Plumbing the depths

By Steve Harvey

Updated every 3.2 seconds

(And welcome to the column all you NBA fans with nothing better to do!)

Colleges

Howard Schnellenberger has a chance to become the first coach ever to win a national championship as well as the Bottom Ten title.

Schnellenberger, whose 1983 Miami (Fla.) team won it all, is now the coach of Florida Atlantic, which is a university, not an airline, and has a chance to lose it all. FA, 0-9, seized sole possession of No. 1 after the unlikely triumph of former co-leader New Mexico over UNLV.

(New Mexico (1-9), as Bottom Ten rules mandate, was suspended from the rankings for one week after the victory).

Staying on top won't be easy for FA, which still needs to lose to Troy (2-7), Alabama (Birmingham) (2-8) and Louisiana-Monroe (3-7) in order to have its name inscribed on the plaque at the Bottom Ten Hall of Fame, currently located in the back of a van in Venice, Calif.

Another big gainer in the rankings was No. 3 Tulane (2-9), which fell to Houston, 17-73. Still, the Green Wave did briefly excite fans by scoring in the fourth quarter to narrow the margin to 17-59, thus making it just a 6-possession game.

Wreck, Record................ Last Loss.......................... Next Loss

1. Florida Atlantic (0-9)........ 7-41, Florida International.... Troy

2. UNLV (2-7) ........................14-21, New Mexico................... Air Force

3. Tulane (2-9)...................... 17-73, Houston .........................Rice

4. Akron (1-9).......................... 3-35, Kent State......................Buffalo

5. Memphis (2-8).................. 35-41, Alabama (Birm.) ..........Marshall

6. Indiana (1-9)...................... 20-34, Ohio State.....................Michigan State

7. Buffalo (2-8)...................... 17-30, Eastern Michigan ........Akron

8. Idaho (2-8) ..........................7-42, BYU.................................Utah State

9. Maryland (2-8)................. 21-45, Notre Dame.................. Wake Forest

10. Oh, Miss? (2-8) .................7-21, Louisiana Tech..............LSU

11. Alabama (Birm). (2-8); 12. Arizona (2-8); 13. Oregon State (2-8); 14. Colorado (2-9); 15. B.C. (2-8); 16. Duke (3-7); 17. Kentucky (4-6); 18. Tennessee (4-6); 19. Attending NBA opener; 20. Tie between William & Mary (4-6).

Rout of the Weak: LSU (10-0) at Oh, Miss? (2-8).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Florida Atlantic (0-9) at Troy (2-5) (the Troy in Alabama, not the one in Southern California).

The Pros

It was another low for the Dolts.

Indianapolis and Jacksonville were tied 3-3 Sunday but CBS didn't share any details with viewers on its early halftime show. ``No highlights here," NFL Today anchor James Brown snapped, quickly switching away to another game after giving the score.

But the Dolts did, of course, qualify for the Bottom Ten's lowlights show!

The 0-10 Dolts lost, 3-17, and are the only team with less than two wins in the NFL. They seem a shoe-in to get first choice in the draft but what happens if they take Andrew Luck and Luck can't find the team?

Don't forget this is the franchise that packed up its stuff in 15 Mayflower trucks when things got rough in 1984 and sneaked out of Baltimore, stopping in Indianapolis reportedly because they ran out of gas.

Cleveland, meanwhile, moved up to No. 4 with a 12-13 loss to St. Louis as the Browns' Phil Dawson botched a 22-yard field goal attempt. Dawson's miss occurred because center Ryan Pontbriand's snap bounced off the foot of a teammate lined next to him. His snap, in other words, was off to the left.

Wreck, Record.......... Last Loss............... Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-10)...... 3-17, Jacksonville...... Idle

2. Washington (3-6)........ 9-20, Miami............... Dallas

3. Philadelphia (3-6)....... 17-21, Arizona............ N.J. Giants

4. Cleveland (3-6)............ 12-13, St. Louis.......... Jacksonville

5. Carolina (2-7)................ 3-30, Tennessee....... Detroit

6. Minnehaha (2-7); 7. St. Louis (3-6); 8. San Diego (4-5); 9. DeSean Jackson's alarm clock; 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow (1-4).

