Pre-Halloween Horror Show

By Steve Harvey

Enforced 24 hours, 7 days a week

The Colleges

The most bizarre event of the season involved the streaker who ran on to the field disguised as a ref just before halftime of the game between Arizona and No. 10 UCLA. ESPN.com reported that impersonation charges would be filed, leading one reader to ask: Against "the streaker or the Bruins?"

It was a good question. Were those real UCLA players who trailed a 1-5 team, 7-42, at halftime? Perhaps the Bruins should be ordered to carry ID's with them when they're on the field.

Fox Sports radio host Ben Maller, referring to the fact that the NFL team with the worst record will have an opportunity to sign Stanford QB Andrew Luck, wrote: "Someone needs to tell UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel that the Bruins aren't allowed to take part in the NFL's 'Suck for Luck' campaign."

In other legal matters, LSU had three players suspended for smoking synthetic marijuana, prompting Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel to comment: ``At least in Florida our college players smoke the real thing. Question: When you smoke synthetic marijuana, do you get the mock munchies and have a craving for phony baloney?"

Synthetic refs and weed. What a year.

Wreck, Record............. Last Week ............................Next Week

1. Florida Atlantic (0-7)...14-38, Middle Tennessee................Resting

1. New Mexico (0-7).......... 0-69, TCU........................................Air Force

3. UNLV (1-5)..................... 14-41, Wyoming .............................Colorado State

4. Indiana (1-7).................. 24-45, Iowa......................................Northwestern

5. Idaho (1-6)..................... 24-31, New Mexico State.............. Hawaii

6. Minnesota (1-6)............ 14-41, Nebraska.............................. Iowa

7. Colorado (1-7)..................2-45, Oregon..................................Arizona State*

8. B.C. (1-6)........................ 14-30 Virginia Tech........................Maryland

9. Miami (O.) (2-5)........... 28-49, Toledo................................. Buffalo

10. UCLA (3-4).................. 12-48, Arizona................................ Cal

*Inadvertent italics; please ignore.

11. Akron (1-6); 12. Two Lane (2-6) ; 13. Northwestern (2-5); 14. Maryland (2-5); 15. Kansas (2-5); 16. Utah State (2-5); 17. Buffalo (2-6); 18. Memphis (2-6); 19. Censored; 20. Tennessee (3-4).

Crummy Games of the Weak: B.C. (1-6) at Maryland (2-5); Northwestern (2-5) at Indiana (1-7); Buffalo (2-6) at Miami (O.) (2-5).

Rout of the Weak: Arizona State (5-2) over Colorado (1-7).

The Pros

It was this bad: New Orleans QB Drew Brees threw more touchdown passes (5) than incompletions (4) against Indianapolis. Obviously the No. 1 Dolts really need Peyton Manning back at linebacker or cornerback or wherever he played when their defense was so much better.

No. 2 Miasma, meanwhile, continued its losing ways, becoming the first team since the NFL-AFL merger in 1970 to blow a 15-point in the last three minutes. The Dolphins rallied to lose to Denver, 15-18, after the Good Tebow replaced the Bad Tebow in the fourth quarter.

One odd footnote to the game concerning Denver's former starting quarterback was noted byprofootballtalk.com in this tweet: "Kyle Orton earns his $529,000 game check by calling the toss to start overtime. And getting it wrong."

Exiting the Bottom Ten was Jacksonville (2-5), which edged inoffensive Baltimore, 12-7. The game was noteworthy in that the Ravens' Sam Koch was asked to punt nine times. (He said yes each time). As long as he stays with Baltimore, Koch never has to worry about coming down with a case of restless legs syndrome.

Wreck, Record Last Week Next Week

1. Indianapolis (0-7).....7-62, New Orleans... Tennessee

2. Miami (Fla.) (0-6).....15-18, Tebow............. N.J. Giants

3. St. Louis (0-6)...........7-34, Dallas.............. New Orleans

4. Arizona (1-5).......... 20-32, Pitts................. Baltimore

5. Minnehaha (1-6).... 27-33, Bay (Green).....Carolina

6. Seattle (2-4); 7. Washington (3-3); 8. Denver (2-4); 9. Philadelphia (2-4); 10. Terrell Owens' workout for NFL teams (zero attendees).

Rout of the Weak: Detroit over Denver (if the Bad Tebow plays).

Rout of the Weak: Denver over Detroit (if the Good Tebow plays).

Celebrating lousy football for 45 years!

Sending...

By Steve Harvey (first-time caller, long-time fan)

Colleges

It was the moment Bottom Ten fans had been waiting for: the release of the first BCS (Bowl Chump Series) rankings.

