These Coaches Are No Bargains

Oregon Duck (above), as team is squashed for second time in three games.



By Steve Harvey
Bottom Ten Cast Member


Shown by Appointment Only

Colleges

It's the holiday season, a time when the most hallowed tradition is SHOPPING. So, let's talk about shopping for football coaches.

Mainly, let's see which colleges are getting the least for their money from their clipboard-holders, according to salary statistics compiled by USAToday and other sources.

The furthest thing from a bargain is Low Cal coach Sonny Dykes,  who is 1-11. Since he is paid $2.4 million per year, he costs Cal $2.4 million per win, according to the sophisticated computers at Bottom Ten headquarters.

Best known name on the list is No. 10 Mack Brown of Texas, who has a (yearly) salary of $5.3 million and has rewarded the school with conference finishes of third, sixth and sixth over the last three years.

Alas, Norm Chow of Hawaii ($500,000 per year) was not included in the rankings because his pay per win this year could not be calculated. He has no wins.


Coach, Team, Record...................... Salary.............Pay Per Win

1. Sonny Dykes, Cal (1-11)............... $2.4 million....... $2.4 million
2. Darrell Hazell, Purdue (1-10)......... $2.1 million...... $2.1 million
3. Butch Jones, Tennessee (4-7)........ $4.8 million....... $1.2 million
4. Mike London, Virginia (2-9)......... $2.2 million........$1.1 million
5. Mark Stoops, Kentucky (2-9)........ $2 million........... $1 million
6. Bret Bielema, Arkansas (3-8)........ $2.9 million........ $.96 million

7. Dave Doeren, N Car St (3-8) ........$2.6 million........ $.86 million

8. Paul Rhoads, Iowa St (2-9)........... $1.7 million........ $.85 million
9. Charlie Weis, Kansas (3-8)........... $2.5 million........ $.83 million
10. Mack Brown, Texas (7-3) ...........$5.3 million........ $.76 million

Pros

Houston running back Ben Tate says the solution to his team's problems is simple: Bring back Vanilla Ice to perform.

The last time Ice sang at halftime of a Houston game, the Texans won, pushing their record to 2-0. They've lost nine straight since then, seizing control of the Bottom Ten from the Lost Team of Atlantis.

Vanilla Ice's real name, by the way, is Robert Matthew Van Winkle. Houston's offense is about as wide awake as another, slightly more famous, Van Winkle.

Moving up to No. 2 among the worst teams in the NFL was Washington, whose quarterback was called RG3-and-8 by New York Times pro football correspondent Maureen Dowd.

It isn't often you hear the general manager of a 6-5 team brag about his personal performance. But the  Cowboys' unflappable owner/GM Jerry Jones told an interviewer, "I'm getting to do some of the best work that I've done, relatively speaking, in my career over these last several years."

Of course that isn't saying much when you consider that Dallas has won exactly one (1) (uno) (un) playoff game in the last 17 years under Jones' leadership.

Team, Record................ Last Loss........................... Next Loss
1. Houston (2-9)............ 6-13, Jacksonville.............. New England
2. Washington (3-8)....... 6-27, S.F........................... N.J. Giants
3. Atlantis (2-9).............. 13-17, New Orleans .........Buffalo
4. Green Bay (0-3-1)*.....Tied Minnehaha, 26-26.... Detroit
5. Jacksonville (2-9)....... Def. Houston, 13-6........... Cleveland
6. Raiders (4-7); 7. Tampa-at-Bay (2-9); 8. N.J. Jets (5-6); 9. Cleveland (4-7); 10. N. J. Giants (4-7).

*Record since QB Aaron Rodgers was injured (and team declined to sign Tim Tebow as replacement).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Cleveland (4-7) vs. Jacksonville (2-9).

Atlantis Building Up Reverse Momentum

By Steve Harvey
Resident Wit (at least half the time)

Colleges

The Bottom Ten has a flurry of must-lose crucials this week.