Worst Imitation of a Football Player: As Tennessee's Marc Mariani was seen returning a punt 79 yards for a touchdown against Carolina, CBS' James Brown said of kicker Jason Baker's half-hearted attempt to bring down Mariani: ``At least give us a break. Try to make the tackle."

Quotebook: Regarding the contract gripes of Philadephia WR DeSean Jackson, one fan wrote to Yahoo (his spelling and grammar was left intact): ``why did he sign such a worthless contract. he is a educated man or is he? this reminds me of Revis, mr you signed a contract live up to it all you people out there who say give him the money would you say that ifn you owned philly?" (Perhaps ifn I owned a small part of the team.)

A Fox Warts Production

By Steve Harvey

Colleges

Lost Lobos of New Mexico (0-9) will really have to be off their game Saturday to retain a share of the Bottom Ten lead. After all, they play the nearly-as-inept Droolin' Rebels of Nevada Las Vegas (2-6) in the Crummy Game of the Year (tickets still available).

Lost Lobos are feeling the pressure from co-leader Florida Atlantic (0-8), which shows no sign of ever winning a game.

And, then there's No. 3 Alabama (Birmingham) (1-8) (sorry for all the parentheses) (it won't happen again). The Blazers poured it on themselves last week in a 13-56 drubbing by Houston.

It was a bad week for the state of Alabama, with the Crimson Tide falling to LSU, 6-9, in what some called The Game of the Century. Judging from the offensive output, those analysts apparently meant the 19th century.

Next up, Birmingham battles No. 13 Memphis (2-7) in a game known as the ``Battle for the Bones," with a gold-colored, rack-of-ribs trophy going to the winner. The matchup, according to one web site, recognizes the "renowned barbecue history" of each city.

If the game recognized the football history of each city, it might be called ``Battle for the Table Scraps."

Wreck, Record..............Last Loss...................Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-9)........... 7-35, San Diego State.... UNLV

1. Florida Atlantic (0-8)... 21-39, Arkansas State.... Florida International

3. Alabama (Birm.) (1-8).. 13-56, Houston................ Memphis

4. Colorado (1-9)................ 17-42, USC .......................Arizona

5. Akron (1-8)...................... 3-35, Miami (O)..............Kent State

6. Indiana (1-9).................. 20-34, Ohio State............ Michigan State

7. Maryland (2-7).............. 13-31, Virginia.................. Notre Dame

8. Kansas (2-7)................... 10-13, Iowa State............. Baylor

9. UNLV (2-6).................... 21-48, Boise State............ New Mexico

10. B.C. (2-7)....................... 7-38, Florida State..........North Carolina State

11. Buffalo (2-7); 12. Arizona (2-7); 13. Memphis (2-7); 14. Ole Ole Miss (2-7); 15. Minnesota (2-7); 16. Oregon State (2-7); 17. Idaho (2-7); 18 Washington State (3-6); 19. Censored; 20. Purdon't (4-5).

Crummy Game of the Year, if not Decade: UNLV (2-6) at New Mexico (0-9).

Rout of the Weak: Wisconsin (7-2) over Minnesota (2-7).

The Pros

Miami (Fla.) hasn't been able to do anything right this year so it figure that the Dolphins would go out and win a game, thereby threatening their chances of getting Stanford's Andrew Luck in the draft.

And Miami won without cornerback Vontae Davis, who was suspended for one game after reportedly showing up for practice with alcohol on his breath. (Maybe he mistakenly thought he was supposed to study Bloody Marys, not Hail Marys.)

The Dolphins' victory left Indianapolis (0-9) as the only winless team in the NFL. The Dolts just seem unstartable. Of course, wouldn't it be interesting if Indy got the first pick and Luck pulled a John Elway---that is, refused to sign with the Dolts, as John Elway did in 1983? Elway was eventually traded to Denver.

Elsewhere, the No. 3 Philadelphia Eagles blew a 4th quarter lead for the fourth time this season, which makes you wonder. When they were buying marquee players in the offseason, why didn't they acquire Mariano Rivera as a closer?

