Monday, September 5, 2011

Land of Cellar-Dwellers

A parody of Top Ten football polls by Steve Harvey
(Updated every 30 seconds, except on some Tuesdays)

The Colleges

With all its suspensions, Miami (Fla.) may soon announce that it's switching to 6-man football.

Whatever, the Hurricanes seem to have what it takes (or doesn't take) to win the Bottom Ten title this year, emblematic of the worst team in college football.

Right behind them in the BT's pre-season rankings are the Ohio State Blackeyes, who are coming off a winless year. The Blackeyes, you may recall, lost all their games July 8, when they were forced to forfeit their 2010 victories because several players had received illegal benefits.

QB Terrelle Pryor received the ultimate punishment_he was drafted by the Oakland Raiders.

Right behind Miami and OSU were bowl losers Oregon (0-1), Penn State (0-1) and Virginia Tech ( 0-1) (the Bottom Ten's primitive computer counts only 2011 bowl games in the 2011 pre-season rankings).

Middle Tennessee (0-1) came in at No. 10, based on its 21-35 bowl drubbing by Blank of Ohio (the former Miami of Ohio has dropped ``Miami" from its name to avoid being confused with its Florida namesake).

Wreck, 2011 Record Last Loss Next Loss

1. Miami (Fla.) ? * Maryland
2. Ohio State (0-1) T. Pryor Akron
3. Oregon (0-1) 19-22, Auburn LSU
4. Penn State (0-1) 24-37, Florida Indiana Sate
5. Virginia Tech (0-1) 12-40, Stanford Appalachian State
6. Wisconsin (0-1) 19-21, TCU UNLV
7. Texas A$M (0-1) 24-41, LSU The SMUs
8. Michigan (0-1) 14-52, Ole Miss State Western Michigan
9. Michigan State (0-1) 7-49, Alabama Youngstown State
10. Middle Tenn. (0-1) 21-35, Blank (Ohio) Purdon't

11. Fum-Ball State (0-0); 12. Western Kentucky (0-0); 13. UCLA (0-0); 14. Akron (0-0); 15. Texas (0-0); 16. Kansas (0-0); 17. Very Ole Miss (0-0); 18. Gone Fishing; 19. Vanderbilt (0-0); 20. USC (0-0).

*Exact number of Miami (Fla.) forfeit losses yet to be announced, as authorities dig through records and cash receipts dating back to school's founding in 1925.
**Don't worry, Trojan fans, USC is eligible for THIS set of rankings.

Crummy Game of the Week: Michigan (0-1) vs. Western Michigan (0-0).

Rout of the Week: Akron (0-0) over Ohio State (0-1) (admittedly, this is a hunch bet).

Worst pre-season insult: BCS winner Auburn was rated No. 23 in Associated Press' 2011 pre-season poll, the worst ranking of a returning national champion since 1960 champ Minnehaha failed to make the pre-season rankings in 1961.

Seeing red: Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy is being sued for breach-of-contract by a worker who claims he was fired from a job at Gundy's house for showing up in a University of Oklahoma baseball T-shirt, the Tulsa World reported. The suit claims Gundy yelled, ``How dare you come into my house and offend my wife?" (She was offended, Gundy explained, by the T-shirt.)

Quotebook: The Los Angeles Times reported that when a car driven by Oregon cornerback Cliff Harris was pulled over for allegedly cruising along at 118 mph, he was asked if he had any marijuana in the car. He responded: ``We smoked it all." Hey, end of problem!

Football's Shoeless Joe: The Associated Press said that police raided the apartment of LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson, accused of using his feet in a bar fight, and seized 49 pairs of his shoes_including the pair he was wearing.

Best pre-season laugh: After a Miami (Fla.) booster said that he had provided illicit benefits to 72 Hurricane athletes, President Donna Shalala said, ``Nationally, the academic achievements of our student-athletes are mentioned in the same breath and spirit as Notre Dame and Stanford."

Next Week: The Pro Bottom Ten (including some teams from the Canadian Football League) as well as the College BT (unless the NCAA has called off the season).

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