Must-Lose Crucials

By Steve Harvey
Hiring and Development Officer
Bottom Ten Inc.

(Please disconnect cell phones before you begin reading this story. And knock off the texting, too.)

The Colleges

When it comes to matchups, they don't come any smaller than this.

Two games feature winless teams_New Mexico State vs. San Diego State and Temple vs. Idaho. The winners can more or less forget about their chances of winning the Bottom Ten title_and the prized Bottom Ten trophy that comes with it, a velveeta cheese statue of Ryan Leaf being sacked in the end zone.

Right behind this Fabulous Four is Ole Mass (0-4), also a threat to go winless.

Another contender is No. 6 FIU, which held Louisville to 72 points. FIU (no one knows what the initials stand for) could make a move in the BT race when it plays No. 6 Ole Southern Miss (0-3) Oct. 5. FIU will be idle Saturday (as its defense was last Saturday).


The rankled:
Wreck, Record................ Last Loss .......................Next Loss
1. New Mexico St (0-4)... 13-59, UCLA.................. San Diego St
2. San Diego St (0-3)....... 30-34 Oregon St.............. New Mexico St
3. Temple (0-3)................ 29-30, Fordham............... Idaho
4. Idaho (0-4)..................... 0-42, Washington St...... Temple
5. Ole Mass (0-4)............... 7-24, Vanderbilt............ Bowling (Green)
6. FIU (0-4) .......................0-72, Louisville.............. Ole So. Miss (Oct. 5)*
7. Ole So. Miss (0-3)......... 3-24, Arkansas............... Boise St
8. Yukon (0-3)................. 21-24, Michigan.............. Buffalo
9. Purdon't (1-3) ..............10-41, Wisconsin............. N Ill
10. Hawaii (0-3)............... 9-31, Northwestern......... Fresno St

*Tickets still available.

11. University of Texas at El Wobbly Paso (1-2); 12. BYU (1-2); 13. TCU (1-2); 14. Colorado State (1-3); 15. Cal (1-2); 16.  Results not available at press time; 17.-19. Tie among Western Michigan (0-4), Central Michigan (1-3), Eastern Michigan (1-3) and any other Michigans you can think of; 20. The NCAA (for allowing scheduling of Ohio State vs. Florida A&M, Louisville vs. FIU;  Miami (O.) vs. Savannah State).

Crummy Game of the Weak (tie): San Diego State (0-3) vs. New Mexico State (0-4); Temple (0-3) vs. Idaho (0-4).

Rout of Week: Boise State (2-2) over Ole So. Miss (0-3).


The Pros

Remember when the Giants' biggest problem was fumbling? Well, for the second straight game, they didn't fumble once.

Of course their offense is so inept they hardly have the ball long enough to fumble anymore. Their 3-38 loss to Carolina enabled them to remain on top of the Bottom Ten, just ahead of two real flowerhouses_ the Pits (0-3) and Bay (Tampa) (0-3).

Isn't there a third Manning brother who can play football?

Elsewhere, Philadelphia (1-2) is sticking with its hurry-up-and-lose offense.

And, now, for some good news: Detroit won  a road game in Washington for the first time since 1935. This magnificent achievement is expected to result in an invitation to the Lions to visit the White House.


The rankled:
Wreck, Record................. Last Loss ...................Next Loss
1. N.J. Giants (0-3)............. 3-38, Carolina............ K.C.
2. Pits (0-3) .......................23-40, Chicago............ Minnehaha
3. Bay (Tampa) (0-3)......... 3-23, New England.... Arizona
4. Bay (Green) (1-2) ........ 30-34, Cincinnati...........Healing
5. San Francisco (1-2)......... 7-27, Indianapolis........St. Louis
6. Washington (0-3); 7. Philadelphia (1-2); 8. Minnehaha (0-3); 9. NFC East (3-9); 10. 2012 NFC Playoff teams' record this year (6-12).

Crummy Game of Weak: Pits (0-3) vs. Minnehaha (0-3).

Rout of the Weak: K.C. (3-0) over N.J. Giants (0-3).

Quotebook: Comic Billy Crystal, reciting the nation's holidays on the David Letterman Show: "Dec. 25 is Christmas, July 4 is Independence Day and Oct. 5 the Jets are eliminated from the playoffs." (He said this before the Jets' win over the Bills.)