And, welcome back, No. 8 San Diego, which rejoined the Bottom Ten on the wings of three interceptions by Philip Rivers for Norv Turnover's team.

Wreck, Record..........Last Loss......................Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-9)...... 7-31, Atlanta....................... Jacksonville

2. Seattle (2-6)............. .13-23, Dallas........................ Baltimore

3. Philadelphia (3-5)..... 24-30, Chicago.................... Arizona

4. St. Louis (1-7)............ 13-19, Arizona .....................Cleveland

5. Miami (Fla.) (1-7)..... Def. Kansas City, 31-3........ Washington

6. Jacksonville (2-6); 7. Washington (3-5); 8. San Diego (4-4); 9. Oakland (4-4) 10. NFL teams vs. Tebow this year (1-2).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Jacksonville (2-6) at Indianapolis (0-9).

Fantasy Flop of the Week: New England WR Chad Ochocinco, vs. N.J. Giants: no catches for no yards and no touchdowns.

Thought for the Day: Blogger/commentator Norman Chad says, "Frankly, the only sideline reporters I respect are those at the Running of the Bulls."

Under Old Management!

By Steve Harvey

(No returns or exchanges without receipt)

The Colleges

Halloween horrors came two days early for No. 1 New Mexico (0-8). Lost Lobos fell to Air Force, 0-42, while co-leader Florida Atlantic (0-7), like a child too young to go out on trick-or-treat night, was given a bye.

As for New Mexico, ``if the Lobos don't win their next game, the Land of Enchantment officially becomes the Land of Stultifying Loss after Stultifying Loss," wrote Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald.

Meanwhile, football fans were excited about reports that the Big East Conference would add Boise State (for football only) and UCLA (for marching band only).

Wreck, Record............. Last Loss................... Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-8)........... 0-42, Air Force............... San Diego State

1. Florida Atlantic (0-7)..... Idle................................... Arkansas State

3. Indiana (1-8).................... 38-59, Northwestern.... Ohio State

4. Idaho (1-7)........................ 14-16, Hawaii................. San Jose State

5. Colorado (1-8)................. 14-48, Arizona State..... USC

6. Alabama (Birm.) (1-7).... 14-59, Marshall.............. Houston

7. Rice (2-6) .........................34-73, Houston.............. UTEP

8. Two-Lane (2-7) ...............13-34, East Carolina..... The SMUs

9. Maryland (2-6)................ 17-28, BC ........................Virginia

10. Memphis (2-7)............... 0-41, Central Florida... Alabama (Birm.) (Nov. 12)

11. Buffalo (2-7); 12. Oregon State (2-6); 13. North Texas (3-6); 14. B.C. (2-6); 15. UNLV (2-5); 16. Akron (1-7); 17. Utah State (2-5); 18 Minnesota (2-6); 19. Your Name Here; 20. Miami (O.) (2-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Akron (1-7) at Miami (O.) (2-6).

Rout of the Week: Houston (8-0) at Alabama (Birmingham) (1-7).

Quotebook: Actor Tim Allen, as the dad on the sitcom, ``Last Man Standing": ``College is important. Without college there'd be no college football."

Feel the electricity: After Missoula police had to use tasers on two University of Montana players to break up a party, Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times reported the two were classified as ``day to day with a stinger."

The Pros

The Dallas Cows (3-4) rose to No. 5 with a 7-34 loss to Philadelphia, which did virtually everything right except for the play on which center Jason Kelce thought QB Michael Vick was taking a direct snap. Kelce hiked the ball up his own butt.

Vick, who was in shotgun formation, recovered the fumble but, as NBC broadcaster Chris Collinsworth, put it, this was a hike to file ``under the embarrassing category."

In another anatomical matter, Minnehaha defensive end Brian Robison was fined $20,000 for kicking Green Bay guard T.J. Lang in the groin during the previous week's game. Robison insisted he did not ``maliciously aim for genitalia," but would not say whether his errant kick was off to the left or to the right.

