Bottoming out in Arkanbama

By Steve Harvey

Bottom Ten Food Editor

                                           

The Colleges

"Smile! Smile! Or I'm not talking," Arkansas coach John Smith ordered puzzled reporters after a 0-52 loss to Alabama earlier this month.

This week Smith got laughs throughout the Southeastern Conference without asking. After a 26-35 loss to Rutgers, he said, "Don't give up on us. It's our program. It's a state of Alabama program." (Actually, Arkansas is in Arkansas).

Whatever, Bottom Ten selectors have not given up on the Razorbacks, elevating them to the bottom of the rankings.

A warm welcome to No. 8 Ill (2-2), a Big 10 school that qualified by losing by 28 to a school called Louisiana Tech.

Sorry, we don't have a report on how No. 20 USC fared because, like nearly every inhabitant of Southern California, we don't receive games broadcast by the Pac-12 Network. And Trojan coach Lane Kiffin later declined to divulge the score of the game, citing "privacy issues."

Wreck, Record...................... Last Loss................. Next Loss

1. Arkansas (1-3).................... 26-35, Rutgers.......... Texas A$M

2. Ole Mass (0-4).................... 16-27, Miami (O)...... Ohio (O)

3. E. Michigan (0-4).................. 7-23, Michigan St ...Idle

4. Idaho (0-4).......................... 37-40, Wyoming....... N. Carolina

5. Memphis (0-4).................... 14-38 Duke ...............Even Idler

6. Houston (0-3)..................... Idle ............................Rice

7. Ole Southern Miss (0-3)..... Idle ............................Louisville

8. Ill (2-2) ...............................24-52, La. Tech ........Penn St

9. Kansas (1-3) .......................23-30, N. Ill ..............Idlest

10. Iowa (2-2) ........................21-32, Cent. Mich..... Minnehaha

11. UAB (0-3); 12. Bowling (Green) (1-3); 13. Florida Atlantic (1-3); 14. Florida International (1-3); 15. Rice (1-3); 16. Kentucky (1-3); 17. Colorado State (1-3); 18. Out of town; 19. Temple (1-2); 20. USC (?).

Rout of the Weak: TCU (3-0) over SMU (1-2) (SMU says the possibility of the team showing up will be a "game-time decision").

Special Citation: Arizona gained 332 yards and zero points in a 0-49 loss to Oregon.

The Pros

What a season. Arizona (3-0) and Buffalo (2-1) are now heavy favorites to play in the Super Bowl. And quarterbacks Tom Brady, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning are all on 2-game losing streaks.

In fact, Brady led the New England Patsies into the No. 1 position as they lost to Baltimore, 31-30, on a disputed field goal. (Of course, what isn't disputed in the NFL these days?)

Patsy coach Bill Belichick grabbed the arm of a ref leaving the game but later explained he was just asking where the restrooms were.

He was fined $50,000 on Wednesday. A few days earlier, he had said:  "I've coached in the league a long time and never been penalized..." He was evidently forgetting that little $500,000 fan levied against him for the Spygate scandal several years ago.

Worst Coaching Performance of the Week honors went to No. 8 Miami's Joe Philbin, who called time out just as Jets kicker Nick Folk was missing a last-second field goal attempt. '' Given a second chance, Folk converted to give the Jets a 23-20 victory.

Meanwhile, after a hit that took off part of the ear of Houston QB Matt Schaub, the NFL handed out a 1-game suspension to No. 6 Denver linebacker Mike Tyson, excuse me, Joe Mays.

Wreck, Record ......................Last Loss................. Next Loss

1. New England (1-2)............. 30-31, Baltimore....... Buffalo

2. New Orleans (0-3).............. 24-27, Kansas City... Green Bay

3. Cleveland (0-3)................... 14-24, Buffalo.......... Baltimore

4. Green Bay (1-2)...................12-14, Seattle*......... New Orleans
5. Chivas USA (**) (7-15-7).... 0-1, DC United....... Who cares?