Quotebook, Le Deux: ESPN analyist Mark Schlereth, on why Philadelphia's offensive linemen appeared so worn out in second half of loss to K.C.: "You can't spread five fat guys."

 

Everyone messes with Texas

By Steve Harvey
Offensive Coordinator

Bottom Ten Int. (a division of Bottom Ten Int.)

The Colleges

The eyes of Texas stared in amazement.  The Shorthorns (1-2), once one of the most prominent teams in football, fell to Old, Old Miss (23-44) to seize the lead in the Bottom Ten.

Texas replaced Hawaii (0-2), which was idle but looked impressive during a jumping jacks drill.

USC, formerly No. 3, dropped out of the ratings after coach Lane Kiffin unveiled  a trick play against Boston College that hadn’t been seen on the gridiron since the days Knute Rockne played_a “forward pass,” it’s called. (Kiffin declined to say whether he would use the play again).

South Florida jumped to No. 3 with a 10-28 loss to Florida Atlantic, which is the only airline to field a team.

The Bottom Ten’s new statistics unit pointed out that no college team starting the season 0-3 has ever made it into the NFL playoffs.

   

In the long-awaited traditional that marks the end of the two schools’ seasons, No. 11 Iowa State (0-2) was edged by arch-rival Iowa, 27-21.  Both schools will now take the rest of the year off. They deserve a rest.

And, finally, No. 8 Lamar was crushed by Oklahoma State, 3-59. You have to admit that OSU gets its money’s worth from its players.

The rankled:

Wreck, Record….  Last Loss …………………..Next Loss

1. Texas (1-2) …….23-44 Miss…………………. Kansas St.

2. Hawaii (0-2) …….Idle…………………………. Nevada

3. So. Fla. (0-3)....... 10-28, Fla. Atlantic (Fla.).... Miami (Fla.)

4. Temple (0-3) …….29-30, Fordham…………... Idaho

5. Yukon (0-2).......... 21-32, Maryland………….. Michigan

6. Memphis (0-2)......15-17, Middle Tenn St……. Arkansas St.

7. Wake (1-2).......... 19-21, La. Monroe …………Army

8. Lamar (1-2)........... 3-59, Oklahoma St………. Bacone (Okla.)

9. Cal (1-2) ………...34-52, Ohio St ……………..Oregon

10. Idaho (0-3)......... 35-45, N Ill…………………. Washington St

11. Iowa St (0-2); 12. So. Ole Miss (0-3); 13. New Mexico St. (0-3); 14. Vanderbilt (1-2); 15. TCU (1-2); 16. Syracuse (1-2); 17. Error 404 Not Found; 18. UA Birmingham (0-2); 19. Florida Int Univ (0-3); 20. Nebraska (2-1).

Rout of the Week: Kansas St. (2-1) over Texas (1-2).

The SEC’s new logo:

The Pros

In an era when football teams are unveiling new offenses, the New Jersey Giants are gaining special attention with their own innovation. They don’t run the football, they walk the football. The Giants are averaging 2.2 yards a carry and 36.5 rushing yards a game, which helps explain their 0-2 start.

At least they didn’t fumble last week.

Then there are the Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2), who have ignored the pleas of fans to sign Tim Tebow. Of course, how could the Jags be sure they'd maintain their scoring average_5.5 points per game_with Tebow at quarterback?

The Giants and Jags are two of the NFL’s eight winless teams, each of whom has an eye on Detroit’s 2008 feat of posting the only 0-16 record in NFL history.

The sentimental members of that 2008 team still gather together each season to break out a bottle of Thunderbird wine when the last winless team registers a victory_and the Lions' record is safe.

The rankled:

Wreck, Record……….Last Loss…………… Next Loss

1. N.J. Giants (0-2).....23-41, Denver………...Carolina

2. Jacksonville (0-2).... 9-19, Raiders………. Seattle

3. Grampa Bay (0-2).. 14-16, New Orleans... Olde England

4. Washington (0-2).... 20-38, Green Bay…... Detroit

5. The Pits (0-2)......... 10-20, Cincinnati ……..Chicago

6. Cleveland (0-2); 7. Carolina (0-2); 8. AFC North (2-6); 9. Minnehaha (0-2); 10. Baltimore (1-1).

Crummy Game of the Week: N.J. Giants (0-2) at Carolina (0-2).