With the St. Louis Lambs' win over New Orleans (welcome back, Aints!), the ranks of the unwon dwindled to two: No. 1 Indianapolis (0-8) and No. 2 Miami (Fla.) (0-7).

The Dolts stayed on top despite the admission by Miami's Reggie Bush after a recent loss to Denver that ``right now the team stinks."

The No. 7 Buncos, with the Bad Tebow at quarterback, rebounded from that triumph to lose to Detroit 45-10. The Detroit Free Press pointed out that the NFL's website had billed the game as "Good vs. Evil." Afterward, Ndamukong Suh, the heavily-fined Detroit tackle, exulted: "Evil prevails."

Wreck, Record............ Last Loss............. Next Loss

1. Indianapolis (0-8)......... 10-27, Tennessee..... Atlanta

2. Miami (0-7)................... 17-20, N. J. Giants... Kansas City

3. Seattle (2-5).................. 12-34, Cincinnati...... Dallas

4. Arizona (1-6) .................27-30, Baltimore..... .St. Louis

5. Dallas (3-4)................... 7-34, Philadelphia.... Seattle

6. St. Louis (1-6); 7. Denver (2-5); 8. Washington (3-4); 9. Jacksonville (2-6); 10. San Diego (4-3).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Dallas (3-4) vs. Seattle (2-5).

Fantasy Flop of the Week (if not the year): Tennessee running back Chris Johnson, 14 carries, 34 yards, no TDs. (Johnson, who is averaging 2.8 yards per carry, has been held to 34 or fewer yards four times this season.)

Pre-Halloween Horror Show

By Steve Harvey

Enforced 24 hours, 7 days a week

The Colleges

The most bizarre event of the season involved the streaker who ran on to the field disguised as a ref just before halftime of the game between Arizona and No. 10 UCLA. ESPN.com reported that impersonation charges would be filed, leading one reader to ask: Against "the streaker or the Bruins?"

It was a good question. Were those real UCLA players who trailed a 1-5 team, 7-42, at halftime? Perhaps the Bruins should be ordered to carry ID's with them when they're on the field.

Fox Sports radio host Ben Maller, referring to the fact that the NFL team with the worst record will have an opportunity to sign Stanford QB Andrew Luck, wrote: "Someone needs to tell UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel that the Bruins aren't allowed to take part in the NFL's 'Suck for Luck' campaign."

In other legal matters, LSU had three players suspended for smoking synthetic marijuana, prompting Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel to comment: ``At least in Florida our college players smoke the real thing. Question: When you smoke synthetic marijuana, do you get the mock munchies and have a craving for phony baloney?"

Synthetic refs and weed. What a year.

Wreck, Record............. Last Week ............................Next Week

1. Florida Atlantic (0-7)...14-38, Middle Tennessee................Resting

1. New Mexico (0-7).......... 0-69, TCU........................................Air Force

3. UNLV (1-5)..................... 14-41, Wyoming .............................Colorado State

4. Indiana (1-7).................. 24-45, Iowa......................................Northwestern

5. Idaho (1-6)..................... 24-31, New Mexico State.............. Hawaii

6. Minnesota (1-6)............ 14-41, Nebraska.............................. Iowa

7. Colorado (1-7)..................2-45, Oregon..................................Arizona State*

8. B.C. (1-6)........................ 14-30 Virginia Tech........................Maryland

9. Miami (O.) (2-5)........... 28-49, Toledo................................. Buffalo

10. UCLA (3-4).................. 12-48, Arizona................................ Cal

*Inadvertent italics; please ignore.

11. Akron (1-6); 12. Two Lane (2-6) ; 13. Northwestern (2-5); 14. Maryland (2-5); 15. Kansas (2-5); 16. Utah State (2-5); 17. Buffalo (2-6); 18. Memphis (2-6); 19. Censored; 20. Tennessee (3-4).

Crummy Games of the Weak: B.C. (1-6) at Maryland (2-5); Northwestern (2-5) at Indiana (1-7); Buffalo (2-6) at Miami (O.) (2-5).

Rout of the Weak: Arizona State (5-2) over Colorado (1-7).

