Tampa Bay at worst when it really counts...

                                Jets' Rex Ryan puts himself into game at quarterback.

                                                     Oops! Johnny Manziel shows up for                                                                               
                                                     game in wrong uniform.

By Steve Harvey

Subscriptions Dept.

Bottom Ten

The Tampa Bay Bucs, the NFL's expansion-team emeritus, captured the Bottom Ten title with a clutch 20-23 loss to Old Orleans.

The Bucs (2-14) did win something---the rights to the No. 1 pick in the draft. They may select Marcus Mariota, Oregon's Heisman Trophy-winning QB, if they've heard of him.

The Bucs edged the Tennessee Titanic, also 2-14, for the title.

A special citation goes to No. 4 Cleveland, which lost its last five games, sparked by QB Johnny Shuffleboard. Commentator Ben Maller noted it was the 50th anniversary of the last Browns championship, adding: "Anyone can have an off half-century."

Meanwhile, exec George McCaskey of the No. 5 Chicago Bears, announced that the patience of his mother (and Bears owner) Virginia McCaskey has run out.

"She's pissed off," he told the Chicago Tribune. "I can't think of a 91-year-old woman that that description would apply (to), but in this case, I can't think of a more accurate description."

Unconfirmed reports said that Virginia McCaskey had threatened to give her son a time-out if the team didn't start winning.

                                Ndamukong Suh, performing his Surfer Stomp move


Wreck, Record ...............Last Loss.....................Playoff Seeding

1. Tampa Bay (2-14) .......20-23, Old Orleans........None

2. Tennessee (2-14)........ 10-27, Indy.....................Nil

3. Oakland (3-13) ............14-47, Denver................Nada

4. Cleveland (7-9) ............10-20, Baltimore...........You kidding?

5. Chicago (5-11).............. 9-13, Minnesota .........Hah!

6. Jacksonville (3-13); 7. Washington (4-12); 8. N.J. Jets (4-12);  9. Old Orleans (7-9); 10. Idle.

Crummy Game of the Week: Any Wild Card match.

Quotebook: Seattle Times columnist Dwight Perry, on the $11,050 fine levied against Seattle RB Marshawn Lynch for grabbing his crotch at the end of a 79-yard run against the Cardinals: "So what were you expecting_10 yards for illegal use of hands?

Most explosive headline of year (on Yahoo)? : Hottest Football Wives and Girlfriends

(Wait until the wives find out about the girlfriends!)

   

Your Official Bowl Bottom Ten!

By Steve Harvey
CEO, Bottom Ten

Give us a "Dislike"!

Bowls

It's a myth that any college team can receive a bowl invitation. Take Fresno State, for instance. The Bulldogs (6-7) had to crumble 13-52 in their opener to USC to draw some attention.

And they had to wind up losing more than half their games, qualifying for the Hawaii Bowl against Rice only because they somehow won the Western Division of the Mountain West Conference, one of football's highest honors.

And, in case, any more proof about the Bulldogs' qualifications were needed, they were ranked the 98th best team in football the other day in USA Today's Sagarin Ratings. 'Nuff said.

Another real post-season turkey is the Foster Farms Bowl, pitting (apt word) Maryland (7-5) vs. Stanford (7-5). Stanford evidently was chosen because it has a lot of reverse momentum going, having fallen from No. 11 in the pre-season Top 25 rankings to its current No. 37.

Speaking of duds, the Independence Bowl, which will always be the Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl to true fans, matches Miami (Fla.) and South Carolina, two teams with 12 defeats between them.

Hopefully this game will finally settle the age-old argument about who would win a game between the third-place team in the Atlantic Coast's Coastal Division and the fourth-place team in the Southeastern Conference's East Division. The suspense!

 Finally, TCU and Baylor, both 11-1 and both rejected by the playoff committee in favor of some team from the Big Ten, qualified for Bitterness Bowls I and II.


Name of Dud......................Teams
1. Hawaii Bowl................... Fresno State (6-7)* vs. Rice (7-5)
2. Pinstripe Bowl..................BC (7-5) vs. Penn State (6-6)
3. Foster Farms Bowl.......... Maryland (7-5) vs. Stanford (7-5)
4. Tax Slayer Bowl..............Tennessee (6-6) vs. Iowa (7-5)
5. Independence Bowl..........Miami (6-6) vs. South Carolina (6-6)
6. Texas Bowl......................Texas (6-6) vs. Arkansas (6-6)
7. Liberty Bowl....................W Va (7-5) vs Texas A$M (7-5)
8. Once-Great Teams Bowl..Nebraska (9-3) vs. USC (8-4)
9. Bitterness Bowl 1..............TCU (11-1) vs. Ole Miss (9-3)
9. Bitterness Bowl II..............Baylor (11-1) vs. Michigan State (10-2)
10. Bottom Ten Bowl*..........SMU (1-11) vs. Georgia State (1-11)
*Time, Date, City, State, Country, Hemisphere, TV coverage of Bottom Ten Bowl are minor details still to be worked out.

Pros

It's always sad when a great streak comes to an end. So it is with Jacksonville, which was an underdog in 42 straight games_just one short of the NFL record set by the St. Louis Rams from 2007 to 2009.

Alas, the cruel schedule-maker had the Jaguars play the Tennessee Titanic on Thursday and Jacksonville was made a 3-point favorite. No one, except possibly Fresno State, could be an underdog against Tennessee.

