Miserable Michigan makes its move

By Steve Harvey
Miscommunications Dept.

COLLEGES

It's shaping up as the Bottom Ten event of the year: two of the losingest teams in the nation, Ole Mass (0-5) and Miami (Oh!) (0-5) will bump into each other and try not to fall down.

The loser could take sole possession of No. 1, assuming someone wins, which is no certainty

Of course, just behind the duo is miserable Michigan (2-3). "This team can still win championships," Michigan coach Brady Hoke said a few days ago, and he's right.

The Wolverines, losers of nine of their last 13, can still capture the Bottom Ten championship.

Next, they will be ground up by merciless Rutgers (4-1).

I don't know about you but I'm getting a little tired of these big-name sports powers, such as Rutgers, scheduling push-overs, like poor little Michigan, to make their won-lost record look more formidable.

Elsewhere, two wrecks in progress, You Conn (1-4)  and Too Lane (1-4) will stumble into each other.

And, UCLA, the worst 4-0 team in the nation, gave up 626 yards in a 62-27 win over Arizona State.  Secretive UCLA coach Jim Mora refused to say who played quarterback during the game.


Team, Record.......... Last Loss ..................Next Loss
1. Miami (Oh!) (0-5). 27-35, Buffalo........... Ole Mass
2. Ole Mass (0-5) ......42-47, Bowling Grn...Miami (Oh!)

3. Michigan (2-3) .....14-30, Minnehaha ......Rutgers

4. SMU (0-4) .............0-56, TCU................ E Carolina

5. Kansas (2-2) .........-Coach .......................W Virginia
6. Troy (0-5) .............20-22, Monroe........... New Mexico St
7. Idaho (0-4)............ 10-34, S Alabama...... Texas State
8. UNLV (1-4)......... 17-34, SD St............... San Jose St
9. Two Lane (1-4) ......6-31, Rutgers............ You Con
10. You Con (1-4).... 10-36, Temple............ Two Lane

Others receiving votes (in reverse alphabetical order): Semester at Sea (0-0); the University of Phoenix (0-0); Electoral College (0-0).

Rout of the Week: Rutgers (4-1) over Michigan (2-3).

Crummy Game of the Week, Year, Decade: Ole Mass (0-5) at Miami (Oh!) (0-5).

Special Citation: As  befits their nickname, the Sun Devils of Arizona State topped UCLA in time of demonic possession, 34:07 to 25:53.

PROS

How about a special Bottom Ten welcome for this week's guest stars, the U.S. Ryder Cup team hacks, who lost to Europe for the 8th time in 10 meetings?

Isn't it time to revise the procedures here, organize a Western Hemisphere Ryder Cup competition and require that the Americans to win a tournament in order to qualify to lose to the Europeans?

Right behind the hacks is No. 2 Jacksonville, which is giving up 38 points per game. About the only professional team with a more porous defense is the Secret Service outfit at the White House. 

No. 3 is Oakland, which fell 14-38 to Miami (Fla.) in London, though it should be noted that Miami had the home-ocean advantage (Atlantic).

No. 4 is Old Orleans, which is so bad that other teams have invited the harmless Aints to put bounties out on them, just to get a good laugh.

Loser, Wreckage............ Last Loss.................... Next Loss

1. U.S.Ryder Cup  (2-8)...11 1/2-16 1/2, Europe...Finito

2. Jacksonville (0-4).........14-33, San Diego......... The Pitts

3. Oakland (0-4) ..............14-38, Miami............... Healing nicely

4. Old Orleans (1-3) ........17-38 Dallas................ Tampa

5. Olde England (2-2)..... 14-41, K.C...................Cincinnati

6. N.J. Jets (1-3); 7. Tennessee (1-3); 8. Washington (1-3); 9. Grampa Bay (1-3); 10. Carolina (2-2).

Crummy Game of the Week: Grampa (1-3) vs. Old Orleans (1-3).

Fresno State Sure Can't Kick

By Steve Harvey
First-Time Caller, Long-Time Listener

CONTAINS NO MSG


The Colleges

You have any eligibility left? The Associated Press reported that Fresno State (0-3) will be holding "open tryouts" to find a new placekicker_a development that moved the Bulldogs to No. 1 in the Bottom Ten.