No. 6 Ew! Conn (0-9) will see if it can get the worst of No. 7. Temple (1-9). No. 8 Purdon't will show what it doesn't have against weak Ill (3-7). And No. 9 Iowa State (1-9) will face the difficult challenge of losing to coaching genius Charlie Weis and No. 20 Kansas (3-7).

Florida, which began the season ranked No. 10 in some Top 25 polls, held on to No. 1 in the BT, continuing its amazing descent from a 4-1 start to a 4-6 disaster.

Miami (O.) is No. 2 with a not-quite-so surprising 11-game losing streak.

Even harder to watch on television than "Hawaii Five-O" is  Hawaii 0-Ten football. Book 'em at No. 3, Danno.

No. 10 Low Cal (1-10), which  meets Stanford (8-2), has asked the Stanford band to run onto the field after the opening kickoff_and stay there.

Wreck, Record............... Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. Florida (4-6)................ 14-19, S Carolina ...... Ga Southern
2. Miami (Oh!) (0-11)....... 7-44, Buffalo............ Ball St (11-29)
3. Hawaii (0-10).............. 21-28, San Diego St.. Wyoming
4. So So Miss (0-10).......... 7-41, Fla Atlantic..... Middle Tennis St
5. Georgia State (0-10)..... 21-35, Lafayette .........Arkansas St
6. Ew! Conn (0-9)............ 21-38, SMU............... Temple
7. Temple (1-9)............... 36-39, UCF................ Ew Conn
8. Purdon't (1-9).............. 21-45, Penn St ............Ill
9. Iowa St (1-9)............... 10-48, Oklahoma........ Kansas
10. Low Cal (1-10)......... 24-41, Colorado.......... Stanford

11. Ole Mass (1-9), 12. FIU (1-9); 13. Idle; 14. New Mexico St (1-9); 15. Idaho (1-9); 16. W Michigan (1-10); 17. Kentucky (2-8); 18. Virginia (2-8); 19 E. Michigan (2-8); 20. Kansas (3-7).

Pros

How about squabbling Tampa-at-Bay? Just a few weeks ago, critics were saying that coach Greg Schiano had "lost the locker room." What a break it was, then, that local detectives found the locker room in some bushes on the side of I-4 highway. 

Since then, the Bucs_with a place to shower and dress_ have been practically ept,  most recently whipping the No. 1 Lost Team of Atlantis, 41-28 .

Atlantis checked in at No. 1 after losing twice in five days, a pace that even No.2 Jacksonville couldn't keep up with.

Houston registered at No. 3 after a 23-28 loss to Oakland but the Texans face a big challenge to their bumbling ways Sunday when they play Jacksonville in the Crummy Game of the 21st Century.

The No. 10 Pits appeared in throw-back striped jerseys (see photo at top), looking something like convicts--an image you'd think the NFL would want to avoid.

Wreck, Record......... Last Loss ...........................................Next Loss

1. Atlanta (2-9).......... 28-41, Tampa-at- Bay, 13-17, N.O..... New Orleans
2. Jacksonville (1-9).. 14-27, Arizona.................................... Houston

3. Houston (2-8)........ 23-28, Oakland................................... Jacksonville

4. Washington (3-7).. 16-24, Philadelphia .............................S.F.

5. Baltimore (4-6)...... 20-23, Chicago................................... N.J. Jets

6. Minnehaha (2-8); 7. Tampa at Bay (2-8); 8. St. Louis (4-6); 9. San Diego (4-6); 10. The Pits (4-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Houston (2-8) vs. Jacksonville (1-9) (a game so terrible that the NFL refuses to reveal where it's being played).

Some Pre-Thanksgiving Turkeys

Ducks (above) after 20-26 loss to Stanford

By Steve Harvey
Informed Source

It's the never-ending philosophical argument in Bottom Ten land. Should the team having the worst season over-all be honored? Or should it be the worst team of the moment?

The selectors took the latter road, elevating Florida to No. 1 after the toothless Gators registered their fourth straight loss (and to Vanderbilt). It doesn't get much worse than that.

Bolstering Florida's case was the the fact that the school was rated No. 10 in pre-season polls---the TOP 25 polls.

