Bottom Ten: It doesn't get any worse than this!

By Steve Harvey
Bottom Ten Content Editor

The Colleges

Colorado has had a rough time adapting to its new conference, the Pac-11 1/2.

First, there were the hard feelings over the NCAA's ruling that the vanishing Buffaloes constitute only half a team.

Then there were the game results, the latest of which was the 6-50 loss to USC.

And the insults, such as Trojans coach Lane Kiffin having a reserve quarterback take the field wearing the uniform of a kicker on one 2-point conversion attempt. An ensuing run failed, meaning the Trojans won by just 44 points, not 46. (USC officials denied that Kiffin originally planned to dress up his team in Caltech uniforms for the game to make Colorado overconfident.)

If the season were to end today, the Buffaloes would face Auburning (1-6) in the Bowl Chump Series (BCS), assuming that a sponsor can be found..

Sites bidding for the honor reportedly include Flushing Meadows, N.Y.; the Bonneville Salt Flats; and the famed Irwindale Gravel Pit (a former bidder for the Raiders). In the event that none of the three work out, a Bottom Ten spokesman said the game could be played at any high school in the nation that wasn't using its field that day.

Wreck, Record.................. Last Loss Next Loss
1. Colorado (1-6).................6-50, USC................. Oregon (!)
2. Auburning (1-6)........... 13-17, Vanderbilt ........Texas A$M
3. L.A. Lakers (0-7)...........91-97, LA Clips..........Sacto Kings
4.  Kentucky (1-7)............ 24-29, Georgia............ Missouri
5. Mass (0-7)..................... .0-24, Bowling Green. Vanderbilt
6. UNLV (1-7).................. 7-24, Boise State........ San Diego State
7. Kansas (1-6) ..................7-52, Oklahoma.......... Texas
8. BC (1-6)...................... 17-37, Georgia Tek....... Wake
9. Ill (2-5)......................... Recovering.................... Indiana
10. Idaho (1-7) .................28-70, Louisiana Tech... Idle

11. South Florida (2-5); 12. Washington State (2-6); 13. Wyoming (1-6); 14. Tulane (1-6); 15. South Florida (2-5); 16. Akron (1-7); 17. New Mexico State (1-6); 18. Studying abroad this semester; 19. Central Michigan (2-5); 20. Electoral College (0-0).

Rout of the Century (well, it is only 2012): Oregon (7-0) vs. Colorado (1-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Ill (2-5) vs. Indiana (2-5).

The Pros

The Kansas City Chefs are the only team in the NFL that have not led an opponent for a single moment of regulation play. (The Chefs' only win came in overtime when they edged New Orleans in overtime, 27-24.)

Kansas City's streak could come to an end this week because it's playing Oakland (2-4). Then again, the Chefs are starting QB Brady Quinn.

The Chefs have benched Matt Cassel in what has been a subpar year for ex-USC signal-callers. The teams quarerbacked by Cassel, Mark Sanchez (Jets) and Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart have a combined 6-13 record.

Elsewhere, the NFL, so shocked that San Diego has only lost three games, has accused the team of using an illegal substance. Coach Norv Turner, speaking on behalf of every Charger employee, said: "Nobody in this organization has used Stickum."

Oh, yeah? Well then how else could Turner have stuck with San Diego this long?

Wreck, Record........................ Last Loss.............. Next Loss
1. Kansas City (1-5).................. Idle........................ Oakland
2. (Tie) St. Louis Cards (3-4)... 0-9, S.F. Giants...... Done, Toast
2. Arizona Cards (4-3).............. 14-21, Minnesota... S.F. 49ers
4 Jacksonville (1-5).................. 23-26 (OT)............. Oakland
5. Carolina (1-5)....................... 14-19, Dallas.......... Chicago
6. Oakland (2-4); 7. Cleveland (1-6); 8. N.J. Jets (3-4); Grampa Bay (2-4); 10. San Diego (3-3).
Crummy Game of the Week: Oakland (2-4) vs. Kansas City (1-5).

Quotebook: "Ndamukong Suh is this close to pulling people's heads off," said talk show host Colin Cowherd after Suh body-slammed Bears QB Jay Cutler to the ground.

Transactions: ACTRESS EVA LONGORIA---Put N.J. Jets QB Mark Sanchez on waivers as her boyfriend, the New York Post reported. (Does she have her eye on Tebow?)

The Bottom Ten: This is Spores Center!

By Steve Harvey

Bottom Ten Anchorman  

(Please silence cell phones before you begin reading.)

The Colleges

Sure, USC is out of contention for the BCS title. But another  Pac-12 team---Colorado---has a good shot at the Bottom Ten championship.

The Vanishing Buffaloes (1-5) just vaulted to the top with a 17-51 loss to Arizona State.  As befits their name, the Sun Devils dominated Colorado in the all-important category of demonic possession.