Yes, the first indication of who will play for the Bottom Ten championship at a site to be determined later_possibly Flushing Meadows, N.Y., or the living room of the former Aaron Spelling mansion in Bel Air. The Comedy Channel is expected to win broadcast rights.

Leading the BCS pack were Lost Lobos of New Mexico (0-6) and Florida Atlantic, which has made quite a splash with its 0-6 record.

Both schools have major tests ahead, however. New Mexico must find a way to lose to UNLV (1-5)_no easy task_on Nov. 12. And Florida Atlantic may be unable to avoid victory over Middle Tennessee (1-4) on Saturday.

By the way, if Florida Atlantic's football efforts seem comedic, it may be because the team learned something from its most famous alumnus, Scott Thompson, better known as Carrot Top.

Wreck, Record................. Last Loss..................... Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-6)................ 7-49, Nevada...................... TCU

2. Florida Atlantic (0-6)......... 0-20, Western Kentucky.. Middle Tenn

3. Arizona (1-5)......................... Idle...................................... UCLA

4. Colorado (1-6)...................... 24-52, Washington............ Oregon

5. B.C. (1-5)................................ Idle .......................................Va Tech

6. Akron (1-5)........................... Idle....................................... Ohio (Ohio)

7. La Verne & Shirley (1-4).... 17-52, Cal Lutheran............ Chapman

8. Middle-Aged Miss (2-4)..... 7-52, Alabama.................... Arkansas

9. UNLV (1-5)............................14-41, Wyoming................. Colorado State

10. Indiana (1-6).........................7-59, Wisconsin................ Northwestern.

11. Oregon State (1-5); 12. Kansas (2-4); 13. Kentucky (2-4); 14. Buffalo (2-5); 15. Memphis (1-6); 16. Idaho (1-6); 17. Miami (Fla.) (3-3); 18. Northwestern (2-4); 19. This space for rent; 20. The Pitts (3-4).

Crummy Game of the Weak: UCLA (3-3) at Arizona (1-5).

Rout of the Week: Oregon (5-1) all over Colorado (1-6),

No audible call here: Michigan football fan Johnny Wakefield paid $150 to rent an empty Ohio Stadium for an hour to propose marriage to Ohio State fan Abbey Zellers on the 50-yard line. "She said yes," reported Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, "though her commitment isn't binding until letter-of-intent day."

The Pros

How bad are the St. Louis Lambs this year? When Green Bay drubbed them 24-3 Sunday, Packer quarterback Aaron Rodgers said afterward that he had a "feeling of minor disappointment." That's right_the Lambs are so bad this year that when you whip them by just 21 points you feel like you've had an off-day.

Lambs running back Steven Jackson, meanwhile, said, ``For whatever reason, we get into the red zone, we keep shooting ourselves in the foot." Luckily, that wasn't how QB Sam Bradford suffered his ankle injury.

Meanwhile, Miami Herald columnist Greg Cote quizzed fans on his blog on whether the No. 2 Dolphins (0-5) should throw in the towel for the year. Just under 70% said the Dolphins should keep up the losing so they can draft Stanford's Andrew Luck.

This is known as "the Suck for Luck" movement. It's too soon to tell if it will lead to sit-ins around the nation in quarterback-deprived cities.

As for the No. 6 Philadelphia Dream-Teamers, they've gone from bad to merely mediocre. The DT's edged Washington, 20-13, in a game in which 'Skinned QB Rex Grossman threw four interceptions and showed why the Washington Post's Mike Wise says he has multiple personalities: ``Good Rex, Bad Rex and Train Rex."

Wreck, Record.............Last Loss.............. Next Loss

1. St. Louis (0-5)..................3-24, Bay (Green)..... Dallas

2. Miami (0-5).....................6-24, N.J. Jets............ Denver

3. Indianapolis (0-6).........17-27, Cincinnati......... New Orleans

4. Jacksonville (1-5)..........13-17, Pitts................... Baltimore

5. Dallas (2-3)....................16-20, New England.... St. Louis

6. Philadelphia (2-4); 7. Minnehaha (1-5); 8. Carolina (1-5); 9. Arizona (1-4); 10. Tie between Harbaugh (0-0-1) and Schwartz (0-0-1).

Crummy Game of the Weak: St. Louis (0-5) vs. Dallas (2-3).

Fantasy Flops: Jacksonville QB Blaine Gabbert (12 of 26 for 109 yards, 1 TD), Washington QB Rex Grossman (9 of 22 for 143 yards, 4 interceptions, no TDs), Houston RB Arian Foster (15 carries, 49 yards no TDs).

Turned off: The NFL requires offensive linemen to wear microphones to "enhance" broadcasts. The other day, Baltimore center Matt Birk was fined $5,000 for tearing off his mic after it came loose. Call it the silence of the Ravens.

