas St
10 No Carolina (1-4)............. 17-27, Va Tech............... Healing
11. Miami (O) (0-5); 12. UAB (1-4); 13. Memphis (1-3); 14. SMU (1-4); 15. Iowa State (1-3); 16. Tulsa (1-4); 17. El Intercepted (1-4); 18. Out of the country; 19. Georgia State (0-5); 20. Texas-San Antonio (T-Ant) (2-4).

Rout of the Weak: Nebraska (4-1) over Purdon't (1-4).

Pros

Well, maybe the Giant are 0-6_and off to their worst start since 1976.

 But consider this: Should NFC East rivals Philadelphia and Dallas both lose Sunday, New York would only be two games out of first place. Looks to us like a playoff spot is in the bag for the Giants!

True, not everyone is excited about the Giants. Bustedcoverage.com reports that a New York strip club called Rick's Cabaret has quit showing the Giants on TV. "We love the Giants but they get the crowd at our Weekend Football Viewing Parties all depressed," said one staff member.

But you have to admit their games are exciting. With 15 interceptions, QB Eli Manning is on a pace to record 40 this year. Surely, Eli can step up the pace and break George Blanda's 52-year-old record of 42, unless Peyton and the rest of the family stage an intervention and persuade Eli to take a pledge to stop passing for good.


Wreck, Record............. Last Loss........... Next Loss
1. N.Y. Giants (0-6)..... 21-27, Chicago.....Minnehaha
2. Jacksonville (0-5)..... 20-34, St. Louis... Denver
3. Washington (1-3)...... Idle*.................... Dallas
4. Atlanta (NFL)............28-30 Jets............ Idle
4. Atlanta (MLB) ..........1-3, Dodgers........Done
6. Pits (0-4); 7. Dallas (2-3); 8. Grampa Bay (0-4); 8. Houston (2-3); 10. NFC East (5-15).
* Just like the government!

Crummy Game of the Weak: Jacksonville (0-5) vs. Denver (5-0).

Fake Houston Menu of the Week on Facebook:

New Mexico_The Area 51 of College Football

By Steve Harvey
Deputy Asst. Executive Co-Spores Editor
Bottom Ten

(May be recorded for quality assurance.)

The Colleges

You could take the negative approach and say New Mexico State (0-5), the losingest team in the nation, is No. 1 in the Bottom Ten.

Or you could look at it from the point of view of computer ranker Jeff Sagarin. New Mexico is the 189th best team in college football. (All together now: We’re 189!)

Whatever, the Aggies’ Bottom Ten reign could be brief. Next up, they play New Mexico---that’s right, Lost Lobos (1-3), ranked No. 11. The Lobos fell to the University of Texas at El Fumbles and Interceptions (UTEFI), 42-56.

Elsewhere, No. 4 Purdon’t (1-4) succumbed to Northern Illinois, 24-55. Imagine if Purdon’t had been forced to play the entire state of Illinois, not just the northern portion.

No. 9 Low Cal (1-3) was crushed by Oregon, 16-55.

And returning to the Bottom Ten after a brief summer engagement elsewhere was No. 20 USC, loser of 7 of its last 11, the latest disaster being a 41-62 setback to Arizona State. Coach Lane Kiffin was fired afterward despite his contention that NCAA penalties had restricted him to 55 scholarships, 15 of which must go to chemistry students.

One rumor has it that the next USC coach will be Jim Mora Sr. Now that would make USC vs. UCLA a REAL rivalry!

The rankled:

Wreck, Record….……………. Last Loss…………………... Next Loss

1. New Mexico St  (0-5).......... 16-26, San Diego St……….. New Mexico

2. Temple (0-4) ………………..24-26, Idaho ………………...Louisville

3. So Miss (0-4) ………………...7-60, Boise St……………... Fla Int

4. Purdon’t (1-4) ……………… 24-55, No Ill …………………Nebraska

5. Ole Mass (0-4) ……………..Idle …………………………...Bowling (Green)

6. Fla Int (0-4) ………………….Idle …………………………..So Miss

7. Yu Kon (0-4) ………………..12-41, Buffalo………………. So Fla

8. Hawaii (0-4) ………………...37-42, Fresno St ……………San Jose St

9. Low Cal (1-3) ……………….16-55, Oregon……………... Washington State

10. So Fla (0-4) ………………..21-49, Miami (F) ……………Yu Kon

11. New Mexico (1-3); 12. Miami (O) 0-4, 13. W Mich (0-5); 14. UAB (1-30; 15. Tulsa (1-3); 16. La Tech (1-4); 17. Gone Fishing; 18. Central Mich (1-4); 19. Notre Dame (outscored 99-113 in last four games); 20. USC (0-2 in conference).

Crummy Game of the Weak (Tie): New Mexico State (0-5) vs. New Mexico (1-3); Fla Int (0-4) vs. So Miss (0-4); Yukon (0-4 vs. S. Fla (0-4).

Ironies, ironies: On the day Lane Kiffin was fired as USC football coach, Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll (who deserted USC before the school was hit with sanctions) scored a dramatic, come-from-behind victory.  And Detroit running back Reggie Bush (who was the primary figure in the USC scandal) ran for 139 yards. Way to go, Pete and Reggie_don’t look back!

Pros

The game between winless wonders Pittsburgh and Minnesota was evidently so bad that no stadium in the United States would show it so the two rum-dums had to go overseas and play in London. The Pits took over the Bottom Ten by losing, 27-34.

 

The N.J. Giants (0-4) kept pace with the Pits, recording their fourth straight failure but will be hard-pressed to keep the losing streak alive since they next get fast-fading Philadelphia (1-3).

How bad are things for Jacksonville (0-4)? The Jags tried to lure people to their game against Indianapolis by offering them 2 free beers for every ticket of $45 or more purchased. (No joke.) The Jags, who fell 3-37, played as though they had broken into the booze themselves.

And congrats to the Manning brothers, who ran their combined number of wins to 4.

The rankled:

Wreck, Record………. Last Loss……………. Next Loss

1. The Pits (0-4).......... 27-34, Minnehaha…... N.J. Jets

2. N.J. Giants (0-4)....... 7-31, K.C…………… Philadelphia

3. Jack (0-4)................. 3-37, Indy…………… St. Louis

4. St. Louis (1-3) ……..11-35, S.F……………. Jack

5. Bay (Tampa) (0-4).. 10-13, Arizona……….. Philadelphia (Oct. 13)

6. Atlantis (1-3); 7. Oakland (1-3); 8. Bay (Green) (1-2); 9. Philadelphia (1-3); 10. Team New Zealand Yachting crew.

Crummy Game of the Weak: Jacksonville (0-4) vs. St. Louis (1-3).

Special Citation: The Steelers are only team in NFL who have yet to force a turnover.