6. Denver (1-2); 7. The Pitts (1-2); 8. Miami (1-2); 9. Grampa Bay (1-2); 10. St. Louis (1-2).

* Pending a review by the U.S. Supreme Court
** The other kind of "football."

Rout of the Weak: Buffalo (2-1) over New England (1-2).

Quotebook: "Let's get ready for the second half, which can only get better,"  Chargers radio announcer Josh Lewin said with San Diego trailing Atlanta, 20-0. Nope. The Chargers lost, 27-3.

Don't forget the animal-rights issue: "Zebras have petitioned the courts to prohibit use of their name as a nickname for replacement refs," Art Aguilar wrote just before the labor deal was reached.

 Fantasy Follies: S.D. QB Philip Rivers (21-38 for 173 yards, 2 interceptions, no TDs); St. Louis RB Steven Jackson (11 carries, 29 yards); Tennessee RB Chris Johnson (14 carries, 24 yards) (third straight week on list for Johnson!).

Afraid of the temperamental Belichick? Actually, the photo was taken in Merry OLDE England and refers to vehicles carrying soccer hooligans. But they might start excluding Belichick, too.

Bowled Over in the Post-Season

By Steve Harvey

Outdated 15 minutes ago

The Bottom Ten Bowls

UCLA's football team observed a yearly tradition of taking a ditch day Tuesday, with most of the players absenting themselves from practice. You could make the case that 2011 was a ditch year for the Ruins, who compiled a 5-7 season.

Such futility did not preclude UCLA from being chosen for a post-season game_the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl, versus nearly-as-inept Illinois (6-6). The Ruins are the first under-.500 team to be chosen for a bowl since 5-6 North Texas went to the New Orleans Bowl (and lost by 25) in 2001.

And, UCLA could become the first bowl team to lose 8 games in a season if the Ruins fall to Illinois, as they surely will.

Thus it's no surprise that the Kraft Bowl would be ranked No. 1, just ahead of the Gator Bowl, which features the Ohio State Buckeyes (6-6) in their last post-season appearance for a while.

The Buckeyes were suspended from bowls_including the Hollywood Bowl_ for a year after players received cash and free tattoos from a Columbus businessman. The players involved were ordered to return their tattoos to the parlor.

Dud Bowl..........................Teams (with sorry records in parentheses)

1. Kraft Hunger Bowl............... UCLA (6-7) vs. Illinois (6-6).

2. Gator Bowl ............................Florida (6-6) vs. Ohio State (6-6).

3. Independence Bowl.............. North Carolina (7-5) vs. Missouri (7-5).

4. Little Caesars Pizza Bowl......Western Michigan (7-5) vs. Purdon't (6-6).

5. Belk Bowl*..............................North Carolina State (7-5) vs. Louisville (7-5).

6. Holiday Bowl**......................Texas (7-5) vs. Cal (7-5).

7. Pinstripe ................................Rutgers (8-4) vs. Iowa State (6-6).

8. Music City Bowl................... Mississippi State (6-6) vs. Wake Forest (6-6).***

9. Meinke Car Bowl ..................Texas A$M (6-6) vs. Northwestern (6-6).

10. BBVA Compass Bowl..........Pittsburgh (6-6) vs. The SMUs (7-5).

*Since you asked, Belk is a department store chain. This bowl, which, like many, has had various aliases, was formerly the Queen City Bowl and the Continental Tire Bowl (though not at the same time).

**Holiday Bowl is no day at the beach.

***Steve Gross points out a mistake in the No. 8 worst bowl: "Ahem...it's Weak Forest not Wake Forest.

.

Quotebook: The Los Angeles Times reported that NFL draft guru Gil Brandt says USC QB Matt Barkley compares ``favorably" to QB Mark Sanchez of the floundering Jets. Is that supposed to be a compliment?

The Pros

They've fouled up everything else this season so maybe it figures that the Indianapolis Dolts may now fail to be the NFL's worst team, in which case they would forfeit the right to draft Stanford QB Andrew Luck.

