Stumbling toward the finish line

By Steve Harvey,
Team Member,
Bottom Ten

Seemingly inept Green Bay was trailing Dallas, 3-26, when the second half of the game began last Sunday. Fox broadcaster Joe Buck said to partner Troy Aikman, "Do you want to throw the bouquet at the feet of (Dallas defensive coordinator) Monte Kiffin or should I?"

It was, perhaps, a world record for speaking too soon. On the next play, the Pack's Eddie Lacey ran for 60 yards. That was the beginning of the end for the Cowboys, who, incredibly, fell 36-37.

Thus, just when you thought the Bottom Ten had seen the last of Dallas, Jerry Jones' merry recruits were back at No. 8. They've given up 30 or more points seven times this year.

No. 1, of course, was Who?ston (2-12), a 3-25 loser to Indy. And who do the Texans play next? Only Denver (11-3).

No. 2 is Oakland, which seems to reach new depths with each game. Two weeks ago, the Raiders (4-10) clinched their 11th straight losing season. And last week, against Kansas City? The Raiders gave up the most points (56) in one game in their history. Well done, fellows.

Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss................ Next Loss
1. Houston (2-12)............ 3-25, Indy................ Denver
2. Oakland (4-10)........... 31-56, K.C............... San Diego
3. Jacksonville (4-10)..... 20-27, Buffalo.......... Tennessee
4. Washington (3-11)..... 26-27, Atlantis.......... Dallas
5. Cleveland (4-10)........ 31-38, Chicago..........N.J. Jets
6. Alantis (4-10); 7. N.J. Giants (5-9); 8. Dallas (7-7); 9. Buffalo (5-9); 10. N.J. Jets (6-8).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Cleveland (4-10) at Jets (6-8).

Rout of the Week: Denver (11-3) over Houston (2-12).

Surprise of the Week: The headline below:

 Study says Steelers fans are saddest in the NFL; Raiders fans are most unstable

Bowled Over

By Steve Harvey
Bottom Ten
Asset Protection

Bowls

One of the perennial debates in college football is: How would a team that finished fifth in one subdivision of the Big Ten fare against a team that finished fifth in the Big 12?

Good news, horrible bowl fanciers! At last you can get the answer when Michigan (7-5) meets Kansas State (7-5) in the prestigious Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl, which will be held in Tempe, not Buffalo, and is no longer called the Copper Bowl or the Insight.com Bowl, and denies that it was ever called the Poulan Weed-Eater Bowl.

Michigan has the most reverse momentum of any bowl team, rallying with four defeats in its last five games to knock itself out of Rose Bowl consideration.

Believe it or not, Michigan and Kansas State are not the losingest bowl teams.Whereas they combined for 10 losses, Washington State and Colorado State put together 12 defeats all together---not that that discouraged the New Mexico Bowl selection committee. BT selectors voted it the worst bowl of the year.

Another team on a cold streak is Duke, coming off a 7-45 loss to Florida State. The Blue Devils face Texas A$M (8-4) in the Chick-fil-A Bowl. The point spread and attendance are expected to be about 12.

Opponents, Records.............................................. Dud Bowl
1. Washington St (6-6) vs. Colorado St (7-6) ..........New Mexico
2. Michigan (7-5) vs. Kansas St (7-5)..................... Wings
3. Boise St (9-4) vs. Oregon St (6-6)....................... Hawaii
4. Buffalo (8-4) vs. San Diego St (7-5)................... Potato
5. Utah (8-5) vs. N Ill (12-1)................................... Poinsettia
6. Marshall (9-4) vs. Maryland (7-5) .......................Military
7. Pits (6-6) vs. Bowling Green (10-3).................... Pizza
8. E.Carolina (9-3) vs. Ohio (O.) (7-5).................... Beef
9. Syracuse (6-6) vs. Minnesota (9-4) .....................Texas
10. Duke (10-3) vs. Texas A$M (8-4).................... Chick-fil-A


Pros

You'd think an NFL team on an 11-game losing streak would be making a run-away of the Bottom Ten championship race.

But, no,  Who?ston (2-11) still has plenty of competition.

There's quarterback-less No. 2 Washington, which is 3-10 and could move up with an impressive stomping by No. 5 Atlantis (3-10). Quite a shock it was when Washington coach Mike Shanahan said he would handle the quarterbacking chores himself this week.

Then there's No. 3 Minnehaha  (3-9-1). Things are going so badly for the Vikes that a catering truck plowed into their plane after their loss to Baltimore, forcing the team to wait several hours in their locker room before a new plane could be found. Replays showed the catering truck was definitely offsides.

