Who's the Most Overpaid Coach?

By Steve Harvey
Inhuman Resources

Colleges 

OK, it's job evaluation time here at the halfway point of the Bottom Ten season.

Who's getting the least for the buck? That would appear to be the University of Texas, which is shelling out $5 million a year for coach Charlie Strong. The Short Horns are 3-5. So far, those wins have cost $1.67 million apiece.

Other non-bargains include Michigan's Brady Hoke_3 wins on a $4.3 million salary_and Florida's Will Muschamp_3 wins for $3 million.

Muschamp said he was adopting a bunker mentality, prompting reader Bill Littlejohn to ask Seattle Times columnist Dwight Perry: "Which one, Archie or Edith?"

As for the Trojans of No.7 Steve Sarkisian: On SC's VERY objective pre-game show last weekend, the analysts said that Utah's offense "was anemic" and "just not there" and predicted that USC would be too much of a "step up in competition." Naturally, Utah won 24-21.

If you get out a telescope, you might be able to get a glimpse of the Trojans, now in 4th place of the Pac-12's South Division with their $4 million dollar catch.

Coach, Team, Record............Salary...........Cost Per Win
1. Strong (Texas) (3-5)............$5 million.......$1.67 million
2. Hoke (Mich.) (3-5) .............$4.3 million....$1.43 million
3. Saban (Ala.) (7-1).............. $7.3 million.....$1.04 million
4. Sumlin (Texas A$M) (5-3) $5 milllion...... $1 million
5. Franklin (Penn St) (4-3)......$4 million........$1 million
6. Muschamp (Fla.) (3-3)....... $3 million.........$1million
7. Spurrier (S.C.)  (4-4) ..........$4 million........ $1million
8. Stoops (Okla.) (5-2)........... $4.75 million....$940,000
9. Sarkisian (USC) (5-3) ........$4.2 million......$850,000
10. Ferentz (Iowa) (5-2)..........$4 million.........$800,000

                                         Finally! New Orleans beats Carolina to end 7-game                                       
                                         losing streak on road
The Pros

Lowlight of last weekend's NFL action? Wall Street Journal reporter Kevin Clark tweeted that "CBS came back from a break to remind viewers that this Raiders-Browns game is brought you by the sequel to 'Dumb and Dumber.' Really."

Who else would sponsor a team with an 0-7 record?

Chatsports.com noted that since the No. 1 Raiders last had a winning season, the world has seen such happenings as the launching of Facebook, the invention of smart phones, the birth of some 800 million people, the firing of 6 Raiders coaches, and the the Raiders' usage of 15 different starters at QB (oh, where have you gone, Jamarcus Russell?).

The team's last winning season, incidentally, was 2002.

Is it any wonder that when the NBA recently experimented with 11-minute quarters in an exhibition game, the Raiders reportedly asked if the NFL couldn't experiment with 11-minute games?

Getting back to "Dumber and Dumber," football version:  Buffalo's Sammy Watkins caught what would have been a long TD pass from QB Kyle Orton against the No. 2 Jets, except that he slowed down on his way to the end zone and pointed sarcastically into the MetLife Stadium stands.

And the Jets' Saalim Hakim tackled him from behind. No TD. Not that that matters when you're playing the Jets, who fell to Buffalo, 23-43.

Wreck, Record.......... Last Loss................  Next Loss

1. Oakland (0-7).......... 13-23, Cleveland...... Seattle
2. N.J. Jets (1-7).......... 23-43, Buffalo.......... K.C.
3. Tennessee (2-6)....... 16-30, Houston........ Off
4. Chicago (3-5).......... 23-51, New England.Off
5. K.C. Royals (3-4).... 2-3, S.F.....................Off
6. Jacksonville (1-7); 7. St. Louis (2-5); 8. Idle; 9. Grampa Bay (1-6); 10. NFC South (10-21).

Quotebook 1: Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald on Dallas Cowboys' decision not to suspend receiver Joseph Randle, a suspected shoplifter: "Instead, they chose to think of him as this week's team leader in takeaways."

Quotebook 2: Comic Alan Ray, in the Seattle Times'' Sideline column, on how to know if you're trick-or-treating at a Jets' receiver's house: "He's the one with the Butterfingers."