The previously winless Dolts (1-13) won a game Sunday_over Tennessee, true, but it still counts_and now sit just a game ahead of the St. Louis Lambs (2-12) and Minnehaha Vikings (2-12).

Elsewhere, the No. 9 Bears (7-7) are too late to contend for the Bottom Ten title this year, but they notched an admirable fourth straight loss. They've named Josh McCown to start Sunday against Green Bay (13-1).

McCown's attorneys have appealed to the governor for a commutation of the sentence.

No. 2 St. Louis (2-12) faces Pittsburgh (10-4), an unenviable task especially since the Steelers have ordered a new pair of crutches for QB Ben Roethlisberger to use on the field.

Wreck, Record...........Last Loss....................Next Loss

1. St. Louis (2-12)............ 13-20, Cincinnati............ Pittsburgh

2. Minnehaha (2-12)....... 20-42, New Orleans....... Washington

3. Buffalo (5-9)................ 23-30, Miami (Fla.)........ Denver

4. Indianapolis (1-13)..... Def. Tennessee, 27-13 ......Houston

5. Cleveland (4-10)......... 17-20, Arizona.................. Baltimore

6. Grampa Bay (4-10); 7. Jacksonville (4-10); 8. Carolina (5-9); 9. Chicago (7-7); 10. N.J. Giants (1-5 in last 6 games).

Rout of the Weak: (Regionals) Pittsburgh (10-4) over St. Louis (2-12); Green Bay (13-1) over Chicago (7-7).

Conspiracy against Tebow? Of course, he lost to New England over the weekend. What would you expect with all the jinxes working against him? Not only was Tebow on the cover of Sports Illustrated beforehand but Republican presidential hopeful Rick Perry compared himself to Tebow. Polls indicate Perry is the fourth string candidate in the Iowa caucuses.

Dolts Still Rule Bottom Ten Land

By Steve Harvey

Updated 34 years ago last Tuesday

Colleges

(On holiday break)

Pros

A ''game-time decision" is how the NFL rated the the possibility of Indianapolis daring to show up to play Baltimore last Sunday. And, in truth, the Dolts' offense didn't arrive until the fourth quarter, scoring one touchdown in a 10-24 loss as Indy preserved its winless season and No. 1 position in the Bottom Ten.

It was, interestingly enough, the Ravens' fourth straight victory since defensive captain Ray Lewis was sidelined with a bad toe. There was, however, no indication that the team would put Lewis on injured reserve to insure that its winning streak will continue.

Elsewhere, No. 8 Kansas City (5-8) accumulated four (4) yards on offense in the first half (including minus-19 yards in the second quarter), en route to a 10-37 loss to the New Jersey Jets. The game was noteworthy only for a pioneer ruling after Jets running back Shonn Greene coughed up the ball as he spun around and fell on his rear end. Officials ruled it was not a fumble, broadcaster Ian Eagle explained, because Greene had ``two cheeks down."

There was nothing funny about the game to the Chiefs, who announced the next day that coach Todd Haley had been fired, a move that NBA commissioner David Stern tried unsuccessfully to nullify.

While Indianapolis (0-13) is the obvious favorite in the Bottom Ten race, St. Louis (2-11) and Minnehaha (2-11) have not been mathematically eliminated. The Vikes are unlikely to end their losing ways on Sunday. They host New Orleans (10-3). The temperature and point spread are expected to be in the 30s.

Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss............... Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-13).......... 10-24, Baltimore........ Tennessee

2. Buffalo (5-8)..................... 10-37, San Diego......... Miami

3. St. Louis (2-11)................. 13-30, Seattle.............. Cincinnati

4. Minnehaha (2-11)............. 28-34, Detroit............ New Orleans

5. Grampa Bay (4-9)............. 14-41, Jacksonville.... Dallas

6. Cleveland (4-9); 7. Carolina (4-9); 8. Kansas City (5-8); 9. Jets (0-8 lifetime vs. Philadelphia); 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow (1-7).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Buffalo (5-8) vs. Miami (4-9).