Rout of the Week:  Seattle (2-0) over Jacksonville (0-2).

Fantasy Flops: S.F. QB Colin Kaepernick, 13 of 28 passes for 127 yards with 3 interceptions (a 17.7 rating for the day!).

The Trojans Make Their Move!


By Steve Harvey
Bottom Ten Travel Editor

Colleges

A TV promo during the Trojans' game with Washington State uttered this slogan: "The University of Southern California_Anything is possible."

Even losing to Washington State, evidently. At home.

USC, with no pass completions longer than 19 yards in its first two games, moved up to No. 3 in the Bottom Ten rankings. During a post-game interview, Lane Kiffin, the increasingly secretive USC coach, declined to confirm that he was Lane Kiffin.

Hawaii (0-2), which somehow found a way to lose to USC in its opener, took over the BT lead by default, if not defense.

As for last week's leader, Purdon't did. The school was ejected from the Bottom Ten for winning a game.

Wreck, Record............... Last Loss........................ Next Loss
1. Hawaii (0-2)................ 14-33, Oregon St.............. Idle
2. Syracuse (0-2).............. 27-48, Northwestern......... Wagner
3. USC (1-1)...................... 7-10, Washington St....... B.C.*
4. San Diego St (0-2)......... 7-42, Ohio State...............Oregon St
5. Iowa St (0-1) .................Idle................................... Iowa
6. Pitt (0-1)........................ Idle................................... New Mexico
7. Cal (1-1) ........................Def. Portland St, 30-27.... Ohio St
8. New Mexico St (0-2).... 21-44, Minnehaha ............UTEP
9. Idaho (0-2) ....................10-42, Wyoming ..............N Ill
10. Miami (O) (0-2) ............7-41, Kentucky (Ky)...... Cincinnati (O)

11. UN (Las Wages) (0-2); 12. South Florida (0-2); 13. Temple (0-2); 14. Vanishing Buffalo (0-2); 15. Akron (1-1); 16. Florida (1-1); 17. None receiving votes; 18. Notre Dame (1-1); 19. Texas (1-1); 20. Oklahoma State (dozens of forfeitures pending).

*Not the comic strip.

Rout of the Week: Ohio State (2-0) over Cal (1-1).

Crummy Game of the Week: Iowa State (0-1) vs. Iowa (1-1).

Quotebook: It's a bad sign when radio broadcasters on ESPN (AM-710), the "official radio home of the Trojans," start questioning Lane Kiffin's coaching during the pregame show.  Before the Washington State debacle, analyst Harvey Hyde said Kiffin's idea of alternating his two young quarterbacks had left both "burned out."

How to Fire Up a Team (the Opposing Team):  Explaining before this year's game why Notre Dame canceled its series with Michigan, ND coach Brian Kelly said he hadn't "seen it as one of the historical, traditional Notre Dame rivalries." Obscure little Michigan won, 41-30.

Pros 

Since Super Bowl champions rarely repeat, Baltimore obviously decided to throw in the towel this season, letting several veterans go, including safety Ed Reed. Fortunately the Ravins have the necessary manpower for the Bottom Ten, which they currently lead.

Right behind are the San Diego Chargers, who showed they can blow a 28-7 lead even when Norv Turner is not the coach.

The NJ. Giants came in at No. 3 on the advice of coach Tom Coughlin, who branded their early  fumble/interception festival "the worst half of football" he had ever seen.

Of course, Coughlin didn't see the first halves of Jacksonville (which trailed K.C., 21-2) or the Pitts (who trailed Tennessee, 7-2). (Deuces were wild, as Vin Scully might say.) In the Pitts' defense, all signs point to a Super Bowl matchup this season between undefeateds Tennessee and St. Louis.

The rankled:

Wreck, Record ..........Last Loss................ Next Loss

1. Baltimore (0-1)..... 27-49, Denver......... Cleveland
2. San Diego (0-1).... 28-31, Houston....... Philadelphia
3. N.J. Giants (0-1)... 31-36, Dallas ...........Denver
4. Jacksonville (0-1)... 2-28, K.C. ..............Oakland
5. The Pitts (0-1)........ 9-16, Tennessee..... Cincinnati
6. Atlanta (0-1);   7. Green Bay (0-1);  8. Cleveland (0-1); 9. AFC North (0-4); 10. The current replacements for the Replacement Refs.