Kiffin Synonymous With 'Villain' in Tennessee

                                         If you think USC fans aren't fond of Kiffin...

By Steve Harvey
Team Member


THE COLLEGES

Welcome to the Bottom Ten. But, first, a political ad (17 seconds).

Lane Kiffin has still not been forgiven for leaving the head coaching job at Tennessee after 14 months to take the same position at USC. Kiffin is, in fact, so reviled in the Volunteer State that he's in a political attack ad there (see above).

Eddie Smith, a candidate for the Tennessee House of Reps, has charged that opponent Gloria Johnson, the incumbent, has "made a lot of big promises...like Lane Kiffin" and is "all talk" like Kiffin, now an assistant at Alabama, where he is no talk (coach Nick Saban does not allow his minions to speak to the press).

 Now back to your regularly scheduled Bottom Ten.

For the eighth straight week, the No. 1 team was dethroned. The most recent leaders to tumble were the Texas Short Horns and the Michigan Woe-verines.

In a controversial move, the selectors re-admitted Miami (Oh!) to No. 1 despite a 42-41 victory over Ole Mass on their record. Of course, Miami (1-7) does lead the nation in defeats.

North Carolina (3-4) moved up to No. 2 amid indications its won-lost record may be altered. The New York Times reported  an investigation found that  that more than 3,100 UNC students, 47.6% of them athletes, received As and Bs in nonexistent  classes. UNC, according to one report, is expected to forfeit every victory in every sport over the last 117 years, except, possibly, one 1968 debate squad match.

Team, Record............ Last Loss.................. Next Loss
1. Miami (Oh?) (1-7)... 41-51, N Ill................ Kent State
2. No Carolina (3-4).... Def. Ga Tech, 48-43..Va
3. SMU (0-6)............... 3-41, Cincinnati......... Memphis
4. Tulsa (1-6).............. 30-38, S. Florida......... Idle
5. Troy (1-6)............... 14-53, App  St...........  S Bama
6. Georgia St (1-6)...... 27-30, S Bama........... Ga Sou
7. New Mexico (2-5).. 31-35, Air Force......... UNLV
8. Kent State (1-6)....... Def. Army 39-7.......... Miami (Oh!)

9. Kansas (2-5)..............21-34, Texas Tech......Baylor

10. Colorado (2-5)....... 28-56, USC................ UCLA

Note from Andy Furillo, Bottom Ten's Sacramento bureau chief: "Looking forward to Saturday's Big "Ten" traditional between Nebraska and Rutgers."

                                  An opposing player openly mocks Raiders

THE PROS

Still another guest Bottom Ten selector popped up_sidelined Arizona defensive end Darnell Dockett, who taunted Raiders fans with a sign that said: "Worst Team in NFL...0-6" (see above).

Hey, no hard feelings---Dockett drew a smiley face inside the 0.

As Dockett forecast, the Raiders lost and were elevated to No. 1.

But Oakland might still get a fight from the 1-6 New Jersey Jets, who fell to New England, 25-27.

The Jets did so by extending one of the most beloved streaks in the NFL. For the 69th straight game, they failed to make a 2-point conversion, most notably at the end of the game when they could have sent it into overtime.

Wreck, Record ..........Last Loss.................. Next Loss

1. N.J. Jets (1-6)......... 25-27, New England.. Buffalo

2. Oakland (0-6)......... 13-24, Arizona........... Cleveland

3. Atlantis (2-5)............ 7-29, Baltimore..........Detroit

4. Tennessee (2-5)...... 17-19, Washington......Houston

5. Grampa Bay (1-5).... Off ............................Minnehaha............

6.  Jacksonville (1-6);  7. Minnehahha (2-5); 8. Washington (2-5); 9. N.J. Giants (3-4); 10. The Chicago Bears locker room, starring Brandon Marshall.

And the Eyes of Texas Looked on in Disbelief...

By Steve Harvey
Spores Editor

THE COLLEGES

Everything is bigger in Texas, including losing college football teams.

The state's Short Horns have taken over No. 1 in the Bottom Ten, following a 26-31 loss to Oklahoma. Texas replaced Michigan, which shocked Penn State, 18-13.