Fantasy Flops: RB Chris Johnson (Tenn.), 23 yards in 11 carries; RB Beanie Wells (Ariz.), 27 yards in 15 carries.

You knew it had to happen: A few minutes after broadcasters at the New England-Washington game noted that Pats QB Tom Brady had thrown 200 passes without an interception, Brady threw an interception in the end zone.

What about Tebow? Headline in NFL Magazine: ``Our man Manning. Without even playing a down, Peyton's proven he's the NFL MVP."

The Wall Street Journal's Jason Gay on Tebow's graceful style: ``He runs like he's stealing a toaster from the mall."

New Mexico Has What It Doesn't Take

By Steve Harvey

Bottom Ten intern

Backdated 15 minutes ago

The Colleges

Akron (1-11) and Indiana (1-11) had good reasons for not scoring over the weekend. They didn't play.

But New Mexico (1-11) had no such excuse, falling to Boise State, 0-45_its third shutout loss_to win the Bottom Ten title. Lost Lobos edged out fellow shutout victim Florida Atlantic (1-11) for the honor.

Followers of Akron, Indiana and Florida Atlantic reacted in disbelief, asking how their teams could be overlooked when they tied for most losses in the nation_11. But until a TV show sponsors a Bottom Ten playoff_how about a re-make of ``The Gong Show"?_arguments about who is No. 1 will rage on, for at least 15 seconds.

Ole Ole Miss, meanwhile, won another title of sorts_for worst bargain of a coach, USA Today reported. The Rebels went 2-10 under coach Houston Nutt, who was paid $2.8 million for the season_or $1.4 million per win, as any Ohio State math whiz could tell you.

Other high finishers were Indiana 's Kevin Wilson (one win, $1.26 million per year), Kansas' Turner Gill (one win, $1.05 million per year), and Maryland's Randy Edsall (two wins, $2 million contract).

Wreck, Record...................... Last Loss..........Bowl Invite?

1. New Mexico (1-11)........... 0-45, Boise State.......... No

2. Florida Atlantic (1-11)..... 0-26, L.A.-Monroe....... You kidding?

3. Akron (1-11)..................... 19-68, W. Michigan....... Uh, uh

4. Indiana (1-11)................... 25-33, Purdon't.............. No chance

5. UNLV (2-10)...................... 9-56, TCU...................... Get serious

6. Two Lane (2-11) ..............23-35, Hawaii................. Not Hardly

7. Maryland (2-10).............. 41-56, N.C. State............. Nope

8. Kansas (2-10).................. 10-24, Missouri................Don't ask

9. Near Miss (2-10).............. 3-31, Ole Miss State...... Nada

10. Idaho (2-10).................... 3-56, Nevada ...................Small potatoes

11. Duke (3-9); 12. Central Michigan (3-9); 13. Oregon State (3-9); 14. Washington State (4-8); 15. Rice (4-8); 16. Louisiana-Monroe (4-8); 17. Tennessee (5-7); 18. Kentucky (5-7); 19. Closed or repairs; 20. UCLA (6-7).

Should New Mexico (1-11) be in the TOP Ten? Reader Jay Berman points out that New Mexico's only win was over UNLV, and UNLV beat Hawaii while Hawaii beat Colorado. Colorado beat Arizona, and Arizona beat Arizona State, which beat USC, which beat Oregon. Therefore, New Mexico could whip Oregon handily.

The Pros

It's obvious that Indianapolis has found its quarterback of the future: Dan Orlovsky, who passed for 353 yards and two touchdowns in a 24-31 loss to New England.

His performance meant that the Dolts can now cut Peyton Manning, forget about signing Brett Favre (he's going to Chicago, anyway), and use their first-round draft choice to get a decent running back instead of that guy at Stanford. Orlovsky should lead the Dolts to victory in the 2012-2013 Super Bowl.

Former Bottom Ten luminary Arizona (5-7) fell out of contention with a 19-13 overtime win over over-rated Dallas. The Cardinals' LaRod Stephens-Howling caught a short pass and ran 52 yards for the winning touchdown, crossing the goal line before broadcasters managed to pronounce his full name.

