Mustangs (like Bottom Ten) Plodding

By Steve Harvey
First-Time Caller, Long-Time Listener

                                         UCLA owns L.A., including the former USC Trojans
                                                                             (Photo by Jill Stewart Sanford)

Colleges

The SMU Mustangs play in a horseshoe-shaped stadium, which may explain why the team has been so lame in recent years.

This season the 0-10 Mustangs are two losses from a Bottom Ten title and the cherished prize that comes with it: a cheddar-cheese sculpture of Ryan Leaf being sacked.

SMU, the only winless major college in the U.S., seems down to the challenge.

But the big test may come when SMU plays U Conn't (2-8) on Dec. 6.

First, of course,  the Mustangs must lose to Houston Friday. One SMU site said there are 1,723 tickets available "from $6."

However, we understand that the school is actually willing to pay spectators as much as $10 to attend.

Playoff Rankings (if there was a Bottom Ten playoff)

Team, Record......... Last Loss ......................Next Loss
1. SMU (0-10)........... 7-53, UCF ......................Houston
2. Georgia St (1-10)... 0-28, Clemson............... Texas St
3. UNLV (2-10)....... 35-37, Hawaii ..................Nevada
4. Kent State (1-9).... 20-30, Bowling (Green)...Buffalo
5. Idaho (1-9) ...........17-34, Troy..................... App St
6. Colorado (2-9)..... 10-44, Arizona .................Utah
7. E Michigan (2-9).. 30-45, Ball St.................. Toledo
8. U Conn't (2-8) ........0-41, Cincinnati............  Memphis
9. Iowa State (2-8).... 31-34, Texas Tech...........W. Va.
10. Purdon't (3-8)..... 14-38, Northwestern.........Indiana

Crummy Game of the Week: Kent State (1-9) vs. vanishing Buffalo (4-6).

Now it can be told: Several days before UCLA routed SC, 38-20, reader Jill Stewart Sanford noticed that an ESPN graphic predicted that the Bruins would not only win but would take prisoners (see photo above).

The Pros

                                          T.Y. Hilton cradles football to honor new daughter

True, the Jets were routed, 3-38, by Buffalo to seize the Bottom Ten lead. But the good news for any Jets fans who attended was that tickets were free for the game, which was played in Detroit because of snow problems in Buffalo.

That worked so well that NFL officials are said to be looking into the possibility of making all tickets to Jets games free.

Funny thing is, the Jets would be vastly improved if they could find a decent QB_someone like, oh, say, Mark Sanchez, who has had three straight 300-yard games.

But enough about wins and losses. Let's talk about the really important things_the post-touchdown celebrations.

First, there was Indy receiver T.Y. Hilton tenderly holding a football in the end zone in honor of his daughter's birth earlier that day.

Then there was Buffalo receiver Scott Chandler mimicking a shoveling motion in the end zone to thank those Bills fans who traveled all the way to Detroit.

Either that, or Chandler was demonstrating how the Bills were burying the Jets.

Wreck, Record.......... Last Loss..................... Next Loss
1.N.J. Jets (2-9)........... 3-38, Buffalo................ Miami (Fla.)
2. Washington (3-8).. 13-17, S.F........................Indy
3. Jax (1-10)............... 3-23, Indy.......................Giants
4. Raiders (1-10)........ Def. K.C., 24-20 (!)........St. Louis
5. Old Orleans (4-7)... 27-34, Baltimore.............Pitts
6. Grampa Bay (2-9); 7. N.J. Giants (3-8); 8. Tennessee (2-9); 9. Carolina (3-7-1); 10. Philadelphia 76ers (0-14).

Rout of the Week: Indy (7-4) over Washington (3-8).

Crummy Game of the Week: Jax (1-10) vs. N.J. Giants (3-8).

Mr. MVP: Going into 2014, Atlanta running back Steven Jackson has played on 10 straight non-winning teams. This year Atlanta is 4-7. No. 11, coming up!

SMU One Stumble Closer to Title

By Steve Harvey
Rank Person

Colleges

SMU nearly blew the lead in the Bottom Ten but managed to pull out a dramatic 13-14 loss to South Florida to stay No. 1.

Poor No. 2 Georgia State (1-9). A season-opening 38-37 win over Abilene Christian is all that has kept the school from having a chance for a winless record. The BT race isn't over yet, though. The Bottom Ten Playoffs Selection Committee is still said to be "low" on the Panthers (the greatest praise a Bottom Ten team can receive).