Bottom Ten selectors, apparently angry over being made to look unknowledgeable by Michigan_not that this was the first time_angrily announced that the Wolverines were suspended from the rankings indefinitely. There was talk about a lifetime ban.

While Michigan had gone into the game with two wins, the selectors were hoping that the Wolverines' star appeal would lead to the creation of a Bottom Ten reality show.

Now the BT's cable division must depend on Texas, which meets Iowa State (2-4). The Short Horns, rejecting the current up-tempo strategy, reportedly intend to introduce a down-tempo offense, the goal being to run off less than 12 plays per game in order to cut down on their own fumbles, interceptions, etc.

 School, Record........ Last Loss.................. Next Loss
1. Texas (2-4)........... 26-31, Oklahoma........ Iowa State
2. Kent State (0-6)..... 17-40, Ole Mass......... Army
3. Ball State (1-5)........38-42, W Mich.......... Central Mich
4. Wash. State (2-5)... 17-34, Stanford.......... Arizona
5. Idaho (0-6)..............24-47, Ga South........ New Mexico St
6. Georgia State (1-5)..10-52, Arkansas........ So Alabama
7. App St (1-5) ...........48-55, Liberty........... Troy
8. People who talk about apps..................................................
9. SMU (0-5)...............Idle........................... Cincinnati
10. Ole Mass (1-6).......Def. Kent St 40-17... E Michigan
122. UCLA (ranking among 125 top-level teams in protecting its quarterback; Bruins allow 4.17 sacks per game).

Crummy Game of the Week: Texas (2-4) vs. Iowa State (2-4).

Worst Guests Dept.: The L.A. Daily News' Scott Wolf reports that USC football players destroyed a temporary wall in a ballroom at the Omni Los Angeles hotel in what was described as a pre-planned "free for all" before an Oct. 4 loss to Arizona State.  The next week, the  Trojans left a hole in the wall of the visitors' locker room at Arizona Stadium.

T-Shirt of the Week: OC Register columnist Steve Fryer notes that, for this week's Notre Dame-Fla. State game, Irish rooters devised a shirt paying tribute to arrest of Seminoles QB Jameis Winston for shoplifting seafood. The shirt shows a smiling crab with the caption, "Catholics vs. Criminoles."

Quotebook: UCLA coach Jim Mora said disciplinary measures against players would "be handled in-house." Better than out-house?

PROS

This week's guest Bottom Ten voter_though he didn't know it_was Denver tight end Julius Thomas. After catching his second TD pass in a 17-31 drubbing of the fuel-less Jets, Thomas was overheard exclaiming, "It's so easy."

It was just as simple for the rest of the voters to elevate the Jets (1-5) to No. 1 in the Bottom Ten.

Meanwhile, a few days before the Raiders' game against San Diego, new interim Raiders coach Tony Sparano called the team to together and had a hole dug in the turf. Several players rushed to his side, fearing that Sparano despaired of ever winning and was going to jump in the hole.

But instead Sparano buried a football as a symbolic good-bye gesture to the Dennis Allen era.

The burial was carried out. But, unfortunately for the Raiders, officials were able to find another ball to use and the Raiders continued their losing ways, 28-31, to San Diego_a nice try.

Bottom Ten selectors care nothing about nice tries.

Elsewhere, satellite photos indicated that the island of Atlantis (2-4) had sunk into the Atlantic, its Super Bowl chances purely mythical.


Team, Record............. Last Loss............ Next Loss
1.N.y. Jets (1-5).......... 17-31, Denver....... New England
2. Raiders (0-5)........... 28-31, S Diego..... Arizona
3. Jax (0-6).................. 14-16, Tennessee...Cleveland
4. Grampa Bay (1-5)... 17-48, Baltimore... Off
5. Balt. O's (0-4)........... 1-2, K.C. .............Done
6. Washington (1-5);  7. St. Louis (1-4); 8. Atlantis (2-4); 9. New Orleans (2-3); 10. Miami (Fla.) (2-3).

Crummy Game of the Week: Tennessee (2-4) at Washington (1-5).