The Cowboys would have won in regulation except that Dallas coach Jason Garrett inexplicably called time out just as his own kicker Dan Bailey was booting what would have been a 49-yard-field goal. On his second try, Bailey missed. "I was glad they iced the kicker there at the end so I didn't have to do it," said Arizona coach Ken Whisenhunt. What a howl.

Wreck, Record.................... Last Loss.................... Next Loss

1. St. Louis (2-10)..............0-26, San Francisco... Seattle

2. Indianapolis (0-12)..... 24-31, New England..... Baltimore

3. Buffalo (5-7)................. 17-23, Tennessee.......... San Diego

4. Minnehaha (2-10) .......32-35, Denver............... Detroit

5. Grampa Bay (4-8)....... 19-38, Carolina............ Jacksonville

6. Jacksonville (3-9); 7. Carolina (4-8); 8. Cleveland (4-8); 9. Dallas (7-5); 10. Rest of NFL vs. Tebow (1-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Grampa Bay (4-8) at Jacksonville (3-9) (senior discounts available).

Monday Night Crummy Game of the Weak: St. Louis (2-10) at Seattle (5-7).

Rout of the Weak: Cleveland (4-8) at the Pitts (9-3).

Fantasy Flops: RB Michael Bush (Oakland), 10 carries for 18 yards.

BCS (Bowl Chump Series) Canceled!

By Steve Harvey

Updated 3 nanoseconds ago

Colleges

Alas, there'll be no post-season Bottom Ten Bowl series inasmuch as talks broke down with NBC to hold the competition on its show, ``The Biggest Loser."

So, four teams will be in contention for the prestigious title on Saturday: New Mexico (1-10), Akron (1-11), Indiana (1-11) and Florida Atlantic (1-10).

New Mexico is the favorite because of a favorable schedule: Lost Lobos get to close against Boise State, giving them a chance to lose by anywhere from 40 to 60 points.

No. 3 Florida Atlantic, by contrast, could actually defeat its opponent, No. 10 Louisiana-Monroe (named for James, not Marilyn).

All Akron and Indiana can do is wait_their seasons are over (for which their fans can be thankful).

The end of the season is, unfortunately, a time for firings. Sure enough, the Bottom Ten axed several staff members, including one who ranked Oregon No. 1 after the Ducks' opening loss to LSU, another who reported that the University of Texas was going to jump to the American League West and a third who believed Urban Meyer last week when Meyer said he had not been offered the coaching job at Ohio State.

Wreck, Record................................ Last Loss........................Next Loss

1. New Mexico (1-10).............................Idle.......................................Boise State

2. Akron (1-11)..................................... 19-68, W. Michigan................*

3. Indiana (1-11)....................................25-33, Purdon't...................... *

4. Florida Atlantic (1-10).......................Def. Ala. (Birm.), 38-35...........La.-Monroe

5. UNLV (2-9)...................................... 14-31, San Diego State...........TCU

6. Two Lane (2-11).............................. .23-35, Hawaii .........................*

7. Maryland (2-10)............................... 41-56, N.C. State......................*

8. Kansas (2-10).................................. 10-2, Missouri .........................*

9. Near Miss (2-10)............................. 3-31, Ole Miss State.................*

10. Louisiana-Monroe (3-8).................. Idle...........................................Florida Atlantic

11. Duke (3-9); 12; Idaho (2-9); 13. Central Michigan (3-9); 14. Oregon State (3-9); 15. Washington State (4-8); 16. Rice (4-8); 17. Tennessee (5-7); 18. Kentucky (5-7); 19. Closed Until Summer; 20. UCLA (6-6).

* Denotes season is over, done, finito, toast.

Rout of the Weak: New Mexico (1-10) at Boise State (10-1). Alternate selection: Oregon (10-2) vs. UCLA (6-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Louisiana-Monroe (3-8) at Florida Atlantic (1-10).