Crummy Monday Night Game of Week: The Pitts (0-1) at Bungles (0-1).

The Bottom Ten
By Steve Harvey
Staff Intern
2,082 hours ago
Nobody and 0 others like this.

The Colleges

Let's give a big round of applause to Purdon't, which has vaulted to No. 1 in the opening Bottom Ten, the scientific poll that ranks college football's worst football teams.

The Boilermakers, the losingest college team in the nation, fell, 7-42 to Cincinnati, to run their 2013 record to 0-2. (The Bottom Ten's unique system counts 2013 bowl results in its stats, including Purdon't's 14-58 loss to Oklahoma State last Jan. 1 in the Heart of Dallas Bowl.)

Right behind Purdon't is Elon, a Martian colony, which was overrun by Georgia Tech,  ..0-70.

No. 6 Oregon State, if it hasn't decided to abandon football after losing to Eastern Washington, faces similarly win-deprived Hawaii in the season's first Crummy Game of the Weak. The Warriors lost to USC, 13-30, last week despite having the home-island advantage.

Rice, meanwhile,  succumbed to Texas A$M, 31-52, but expressed confidence that the Aggies would eventually forfeit the game for one of their many off-the-field offenses.

No. 8 Washington State (0-1) encounters USC, whose secretive coach, Lane Kiffin, has banned the public and the media from all Trojan practices. Kiffin's attempt to also ban the public from attending Trojan football games has, however, been turned down.



The rankled:
Wreck, Record......................Last Loss..............................Next Loss
1. Purdon't (0-2)..................... 7-42, Cincinnati ..................Indiana St
2. Elon (0-1)........................... 0-70, Georgia Tech............. W. Va. Wesleyan
3. (Tie) Iowa (0-1) ................27-30, N. Ill...........................Missouri St
3. Iowa State (0-1) ................20-28, N. Iowa...................... Iowa (Sep. 14).
5. North Carolina (0-1) .........10-27, S. Carolina ................Middle Tennessee
6. Oregon State (0-1) .............46-49, E. Washington......... Hawaii
7. Rice (0-1) ..........................31-52, Texas A$M................ Kansas
8. Washington State (0-1) ......24-31, Auburned................. USC
9. BYU (0-1) .........................16-19, Virginia ....................Texas
10. Kansas State (0-1)........... 21-24, N. Dakota St .............La. (Lafayette)

Crummy Game of the Weak: Oregon State (0-1) v. Hawaii (0-1).

Don't Know Much About Geography Award: A New York Post headline placed North Carolina in South Carolina. No wonder disoriented UNC lost.

The Pros

It's easy to make fun of the Raiders. So let's get started.

Oakland, in case you haven't heard, kept four quarterbacks and two punters on its 53-man roster. Obviously the Raiders don't expect to make many first downs this year.

Oh, sure, they'll make some adjustments on their roster. By the time you read this they'll probably already have signed a fifth quarterback and a third punter.

They're the worst team in pro football, headed for a 2-14 season. One of the wins could come Dec. 8 when they play the N.J. Jets. The second worst team around, the Jets also have lots of quarterbacks but no one knows how many because they keep signing and discarding them day after day. Where are you, Vinny Interceptaverde?

Another team with an unusual offensive philosophy is No. 8 Cleveland. Less than a week before the season was to begin the Browns found themselves without a placekicker. This happened because (1), like the Raiders, they don't expect to score much, and (2) they declined to re-sign Phil Dawson. Dawson is said to possess a powerful leg but, unfortunately, it's his non-kicking one.

The rankled:
Wreck, 2012 Record.................. Opening Loss
1. Oakland (4-12)......................... Indianapolis
2. N.J. Jets (6-10)......................... Tampa Bay
3. Buffalo (6-10).......................... Olde England
4. Jacksonville (2-14) ...................Kansas City
5. Carolina (7-9) ...........................Seattle
6. San Diego (7-9); 7. Kansas City (2-14); 8. Cleveland (5-11); 9. Baltimore (10-6); 10. Anyone else from the AFC that we've left out.

Crummy Game of the Weak: Jacksonville (2-14) vs. Kansas City (2-14).

Pre-Season Dishonors: S.F.'s Lavelle Hawkins ran back a kickoff for a touchdown but was hit with two different excessive celebration penalties, one for high-stepping into the end zone and one for removing his helmet while on the field. Talk about a double threat!