Colorado, after some near-wins early in the season against  Colorado State and Sacramento State, now seems poised to roll under Pac-12 teams in their final six games.

In other Pac-12 news, after Washington State coach Mike Leach accused some of his seniors of being "zombie-like" with "an empty-corpse quality," the team went out and lost to Cal, 17-31. The Cougars did exhibit a do-or-die attitude, though.

This weekend, No. 13 Tulane (1-5) travels to No. 8 UTEP (1-6) for a game in which the noise factor---that is, the lack-of-noise factor---is expected to be critical, judging from the lack of interest of fans. Tulane staff members have been instructed to whisper during practice and traffic has been blocked off around the stadium so the team can accustom itself to playing in the deafening silence.

Elsewhere, No. 6 Electoral College (0-0) had a bye, as it awaits its big match in November.

Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss............... Next Loss*

1. Kentucky (1-6).............. 7-49, Arkansas..... Georgia

2. Colorado (1-5) ............17-51, Arizona St....USC
3. Auburning (1-5).......... 20-41, Ole Miss...... Vanderbilt

4. Mass (0-6)................... Bye .........................Bowling (Green)

5. E. Michigan (0-6)........ 47-52, Toledo ........Army

6. Electoral College (0-0).. Idle...................... Idle
7. Ill (2-5) ...........................0-45, Michigan.... Idle

 8. UTEP (1-6)................. 11-33, Tulsa.......... Tulane
9. UNLV (1-6)................. 37-42, Nevada....... Boise St

10. Washingon State (2-5) 17-31, Cal............. Stanford

11. Akron (2-6); 12. SMU (2-4); 13. Tulane (1-5); 4. Wyoming (1-5); 15. So. Fla. (2-4); 16. Syracuse (2-4); 17. Pitt (2-4); 18. Vacationing; 19. Georgia Tek (2-4); 20. Texas (1-2 in conference).

*Statistics, in some cases, are estimates.

Rout of the Weak: UNLV (1-6) vs. Boise State (5-1) (game is rated PG; children can attend only with parents' written permission).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Tulane (1-5) at UTEP (1-6).

The Pros

True, the Raiders came close to defeating heavily-favored Atlanta over the weekend but, alas, the Bottom Ten's primitive computers do not take margin of defeat or quality of opponent into account. For that, and other bad reasons, the Raiders took over the Bottom Ten.

Next up they play No. 2 Jacksonville, which has shunned a no-huddle offense in favor of a no-offense-at-all approach.

The past week marked another milestone for the No. 5 Chargers, who set an NFL record in their 24-35 loss to Denver. The New York Times reported that the Chargers, quarterbacked by Old Man Rivers, became the first team to lead by 24 or more points at halftime, then lose by double digits.

Elsewhere, coach Andy Reid of No. 9 Philadelphia, saddled with the most turnover-prone quarterback in the NFL (Michael Vick), took the logical step and fired his defensive coordinator.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss................Next Loss
1. Oakland (1-4) ..........20-23 Atlanta........... Jacksonville
2. Jacksonville (1-4)..... Idle.......................... Oakland
3. Kansas City (1-5).... 10-38, Grampa Bay.. Idle
4. Dallas (2-3) .............29-31, Baltimore .......Carolina
5. San Diego (3-3) .......24-35, P Manning.....Bye*
6. Cleveland (1-5); 7. Carolina (1-4); 8. New Orleans (1-4); 9. Philadelphia (3-3); 10. Old England (3-3).

*San Diego's bye began at halftime of Denver game when Chargers led, 24-0.

Crummy Game of the Year: Jacksonville (1-4) vs. Oakland (1-4).

Fantasy flops: SD QB Rivers (25 of 41 pass attempts, 242 yards with 4 ints); Miami RB R. Bush (12 carries for 17 yards); Houston RB A. Foster (17 carries for 29 yards).

Those Dominant Passing Machines: The five top passers, yardage-wise, last weekend were Brady (NE) (395 yards), Dalton (Cincy) (381), Roeth. (Pitts) (363), Palmer (Raiders) (353), and Ponder (Minnie) (352). All lost.

His NFL knowledge is debatable: Paul Ryan, the Republican veep candidate, visited Browns practice and heaped praise on QB Brandon Weeden. The only problem, reported USA Today, was that, as he spoke, he was "pointing and staring directly at backup Colt McCoy," who lost his job to Weeden.

Trick-or-Treat Ball

By Steve Harvey

Bottom Ten Travel Writer  

(Warning: This is a nonsmoking column.)

Colleges

Well, football folks are certainly getting into the Halloween spirit.

First, coach Mike Leach of No. 8 Washington State (2-4) observed that some of his seniors are "zombie-like," just going "through the motions...some of them quite honestly have an empty-corpse quality."