Correction of the Week (from the New York Times): ``A chart on Monday about the contenders for the Heisman Trophy misstated the number of passes that Southern California quarterback Matt Barkley threw and completed against UCLA on Saturday. He completed 35 of 42 passes, not 3 of 12."

Correction of the Week Comment: So that's how USC won, 50-0!

Quotebook: On his blog, UCLA athletic director Dan Guerrero promised he ``will leave no stone unturned in finding the best person" to replace fired coach Rick Neuheisel. Mused the L.A. Times' T.J. Simers: ``Do you really want UCLA finding its next football coach under a rock somewhere?"

Pros

Dan Orlovsky is starting at quarterback for Indianapolis (0-11) Sunday and it will be a familiar experience for him. His last start was in 2008 for Detroit, which went 0-16 that year. Orlovsky is replacing Curtis Painter, who hasn't figured out the art of playing quarterback in the NFL.

Unfortunately for Orlovsky and the Dolts, they face New England (8-3). The overs-and-unders for the game is 50, the same number of points the Patriots are favored to win by.

Exciting as the Dolts' winless drive may be, there was even more talk about the stomping epidemic sweeping the pro football world.

Just the other day, ex-NFL QB Joe Kapp, age 73, knocked down a former rival at a Canadian Football League annual alumni luncheon, then kicked him. Kapp is expected to be suspended from the next two annual alumni luncheons.

Kapp's outburst came on the heel of Detroit defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh of Detroit stepping on a Green Bay player. Suh (rhymes with ``shoe") will sit out the next two games, unless an appeal to halve his suspension is granted.

In order to save plane and hotel fare, Suh has rented an apartment in Manhattan to make it easier for him to commute to his weekly scoldings by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss................ Next Loss

1. Guess Who (0-11)...... 19-27, Carolina........... New England (!)

2. St. Louis (2-9)........... 20-23, Arizona ............San Francisco

3. San Diego (4-7)......... 13-16, Denver OT*........Jacksonville

4. Minnehaha (2-9)........ 14-24, Atlanta.............. Denver

5. Philadelphia (4-7)...... 20-38, New England......Seattle

6. Jacksonville (3-8); 7. Kansas City (4-7); 8. Cleveland (4-7); 9. Buffalo (5-6); 10. Rest of NFL vs. Tebow (1-4).

*OT stands for ``overcome by Tebow."

Crummy Thursday Night Game of the Weak: Philadelphia (4-7) at Seattle (4-7). NFL Network promoted it as a ``primetime showdown" in one ad. For what? The Bottom Ten title?

Crummy Monday Night Game of the Weak: San Diego (4-7) at Jacksonville (3-8).

Rout of the Weak: Guess Who (0-11) at New England (8-3).

A kicker whose aim must be good in more ways than one: Chargers kicker Nick Novak, caught by cameras urinating on the sideline during the San Diego-Denver game, told the New York Times: ``I usually go two or three times a game...We can't really go inside to do it. You just take a knee, have teammates hold up towels."

Defining Black Friday: ``Just think of it as going shopping with 5,000 Ndamukong Suhs," wrote Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times.

The turkeys of the gridiron

By Steve Harvey

Not trending: Oklahoma State, Oregon, Florida Atlantic

Colleges

The only major college football team with a winless record, Florida Atlantic came through with a 7-34 loss to ancient Troy (Ala.) to remain atop the Bottom Ten. But now the question is whether the myopic Owls can avoid victory when they go up against No. 8 Alabama (Birm.) (3-8) Saturday.

Switching from the Atlantic to the Pacific, No. 4 Tulane is expected to record its 11th loss against Hawaii, which has the home-island advantage.

In other action, Columbia University announced it was suspending the school band for serenading the beleaguered football team (1-8) with such lyrics as, Why are we even trying?/ We always lose lose lose/ But we take solace in our booze.

But officials changed their mind before gametime after the band apologized. Perhaps the school didn't want to be flagged for brass interference. And Columbia won won won.