The Pros

It was this bad: New Orleans QB Drew Brees threw more touchdown passes (5) than incompletions (4) against Indianapolis. Obviously the No. 1 Dolts really need Peyton Manning back at linebacker or cornerback or wherever he played when their defense was so much better.

No. 2 Miasma, meanwhile, continued its losing ways, becoming the first team since the NFL-AFL merger in 1970 to blow a 15-point in the last three minutes. The Dolphins rallied to lose to Denver, 15-18, after the Good Tebow replaced the Bad Tebow in the fourth quarter.

One odd footnote to the game concerning Denver's former starting quarterback was noted byprofootballtalk.com in this tweet: "Kyle Orton earns his $529,000 game check by calling the toss to start overtime. And getting it wrong."

Exiting the Bottom Ten was Jacksonville (2-5), which edged inoffensive Baltimore, 12-7. The game was noteworthy in that the Ravens' Sam Koch was asked to punt nine times. (He said yes each time). As long as he stays with Baltimore, Koch never has to worry about coming down with a case of restless legs syndrome.

Wreck, Record Last Week Next Week

1. Indianapolis (0-7).....7-62, New Orleans... Tennessee

2. Miami (Fla.) (0-6).....15-18, Tebow............. N.J. Giants

3. St. Louis (0-6)...........7-34, Dallas.............. New Orleans

4. Arizona (1-5).......... 20-32, Pitts................. Baltimore

5. Minnehaha (1-6).... 27-33, Bay (Green).....Carolina

6. Seattle (2-4); 7. Washington (3-3); 8. Denver (2-4); 9. Philadelphia (2-4); 10. Terrell Owens' workout for NFL teams (zero attendees).

Rout of the Weak: Detroit over Denver (if the Bad Tebow plays).

Rout of the Weak: Denver over Detroit (if the Good Tebow plays).

Celebrating lousy football for 45 years!

Sending...

By Steve Harvey (first-time caller, long-time fan)

Colleges

It was the moment Bottom Ten fans had been waiting for: the release of the first BCS (Bowl Chump Series) rankings.

Yes, the first indication of who will play for the Bottom Ten championship at a site to be determined later_possibly Flushing Meadows, N.Y., or the living room of the former Aaron Spelling mansion in Bel Air. The Comedy Channel is expected to win broadcast rights.

Leading the BCS pack were Lost Lobos of New Mexico (0-6) and Florida Atlantic, which has made quite a splash with its 0-6 record.

Both schools have major tests ahead, however. New Mexico must find a way to lose to UNLV (1-5)_no easy task_on Nov. 12. And Florida Atlantic may be unable to avoid victory over Middle Tennessee (1-4) on Saturday.

By the way, if Florida Atlantic's football efforts seem comedic, it may be because the team learned something from its most famous alumnus, Scott Thompson, better known as Carrot Top.

Wreck, Record................. Last Loss..................... Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-6)................ 7-49, Nevada...................... TCU

2. Florida Atlantic (0-6)......... 0-20, Western Kentucky.. Middle Tenn

3. Arizona (1-5)......................... Idle...................................... UCLA

4. Colorado (1-6)...................... 24-52, Washington............ Oregon

5. B.C. (1-5)................................ Idle .......................................Va Tech

6. Akron (1-5)........................... Idle....................................... Ohio (Ohio)

7. La Verne & Shirley (1-4).... 17-52, Cal Lutheran............ Chapman

8. Middle-Aged Miss (2-4)..... 7-52, Alabama.................... Arkansas

9. UNLV (1-5)............................14-41, Wyoming................. Colorado State

10. Indiana (1-6).........................7-59, Wisconsin................ Northwestern.

11. Oregon State (1-5); 12. Kansas (2-4); 13. Kentucky (2-4); 14. Buffalo (2-5); 15. Memphis (1-6); 16. Idaho (1-6); 17. Miami (Fla.) (3-3); 18. Northwestern (2-4); 19. This space for rent; 20. The Pitts (3-4).

Crummy Game of the Weak: UCLA (3-3) at Arizona (1-5).