Actually, the team should also be auditioning prospective tackles, linebackers and defensive backs inasmuch as it's giving up 55.3 points per game.

Why, even Steve Sarkisian's timid USC offense scored 52 against FSU, if you can imagine that.

Elsewhere, the Big Ten leased all the space in No. 2, hanging on to its distinction as the most inept collection of football schools in the nation.

The conference  has a 1-10 record against the Power 5 conference teams. The BT's only win in that category was achieved by Rutgers over dreaded Washington State.

You remember Washington State, the team that coach Mike Leach once said was full of "empty corpses" and "zombies" in 2012? An NCAA investigation found no evidence of such personnel, much to the relief of WSU opponents. (Think of how difficult it would be bring down a zombie ball carrier.)

School, Record......... Last Loss ...................Next Loss

1. Fresno St (0-3)....... 19-55, Nebraska.......... S. Utah
2. Big Ten (1-10 vs. Power 5 opponents)........Season over
3. SMU 0-2)............... Idle .............................Texas A$M
4. Miami (Oh!) (0-3).. 10-34, Michigan.......... Cincinnati
5. Texas (1-2)............ 17-20, UCLA............... Idle
6. Kansas (1-1) ............3-41, Duke.................. Central Michigan
7. Rice (0-2) ..............10-38, Texas A$M........ Old Dominion
8. Troy (0-3) ..............35-38, Ab. Christian..... Georgia
9. Idaho (0-2)............. 33-45, W. Michigan... ..Ohio (O)
10. UCLA (3-0)*....... Mauled Texas, 20-17.....Ariz St

**Worst 3-0 team in nation. Favored by a total of 53 points in first three games, the Ruins have eked out wins by a total of 18 points.

Crummy Game of the Week: Idle.

Rout of the Week: Texas A&M over the SMUs.

Quotebook: Asked whether injured QB Brett Hundley would start the Bruins' next game, coach Jim Mora said: "I'm not going to tell anybody anything until kickoff versus Arizona State. Nobody. Nothing."

Quotebook II (reacting to Mora's comment): "Presumably he'll tell Hundley," the LA Times' Chris Foster noted.)

The Pros


Its not just that No. 1 Old Orleans lost its first two games.  It's that in each defeat, the team blew leads with less than 10 seconds left to play.

Looks like it's time for fans to to get out their old Aints shopping bags for headgear or buy new ones  (paper sacks may cost 10 cents in some stores; the Bottom Ten does not share in most proceeds from sale of paper sacks).

Too bad but Aints' fans probably won't be able to borrow the "Baguars" sacks donned by Jacksonville (0-2) followers (see photo below) since the Florida folks will be using them for their own team. It's also a candidate for the Bottom Ten title.

And what can quarterback-less Jacksonville do? If only there were an inspirational quarterback from the Florida area available out there, a guy who won one less playoff games for Denver than Peyton Manning. Oh, yeah, and he has a spotless reputation...

Elsewhere, there's concern in Buffalo, which has WON its first two games, thus endangering its post-season BT prospects. Studies  show that only 12% of teams opening 2-0 make it into the Bottom Ten tournament, tentatively scheduled for Flushing Meadows, N.Y., on April 1.  Don't give up, Bills, you guys can still revert to your old, inept ways.

Team, Record.......... Last Loss*................... Next Loss

1. Old Orleans (0-2)... 24-26, Cleveland........ Minnehaha
2. Jacksonville (0-2)... 10-41, Washington..... Indy
3. N.J. Giants (0-2)..... 14-25, Arizona........... Houston
4. Indy (0-2)................ 27-30, Philadelphia.... Jacksonville
5. Oakland (0-2)......... 14-30, Houston........... Old England
6. Grampa Bay (0-2); 7. N.J. Jets (1-1); 8. Kansas City (0-2); 9. Dallas (1-1); 10. Seattle (1-1).
*Scores are approximations in some cases.