Wreck, Record..................Last Loss..............Next Loss

1. Fla. Atlantic (0-10).............. 7-34, Troy................. Alabama (Birm.)

2. Akron (1-10)........................ 10-51, Buffalo............ Western Michigan

3. Columbia (1-9).................... Def. Brown 35-28..... Done

4. Tulane (2-10)...................... 7-19, Rice.................... Hawaii

5. UNLV (2-8)......................... 17-45, Air Force........ San Diego State

6. New Mexico (1-10)............. 10-31, Wyoming........ Boise

7. Indiana (1-10)..................... 3-55, Mich. State....... Purdon't

8. Alabama (Birm.) (3-8).......Def. So. Miss, 34-31..Florida Atlantic

9. Memphis (2-9)................... 22-23, Marshall..........Southern Miss

10. Idaho (2-9)....................... 42-49, Utah State....... Nevada

11. La. Monroe (3-8); 12. Maryland (2-9); 13. Colorado (2-10); 14. B.C. (3-8); 15. Duke (3-8); 16. Kentucky (4-7); 17. Central Michigan (3-9); 18. The Pitts (5-5); 19. Attending last episode of ``Live! with Regis and Kelly"; 20. William and/or Mary (5-6).

Pros

And, so, the number of sidelined quarterbacks grew, including Houston's Matt Schaub (bad foot), Chicago's Jay Cutler (bad thumb) and Washington's John Beck (bad passes).

Still, it was a surprise when the NFL Network announced it would no longer cover the games themselves but would concentrate solely on injuries and rename itself, Hospital Zone!

Two fascinating streaks will be on the line this Thanksgiving weekend. No. 1 turkey Indianapolis (0-10) goes up against No. 4 Carolina (2-8), a team the Dolts could actually defeat.

And New Orleans will try to snap an 0-11 record on coin flips (including one in overtime). The Saints denied that coach Sean Payton's job is in danger because of his failure to develop a prescient coin-toss caller. No doubt this issue will be covered by the ESP network.

Wreck, Record..........Last Loss..........Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-10).... Idle....................... Carolina

2. St. Louis (2-8)............ 7-24, Seattle........ Arizona

3. San Diego (4-6)......... 20-31, Chicago..... Denver

4. Carolina (2-8)........... 35-49, Detroit...... Indianapolis

5. Arizona (3-7)............. 7-23, San Fran.......St. Louis

6. Buffalo (5-5); 7. Minnehaha (2-8); 8. Jacksonville (3-7) ; 9 Grampa Bay (4-6); 10. Rex Ryan's predictions (5-5).

Crummy Games of the Weak: Carolina (2-8) at Indianapolis (0-10); Arizona (3-7) at St. Louis (2-8).

Fantasy Flops: Tennessee's Chris Johnson chalked up 28 no-purpose yards, 13 on the ground in 12 carries and 15 through the air on 3 receptions, in a 17-23 loss to Atlanta.

Famous Last Words: ``The biggest thing for the secondary is for us not to fall asleep," said Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis before their game against Tim Tebow and the Broncos. ``It can get boring, especially if a team keeps on just running the ball, series after series, play after play." The boring Broncos whipped the Jets, 17-13.

Plumbing the depths

By Steve Harvey

Updated every 3.2 seconds

(And welcome to the column all you NBA fans with nothing better to do!)

Colleges

Howard Schnellenberger has a chance to become the first coach ever to win a national championship as well as the Bottom Ten title.

Schnellenberger, whose 1983 Miami (Fla.) team won it all, is now the coach of Florida Atlantic, which is a university, not an airline, and has a chance to lose it all. FA, 0-9, seized sole possession of No. 1 after the unlikely triumph of former co-leader New Mexico over UNLV.

(New Mexico (1-9), as Bottom Ten rules mandate, was suspended from the rankings for one week after the victory).

Staying on top won't be easy for FA, which still needs to lose to Troy (2-7), Alabama (Birmingham) (2-8) and Louisiana-Monroe (3-7) in order to have its name inscribed on the plaque at the Bottom Ten Hall of Fame, currently located in the back of a van in Venice, Calif.

