These Coaches Are No Bargains

Oregon Duck (above), as team is squashed for second time in three games.



By Steve Harvey
Bottom Ten Cast Member


Shown by Appointment Only

Colleges

It's the holiday season, a time when the most hallowed tradition is SHOPPING. So, let's talk about shopping for football coaches.

Mainly, let's see which colleges are getting the least for their money from their clipboard-holders, according to salary statistics compiled by USAToday and other sources.

The furthest thing from a bargain is Low Cal coach Sonny Dykes,  who is 1-11. Since he is paid $2.4 million per year, he costs Cal $2.4 million per win, according to the sophisticated computers at Bottom Ten headquarters.

Best known name on the list is No. 10 Mack Brown of Texas, who has a (yearly) salary of $5.3 million and has rewarded the school with conference finishes of third, sixth and sixth over the last three years.

Alas, Norm Chow of Hawaii ($500,000 per year) was not included in the rankings because his pay per win this year could not be calculated. He has no wins.


Coach, Team, Record...................... Salary.............Pay Per Win

1. Sonny Dykes, Cal (1-11)............... $2.4 million....... $2.4 million
2. Darrell Hazell, Purdue (1-10)......... $2.1 million...... $2.1 million
3. Butch Jones, Tennessee (4-7)........ $4.8 million....... $1.2 million
4. Mike London, Virginia (2-9)......... $2.2 million........$1.1 million
5. Mark Stoops, Kentucky (2-9)........ $2 million........... $1 million
6. Bret Bielema, Arkansas (3-8)........ $2.9 million........ $.96 million

7. Dave Doeren, N Car St (3-8) ........$2.6 million........ $.86 million

8. Paul Rhoads, Iowa St (2-9)........... $1.7 million........ $.85 million
9. Charlie Weis, Kansas (3-8)........... $2.5 million........ $.83 million
10. Mack Brown, Texas (7-3) ...........$5.3 million........ $.76 million

Pros

Houston running back Ben Tate says the solution to his team's problems is simple: Bring back Vanilla Ice to perform.

The last time Ice sang at halftime of a Houston game, the Texans won, pushing their record to 2-0. They've lost nine straight since then, seizing control of the Bottom Ten from the Lost Team of Atlantis.

Vanilla Ice's real name, by the way, is Robert Matthew Van Winkle. Houston's offense is about as wide awake as another, slightly more famous, Van Winkle.

Moving up to No. 2 among the worst teams in the NFL was Washington, whose quarterback was called RG3-and-8 by New York Times pro football correspondent Maureen Dowd.

It isn't often you hear the general manager of a 6-5 team brag about his personal performance. But the  Cowboys' unflappable owner/GM Jerry Jones told an interviewer, "I'm getting to do some of the best work that I've done, relatively speaking, in my career over these last several years."

Of course that isn't saying much when you consider that Dallas has won exactly one (1) (uno) (un) playoff game in the last 17 years under Jones' leadership.

Team, Record................ Last Loss........................... Next Loss
1. Houston (2-9)............ 6-13, Jacksonville.............. New England
2. Washington (3-8)....... 6-27, S.F........................... N.J. Giants
3. Atlantis (2-9).............. 13-17, New Orleans .........Buffalo
4. Green Bay (0-3-1)*.....Tied Minnehaha, 26-26.... Detroit
5. Jacksonville (2-9)....... Def. Houston, 13-6........... Cleveland
6. Raiders (4-7); 7. Tampa-at-Bay (2-9); 8. N.J. Jets (5-6); 9. Cleveland (4-7); 10. N. J. Giants (4-7).

*Record since QB Aaron Rodgers was injured (and team declined to sign Tim Tebow as replacement).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Cleveland (4-7) vs. Jacksonville (2-9).