There were dramatic happs elsewhere with Weber State (2-9) taking over No. 10 after the NCAA had slapped the school with penalties following revelations that a math instructor had completed quizzes and tests for five players.

The shenanigans evidently didn't make much of a difference. Weber is 2-9 this year after going 2-10 in 2013 and 2-9 in 2012.

The scandal came about, incidentally, after another instructor became suspicious upon discovering that one student had competed six quizzes and a final exam in less than an hour.

Statistics are incomplete in this area but it is believed that the student bettered the old NCAA record of six quizzes and a final exam in 63 minutes, 30 seconds, set several years ago by a Florida State wide receiver.

Colleges

Football Powerless Index

Team, Record................ Last Loss.....................Next Loss
1. SMU (0-9)................ 13-14, So Fla..................Cent Fla
2. Georgia St (1-9)........ Idle ................................Clemson
3. Kent State (1-9)........ 20-30, Bowling (Green) Snow
4. Idaho (1-9)............... 17-34, Troy.................... App St
5. Colorado (2-8) .........20-38, Ariz .....................Oregon
6. E Mich (2-8) .............7-51, W Michigan......... Ball State
7. Iowa State (3-7)........ Idle................................ Texas Tech
8. Vanderbilt (3-7)....... 10-34, Florida................. Miss St
9. UNLV (2-9)..............23-42, BYU................... Hawaii
10.Weber State (2-9).... Def. N Colo, 34-21..........Idaho St

Routs of the Week (regionals): Colorado (2-8) at Oregon (9-1) (West); Vanderbilt (3-7) at Miss State (9-1) (South); Snow vs. Buffalo (East).

Dishonorable mention: The Southeastern Conference fined Arkansas $25,000 after fans stormed the field following a win over then-No. 20 LSU. The conference reminded Arkansas that only players, coaches, officials and irrelevant sideline reporters are allowed on the field.

The Pros

"Just Win Maybe?" pleaded the placard of one rooter. And, incredible as it might seem, the Raiders (1-10) did win, ending a 16-game losing streak and underscoring the old saying, "On any given Thursday, any team in the NFL can beat any other team, though why they have to play on a Thursday and screw up the Bottom Ten rankings, we're not sure."

Earlier,  the NFL announced that Oakland has been mathematically eliminated from the Super Bowl competition.  (Amazing what calculations those highly-powered computers of today can make.) And now the Raiders have been ejected from the worst-of-the-worst race.

Meanwhile, rising to the top of the bottom is Washington (3-7),  where the players seem to be in revolt.  QB Robert Griffin III, critical of the team and himself following a 7-27 loss to Grampa Bay, later felt the need to tweet: "I would never throw my teammates under the bus!"

 It was an odd comment coming just a few weeks after the team bus had crashed on the way to a game.

Washington players were said to be nervous that they'll be boarding a bus this weekend in San Francisco, city of high bridges.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss............... Next Loss
1. Washington (3-7)......7-27, Grampa Bay....S.F.
2. Oakland (1-10)         Def. K.C., 24-20......St. L
3. Jax (1-9)................... Idle......................... Indy
4. Old Orleans (4-6).... 10-27, Cincinnati..... Baltimore
5. Tennessee (2-8)....... 24-27, Pitts.............. Philadelphia
6. (Tie) N.J. Jets (2-8) and N.J. Giants (3-7); 8. Minnehaha (4-6); 9. Carolina (3-7-1); 10. NFC South (13-27-1)

Rout of the Week: S.F. (6-4) over Washington (3-7) (only rout scheduled).

Nutty Play of the Week: Aints fan Tony Williams was lambasted by the media after intercepting a souvenir football that a Bengals player had thrown into the stands to Bengals fan Christa Barrett. The New Orleans Times-Picayune said that Williams contended that Aints fans always jockey for position in those situations, similiar to how Mardi Gras "parade-goers compete for Zulu coconuts."

Welcome back, Grampa Bay!

                                          Oregon, front left, in Bottom Ten glory days.

By Steve Harvey
Not the funny one

Colleges

It seemed like old times last weekend, with such crucial games as Kansas State vs. TCU and Oregon vs. Utah. But wait! These were Top 25 crucials, not Bottom Ten crucials, like they used to be.

 Bottom Ten selectors could only shake their heads at how the world has turned upside down.

The Horney Frogs of TCU are 8-1. The former Sitting Ducks of Oregon are 9-1.