Rout of the week: Olde England over Oakland

Crummy Game of the week: Old Orleans vs. Minnehaha.

Waiter, there's a football in my soup! The New York Daily News says that a Philadelphia waiter has received bids on eBay of as much as $100,000 for his copy of a $61.56 meal receipt signed by customer (and Philadelphia running back) LeSean McCoy. Angered over what he called "rude and disrespectful" service, McCoy left a 20-cent tip.

 Speaking of great stats...: No. 5 Oakland has failed to recover 19 straight onsides kicks by Sebastian Janikowski. Could be a placekicker tryout here, too.

So long, Big Ten

By Steve Harvey

Bottom Ten Travel Editor

The Colleges

It was a weekend in which Big Ten teams lost to Northern Ill, Central Michigan and Virginia Tech_and barely squeezed by McNeese State and Western Kentucky.

A perfect example of futility was Purdon’t, which fell 17-38 to Central Michigan, a school that is so obscure no one knows what state it is in.

With Ohio State and Michigan State losing, the Big Ten pulled off the remarkable feat of eliminating itself from contention for the championship playoff_in the second week of the season.

Thus, it came as no particular surprise when the desperate Big Ten agreed to a merger with the Bottom Ten. The new conference will be known as the Big/Bottom Ten (BBT).

Elsewhere, the Rice Owls and the Florida Atlantic Owls found themselves in the same roost_tied for No. 2, just ahead of the gutty little SMUs (0-2).

No. 5 Tulane was clubbed, 21-38, by Georgia Tech, which had an up-and-down week. Tech was put on probation after admitting making 478 impermissible phone calls and sending at least 299 impermissible text messages to 140 prospects_both believed to be NCAA records.

Against Tulane, Tech could have mailed it in.

The rankled:

Team, Record.................... Last Loss.................. Next Loss

1. Reserved for Big Ten schools

2. (Tie) Fla Atlantic (0-2)... 0-41, Alabama.......... ..Tulsa

2. Rice (0-1).....................  Idle.............................. Texas A$M

4. SMU (0-2)..................... 6-43, N Texas............. Idle

5. Tulane (0-2)................ 21-38, Ga Tech ............SE Louisiana

6. Iowa State (0-2) ..........28-32, Kansas St......... Iowa

7. Miami (O.) (0-2).......... 10-17, E. Kentucky....... Michigan

8. Washington State (0-2)13-24, Nevada............. Portland St

9. New Mexico (0-2)....... 23-58, Ariz State.......... Idle

10. UCLA (2-0)* ...............Def. Memphis, 42-35....Texas

*Worst 2-0 team in nation.

Others receiving votes (in alphabetical order): Fresno State (0-2).

Rout of the Week: USC over BC (not the comic strip). Even if SC offense gets off to another slow start, coach Steve Sarkisian probably won’t have to summon AD Pat Haden from the press box and beg him to take over at quarterback, as he did last week against Stanford.

The Pros

Who’s more deserving of recognition:

Jacksonville, a team that gives up 34 straight points?

Washington, a team that snaps an opponent’s 14-game losing streak?

Dallas, a team that drew a huge, cheering crowd (mostly of red-clad 49ers fans)?

Or Oakland, a team so disrespected that, after its 19-14 loss to the Jets, winning coach Rex Ryan snarled: “It should have been a rat kill.” (Uh coach, they're the Oakland RAIDERS not the Oakland RODENTS.)

What the heck. Let’s give each of the above a share of the Bottom Ten lead.

Right behind them is Olde England, quarterbacked by Olde Tom, a 20-33 loser to Miami (Fla.). 

Meanwhile, Denver QB Peyton Manning knocked off the No. 10 Dolts, meaning he has now beaten all 32 of the original NFL franchises. The streak began in 1922 when Manning's Canton Bulldogs edged the Chicago Bears, 6-0.