The Gators' main rival, of the moment, is Miami (Oh!), which leads the nation in defeats with 10.

And how about a hearty welcome to the new No. 20 member, the Sports Illustrated Jinx. Oregon was featured on the cover of the magazine's Nov. 4 issue, which was headlined: "Oregon Redefined West Coast Football. Now It's Time to Conquer America" (see photo at end of column).

Naturally, the Ducks went out and got whomped by Stanford, 20-26. Maybe the Ducks should concern themselves with conquering the Pac-12 North Division before they go after America.


The rankled:
Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss..................Next Loss
1. Florida (0-4)*.......... 17-34, Vanderbilt (!) ....South Carolina
2. Miami (Oh!) (0-10)... 6-24, Kent State......... Buffalo
3. Purdon't (1-8).......... 14-38, Iowa................. Penn St
4. Low Cal (1-9).......... 28-62, USC................ Colorado
5. Georgia St (0-9)....... Idle.............................. LA Lafayette
6. Hawaii (0-9)............ 28-42, Navy................ San Diego St
7. Temple (1-8)........... 20-23, Rutgers .............UCF
8. Ew Conn (0-8)........ 10-31, Louisville .........SMU
9. So So Miss (0-9)..... 13-36, La Tech............ Fla Atlantic
10. New Mex St (1-9).. Idle............................. Idaho
11. Idaho (1-9); 12. Idle ; 13. Iowa St (1-8); 14. Kansas (2-7); 15. Virginia (2-8); 16. Ole Mass (1-8); 17. FIU (1-8); 18. Kentucky (2-7); 19. Texas at El Deflated Paso (1-8); 20. Sports Illustrated jinx.
*Since Oct. 12.
Crummy Game of the Weak: New Mexico State (1-9) vs. Idaho (1-9).

The Pros

And then there were none. Jacksonville and Tampa Bay scratched out their first victories, thereby ending their dreams of compliling 0-16 seasons. The two teams will just have to put these wins behind them and attempt to start new losing streaks. It won't be easy, but then it never is.

Meanwhile, the Lost Team of Atlantis sank into the Bottom Ten lead. As many analysts had predicted before the season, this could be the year that Atlantis finally nabs a championship (although it's true that most of the critics were talking about the Falcons triumphing in the Super Bowl bid, not the Bottom Ten bowl).

Elsewhere, Groan Bay petitioned the BT to throw out the results of the Pack's first 8 games, pointing out that, with Aaron Rodgers sidelined, GB is now truly one of the worst teams in the NFL. The always-cooperative BT said, OK.

Chiefs WR Dwayne Bowe was arrested for speeding and alleged marijuana possession, after which his attorney told the Kansas City Star that "this incident will not be a distraction to (Bowe's) commitment to excellence on the football field."

Commitment to excellence? Was this a hint that Bowe expects to be traded to No. 9 Oakland? Certainly he would fit in there.

The Raiders, by the way, fell to the Giants, 24-20, having apparently been distracted by Eli Manning's new mustache.

And defensive end William Hayes of No. 10 St. Louis drove his forearm into a mirror, suffering a bad cut, noted Yahoo's Anwar Robertson, "in addition to the 7 years of bad luck he received." Just what the Cardinals needed.

Team, Record............ Last Loss...................... Next Loss
1. Atlanta (2-7)........... 10-33, Seattle................. Tampa Bay
2. Jacksonville (1-8).... Def. Tennessee, 29-27.. Arizona
3. Tampa Bay (1-8)..... Def. Miami, 22-19........ Atlantis
4. Groan Bay (0-1)*.... 13-27, Philadelphia....... N.J Giants
5. Miami (Fla.) (4-5).... 19-22, Tampa............... San Diego
*Record when Aaron Rodgers does not start.

6. Houston (2-7); 7. Buffalo (3-7); 8. Pits (3-6); 9. Oakland (3-6); 10. St. Louis (4-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Tampa Bay (1-8) vs. Atlanta (2-7).

..

Where It's Halloween Every Week...

