Bowled Over in the Post-Season

By Steve Harvey

Outdated 15 minutes ago

The Bottom Ten Bowls

UCLA's football team observed a yearly tradition of taking a ditch day Tuesday, with most of the players absenting themselves from practice. You could make the case that 2011 was a ditch year for the Ruins, who compiled a 5-7 season.

Such futility did not preclude UCLA from being chosen for a post-season game_the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl, versus nearly-as-inept Illinois (6-6). The Ruins are the first under-.500 team to be chosen for a bowl since 5-6 North Texas went to the New Orleans Bowl (and lost by 25) in 2001.

And, UCLA could become the first bowl team to lose 8 games in a season if the Ruins fall to Illinois, as they surely will.

Thus it's no surprise that the Kraft Bowl would be ranked No. 1, just ahead of the Gator Bowl, which features the Ohio State Buckeyes (6-6) in their last post-season appearance for a while.

The Buckeyes were suspended from bowls_including the Hollywood Bowl_ for a year after players received cash and free tattoos from a Columbus businessman. The players involved were ordered to return their tattoos to the parlor.

Dud Bowl..........................Teams (with sorry records in parentheses)

1. Kraft Hunger Bowl............... UCLA (6-7) vs. Illinois (6-6).

2. Gator Bowl ............................Florida (6-6) vs. Ohio State (6-6).

3. Independence Bowl.............. North Carolina (7-5) vs. Missouri (7-5).

4. Little Caesars Pizza Bowl......Western Michigan (7-5) vs. Purdon't (6-6).

5. Belk Bowl*..............................North Carolina State (7-5) vs. Louisville (7-5).

6. Holiday Bowl**......................Texas (7-5) vs. Cal (7-5).

7. Pinstripe ................................Rutgers (8-4) vs. Iowa State (6-6).

8. Music City Bowl................... Mississippi State (6-6) vs. Wake Forest (6-6).***

9. Meinke Car Bowl ..................Texas A$M (6-6) vs. Northwestern (6-6).

10. BBVA Compass Bowl..........Pittsburgh (6-6) vs. The SMUs (7-5).

*Since you asked, Belk is a department store chain. This bowl, which, like many, has had various aliases, was formerly the Queen City Bowl and the Continental Tire Bowl (though not at the same time).

**Holiday Bowl is no day at the beach.

***Steve Gross points out a mistake in the No. 8 worst bowl: "Ahem...it's Weak Forest not Wake Forest.

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Quotebook: The Los Angeles Times reported that NFL draft guru Gil Brandt says USC QB Matt Barkley compares ``favorably" to QB Mark Sanchez of the floundering Jets. Is that supposed to be a compliment?

The Pros

They've fouled up everything else this season so maybe it figures that the Indianapolis Dolts may now fail to be the NFL's worst team, in which case they would forfeit the right to draft Stanford QB Andrew Luck.

The previously winless Dolts (1-13) won a game Sunday_over Tennessee, true, but it still counts_and now sit just a game ahead of the St. Louis Lambs (2-12) and Minnehaha Vikings (2-12).

Elsewhere, the No. 9 Bears (7-7) are too late to contend for the Bottom Ten title this year, but they notched an admirable fourth straight loss. They've named Josh McCown to start Sunday against Green Bay (13-1).

McCown's attorneys have appealed to the governor for a commutation of the sentence.

No. 2 St. Louis (2-12) faces Pittsburgh (10-4), an unenviable task especially since the Steelers have ordered a new pair of crutches for QB Ben Roethlisberger to use on the field.

Wreck, Record...........Last Loss....................Next Loss

1. St. Louis (2-12)............ 13-20, Cincinnati............ Pittsburgh

2. Minnehaha (2-12)....... 20-42, New Orleans....... Washington

3. Buffalo (5-9)................ 23-30, Miami (Fla.)........ Denver

4. Indianapolis (1-13)..... Def. Tennessee, 27-13 ......Houston

5. Cleveland (4-10)......... 17-20, Arizona.................. Baltimore

6. Grampa Bay (4-10); 7. Jacksonville (4-10); 8. Carolina (5-9); 9. Chicago (7-7); 10. N.J. Giants (1-5 in last 6 games).