Still sending...

Soon to be a major motion picture---``Crummyball"!

By Steve Harvey

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Colleges

For New Mexico, the 2011 season has been a lose-lose-lose-lose-lose proposition.

Lost Lobos' (0-5) remarkable consistency enabled them to take over No. 1 in the Bottom Ten this week even though they had a bye.

They replaced Oregon State (1-4), which said bye bye to the top spot following a shocking victory over the Arizona Mildcats (1-5).

Meanwhile, Kentucky climbed to No. 10 with an impressive 3-54 loss to South Carolina while No 14. Villanova (1-5) and No. 18 Northwestern (2-3) also recorded setbacks. Those three schools share the same nickname with Arizona, which explains all the talk about realigning them into a Mildcat Conference.

Coming up fast on the outside are the Jayshocked (2-3) of Kansas, who are giving up 49.4 points and 566 yards per game. Kansas, which reached new depths with a 28-70 loss to Oklahoma State on Saturday, should be able to reach the magical 50 points-allowed-per-game average Saturday when the team is fed to Oklahoma in one of two featured Routs of the Weak.

Poll experts pointed out that the two wins by the Jayshocked, coming early in the season, may be ignored by the voters later in the year when it comes time to pick a Bottom Ten champ.

And a tip of the helmet to No. 8 Florida State (2-3), a 10-game winner last year, which has been named most disappointing team of 2011 by Yahoo Sports.

Wreck, Record....... Last Lost Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-5).... Idle........................................... Nevada

2. Arizona (1-5)............ 27-37, Oregon State................ UCLA

3. Colorado (1-5)........... 7-48, Stanford..................... ...Washington

4. B.C. (1-5).................. 14-36, Clemson......................... Va Tech

5. Akron (1-5).............. 17-27, Florida International... Ohio (Ohio)

6. Kansas (2-3)............ 28-70, Oklahoma State........... Oklahoma

7. Indiana (1-5)............ 20-41, Ill.................................... Wisconsin

8. Florida State (2-3)..30-35, Wake Forest*............... Duke

9. UNLV (1-4)................ 0-37, Nevada.......................... Wyoming

10. Kentucky (2-4)........ 3-54, South Carolina.............. Jackson State

*This score is not a typographical error.

11. Miami (Fla.) (2-3); 12. Memphis (1-5); 13. Idaho (1-5); 14. Villanova (1-5); 15. Oregon State (1-4); 16. New Mexico State (2-3); 17. Other Miami (1-4); 18. Northwestern (2-3); 19. Campaigning in Iowa; 20. Ohio State (3-3).

Rout of the Weak (Tie) : Oklahoma (5-0) at Kansas (2-3); Indiana (1-5) at Wisconsin (5-0).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Nevada (2-3) at New Mexico (0-5).

The Pros

Minnehaha had blown leads in four straight games but even the Vikes couldn't fritter away a 28-0 lead.

They held on for a 34-10 win over 1-4 Arizona, not to be confused with the 1-5 University of Arizona, to exit the top spot in the Bottom Ten.

Minnehaha was replaced by the Philadelphia Nightmares (1-4) , whose 2011 season is over. Now they can only dream about getting a decent quarterback in next year's draft.

No. 3 Indianapolis stayed winless with a 24-28 loss to the Kansas City Chefs. Oddly enough the Chefs' winning touchdown drive was aided by a horse-collaring penalty against Indy's linebacker Philip Wheeler. How can horse-collaring penalty be called against a Colt?

Wreck, Record...................... Last Lost..............Next Loss

1. Philadelphia (1-4)....................... 24-31, Buffalo.......... Washington

2. St. Louis (0-4)............................ Idle............................. Green Bay

3. Miami (Fla.) (0-4)..................... Even Idler.................. N.J. Jets

4. Indianapolis (0-5)..................... 24-28, Kansas City... Cincinnati

5. Jacksonville (1-4) ......................20-30, Cincinnati...... The Pitts

6. Carolina (1-4); 7. Arizona (1-4); 8. Grampa Bay (3-2); 9. Denver (1-4); 10. (Tie) Yankees, Red Sox, Phillies (seasons over).

Dishonorable Mention: Philadelphia is dominating in some departments. Receiver DeSean Jackson, for example, is tied for third in most passes dropped this year with 3, trailing only Roddy White of Atlanta (6), Michael Crabtree of San Francisco (4).

Fantasy Flops: Tennessee RB Chris Johnson (51 yards in 14 carries); Denver QB Kyle Orton (6 of 13 passes for 34 yards, one interception); Grampa Bay QB Josh Freeman (17 of 33 passes for 187 yards, 2 interceptions, no TD passes).