And, in fact, the NCAA is said to be investigating whether one of Leach's offensive lineman is a zombie who has played for the team since the mid-1920s, an 88th year senior. This might explain why he's always swaddled in tape.

Second, the wife of coach Gene Chizik of Bottom Ten leader Auburned (1-4) declared on her Facebook page that "we have fans all over the U.S, and I think it is time that they RISE UP and snatch back what satan, himself, has stolen."

And you thought the replacement refs in the pros were controversial.

Of course, a look at the standings does reveal that the Duke Blue DEVILS are 5-1, and when did you ever hear of a Blue DEVIL team that was 5-1? Out West, meanwhile, the Arizona Sun DEVILS are 5-1. Call it a coincidence, if you dare.

Wreck, Record............... Last Loss ..................Next Loss
1. Auburned (1-4)............. 7-24, Arkansas...... ...Ole Miss
2. Mass (0-6)*................... 14-52, W. Michigan..Bye
3. So. Miss (0-5).............. 14-40, Boise St.......... Cnt. Fla.
4. E. Michigan (0-5)........ 14-41, Kent St........... Toledo
5. Kentucky (1-5)............ 14-27, Miss St............ Arkansas
6. Kansas (1-4)................ 16-56, Kansas St..... ...Oklahoma St
7. Rice (1-5).................... 10-14, Memphis......... Texas San Ant
8. Washington St (2-4)...... 6-19, Oregon St........ Cal
9. B.C.** (1-4)..................31-34, Army...............Fla. St.
10. Ill (2-4)...................... 14-31, Wisconsin........ Michigan

11. Texas (seven straight losses to ranked teams); 12. Hawaii (1-4); 13. Colorado (1-5); 14. UNLV (1-5); 15. Fla. Atlantic (1-4) or Fla. Int. (1-5) (you must choose one); 16. New Mexico State (1-5); 17. Virginia (2-4; 18. Anonymous; 19. Wyoming*** (1-4); 20. Texas of El (you fill in the joke) Paso (1-5).

Others (in partial alphabetical order): None.

*Leads nation in defeats.
**Based on the comic strip.
***Errant boldface; please ignore

Rout of the Weak: Michigan (3-2) over Ill (2-4).


Special Citation: Texas State held New Mexico to just 9 yards passing. Unfortunately for
Texas State, New Mexico did gain 361 yards on the ground, en route to a 35-14 win.

Pros

Jacksonville has the most luxurious practice-field locker room in the NFL, a new, $3 million-plus facility that the New York Times said ``looks like a cross between a high-end nightclub (a 41,600-watt sound system) and a 5-star hotel (stacked stone wall tile)."

It is so impressive that it has been chosen to appear in the Pro Bowl. (The complete locker room will be flown to Honolulu in January for the 2013 game.)

Alas, it can't do anything to help the home team, which has taken a 1-4 record to the top of the Bottom Ten. The Jags, averaging 13 points per game, have the best sofa chairs but the worst offense in the NFL.

The Jags can't become too comfortable as No. 1 though. They have a bye Sunday, meaning it could be a chance for Cleveland (0-4) to supplant them.  The red-faced Browns have not won a game since Nov. 20_in 2012.  Some day only the zombies will remember the last Cleveland win.

Wreck, Record........ Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. Jacksonville (1-4)... 3-41, Chicago......... Bye
2. Cleveland (0-5)..... 27-41, N.J. Giants.... Cincinnati
3. Carolina (1-4)....... 12-16, Seattle............ Bye
4. Kansas City (1-4)... 6-9, Baltimore......... Grampa Bay
5. Oakland (1-3)........ Bye.......................... Atlanta
6. Tennessee (2-4);  7. Dallas (2-2); 8. Grampa Bay (1-3); 9. Old Orleans (1-4). 10. Miami (Fla.) (2-3).

Crummy Game of the Week: Kansas City (1-4) at Grampa Bay (1-3).

Bottom Ten: Catch All the Latest Snores Here!

By Steve Harvey

Bottom Ten Theater Critic

                                         
The Colleges

Arkansas remained atop the Bottom Ten, chalking up its fourth defeat in 22 days. The Razorbacks seem to be working overtime to get into the rankings but, of course, they're feeling pressure to lose.

Another once prominent team, Georgia, Tech moved up to No. 5 after a 28-45 loss to Middle Tennessee State. Yes, Middle Tennessee. How badly would the Ramblin' Wreck have done if it had been forced to play the whole state of Tennessee?

Ole Mass, obviously fearful of endangering its spot in the BT_and its winless status_gave up 17 straight points late in the fourth quarter to ensure a 34-37 loss to Ohio (Ohio).