Rout of the Weak: (Regionals) Pittsburgh (10-4) over St. Louis (2-12); Green Bay (13-1) over Chicago (7-7).

Conspiracy against Tebow? Of course, he lost to New England over the weekend. What would you expect with all the jinxes working against him? Not only was Tebow on the cover of Sports Illustrated beforehand but Republican presidential hopeful Rick Perry compared himself to Tebow. Polls indicate Perry is the fourth string candidate in the Iowa caucuses.

Dolts Still Rule Bottom Ten Land

By Steve Harvey

Updated 34 years ago last Tuesday

Colleges

(On holiday break)

Pros

A ''game-time decision" is how the NFL rated the the possibility of Indianapolis daring to show up to play Baltimore last Sunday. And, in truth, the Dolts' offense didn't arrive until the fourth quarter, scoring one touchdown in a 10-24 loss as Indy preserved its winless season and No. 1 position in the Bottom Ten.

It was, interestingly enough, the Ravens' fourth straight victory since defensive captain Ray Lewis was sidelined with a bad toe. There was, however, no indication that the team would put Lewis on injured reserve to insure that its winning streak will continue.

Elsewhere, No. 8 Kansas City (5-8) accumulated four (4) yards on offense in the first half (including minus-19 yards in the second quarter), en route to a 10-37 loss to the New Jersey Jets. The game was noteworthy only for a pioneer ruling after Jets running back Shonn Greene coughed up the ball as he spun around and fell on his rear end. Officials ruled it was not a fumble, broadcaster Ian Eagle explained, because Greene had ``two cheeks down."

There was nothing funny about the game to the Chiefs, who announced the next day that coach Todd Haley had been fired, a move that NBA commissioner David Stern tried unsuccessfully to nullify.

While Indianapolis (0-13) is the obvious favorite in the Bottom Ten race, St. Louis (2-11) and Minnehaha (2-11) have not been mathematically eliminated. The Vikes are unlikely to end their losing ways on Sunday. They host New Orleans (10-3). The temperature and point spread are expected to be in the 30s.

Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss............... Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-13).......... 10-24, Baltimore........ Tennessee

2. Buffalo (5-8)..................... 10-37, San Diego......... Miami

3. St. Louis (2-11)................. 13-30, Seattle.............. Cincinnati

4. Minnehaha (2-11)............. 28-34, Detroit............ New Orleans

5. Grampa Bay (4-9)............. 14-41, Jacksonville.... Dallas

6. Cleveland (4-9); 7. Carolina (4-9); 8. Kansas City (5-8); 9. Jets (0-8 lifetime vs. Philadelphia); 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow (1-7).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Buffalo (5-8) vs. Miami (4-9).

Fantasy Flops: RB Chris Johnson (Tenn.), 23 yards in 11 carries; RB Beanie Wells (Ariz.), 27 yards in 15 carries.

You knew it had to happen: A few minutes after broadcasters at the New England-Washington game noted that Pats QB Tom Brady had thrown 200 passes without an interception, Brady threw an interception in the end zone.

What about Tebow? Headline in NFL Magazine: ``Our man Manning. Without even playing a down, Peyton's proven he's the NFL MVP."

The Wall Street Journal's Jason Gay on Tebow's graceful style: ``He runs like he's stealing a toaster from the mall."

New Mexico Has What It Doesn't Take

By Steve Harvey

Bottom Ten intern

Backdated 15 minutes ago

The Colleges

Akron (1-11) and Indiana (1-11) had good reasons for not scoring over the weekend. They didn't play.

But New Mexico (1-11) had no such excuse, falling to Boise State, 0-45_its third shutout loss_to win the Bottom Ten title. Lost Lobos edged out fellow shutout victim Florida Atlantic (1-11) for the honor.

Followers of Akron, Indiana and Florida Atlantic reacted in disbelief, asking how their teams could be overlooked when they tied for most losses in the nation_11. But until a TV show sponsors a Bottom Ten playoff_how about a re-make of ``The Gong Show"?_arguments about who is No. 1 will rage on, for at least 15 seconds.