Team, Record............. Last Loss.................. Next Loss

1. Jacksonville (0-1)...17-34, Philadelphia....Washington

1. Washington (0-1)..... 6-17, Houston..........Jacksonville

1. Dallas (0-1)............. 17-28, S.F................ Tennessee

1. Rodents (0-1) ...........14-19, Jets................Houston

5. Olde England (0-1).. 20-33, Miami (Fla.)... Minnehaha

6. St. Louis (0-1); 7. Grampa Bay (0-1); 8. N.J. Giants (0-1); 9. Baltimore (0-1);  10. Indianapolis (0-1).

Crummy Game of the Week: Jacksonville vs. Washington.

Rout of the Week: Seattle over San Diego.

No thanks! NY Times says new Bills owner Terry Pegula vows to keep team in Buffalo, easing fears that "a new owner would move the team out of the area, perhaps to Los Angeles."

Many fans in Los Angeles feared the very same thing!

Oh no! Bottom Ten Returns for 2014

The Bottom Ten

By Steve Harvey
Veteran Intern


The South Carolina fans flagged the team for a false start_to its season.

The not-so-Gamecocks staged the worst performance by a Top Ten team (No. 9) this year, falling 28-52, to Texas A$M, a 10-point underdog. That display vaulted South Carolina into the No. 1 spot in the Bottom Ten, which ranks the most inept teams in the country.

Wisconsin, the losingest team in America, pushed its 2014 record to 0-2 with a 24-28 loss to LSU. The Badgers previously lost, 24-34, in the Capital One Bowl on Jan. 1. (The Bottom Ten includes bowl results from the same year in its rankings).

 No. 4 Rice was cooked, 17-48, by Notre Dame in a game of 6-man football. (Notre Dame has lost so many players to an academic scandal that the Cheatin' Irish can no longer play 11-man football.)

Cal rolled to a 31-24 win over No. 5 Northwestern, whose defense was on strike for most of the game.

Elsewhere, No. 6 Colorado was downed 17-31 by Colorado State in the much-awaited traditional that marks the end of the season for the two schools. See you in 2015, Colorados!

One of the worst showings of opening day was by the UCLA Ruins, who scored only one touchdown on offense in a narrow 28-20 win over harmless Virginia, a 21-point underdog. The Ruins began the day ranked No. 7 (in the Top Ten, not the Bottom Ten!).

Meanwhile, No. 10 Fresno State sank, 13-52, against USC.

School, Record...............Last Loss......................Next Loss
1. S. Carolina (0-1)..........28-52, Texas A$M........E. Carolina
2. Wisconsin (0-2)...........24-28 LSU....................W. Ill
3. Clemson (0-1)..............21-45, Georgia..............S Carolina St
4. Rice (0-1).. ..................17-48, Notre Dame.......Healing
5. Northwestern (0-1).......24-31, Cal.....................On picket line
6. Colorado (0-1)..............17-31, Colo St...............Ole Mass
7. (Tie) William (0-1).........9-34, Virginia Tech.....Hampton
7. And Mary (Ditto)*................................................................
9. UCLA offense.............. 0 in 1st half..................Memphis
10. Fresno State (0-1)........ 13-52, USC...................Utah

*Last William & Mary joke of the season.

Crummy Game of the Week: S. Carolina vs. E. Carolina.

Rout of the Week: Florida State over Citadel.

Next Week: The Bottom Ten pros (including what's left of the San Francisco 49ers team).

Stumbling toward the finish line

By Steve Harvey,
Team Member,
Bottom Ten

Seemingly inept Green Bay was trailing Dallas, 3-26, when the second half of the game began last Sunday. Fox broadcaster Joe Buck said to partner Troy Aikman, "Do you want to throw the bouquet at the feet of (Dallas defensive coordinator) Monte Kiffin or should I?"

It was, perhaps, a world record for speaking too soon. On the next play, the Pack's Eddie Lacey ran for 60 yards. That was the beginning of the end for the Cowboys, who, incredibly, fell 36-37.

Thus, just when you thought the Bottom Ten had seen the last of Dallas, Jerry Jones' merry recruits were back at No. 8. They've given up 30 or more points seven times this year.

No. 1, of course, was Who?ston (2-12), a 3-25 loser to Indy. And who do the Texans play next? Only Denver (11-3).