What? You say the 0-0 tie in 1983 between Oregon and the Meager Beavers of Oregon State is just a faint memory now? Wasn't that the game that inspired the myth that security guards threatened to lock the gates until someone---anyone!---scored? What great memories.

Next you'll tell me Mississippi State is a Top 25 contender.

At least, SMU is continuing the losing tradition. The football program was given the death penalty (banned from competing) for the 1987 and '88 seasons for multiple infractions, including boosters' payments to players.

SMU was banned from every set of rankings, except of course the always-forgiving Bottom Ten.

 Now, as the only winless major team, the Mustangs may capture still another title.

They have, by the way, defeated only two ranked teams since the death sentence was carried out against them. It's difficult to recover from the death penalty.

School, Record......... Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. SMU (0-8)..............28-38, Tulsa............. S Fla
2. Georgia St (1-9) .....21-45, Troy.............. Idle
3. Idaho (1-8) .............21-35 San Diego St.. Troy
4. Kent St (1-8).......... 20-30, Toledo........... Green (Bowling)
5. UNLV (2-8)............21-48, Air Force....... BYU
6. Colorado (2-8)........ 20-38, Arizona .........Idle
7. Weak Forest (2-7)... 20-34, Clemson ........N.C. St
8. Iowa St (2-7)........... 14-34, Kansas........... Idle
9. Syracuse (3-7) .........10-27, Duke ..............Pitts
10.Vanderbilt (3-7)..... 10-34, Florida............ Idle

Quotebook: From readers Ron and Bev Haramia, re. reports that hundreds of Univ. of North Carolina athletes received A's and B's in nonexistent classes over a period of several years: "What is worse? Taking a nonexistent class or getting a B in it?"

Pros

It was also like old times in the NFL, seeing Grampa Bay (1-8) galloping out to the lead in the Bottom Ten race.

In the 1970s, the Bucs became history's worst expansion team, losing their first 26 games. When coach John McKay was asked what he thought of the execution of tht Bucs, he responded: "I'm in favor of it."

The Bucs ascended to the top of the bottom this week with a 17-27 loss to the Lost Team of Atlantis. But being No. 1 means everyone else out there is revved up to lose to you. And the Bucs won't find it that easy to be outscored by Washington.

Right behind them, of course, is Oakland (0-9), wounded and insulted.  Against the Raiders, Broncos coach John Fox, a candidate for Sportsman of the Week, protested an interception call with 2:46 left to play and his team leading, 10-41. Hey, you can't be too safe.

Meanwhile, Oakland coach Tony Sparano said afterward, "We gotta stay the course." The captain of the Titanic couldn't have said it better.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss.............. Next Loss
1. Grampa Bay (1-8)... 17-27, Atlantis........ Washington
2. Oakland (0-9).......... 17-41, Denver ........San Diego
3. Jax (1-9) ..................17-31, Dallas............Idle
4. Chicago (3-6) ..........14-55, Green Bay.... Minnehaha
5. Tennessee (2-7)......... 7-21, Baltimore...... The Pitts
6. N.J. Jets (2-8); 7. Washington (3-6); 8. Atlantis (3-6); 9. New Orleans (4-5); 10. Carolina's offensive line (allowed its QB, Cam Newton, to be sacked 9 times vs. Philadelphia).

Rout of the Week:  San Diego over Oakland_in football_ but visiting Raiders fans will rout terrified San Diego season-ticket holders in the stands at Petco Park (see correction at bottom of column).

Quotebook: Cincinnati rookie runningback Jeremy Hill, asked to rate Cleveland Browns: "They're probably worse than I thought." Doesn't say much for Cincinnati, which had just lost to the Browns, 3-24.

Hashtag of the year: Dallas chose this unfortunate combination of letters for stories about its journey to London: #CowboysUK (highlights are mine; or should I say, lowlights?).

Re. the Rout of the Week: Whitney Skala writes: "Steve!!! Petco is our baseball stadium. Qualcomm is our football stadium. So, if the Raiders indeed descend upon Petco Park when their On-Loan-From-the-Redskins bus driver mistakenly takes them there, the Raiders most definitely will not be in a forgiving mood."

The SMUs Vying for Invite to Bottom Ten Playoffs

                                        

                                            Cal State Queen Mary, undefeated, winless.


By Steve Harvey
Stupor Bowl Director

The Colleges

For teams in the Bottom Ten, the end of daylight saving time was nothing to celebrate. It only meant that their seasons were one hour longer.