Rout of the Week: Oregon (5-1) all over Colorado (1-6),

No audible call here: Michigan football fan Johnny Wakefield paid $150 to rent an empty Ohio Stadium for an hour to propose marriage to Ohio State fan Abbey Zellers on the 50-yard line. "She said yes," reported Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, "though her commitment isn't binding until letter-of-intent day."

The Pros

How bad are the St. Louis Lambs this year? When Green Bay drubbed them 24-3 Sunday, Packer quarterback Aaron Rodgers said afterward that he had a "feeling of minor disappointment." That's right_the Lambs are so bad this year that when you whip them by just 21 points you feel like you've had an off-day.

Lambs running back Steven Jackson, meanwhile, said, ``For whatever reason, we get into the red zone, we keep shooting ourselves in the foot." Luckily, that wasn't how QB Sam Bradford suffered his ankle injury.

Meanwhile, Miami Herald columnist Greg Cote quizzed fans on his blog on whether the No. 2 Dolphins (0-5) should throw in the towel for the year. Just under 70% said the Dolphins should keep up the losing so they can draft Stanford's Andrew Luck.

This is known as "the Suck for Luck" movement. It's too soon to tell if it will lead to sit-ins around the nation in quarterback-deprived cities.

As for the No. 6 Philadelphia Dream-Teamers, they've gone from bad to merely mediocre. The DT's edged Washington, 20-13, in a game in which 'Skinned QB Rex Grossman threw four interceptions and showed why the Washington Post's Mike Wise says he has multiple personalities: ``Good Rex, Bad Rex and Train Rex."

Wreck, Record.............Last Loss.............. Next Loss

1. St. Louis (0-5)..................3-24, Bay (Green)..... Dallas

2. Miami (0-5).....................6-24, N.J. Jets............ Denver

3. Indianapolis (0-6).........17-27, Cincinnati......... New Orleans

4. Jacksonville (1-5)..........13-17, Pitts................... Baltimore

5. Dallas (2-3)....................16-20, New England.... St. Louis

6. Philadelphia (2-4); 7. Minnehaha (1-5); 8. Carolina (1-5); 9. Arizona (1-4); 10. Tie between Harbaugh (0-0-1) and Schwartz (0-0-1).

Crummy Game of the Weak: St. Louis (0-5) vs. Dallas (2-3).

Fantasy Flops: Jacksonville QB Blaine Gabbert (12 of 26 for 109 yards, 1 TD), Washington QB Rex Grossman (9 of 22 for 143 yards, 4 interceptions, no TDs), Houston RB Arian Foster (15 carries, 49 yards no TDs).

Turned off: The NFL requires offensive linemen to wear microphones to "enhance" broadcasts. The other day, Baltimore center Matt Birk was fined $5,000 for tearing off his mic after it came loose. Call it the silence of the Ravens.

Still sending...

Soon to be a major motion picture---``Crummyball"!

By Steve Harvey

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Colleges

For New Mexico, the 2011 season has been a lose-lose-lose-lose-lose proposition.

Lost Lobos' (0-5) remarkable consistency enabled them to take over No. 1 in the Bottom Ten this week even though they had a bye.

They replaced Oregon State (1-4), which said bye bye to the top spot following a shocking victory over the Arizona Mildcats (1-5).

Meanwhile, Kentucky climbed to No. 10 with an impressive 3-54 loss to South Carolina while No 14. Villanova (1-5) and No. 18 Northwestern (2-3) also recorded setbacks. Those three schools share the same nickname with Arizona, which explains all the talk about realigning them into a Mildcat Conference.

Coming up fast on the outside are the Jayshocked (2-3) of Kansas, who are giving up 49.4 points and 566 yards per game. Kansas, which reached new depths with a 28-70 loss to Oklahoma State on Saturday, should be able to reach the magical 50 points-allowed-per-game average Saturday when the team is fed to Oklahoma in one of two featured Routs of the Weak.

Poll experts pointed out that the two wins by the Jayshocked, coming early in the season, may be ignored by the voters later in the year when it comes time to pick a Bottom Ten champ.