Elsewhere, Kentucky (1-4) coach Joe (Joker) Philips ought to consider adopting a new nickname.




Wreck, Record..........Last Loss...........................Next Loss
1. Arkansas (1-4)....... 10-58, Texas A$M.............Auburn
2. Ole Mass (0-5).........34-37, Ohio (O)............... Western Michigan
3. E. Michigan (0-4)... Idle ....................................Kent State
4. Idaho (0-5).............. 0-66, N. Carolina ..............New Mexico State
5. Ga. Tech (2-3)........ 28-45, Mid. Tennessee .....Clemson
6. Memphis (0-4)........ Idle.................................... Rice
7. UAB (0-4) ..............42-49, Tulsa...................... SE La.
8. Kentucky (1-4)....... 17-38, S. Carolina .............Miss State
9. UNLV (1-4)............13-35, Utah State............... Louisiana Tech*
10. Kansas (1-3).......... Idle................................... Kansas State

11. (Tie) Colorado State (1-4) and Colorado (1-4), or vice versa; 13. Rice (1-4); 14. Cal (1-4); 15. FIU (1-4); 16. Florida Atlanta (1-4); 17. Buffalo (1-3); 18. Declined to state; 19. Akron (1-4); 20. Conference USA (the home of four winless teams and four other teams with one win each).

*UNLV's a bad bet

Special Citation: Baylor and West Virginia defenses gave up 1,507 yards and 67 first downs between them in WVU's 70-63 win.

Quotebook: Orlando Sentinel columnist Mike Bianchi reported that Murray State coach Chris Hatcher, asked if he thought Florida State would finish No. 1 in the Top 25, replied: I'm no procrastinator."

Rout of the Weak: Clemson (4-1) over Georgia Tech (2-3) (you can count on our procrastinating).

The Pros

New Orleans QB Drew Brees tied a record for most consecutive games with a touchdown pass.  Now he and the Aints (0-4) are out to tie another remarkable record:  most consecutive losses in one year (16, held by Detroit). The Associated Press snapped a photo of one disgruntled New Orleans fan's headgear that bore the words: "Aints Throwback Jersey." It was a paper bag.

The Lions won't equal their record this year (they've somehow already won a game). But No. 10 Detroit did become  the first franchise in 72 years to allow a punt and a kickoff to be run back for touchdowns_in two straight games. Talk about unspecial teams!

Meanwhile, the Jets' offense is running on empty though the Wildcat offense was on display in their game against the 49ers. "The problem for the Jets?" wrote the L.A. Times Sam Farmer. "The Wildcat belonged to San Francisco."

 The Niners' backup QB Colin Kaepernick carried 5 times for 50 yards to spark a 34-0 S.F. win. Gee, wonder if the Jets ever thought of a similar role for their backup QB---what's his name again?

Wreck, Record................... Last Loss...................... Next Loss

1. New Orleans (0-4)........... 27-28, Green Bay.......... San Diego
2. N.J. Jets (2-2)..................... 0-34, San Francisco..... Houston
3. Cleveland (0-4)................ 16-23, Baltimore............ N.J. Giants
4. U.S. Ryder Cup (0-1)...... 13 1/2-14 1/2 ..................Done, Toast
5. Oakland (1-3).................. ..6-37 Denver ..................Bye
6. Jacksonville (1-3); 7. Miami (Fla.) (1-3); 8. Grampa Bay (1-3); 9. Carolina (1-3); 10. Detroit (1-3).

Rout of the Weak: Houston (4-0) over N.J. Jets (2-2).

Fantasy League Flops: Jets QB M. Sanchez (13-29, 103 yards, 1 interception, no TDs); Jets RB S. Greene (11 carries, 34 yards, no TDs); Oakland RB D. McFadden (13 carries, 34 yards, no TDs); Tennessee RB C. Johnson (25 carries, 141 yards, whoops, pardon the error---for the first time in a month, Johnson is NOT a Fantasy Flop).

Gruden Gibberish: "Romo gets more done on his own than any quarterback in pro football," ESPN's John Gruden gushed before the Cowboys-Bears game. And Tony Romo did do a lot on his own, throwing two interceptions that were returned for touchdowns in the 18-34 Dallas loss.

Gruden Gibberish, II: Speaking of the Cowboys, Gruden referred to the "work ethic this franchise is known for." Huh? The franchise is better known for seldom playing up to its potential, having won one playoff game over the last 14 years.

The initial error was made by an official who was 20 yards away:  "Cardinals quarterback Kevin Kolb's wife gave birth to their third child last week, an 8-pound, 11-ounce boy," wrote Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. "To no one's surprise, replacement officials initially ruled it a girl."

And, finally: One last tribute to two of the more memorable calls by the replacement refs,  illustrated by Bob Eckstein of the New York Times.

Holding the league hostage Loss of memory