By Steve Harvey
First-time caller, long-time listener


Nobody, Nobody and Nobody likes this

Colleges

The rankings were shaken up by Purdon't as the Boilers took over the Bottom Ten lead on the non-strength of a 0-56 loss to Ohio State.

Actually, the game was closer than the score indicated. One Buckeye PAT kick was nearly wide.

For Purdon't, and winless teams such as Georgia State, Hawaii and Miami (Oh!),  the end of daylight saving time meant one gloomy fact: the season is an extra hour longer.

Newest member, by the way, is No. 11 Colorado, which took advantage of a change in the BT's trend-setting rating system. The BT will now take into consideration not only a team's won-lost record but also its record in calling coin flips. Colorado is a shocking 1-7 in coin tosses this year. A team spokesman said the Buffs would spend extra time practicing coin-calls this week.

Meanwhile,  Nick Saban continued to deny rumors that the only college he would leave Alabama for is UTEP.

Wreck, Record............................................. Last Loss....................... Next Loss
1. Purdon't (1-7)............................................. 0-56, Ohio State.............. Iowa
2. Low Cal (1-8)........................................... 28-33, Arizona................. USC
3. Georgia St (0-9)....................................... .28-44, W Kentucky.......... Idle
4. Hawaii (0-8)............................................. 10-47, Utah St ..................Navy
5. Ole Mass (1-8).......................................... 19-63, N Ill .......................More Idle
6. Miami (Oh!) (0-9)....................................... 3-45, Bowling Green...... Kent State
7. Idaho (1-8)................................................ 21-37, Texas St................. Old Dominion
8. You Conn (0-7)........................................ Idler .................................. Louisville
9. So Miss (0-8) ............................................13-61, Marshall..................La Tech
10. FIU (1-7)................................................ 13-34, E Carolina...............Middle Tennis St

11. Colorado (3-5); 12. Texas at El Broken Up Paso (1-7); 13. New Mexico St (1-8); 14. (Tie) W and E Mich (each 1-8); 16. Temple (1-8); 17. Iowa St (1-7); 18. Idle St; 19. Kansas (2-6); 20. Virginia (2-7).

Rout of the Weak: USC (6-3) over Low Cal (1-8).

Congrats (Maybe)! Ohio State's Urban Meyer, conqueror of Purdon't, became the first head coach to win his first 20 games at a 1-A school since Larry Coker won his first 24 at Miami (Fla.). Coker was fired 51 games later.

Pros

Jacksonville plays Tennessee on the road Sunday so rather than wear bags over their heads at the game, Jaguar fans will wear them in front of their TV sets.  You never know when someone might drop by your house.

A week from Sunday, however, Jacksonville hosts the Arizona Cardinals.  For a previous home game, Jaguars management offered free beers to anyone who bought a ticket for $45 or more. Speculation has it that for the Cardinals game, Jacksonville will hold a drawing of ticket-buyers and allow the winner to play quarterback.

Why not? Couldn't do much worse for a team averaging 10.7 points per game and allowing 33 per game.

Hence the latest catchy message on a Jaguars head bag: "Only Sack in Jax."

Possibly the most upset player of the week was safety James Ihedigbo of No. 5 Baltimore, who was accused of  putting his hands around Cleveland receiver Greg Little's neck and squeezing during one pileup. Ihedigbo vehemently denied the charge. He doesn't choke, he said.

Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss................................. Next Loss
1. Jacksonville (0-8)........ In Hiding.................................. Tennessee
2. Grampa Bay (0-8)....... 24-27, Seattle............................ Miami
3. Minnehaha (1-7) ..........23-27, Dallas............................ New Orleans
4. Pits (2-6) ......................31-55, New England................ Buffalo
5. Baltimore (3-5)............ 18-24, Cleveland...................... Cincinnati
6. Atlantis (2-6); 7. Houston (2-6); 8. Raiders (3-5); 9. St. Louis (3-6);  10. Miami  (season's over).

Crummy Game of the Weak:  Grampa Bay (0-8) vs. Miami (Fla.) (4-4) (if the Dolphins have any players left).

