The Bottom Ten
By Steve Harvey
Staff Intern
2,082 hours ago
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The Colleges

Let's give a big round of applause to Purdon't, which has vaulted to No. 1 in the opening Bottom Ten, the scientific poll that ranks college football's worst football teams.

The Boilermakers, the losingest college team in the nation, fell, 7-42 to Cincinnati, to run their 2013 record to 0-2. (The Bottom Ten's unique system counts 2013 bowl results in its stats, including Purdon't's 14-58 loss to Oklahoma State last Jan. 1 in the Heart of Dallas Bowl.)

Right behind Purdon't is Elon, a Martian colony, which was overrun by Georgia Tech,  ..0-70.

No. 6 Oregon State, if it hasn't decided to abandon football after losing to Eastern Washington, faces similarly win-deprived Hawaii in the season's first Crummy Game of the Weak. The Warriors lost to USC, 13-30, last week despite having the home-island advantage.

Rice, meanwhile,  succumbed to Texas A$M, 31-52, but expressed confidence that the Aggies would eventually forfeit the game for one of their many off-the-field offenses.

No. 8 Washington State (0-1) encounters USC, whose secretive coach, Lane Kiffin, has banned the public and the media from all Trojan practices. Kiffin's attempt to also ban the public from attending Trojan football games has, however, been turned down.



The rankled:
Wreck, Record......................Last Loss..............................Next Loss
1. Purdon't (0-2)..................... 7-42, Cincinnati ..................Indiana St
2. Elon (0-1)........................... 0-70, Georgia Tech............. W. Va. Wesleyan
3. (Tie) Iowa (0-1) ................27-30, N. Ill...........................Missouri St
3. Iowa State (0-1) ................20-28, N. Iowa...................... Iowa (Sep. 14).
5. North Carolina (0-1) .........10-27, S. Carolina ................Middle Tennessee
6. Oregon State (0-1) .............46-49, E. Washington......... Hawaii
7. Rice (0-1) ..........................31-52, Texas A$M................ Kansas
8. Washington State (0-1) ......24-31, Auburned................. USC
9. BYU (0-1) .........................16-19, Virginia ....................Texas
10. Kansas State (0-1)........... 21-24, N. Dakota St .............La. (Lafayette)

Crummy Game of the Weak: Oregon State (0-1) v. Hawaii (0-1).

Don't Know Much About Geography Award: A New York Post headline placed North Carolina in South Carolina. No wonder disoriented UNC lost.

The Pros

It's easy to make fun of the Raiders. So let's get started.

Oakland, in case you haven't heard, kept four quarterbacks and two punters on its 53-man roster. Obviously the Raiders don't expect to make many first downs this year.

Oh, sure, they'll make some adjustments on their roster. By the time you read this they'll probably already have signed a fifth quarterback and a third punter.

They're the worst team in pro football, headed for a 2-14 season. One of the wins could come Dec. 8 when they play the N.J. Jets. The second worst team around, the Jets also have lots of quarterbacks but no one knows how many because they keep signing and discarding them day after day. Where are you, Vinny Interceptaverde?

Another team with an unusual offensive philosophy is No. 8 Cleveland. Less than a week before the season was to begin the Browns found themselves without a placekicker. This happened because (1), like the Raiders, they don't expect to score much, and (2) they declined to re-sign Phil Dawson. Dawson is said to possess a powerful leg but, unfortunately, it's his non-kicking one.

The rankled:
Wreck, 2012 Record.................. Opening Loss
1. Oakland (4-12)......................... Indianapolis
2. N.J. Jets (6-10)......................... Tampa Bay
3. Buffalo (6-10).......................... Olde England
4. Jacksonville (2-14) ...................Kansas City
5. Carolina (7-9) ...........................Seattle
6. San Diego (7-9); 7. Kansas City (2-14); 8. Cleveland (5-11); 9. Baltimore (10-6); 10. Anyone else from the AFC that we've left out.

Crummy Game of the Weak: Jacksonville (2-14) vs. Kansas City (2-14).

Pre-Season Dishonors: S.F.'s Lavelle Hawkins ran back a kickoff for a touchdown but was hit with two different excessive celebration penalties, one for high-stepping into the end zone and one for removing his helmet while on the field. Talk about a double threat!