Ole Ole Miss, meanwhile, won another title of sorts_for worst bargain of a coach, USA Today reported. The Rebels went 2-10 under coach Houston Nutt, who was paid $2.8 million for the season_or $1.4 million per win, as any Ohio State math whiz could tell you.

Other high finishers were Indiana 's Kevin Wilson (one win, $1.26 million per year), Kansas' Turner Gill (one win, $1.05 million per year), and Maryland's Randy Edsall (two wins, $2 million contract).

Wreck, Record...................... Last Loss..........Bowl Invite?

1. New Mexico (1-11)........... 0-45, Boise State.......... No

2. Florida Atlantic (1-11)..... 0-26, L.A.-Monroe....... You kidding?

3. Akron (1-11)..................... 19-68, W. Michigan....... Uh, uh

4. Indiana (1-11)................... 25-33, Purdon't.............. No chance

5. UNLV (2-10)...................... 9-56, TCU...................... Get serious

6. Two Lane (2-11) ..............23-35, Hawaii................. Not Hardly

7. Maryland (2-10).............. 41-56, N.C. State............. Nope

8. Kansas (2-10).................. 10-24, Missouri................Don't ask

9. Near Miss (2-10).............. 3-31, Ole Miss State...... Nada

10. Idaho (2-10).................... 3-56, Nevada ...................Small potatoes

11. Duke (3-9); 12. Central Michigan (3-9); 13. Oregon State (3-9); 14. Washington State (4-8); 15. Rice (4-8); 16. Louisiana-Monroe (4-8); 17. Tennessee (5-7); 18. Kentucky (5-7); 19. Closed or repairs; 20. UCLA (6-7).

Should New Mexico (1-11) be in the TOP Ten? Reader Jay Berman points out that New Mexico's only win was over UNLV, and UNLV beat Hawaii while Hawaii beat Colorado. Colorado beat Arizona, and Arizona beat Arizona State, which beat USC, which beat Oregon. Therefore, New Mexico could whip Oregon handily.

The Pros

It's obvious that Indianapolis has found its quarterback of the future: Dan Orlovsky, who passed for 353 yards and two touchdowns in a 24-31 loss to New England.

His performance meant that the Dolts can now cut Peyton Manning, forget about signing Brett Favre (he's going to Chicago, anyway), and use their first-round draft choice to get a decent running back instead of that guy at Stanford. Orlovsky should lead the Dolts to victory in the 2012-2013 Super Bowl.

Former Bottom Ten luminary Arizona (5-7) fell out of contention with a 19-13 overtime win over over-rated Dallas. The Cardinals' LaRod Stephens-Howling caught a short pass and ran 52 yards for the winning touchdown, crossing the goal line before broadcasters managed to pronounce his full name.

The Cowboys would have won in regulation except that Dallas coach Jason Garrett inexplicably called time out just as his own kicker Dan Bailey was booting what would have been a 49-yard-field goal. On his second try, Bailey missed. "I was glad they iced the kicker there at the end so I didn't have to do it," said Arizona coach Ken Whisenhunt. What a howl.

Wreck, Record.................... Last Loss.................... Next Loss

1. St. Louis (2-10)..............0-26, San Francisco... Seattle

2. Indianapolis (0-12)..... 24-31, New England..... Baltimore

3. Buffalo (5-7)................. 17-23, Tennessee.......... San Diego

4. Minnehaha (2-10) .......32-35, Denver............... Detroit

5. Grampa Bay (4-8)....... 19-38, Carolina............ Jacksonville

6. Jacksonville (3-9); 7. Carolina (4-8); 8. Cleveland (4-8); 9. Dallas (7-5); 10. Rest of NFL vs. Tebow (1-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Grampa Bay (4-8) at Jacksonville (3-9) (senior discounts available).

Monday Night Crummy Game of the Weak: St. Louis (2-10) at Seattle (5-7).

Rout of the Weak: Cleveland (4-8) at the Pitts (9-3).

Fantasy Flops: RB Michael Bush (Oakland), 10 carries for 18 yards.