Rout of the Weak: New Orleans (6-2) over Minnehaha (1-7).

Does Bottom Ten Have East Coast Bias?

By Steve Harvey
Informed Source,
Bottom Ten


Colleges

With New Mexico State and Western Michigan suffering victories, the number of winless teams in the nation fell to four, or five if you count Georgia State, which may or may not really exist. No one is quite sure.

Still, Lo Cal (1-7) remained atop the Bottom Ten amid speculation that the voters didn't want to be accused of harboring an East Coast bias.

In past years, some Westerners have charged that Eastern voters didn't stay up late to see the really bad Pacific Coast teams on television. As the Bottom Ten has stated many times, this charge is patently false because BT voters watch few if any games.

Down South, an Alabama restaurant displayed some advice for No. 20 Arkansas coach Bret Bielema after he accused Auburn of sharing game films that were missing Tigers' plays (see photo below). In fact,  Bielema was skeptical of the authenticity of the films in general after one of his coaches pointed out that they showed flag football scenes.

(www.kennysmith.org)

Wreck, Record..... Last Loss.................. Next Loss

1. Lo Cal (1-7) ..........17-41, Washington.... Arizona
2. So So Miss (0-7)... 14-55, N Texas......... Marshall
3. Ga St (0-8)............ 10-38 La Monroe...... W Kentucky
4. Miami (O) (0-8).... 16-41, Ohio (O)......... Bowling Green (O)
5. Hawaii (0-7)........... 8-35, Colorado St..... Utah St
6. Purdon't (1-6)........ Idle ............................The Ohio St*
7. Yu Kon (0-7)........ 17-62, Central Fla....... Idle
8. Iowa St (1-6) .........27-58, Oklahoma St.. .Kansas St
9. Kentucky (1-6) ......22-28, Miss St.............Alabama St
10. FIU (1-6).............  7-23, La Tech.............E Carolina
*The one in Ohio

11. Texas at  Hail Mary Paso (1-6); 12. Idaho (1-7); 13.Virginia (2-6);  14. W. Michigan (1-8) and E. Michigan (1-7); 16. Temple (1-7); 17. Memphis (1-6); 18. Idle; 19. Kansas (2-5); 20. Arkansas (3-5).

Rout of the Weak: Ohio St (8-0) vs. Purdon't (1-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Iowa State (1-6) vs. Kansas State (3-4).

Pros

A "Walking Dead" convention for fans of the cable zombie show is set this weekend in Atlanta. "We'd have guessed Jacksonville," wrote columnist Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. "It's the Jaguars' bye week."

The fans needed a bye week so they could concentrate on finding paper bags to wear over their heads at games. Yes, Jag (0-8) booers have brought back a tradition started last century in New Orleans, where the home team was known as the 'Aints.

Jacksonville fans call themselves the "Baguars."

Some post messages on the bags, such as this reference to billionaire owner Shad Kahn: "I Got Kahn-ed."Another pleaded, "Where's My Beer?"_a reference to an offer the team made a few weeks ago to give two free beers for every ticket of $45 or more purchased for a game against the Colts.

The Jags lost, 37-3, but most fans didn't notice.

Forbes magazine, by the way, ranks Kahn the 490th wealthiest person in the world. By coincidence, the Jaguars are ranked the 490th best team in the NFL.

Wreck, Record............... Last Loss.................... Next Loss

1. Jacksonville (0-8).........10-42, San Francisco ....Healing
2. Grampa Bay (0-7)........13-31, Carolina............. Seattle
3. Minnehaha (1-6) ..........31-44, Green Bay......... Dallas
4. The Pits (2-5) ...............18-21, Oakland............. New England
5. (Tie) St. Louis (3-5) .......9-14, Seattle................ Tennessee
5. St. Louis (2-4)................ 1-6, Red Sox............... Series Over
7. Houston (2-5); 8. Philadelphia (3-5); 9. Cleveland (3-5); 10. Dallas (4-4).

Rout of the Weak: Seattle (7-1) over Grampa Bay (0-7).