But it was the end of the Jags' streak.

And the Titanic dutifully sank to No. 1 in the Bottom Ten. Nothing is official yet, though, because NFL CPAs are still scrambling to certify the Titanic's previous 16-11 loss to the Jets, trying to determine how a football game could end with a 16-11 score.

Next week, things return to normal for Jacksonville. They play at Houston (7-7), which has already beaten them once. The Jags are expected to be 6-point underdogs. A new streak!


Wreck, Record............. Last Loss ........................Next Loss
1. Tennessee (2-13)....... 13-21, Jax......................... Indy
2. Oakland (2-12).......... 13-31, K.C. .....................Buffalo
3. Washington (3-11)..... 13-24, N.J. Giants........... Philadelphia
4. Jax (3-12) ...................Def. Tennessee, 21-13.... Houston
5. Cleveland (7-7)*......... 0-30, Cincy.................... Carolina
6. Grampa Bay (2-12); 7. Atlanta (5-9); 8. N.J. Giants (5-9); 9. Chicago (5-9)**; 10. Idle.
*With Johnny Football at QB (see above photo).
**With or without Cutler at QB.

The Troubles of The Ohio State, Oklahoma and UCLA

By Steve Harvey
Trending in the wrong direction

                                        1984: Caltech's greatest (fake) gridiron moment   

Traditionals

UCLA, Ohio State and Oklahoma are pretty much strangers to the Bottom Ten_except in the category of some famous rivalries. The above three all play in traditionals in which they have losing records.

Yes, that's "The" Ohio State, which more often than not gets whipped by The Michigan. Oklahoma is below.500 lifetime against Texas.

One of the biggest losers in well known traditionals is UCLA, which has an overall 31-44-7 record against USC. One reason is that UCLA, founded four decades after USC, posted a 2-13-3, pre-1950 record vs. Troy.

The beginner Bruins lost their first two games to the Trojans by scores of 0-76 (1929) and 0-52 (1930). The series was so one-sided that USC refused to play UCLA again until 1936, when the Bruins were starting to get their act together.

Of course, now that UCLA has won its last 3 games against USC, perhaps it's time for the Bruins to propose a break in the series so that USC can regroup.

One of the oddest rivalries involves MIT and Caltech. During the 1984 Rose Bowl, the Pasadena scoreboard announced that Caltech was leading MIT, 38-9 in the fourth quarter (see above).

Actually, it was a hoax_UCLA was leading Illinois by that score. Caltech pranksters had re-wired the scoreboard to make it appear that Caltech was playing MIT. But the Bottom Ten doesn't quibble over such minor details. The BT charged MIT with the loss.

  Team.................. Record vs. Traditional Rival
1. Georgia Tech   (40-64-5, 385 vs. Georgia)
2. UCLA............ (31-44-7, .413 vs. USC)
3. Oklahoma....... (44-60-5, .422 vs. Texas)
4. Oregon State... (46-62-10, .426 ) vs. Oregon)
5. Cal...................(46-60-11, .434 vs. Stanford)
6. USC ................(35-45-5, .438 vs. Notre Dame).
7. Ohio State....... (46-58-6, .442 vs. Michigan)
8. Auburn............ (35-43-1. 449) vs. Alabama)
9. Florida State.... (28-31, .474 vs. Miami Fla., (not Miami Ohio)
10. MIT................(0-1, .000 vs. Caltech)

Pros

                                          Angry Jets' fans demand changes at top

What a performance by the Raiders' defense against St. Louis. The Rams were just 1 for 8 trying to convert third-down situations into first downs.

True, the Rams didn't particularly care because they led 38-0 at the half and increased the lead to 52-0. At that point, I think, the NFL "mercy rule" was called and the game was declared over. (I forget who brought snacks for afterward).

For the Raiders the good news is they won't be able to match Detroit's 2008 record of 0-16. Somehow the Raiders have already won a game this year.

Oakland, it goes without saying, is the Bottom Ten leader, followed by the N.J. Jets. The Jets_and GM John Idzik_were so excited abut the recent invention of the forward pass the team actually threw 13 times against Miami, completing seven for a whopping 65 yards. Somehow the Jets lost, 13-16.

They're just one slot ahead of their New Jersey brothers, the Giants, who blew a 21-0 lead and fell to none other than 2-10 Jacksonville, 24-25.

 Afterward, Giants RB Rashad Jennings said, "I don't know an English word to explain the way we feel." As usual,  the French have a word for it: terrible.


Wreck, Record .............Last Loss................... Next Loss
1. Oakland (1-11)........... 0-52, St. Louis............ S.F.
2. N.J. Jets (2-10........... 13-16, Miami (Fla.)...... Minnehaha
3. N.J. Giants (3-9)........ 24-25, Jacksonville...... Tennessee
4. Tennessee (2-10)....... 21-45, Houston............ N.J. Giants
5. Washington (3-9)...... 27-49, Indy................... St.Louis
6. Tampa Bay (2-10; 7. Jacksonville (2-10; 8. Carolina (3-8-1); 9. Chicago (5-8); 10. Idle.

Special Citation: Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times notes: "In four games against Seattle over the past two years, 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick has completed more passes to the Seahawks (5) than his own receivers (4) in the 15 times he's tested cornerback Richard Sherman. "

Thus he's had to stay after school (see below).