Last week's (unintentionally) funniest pre-game ESPN promo (for Green Bay-Miami game): "Can the Packers dominate or will the Dolphins win their second straight?" Ooh. The suspense!

                    Raiders coach Tony Sparano: Trying to fill hole in offensive line?

USC's Prevent (Victory) Defense Does It Again

                                     The Oregon Duck after  24-31 loss to Arizona

By Steve Harvey
Senior Couch Potato

COLLEGES

What a shake-up in the college rankings after last weekend's upsets, eh?

I'm of course referring to the 42-41 upset thrashing by No. 1 Miami (Oh!) of Ole Mass (0-6), sending Miami down, down, down to No. 7 in the Bottom Ten rankings. If you win, you pay the price in the Bottom Ten.

Ole Mass played so well in defeat it was dropped from No. 1 to No. 2.

And the new No. 1 is Michigan, a 24-26 loser to mighty Rutgers. It was the extinct Wolverines' 10th setback in 14 games.

USC's  Trojans returned to No. 10 after displaying the worst Prevent (Victory) Defense in the nation against Arizona State. The Sun Devils beat them, 34-38, on a Hail Mary pass by Devils QB Mike Bercovici, who threw for 221 yards in the final 6:26. That works out to 2,095 yards for a 60-minute game. And Bercovici was the second-string QB.

The Trojans incidentally gave up 510 yards through the air vs. the Sun Devils. A few weeks earlier, they gave up 452 yards on the ground to Boston College. Talk about a versatile defense.

Of course, for USC, it's all jus a warmup for the Las Vegas Bowl.


Team, Record........... Last Loss*............... Next Loss
1. Michigan (2-4)...... 24-26, Rutgers........... Penn St
2. Ole Mass (0-6)...... 41-42, Miami (O)........Kent State
3. SMU (0-5)............ 24-45, E Carolina....... Cincy
4. Troy (0-5)............. Idle............................. N Mexico St
5. UNLV (1-5) .........10-33, San Jose St...... Fresno St
6. 1-5 Freeway.......... Worst  Ground Game in Nation
7. Miami (Oh!) (1-5). Def. Ole Mass, 42-41...Akron
8. Idaho (0-5)...........  30-35, Texas St............Ga. Southern
9. You Con (1-4)...... 10-36, Temple............. Two Lane
10. USC (3-2)........... 34-38, Arizona St........ Arizona

*Some scores may be incomplete due to power outages of Bottom Ten computers.

Crummy Game of Week: Ole Mass (0-6) vs. Kent State (0-5)


THE PROS

No less an authority than Jim Rome calls it the funniest Thursday TV program since "Friends." He's referring to the NFL's Thursday Night Football on CBS, which has presented four straight duds featuring losers who resembled the Keystone Kops.

Last week, Minnehaha fell to Green Bay, 10-42. In the weeks before that, Washington was routed by the Giants 14-45, Grampa Bay was eviscerated by Atlanta 14-56 and the Pitts fell 6-26 to Baltimore. That's an average margin of 31 points per game.

"It (Thursday Night Football) sucks man, I hate it," offensive lineman Josh Sitton told a Milwaukee reporter a few days before his game vs. Minnehaha. "I felt like crap today. Will probably feel like crap on Thursday. I think it's stupid. I think it's all about money for the NFL."

Next Thursday laughfest: Houston against Indy.

Elsewhere, the Beagles tried to become the first team in history to blow a 27-point lead. Luckily for them they were playing the hapless (Please Don't Move to L.A.) Rams. Final score: Beagles 34, Rams 28.

Team, Record........ Last Loss.............. Next Loss
1. Thurs Night FB..10-42, G. Bay....... Indy vs. Houston
 2. Jax (0-5)............. 9-17, Pitts............ Tennessee
3. N.J. Jets (1-4)...... 0-31, San Diego ..Denver
4. Oakland (0-4)...... Off...................... San Diego
5. Washingon (1-4) 17-27, Seattle....... Arizona
6. St. Louis (1-3); 7. Grampa Bay (1-4); 8. Idle; 9. Minnesota (2-3); 10. Chicago (2-3).

Quotebook: "I apologize to our fans---those that are left," Jets coach Rex Ryan said after a 0-31 loss to San Diego. Hey, coach, the Bottom Ten will always be a fan!