And a tip of the helmet to No. 8 Florida State (2-3), a 10-game winner last year, which has been named most disappointing team of 2011 by Yahoo Sports.

Wreck, Record....... Last Lost Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-5).... Idle........................................... Nevada

2. Arizona (1-5)............ 27-37, Oregon State................ UCLA

3. Colorado (1-5)........... 7-48, Stanford..................... ...Washington

4. B.C. (1-5).................. 14-36, Clemson......................... Va Tech

5. Akron (1-5).............. 17-27, Florida International... Ohio (Ohio)

6. Kansas (2-3)............ 28-70, Oklahoma State........... Oklahoma

7. Indiana (1-5)............ 20-41, Ill.................................... Wisconsin

8. Florida State (2-3)..30-35, Wake Forest*............... Duke

9. UNLV (1-4)................ 0-37, Nevada.......................... Wyoming

10. Kentucky (2-4)........ 3-54, South Carolina.............. Jackson State

*This score is not a typographical error.

11. Miami (Fla.) (2-3); 12. Memphis (1-5); 13. Idaho (1-5); 14. Villanova (1-5); 15. Oregon State (1-4); 16. New Mexico State (2-3); 17. Other Miami (1-4); 18. Northwestern (2-3); 19. Campaigning in Iowa; 20. Ohio State (3-3).

Rout of the Weak (Tie) : Oklahoma (5-0) at Kansas (2-3); Indiana (1-5) at Wisconsin (5-0).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Nevada (2-3) at New Mexico (0-5).

The Pros

Minnehaha had blown leads in four straight games but even the Vikes couldn't fritter away a 28-0 lead.

They held on for a 34-10 win over 1-4 Arizona, not to be confused with the 1-5 University of Arizona, to exit the top spot in the Bottom Ten.

Minnehaha was replaced by the Philadelphia Nightmares (1-4) , whose 2011 season is over. Now they can only dream about getting a decent quarterback in next year's draft.

No. 3 Indianapolis stayed winless with a 24-28 loss to the Kansas City Chefs. Oddly enough the Chefs' winning touchdown drive was aided by a horse-collaring penalty against Indy's linebacker Philip Wheeler. How can horse-collaring penalty be called against a Colt?

Wreck, Record...................... Last Lost..............Next Loss

1. Philadelphia (1-4)....................... 24-31, Buffalo.......... Washington

2. St. Louis (0-4)............................ Idle............................. Green Bay

3. Miami (Fla.) (0-4)..................... Even Idler.................. N.J. Jets

4. Indianapolis (0-5)..................... 24-28, Kansas City... Cincinnati

5. Jacksonville (1-4) ......................20-30, Cincinnati...... The Pitts

6. Carolina (1-4); 7. Arizona (1-4); 8. Grampa Bay (3-2); 9. Denver (1-4); 10. (Tie) Yankees, Red Sox, Phillies (seasons over).

Dishonorable Mention: Philadelphia is dominating in some departments. Receiver DeSean Jackson, for example, is tied for third in most passes dropped this year with 3, trailing only Roddy White of Atlanta (6), Michael Crabtree of San Francisco (4).

Fantasy Flops: Tennessee RB Chris Johnson (51 yards in 14 carries); Denver QB Kyle Orton (6 of 13 passes for 34 yards, one interception); Grampa Bay QB Josh Freeman (17 of 33 passes for 187 yards, 2 interceptions, no TD passes).

Unclear on the concept: Against the Colts, Chefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe was penalized for delay of the game after spiking the ball following a 9-yard gain. Broadcaster Mark Malone pointed out that the real delay was caused by the officials, who stopped the game, conferred, then made the announcement to the spectators. As for Bowe's crime, Malone asked: ``Is there only one ball?"

The ghost of Al? : Replays show that when Oakland intercepted a Matt Schaub pass on the last play of the game to save a 25-20 win, the Raiders only had 10 players on the field. Or was Al Davis the 11th man? Don't count out Al, yet.

The Bottom Ten, a division of Bottom Ten International

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The Colleges

The Meager Beavers of Oregon State (0-4) constructed a small lead in the Bottom Ten but now comes their biggest test_the streaking Arizona Mildcats (1-4), who have chalked up four straight defeats.