No. 2 is Oakland, which seems to reach new depths with each game. Two weeks ago, the Raiders (4-10) clinched their 11th straight losing season. And last week, against Kansas City? The Raiders gave up the most points (56) in one game in their history. Well done, fellows.

Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss................ Next Loss
1. Houston (2-12)............ 3-25, Indy................ Denver
2. Oakland (4-10)........... 31-56, K.C............... San Diego
3. Jacksonville (4-10)..... 20-27, Buffalo.......... Tennessee
4. Washington (3-11)..... 26-27, Atlantis.......... Dallas
5. Cleveland (4-10)........ 31-38, Chicago..........N.J. Jets
6. Alantis (4-10); 7. N.J. Giants (5-9); 8. Dallas (7-7); 9. Buffalo (5-9); 10. N.J. Jets (6-8).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Cleveland (4-10) at Jets (6-8).

Rout of the Week: Denver (11-3) over Houston (2-12).

Surprise of the Week: The headline below:

 Study says Steelers fans are saddest in the NFL; Raiders fans are most unstable

Bowled Over

By Steve Harvey
Bottom Ten
Asset Protection

Bowls

One of the perennial debates in college football is: How would a team that finished fifth in one subdivision of the Big Ten fare against a team that finished fifth in the Big 12?

Good news, horrible bowl fanciers! At last you can get the answer when Michigan (7-5) meets Kansas State (7-5) in the prestigious Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl, which will be held in Tempe, not Buffalo, and is no longer called the Copper Bowl or the Insight.com Bowl, and denies that it was ever called the Poulan Weed-Eater Bowl.

Michigan has the most reverse momentum of any bowl team, rallying with four defeats in its last five games to knock itself out of Rose Bowl consideration.

Believe it or not, Michigan and Kansas State are not the losingest bowl teams.Whereas they combined for 10 losses, Washington State and Colorado State put together 12 defeats all together---not that that discouraged the New Mexico Bowl selection committee. BT selectors voted it the worst bowl of the year.

Another team on a cold streak is Duke, coming off a 7-45 loss to Florida State. The Blue Devils face Texas A$M (8-4) in the Chick-fil-A Bowl. The point spread and attendance are expected to be about 12.

Opponents, Records.............................................. Dud Bowl
1. Washington St (6-6) vs. Colorado St (7-6) ..........New Mexico
2. Michigan (7-5) vs. Kansas St (7-5)..................... Wings
3. Boise St (9-4) vs. Oregon St (6-6)....................... Hawaii
4. Buffalo (8-4) vs. San Diego St (7-5)................... Potato
5. Utah (8-5) vs. N Ill (12-1)................................... Poinsettia
6. Marshall (9-4) vs. Maryland (7-5) .......................Military
7. Pits (6-6) vs. Bowling Green (10-3).................... Pizza
8. E.Carolina (9-3) vs. Ohio (O.) (7-5).................... Beef
9. Syracuse (6-6) vs. Minnesota (9-4) .....................Texas
10. Duke (10-3) vs. Texas A$M (8-4).................... Chick-fil-A


Pros

You'd think an NFL team on an 11-game losing streak would be making a run-away of the Bottom Ten championship race.

But, no,  Who?ston (2-11) still has plenty of competition.

There's quarterback-less No. 2 Washington, which is 3-10 and could move up with an impressive stomping by No. 5 Atlantis (3-10). Quite a shock it was when Washington coach Mike Shanahan said he would handle the quarterbacking chores himself this week.

Then there's No. 3 Minnehaha  (3-9-1). Things are going so badly for the Vikes that a catering truck plowed into their plane after their loss to Baltimore, forcing the team to wait several hours in their locker room before a new plane could be found. Replays showed the catering truck was definitely offsides.

And let's not forgot to congratulate the 4-9 Raiders, who clinched a losing record for the 11th straight year with their 27-37 loss to the Jets.