Another big gainer in the rankings was No. 3 Tulane (2-9), which fell to Houston, 17-73. Still, the Green Wave did briefly excite fans by scoring in the fourth quarter to narrow the margin to 17-59, thus making it just a 6-possession game.

Wreck, Record................ Last Loss.......................... Next Loss

1. Florida Atlantic (0-9)........ 7-41, Florida International.... Troy

2. UNLV (2-7) ........................14-21, New Mexico................... Air Force

3. Tulane (2-9)...................... 17-73, Houston .........................Rice

4. Akron (1-9).......................... 3-35, Kent State......................Buffalo

5. Memphis (2-8).................. 35-41, Alabama (Birm.) ..........Marshall

6. Indiana (1-9)...................... 20-34, Ohio State.....................Michigan State

7. Buffalo (2-8)...................... 17-30, Eastern Michigan ........Akron

8. Idaho (2-8) ..........................7-42, BYU.................................Utah State

9. Maryland (2-8)................. 21-45, Notre Dame.................. Wake Forest

10. Oh, Miss? (2-8) .................7-21, Louisiana Tech..............LSU

11. Alabama (Birm). (2-8); 12. Arizona (2-8); 13. Oregon State (2-8); 14. Colorado (2-9); 15. B.C. (2-8); 16. Duke (3-7); 17. Kentucky (4-6); 18. Tennessee (4-6); 19. Attending NBA opener; 20. Tie between William & Mary (4-6).

Rout of the Weak: LSU (10-0) at Oh, Miss? (2-8).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Florida Atlantic (0-9) at Troy (2-5) (the Troy in Alabama, not the one in Southern California).

The Pros

It was another low for the Dolts.

Indianapolis and Jacksonville were tied 3-3 Sunday but CBS didn't share any details with viewers on its early halftime show. ``No highlights here," NFL Today anchor James Brown snapped, quickly switching away to another game after giving the score.

But the Dolts did, of course, qualify for the Bottom Ten's lowlights show!

The 0-10 Dolts lost, 3-17, and are the only team with less than two wins in the NFL. They seem a shoe-in to get first choice in the draft but what happens if they take Andrew Luck and Luck can't find the team?

Don't forget this is the franchise that packed up its stuff in 15 Mayflower trucks when things got rough in 1984 and sneaked out of Baltimore, stopping in Indianapolis reportedly because they ran out of gas.

Cleveland, meanwhile, moved up to No. 4 with a 12-13 loss to St. Louis as the Browns' Phil Dawson botched a 22-yard field goal attempt. Dawson's miss occurred because center Ryan Pontbriand's snap bounced off the foot of a teammate lined next to him. His snap, in other words, was off to the left.

Wreck, Record.......... Last Loss............... Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-10)...... 3-17, Jacksonville...... Idle

2. Washington (3-6)........ 9-20, Miami............... Dallas

3. Philadelphia (3-6)....... 17-21, Arizona............ N.J. Giants

4. Cleveland (3-6)............ 12-13, St. Louis.......... Jacksonville

5. Carolina (2-7)................ 3-30, Tennessee....... Detroit

6. Minnehaha (2-7); 7. St. Louis (3-6); 8. San Diego (4-5); 9. DeSean Jackson's alarm clock; 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow (1-4).

Worst Imitation of a Football Player: As Tennessee's Marc Mariani was seen returning a punt 79 yards for a touchdown against Carolina, CBS' James Brown said of kicker Jason Baker's half-hearted attempt to bring down Mariani: ``At least give us a break. Try to make the tackle."

Quotebook: Regarding the contract gripes of Philadephia WR DeSean Jackson, one fan wrote to Yahoo (his spelling and grammar was left intact): ``why did he sign such a worthless contract. he is a educated man or is he? this reminds me of Revis, mr you signed a contract live up to it all you people out there who say give him the money would you say that ifn you owned philly?" (Perhaps ifn I owned a small part of the team.)