This is an early-season crucial for each team, a must-lose game, a die-or-die situation. They don't get much smaller than this.

It's a tough one to call. The Mildcats scored 41 points last week but look who they did it against_ USC's push-over defense. The Beavers once scored 28---against Sacramento State (while allowing 29).

Meanwhile, the Ohio State checked in at No. 18 with a miserable offensive performance in a 7-10 loss to Michigan State. But there's a "silver lining" to Ohio State's mishaps, pointed out Janice Hough on LeftCoastSportsBabe.com: "This year, the Buckeyes won't have any big-time bowl memorabilia to sell."

Wreck, Record................. Last Loss.......................... Next Loss

1. Oregon State (0-4)............... 20-35, Arizona State.............. Arizona

2. New Mexico (0-5)................ 28-42, New Mexico State...... Nevada

3. Indiana (1-4)........................ 10-16, Penn State .....................Ill

4. Western Kentucky (0-4).... 22-26, Ark. State..................... Middle Tenn

5. Memphis (1-4)..................... 31-38, Middle Tenn................ Rice

6. Colorado (1-4)..................... 27-31, Washington State........ Stanford

7. Minnesota (1-4).................... 0-58, Michigan....................... Purdue

8. Arizona (1-4)........................41-48, USC ...............................Oregon State

9. Alabama (Birm.) (0-4)...... 23-24, Troy ..............................Mississippi State

10. UNLV (1-3) .......................16-41, Southern Utah ..............Nevada

11. Akron (1-4); 12. Buffalo (1-4); 13. Nevada (1-3); 14 B.C. (1-4); 15. Idaho (1-4); 16. Eat Carolina (1-3); 17. Minute Rice (1-3); 18. Ohio State (3-2); 19. Out of the country; 20. Texas at El Wobbly Paso (2-3).

Not-so-instant replay: A review of one play during the Hawaii-Louisiana Tech game took 22 minutes, believed to be an NCAA record. The issue was whether a play from scrimmage was canceled by a time out. (I can't be more specific---no one involved could remember the details once they made a ruling.)

The Pros

The Kansas City Chefs trailed Minnehaha 7-3 early Sunday. The Chefs knew they had the Vikings right where they wanted them inasmuch as Minnehaha blows a lead every week. In their first three games of the season, the Vikes led San Diego 17-7, Tampa Bay 17-0 and Detroit 20-0, losing each time.

Sure enough, the Vikes (0-4) eventually fell as well to the previously winless Chefs, 17-22.

But now Minnehaha has another tough test_a game against a team with just one victory_Arizona. Can the Vikes go ahead and blow another one?

Sure they can, especially when they know they have to keep up the losing to stay ahead of the No. 2 Philadelphia Dream Teamers. The DT's (1-3) fell to powerful San Francisco, 23-24.

Still in contention are the St. Louis Lambs (0-4) and Miasma Dolphins (0-4), both heavy underdogs against Idle this week. The Lambs have drawn attention with their unusual hurry-up defense, which allows opponents to hurry up and score.

Wreck, Record....... Last Loss.................. Next Loss

1. Minnehaha (0-4)..... 17-22, Kansas City......... Arizona

2. Philadelphia (1-3)... 23-24, San Francisco.... Buffalo

3. St. Louis (0-4)......... 10-17, Washington........ Idle

4. Miasma (0-4)............16-26, L.A./San Diego.. Idle

5. Indianapolis (0-4)... 17-24, Grampa Bay....... Kansas City

6. Jacksonville (1-3); 7. Denver (1-3); 8. Kansas City (1-3); 9. Arizona (1-3); 10. Brett Favre (for saying in a radio interview that he's surprised that successor Aaron Rodgers didn't win a Super Bowl "sooner" since the "talent" on the current Packers is "even better than when I was there").

Crummy Games of the Week: Arizona (1-3) at Minnehaha (0-4).

Rout of the Week: Buffalo (3-1) over Dream-Teamers (1-3).

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