But positive-thinking BT selectors pointed out that setting back the clocks just heightened the suspense in the BT race, especially with the puzzling entrance of Cal State Long Beach (0-0) due to a computer error.

The 49ers (aka Cal State Queen Mary) have no wins this season. On the other hand, they have no losses, having given up the sport in 1991.

The Cal State confusion overshadowed this week's  Bottom Ten match of the century: No. 1 SMU (0-7) vs. No. 3 Tulsa (1-7). Yes, they don't get any smaller than this. It's a must-lose game for each team, as the saying goes.

In the meantime, Johns Hopkins University announced it had begun a study of the disorienting effect of placing college teams in conferences far from their campuses. 

Among those who have suffered are Massachusetts (2-7), lost in the Mid-American Conference;  Idaho (1-7), reeling about in the Sun Belt Conference; and of course, the Pac 12's beach-city team, Colorado (2-7).


School, Record ............Last Loss......... Next Loss
1. SMU (0-7)................ Idle ...................Tulsa

1. Cal State LB (0-0).... Idle ....................Idle

3. Tulsa (1-7)................ 20-40, Memphis SMU

4. Georgia St (1-8)......... 0-44, App State Troy

5. Idaho (1-7) ...............28-44, Ark St..... San Diego State

6. Troy (1-8)................ 10-42, Ga South. Idle

7. Weak Forest (2-6).... Idle .....................Clemson

8. UNLV (2-7)............ 28-31, New Mex. Air Force

9. New Mex St (2-7).... 29-37, Texas St ...La. Lafayette
10. E Mich (2-7)........... 7-38, Cent Mich...Idle

Quotebook: ESPN radio's Colin Cowherd ripped Michigan for having a QB who wears No. 98. Guess he doesn't know it's a tribute to Tom ("Old 98") Harmon, Michigan's Heisman Trophy-winning tailback of the 1940s who was voted 16th greatest college player ever in a 2007 poll by...ESPN.

Latest blow to journalism: LA Daily News' Scott Wolf reports that cornerback Adoree Jackson ran over a photographer in the end zone, explaining later that he thought the photog "was a trash can and I tried to push it out of the way."

                                           

                                          Miami, not used to winning, accidentally drenches ref                                                                                                                      

                                          with Gatorade after 0-37 win over San "No D"Iego.

The Pros

"In a league built on parity, the Jets have become parody," rightly noted Ben Shpigel of the New York Times.

As if their 1-8 record isn't evidence enough,  the Jets also learned their takeway total of 3 in 9 games, is the lowest total by any team in that period since 1940 (Peyton Manning's rookie
year).

And who do the Jets get next? The Pitts.

Let's face it, the Jets' season has been one long train wreck. Now, for a bus wreck, we turn to the Washington Redskins, whose bus crashed on the way to Sunday's game (see photo below).

"A little unique way to start the day, when you're getting ready for a football game and you're five feet from driving off a cliff," said coach Jay Gruden, who suffered a whiplash.

Rattled Washington went on to lose, 26-29 to Minnehaha.

And in honor of Halloween, a couple of zombies, Mark Sanchez and Alex Smith, arose from the dead to register victories while their old teams (the Jets and 49ers) met defeat.


Wreck, Record........... Last Loss ............Next Loss
1. N.J. Jets (1-8).......... 10-24, K.C.......... The Pitts
2. Oakland (0-8).......... 24-30, Seattle...... Oakland
3. Atlanta (2-6)........... Idle..................... Grampa Bay
4. Washington (3-6).... 26-29, Minneha... Off
5. L.A. Lakers (0-5).. 106-112, Phoenix...Charlotte
6. Jax (1-8); 7. Grampa Bay (1-7); 8. Chicago (3-5); 9. N.J. Giants (3-5); 10. Tie) Frisco (4-4)

and San Iego* (5-4).
 *Chargers have no "D."

Crummy Game of the Week: Atlanta (2-6) vs. Grampa Bay (1-7).

Rout of the Week: Jets (1-8) vs. the Pitts (6-3).

Quotebook: O.C. Register columnist Steve Fryer caught Monday Night Football broadcaster Jon Gruden uttering this nonsense after the N.J. Giants scored in the third quarter to cut the Indy Colts' lead to 23-9: "It's a new ball game!" The Giants lost, 40-24.

                                         Redskins' bus having bad year, too