Taking the "foot" out of football: Detroit has missed 8 of 12 field goal attempts this year. Write to Detroit, not to me, if you want a tryout.

                                             Cleveland Browns fans absorb a lot of pain

View photo

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Miserable Michigan makes its move

By Steve Harvey
Miscommunications Dept.

COLLEGES

It's shaping up as the Bottom Ten event of the year: two of the losingest teams in the nation, Ole Mass (0-5) and Miami (Oh!) (0-5) will bump into each other and try not to fall down.

The loser could take sole possession of No. 1, assuming someone wins, which is no certainty

Of course, just behind the duo is miserable Michigan (2-3). "This team can still win championships," Michigan coach Brady Hoke said a few days ago, and he's right.

The Wolverines, losers of nine of their last 13, can still capture the Bottom Ten championship.

Next, they will be ground up by merciless Rutgers (4-1).

I don't know about you but I'm getting a little tired of these big-name sports powers, such as Rutgers, scheduling push-overs, like poor little Michigan, to make their won-lost record look more formidable.

Elsewhere, two wrecks in progress, You Conn (1-4)  and Too Lane (1-4) will stumble into each other.

And, UCLA, the worst 4-0 team in the nation, gave up 626 yards in a 62-27 win over Arizona State.  Secretive UCLA coach Jim Mora refused to say who played quarterback during the game.


Team, Record.......... Last Loss ..................Next Loss
1. Miami (Oh!) (0-5). 27-35, Buffalo........... Ole Mass
2. Ole Mass (0-5) ......42-47, Bowling Grn...Miami (Oh!)

3. Michigan (2-3) .....14-30, Minnehaha ......Rutgers

4. SMU (0-4) .............0-56, TCU................ E Carolina

5. Kansas (2-2) .........-Coach .......................W Virginia
6. Troy (0-5) .............20-22, Monroe........... New Mexico St
7. Idaho (0-4)............ 10-34, S Alabama...... Texas State
8. UNLV (1-4)......... 17-34, SD St............... San Jose St
9. Two Lane (1-4) ......6-31, Rutgers............ You Con
10. You Con (1-4).... 10-36, Temple............ Two Lane

Others receiving votes (in reverse alphabetical order): Semester at Sea (0-0); the University of Phoenix (0-0); Electoral College (0-0).

Rout of the Week: Rutgers (4-1) over Michigan (2-3).

Crummy Game of the Week, Year, Decade: Ole Mass (0-5) at Miami (Oh!) (0-5).

Special Citation: As  befits their nickname, the Sun Devils of Arizona State topped UCLA in time of demonic possession, 34:07 to 25:53.

PROS

How about a special Bottom Ten welcome for this week's guest stars, the U.S. Ryder Cup team hacks, who lost to Europe for the 8th time in 10 meetings?

Isn't it time to revise the procedures here, organize a Western Hemisphere Ryder Cup competition and require that the Americans to win a tournament in order to qualify to lose to the Europeans?

Right behind the hacks is No. 2 Jacksonville, which is giving up 38 points per game. About the only professional team with a more porous defense is the Secret Service outfit at the White House. 

No. 3 is Oakland, which fell 14-38 to Miami (Fla.) in London, though it should be noted that Miami had the home-ocean advantage (Atlantic).

No. 4 is Old Orleans, which is so bad that other teams have invited the harmless Aints to put bounties out on them, just to get a good laugh.

Loser, Wreckage............ Last Loss.................... Next Loss

1. U.S.Ryder Cup  (2-8)...11 1/2-16 1/2, Europe...Finito

2. Jacksonville (0-4).........14-33, San Diego......... The Pitts

3. Oakland (0-4) ..............14-38, Miami............... Healing nicely

4. Old Orleans (1-3) ........17-38 Dallas................ Tampa

5. Olde England (2-2)..... 14-41, K.C...................Cincinnati

6. N.J. Jets (1-3); 7. Tennessee (1-3); 8. Washington (1-3); 9. Grampa Bay (1-3); 10. Carolina (2-2).

Crummy Game of the Week: Grampa (1-3) vs. Old Orleans (1-3).