And let's not forgot to congratulate the 4-9 Raiders, who clinched a losing record for the 11th straight year with their 27-37 loss to the Jets.

Wreck, Records.......... Last Loss .................Next Loss

1. Who?ston (2-11)...... 20-27, Jacksonville.... Indianapolis
2. Washington (3-10)... 10-45, Kansas City.... Atlantis
3. Minnehaha (3-9-1)... 28-29, Baltimore........ Philadelphia
4. Pitts (5-8) .................28-34, Miami .............Cincinnati
5. Atlantis (3-10).......... 21-22, Green Bay...... Washington

6. Buffalo (4-9); 7. Cleveland (4-9); 8. (Tie) N.Y. Giants (5-8) and N.Y. Knicks (6-15); 10. Oakland (4-9).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Atlantis (3-10) vs. Washington (3-10).

Oh, Miami (O.)! All Hail the 2013 Bottom Ten Champs

       
S
           Bottom Ten TV Network Debuts!

By Steve Harvey
Content Server

Colleges

Miami of Ohio (0-12), using its famous prevent offense, averaged 9.7 points per game this season to capture the mythical Bottom Ten title.

Possibly mythical Georgia State (0-12), a school that no one has ever heard of, finished second, pending an investigation of its existence by BT officials.

Third place went to Florida, which did win in the category of  "Most Disappointing Team of 2013."  The snaggle-toothed Gators, ranked No. 10 in AP's Top Ten pre-season poll, crossed over to the Bottom Ten in mid-season, losing their last seven games.

No. 4 UAB (2-10) lost 27-62, to No. 5 So Miss (1-11), which saw its hopes for a winless season float away down the Mighty Southern Mississip. That was the closest thing to a Bottom Ten Bowl this year. Sorry, football fans.


Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss.................. Bowl Bid?
1. Miami (Oh!) (0-12)..... 14-65  Ball St............  .None
2. Florida (4-8)................. 7-37, Fla St...............Nope
3. Georgia State (0-12) ...17-38, So Alabama....  Naw
4. UAB (2-10)................ 27-62, So Miss........... Nyet
5. So Miss (1-11)............ Def. UAB, 62-27......  .You kidding?
6. FIU (1-11)................... 6-21, Fla Atlantic........Uh uh
7. Idaho (1-11)............... 16-24, New Mex St..... Come on
8. Ole Mass (1-11)......... 23-51, Ohio (O.) ..........Get real
9. W. Mich (1-11).......... 14-33, N Ill................... Huh?
10. Low Cal (1-11).........13-63, Stanford.............Not Hardly
11. Hawaii (1-11); 12. Purdon't (1-11); 13. UTEP (2-10); 14. Tulsa (3-9); 15. New Mexico St (2-10); 16. E Mich (2-10); 17. Idle; 18. Kentucky (2-10); 19. Arkansas (3-9); 20. Virginia (2-10).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Closed for season.

Pros

Some Texas political figures have recommended that the state secede from the union. A growing number of folks down there, however, are saying that the state of Texas can remain but the Houston Texans football team must leave.

Once 2-0, the Texans rolled to their 11th straight loss, falling short against No. 8 Jacksonville (4-9), of all teams.

What a topsy turvy race it's been in the Bottom Ten. There was a time when the Jaguars and New York Giants were 0-6 and Tampa-at-Bay was 0-5. Now, those three have 12 wins among themselves, virtually bidding sayonara to their championship hopes.

Tampa still has a chance if it can find a way to lose to No. 3 Buffalo (4-8).

The Bills crumpled, 31-34, to Atlantis, in overtime in a game played in Toronto. Why was Buffalo happy when the game went into overtime? Well, who'd be in a hurry to return home to Buffalo?


Wreck, Record               Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. Houston (2-11).............20-27, Jacksonville....Idle
2. Washington (3-9)..........17-24, N.J. Giants.....Kansas City
3. Buffalo (4-8).................31-34, Atlantis...........Tampa-at-Bay
4. N.J. Jets (5-7)..................3-23, Miami (Fla.)...Oakland
5. Tampa-at-Bay (3-9)........6-27, Carolina..........Buffalo
6. Oakland (4-8) 7. Green Bay (5-6-1); 8. Jacksonville (4-9); 9. Atlanta (3-9); 10. Cleveland (4-8).

Crummy Games of the Weak: East regional: Oakland (4-8) at N.J. Jets (5-7); South regional: Buffalo (4-8) at Tampa-at-Bay (3-9).