Unclear on the concept: Against the Colts, Chefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe was penalized for delay of the game after spiking the ball following a 9-yard gain. Broadcaster Mark Malone pointed out that the real delay was caused by the officials, who stopped the game, conferred, then made the announcement to the spectators. As for Bowe's crime, Malone asked: ``Is there only one ball?"

The ghost of Al? : Replays show that when Oakland intercepted a Matt Schaub pass on the last play of the game to save a 25-20 win, the Raiders only had 10 players on the field. Or was Al Davis the 11th man? Don't count out Al, yet.

The Bottom Ten, a division of Bottom Ten International

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By Steve Harvey

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The Colleges

The Meager Beavers of Oregon State (0-4) constructed a small lead in the Bottom Ten but now comes their biggest test_the streaking Arizona Mildcats (1-4), who have chalked up four straight defeats.

This is an early-season crucial for each team, a must-lose game, a die-or-die situation. They don't get much smaller than this.

It's a tough one to call. The Mildcats scored 41 points last week but look who they did it against_ USC's push-over defense. The Beavers once scored 28---against Sacramento State (while allowing 29).

Meanwhile, the Ohio State checked in at No. 18 with a miserable offensive performance in a 7-10 loss to Michigan State. But there's a "silver lining" to Ohio State's mishaps, pointed out Janice Hough on LeftCoastSportsBabe.com: "This year, the Buckeyes won't have any big-time bowl memorabilia to sell."

Wreck, Record................. Last Loss.......................... Next Loss

1. Oregon State (0-4)............... 20-35, Arizona State.............. Arizona

2. New Mexico (0-5)................ 28-42, New Mexico State...... Nevada

3. Indiana (1-4)........................ 10-16, Penn State .....................Ill

4. Western Kentucky (0-4).... 22-26, Ark. State..................... Middle Tenn

5. Memphis (1-4)..................... 31-38, Middle Tenn................ Rice

6. Colorado (1-4)..................... 27-31, Washington State........ Stanford

7. Minnesota (1-4).................... 0-58, Michigan....................... Purdue

8. Arizona (1-4)........................41-48, USC ...............................Oregon State

9. Alabama (Birm.) (0-4)...... 23-24, Troy ..............................Mississippi State

10. UNLV (1-3) .......................16-41, Southern Utah ..............Nevada

11. Akron (1-4); 12. Buffalo (1-4); 13. Nevada (1-3); 14 B.C. (1-4); 15. Idaho (1-4); 16. Eat Carolina (1-3); 17. Minute Rice (1-3); 18. Ohio State (3-2); 19. Out of the country; 20. Texas at El Wobbly Paso (2-3).

Not-so-instant replay: A review of one play during the Hawaii-Louisiana Tech game took 22 minutes, believed to be an NCAA record. The issue was whether a play from scrimmage was canceled by a time out. (I can't be more specific---no one involved could remember the details once they made a ruling.)

The Pros

The Kansas City Chefs trailed Minnehaha 7-3 early Sunday. The Chefs knew they had the Vikings right where they wanted them inasmuch as Minnehaha blows a lead every week. In their first three games of the season, the Vikes led San Diego 17-7, Tampa Bay 17-0 and Detroit 20-0, losing each time.

Sure enough, the Vikes (0-4) eventually fell as well to the previously winless Chefs, 17-22.

But now Minnehaha has another tough test_a game against a team with just one victory_Arizona. Can the Vikes go ahead and blow another one?

Sure they can, especially when they know they have to keep up the losing to stay ahead of the No. 2 Philadelphia Dream Teamers. The DT's (1-3) fell to powerful San Francisco, 23-24.

Still in contention are the St. Louis Lambs (0-4) and Miasma Dolphins (0-4), both heavy underdogs against Idle this week. The Lambs have drawn attention with their unusual hurry-up defense, which allows opponents to hurry up and score.

Wreck, Record....... Last Loss.................. Next Loss

1. Minnehaha (0-4)..... 17-22, Kansas City......... Arizona

2. Philadelphia (1-3)... 23-24, San Francisco.... Buffalo

3. St. Louis (0-4)......... 10-17, Washington........ Idle

4. Miasma (0-4)............16-26, L.A./San Diego.. Idle

5. Indianapolis (0-4)... 17-24, Grampa Bay....... Kansas City

6. Jacksonville (1-3); 7. Denver (1-3); 8. Kansas City (1-3); 9. Arizona (1-3); 10. Brett Favre (for saying in a radio interview that he's surprised that successor Aaron Rodgers didn't win a Super Bowl "sooner" since the "talent" on the current Packers is "even better than when I was there").

Crummy Games of the Week: Arizona (1-3) at Minnehaha (0-4).

Rout of the Week: Buffalo (3-1) over Dream-Teamers (1-3).

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