Wreck, Records.......... Last Loss .................Next Loss

1. Who?ston (2-11)...... 20-27, Jacksonville.... Indianapolis
2. Washington (3-10)... 10-45, Kansas City.... Atlantis
3. Minnehaha (3-9-1)... 28-29, Baltimore........ Philadelphia
4. Pitts (5-8) .................28-34, Miami .............Cincinnati
5. Atlantis (3-10).......... 21-22, Green Bay...... Washington

6. Buffalo (4-9); 7. Cleveland (4-9); 8. (Tie) N.Y. Giants (5-8) and N.Y. Knicks (6-15); 10. Oakland (4-9).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Atlantis (3-10) vs. Washington (3-10).

Oh, Miami (O.)! All Hail the 2013 Bottom Ten Champs

       
S
           Bottom Ten TV Network Debuts!

By Steve Harvey
Content Server

Colleges

Miami of Ohio (0-12), using its famous prevent offense, averaged 9.7 points per game this season to capture the mythical Bottom Ten title.

Possibly mythical Georgia State (0-12), a school that no one has ever heard of, finished second, pending an investigation of its existence by BT officials.

Third place went to Florida, which did win in the category of  "Most Disappointing Team of 2013."  The snaggle-toothed Gators, ranked No. 10 in AP's Top Ten pre-season poll, crossed over to the Bottom Ten in mid-season, losing their last seven games.

No. 4 UAB (2-10) lost 27-62, to No. 5 So Miss (1-11), which saw its hopes for a winless season float away down the Mighty Southern Mississip. That was the closest thing to a Bottom Ten Bowl this year. Sorry, football fans.


Wreck, Record.............. Last Loss.................. Bowl Bid?
1. Miami (Oh!) (0-12)..... 14-65  Ball St............  .None
2. Florida (4-8)................. 7-37, Fla St...............Nope
3. Georgia State (0-12) ...17-38, So Alabama....  Naw
4. UAB (2-10)................ 27-62, So Miss........... Nyet
5. So Miss (1-11)............ Def. UAB, 62-27......  .You kidding?
6. FIU (1-11)................... 6-21, Fla Atlantic........Uh uh
7. Idaho (1-11)............... 16-24, New Mex St..... Come on
8. Ole Mass (1-11)......... 23-51, Ohio (O.) ..........Get real
9. W. Mich (1-11).......... 14-33, N Ill................... Huh?
10. Low Cal (1-11).........13-63, Stanford.............Not Hardly
11. Hawaii (1-11); 12. Purdon't (1-11); 13. UTEP (2-10); 14. Tulsa (3-9); 15. New Mexico St (2-10); 16. E Mich (2-10); 17. Idle; 18. Kentucky (2-10); 19. Arkansas (3-9); 20. Virginia (2-10).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Closed for season.

Pros

Some Texas political figures have recommended that the state secede from the union. A growing number of folks down there, however, are saying that the state of Texas can remain but the Houston Texans football team must leave.

Once 2-0, the Texans rolled to their 11th straight loss, falling short against No. 8 Jacksonville (4-9), of all teams.

What a topsy turvy race it's been in the Bottom Ten. There was a time when the Jaguars and New York Giants were 0-6 and Tampa-at-Bay was 0-5. Now, those three have 12 wins among themselves, virtually bidding sayonara to their championship hopes.

Tampa still has a chance if it can find a way to lose to No. 3 Buffalo (4-8).

The Bills crumpled, 31-34, to Atlantis, in overtime in a game played in Toronto. Why was Buffalo happy when the game went into overtime? Well, who'd be in a hurry to return home to Buffalo?


Wreck, Record               Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. Houston (2-11).............20-27, Jacksonville....Idle
2. Washington (3-9)..........17-24, N.J. Giants.....Kansas City
3. Buffalo (4-8).................31-34, Atlantis...........Tampa-at-Bay
4. N.J. Jets (5-7)..................3-23, Miami (Fla.)...Oakland
5. Tampa-at-Bay (3-9)........6-27, Carolina..........Buffalo
6. Oakland (4-8) 7. Green Bay (5-6-1); 8. Jacksonville (4-9); 9. Atlanta (3-9); 10. Cleveland (4-8).

Crummy Games of the Weak: East regional: Oakland (4-8) at N.J. Jets (5-7); South regional: Buffalo (4-8) at Tampa-at-Bay (3-9).