Celebrating lousy football for 45 years!

Sending...

By Steve Harvey (first-time caller, long-time fan)

Colleges

It was the moment Bottom Ten fans had been waiting for: the release of the first BCS (Bowl Chump Series) rankings.

Yes, the first indication of who will play for the Bottom Ten championship at a site to be determined later_possibly Flushing Meadows, N.Y., or the living room of the former Aaron Spelling mansion in Bel Air. The Comedy Channel is expected to win broadcast rights.

Leading the BCS pack were Lost Lobos of New Mexico (0-6) and Florida Atlantic, which has made quite a splash with its 0-6 record.

Both schools have major tests ahead, however. New Mexico must find a way to lose to UNLV (1-5)_no easy task_on Nov. 12. And Florida Atlantic may be unable to avoid victory over Middle Tennessee (1-4) on Saturday.

By the way, if Florida Atlantic's football efforts seem comedic, it may be because the team learned something from its most famous alumnus, Scott Thompson, better known as Carrot Top.

Wreck, Record................. Last Loss..................... Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-6)................ 7-49, Nevada...................... TCU

2. Florida Atlantic (0-6)......... 0-20, Western Kentucky.. Middle Tenn

3. Arizona (1-5)......................... Idle...................................... UCLA

4. Colorado (1-6)...................... 24-52, Washington............ Oregon

5. B.C. (1-5)................................ Idle .......................................Va Tech

6. Akron (1-5)........................... Idle....................................... Ohio (Ohio)

7. La Verne & Shirley (1-4).... 17-52, Cal Lutheran............ Chapman

8. Middle-Aged Miss (2-4)..... 7-52, Alabama.................... Arkansas

9. UNLV (1-5)............................14-41, Wyoming................. Colorado State

10. Indiana (1-6).........................7-59, Wisconsin................ Northwestern.

11. Oregon State (1-5); 12. Kansas (2-4); 13. Kentucky (2-4); 14. Buffalo (2-5); 15. Memphis (1-6); 16. Idaho (1-6); 17. Miami (Fla.) (3-3); 18. Northwestern (2-4); 19. This space for rent; 20. The Pitts (3-4).

Crummy Game of the Weak: UCLA (3-3) at Arizona (1-5).

Rout of the Week: Oregon (5-1) all over Colorado (1-6),

No audible call here: Michigan football fan Johnny Wakefield paid $150 to rent an empty Ohio Stadium for an hour to propose marriage to Ohio State fan Abbey Zellers on the 50-yard line. "She said yes," reported Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, "though her commitment isn't binding until letter-of-intent day."

The Pros

How bad are the St. Louis Lambs this year? When Green Bay drubbed them 24-3 Sunday, Packer quarterback Aaron Rodgers said afterward that he had a "feeling of minor disappointment." That's right_the Lambs are so bad this year that when you whip them by just 21 points you feel like you've had an off-day.

Lambs running back Steven Jackson, meanwhile, said, ``For whatever reason, we get into the red zone, we keep shooting ourselves in the foot." Luckily, that wasn't how QB Sam Bradford suffered his ankle injury.

Meanwhile, Miami Herald columnist Greg Cote quizzed fans on his blog on whether the No. 2 Dolphins (0-5) should throw in the towel for the year. Just under 70% said the Dolphins should keep up the losing so they can draft Stanford's Andrew Luck.

This is known as "the Suck for Luck" movement. It's too soon to tell if it will lead to sit-ins around the nation in quarterback-deprived cities.

As for the No. 6 Philadelphia Dream-Teamers, they've gone from bad to merely mediocre. The DT's edged Washington, 20-13, in a game in which 'Skinned QB Rex Grossman threw four interceptions and showed why the Washington Post's Mike Wise says he has multiple personalities: ``Good Rex, Bad Rex and Train Rex."

Wreck, Record.............Last Loss.............. Next Loss

1. St. Louis (0-5)..................3-24, Bay (Green)..... Dallas

2. Miami (0-5).....................6-24, N.J. Jets............ Denver

3. Indianapolis (0-6).........17-27, Cincinnati......... New Orleans

4. Jacksonville (1-5)..........13-17, Pitts................... Baltimore

5. Dallas (2-3)....................16-20, New England.... St. Louis

6. Philadelphia (2-4); 7. Minnehaha (1-5); 8. Carolina (1-5); 9. Arizona (1-4); 10. Tie between Harbaugh (0-0-1) and Schwartz (0-0-1).

Crummy Game of the Weak: St. Louis (0-5) vs. Dallas (2-3).

Fantasy Flops: Jacksonville QB Blaine Gabbert (12 of 26 for 109 yards, 1 TD), Washington QB Rex Grossman (9 of 22 for 143 yards, 4 interceptions, no TDs), Houston RB Arian Foster (15 carries, 49 yards no TDs).

Turned off: The NFL requires offensive linemen to wear microphones to "enhance" broadcasts. The other day, Baltimore center Matt Birk was fined $5,000 for tearing off his mic after it came loose. Call it the silence of the Ravens.

Still sending...

Soon to be a major motion picture---``Crummyball"!

By Steve Harvey

0 mutual friends

0 notifications

0 event invites

3 likes, 7,412 dislikes

Colleges

For New Mexico, the 2011 season has been a lose-lose-lose-lose-lose proposition.

Lost Lobos' (0-5) remarkable consistency enabled them to take over No. 1 in the Bottom Ten this week even though they had a bye.

They replaced Oregon State (1-4), which said bye bye to the top spot following a shocking victory over the Arizona Mildcats (1-5).

Meanwhile, Kentucky climbed to No. 10 with an impressive 3-54 loss to South Carolina while No 14. Villanova (1-5) and No. 18 Northwestern (2-3) also recorded setbacks. Those three schools share the same nickname with Arizona, which explains all the talk about realigning them into a Mildcat Conference.

Coming up fast on the outside are the Jayshocked (2-3) of Kansas, who are giving up 49.4 points and 566 yards per game. Kansas, which reached new depths with a 28-70 loss to Oklahoma State on Saturday, should be able to reach the magical 50 points-allowed-per-game average Saturday when the team is fed to Oklahoma in one of two featured Routs of the Weak.

Poll experts pointed out that the two wins by the Jayshocked, coming early in the season, may be ignored by the voters later in the year when it comes time to pick a Bottom Ten champ.

And a tip of the helmet to No. 8 Florida State (2-3), a 10-game winner last year, which has been named most disappointing team of 2011 by Yahoo Sports.

Wreck, Record....... Last Lost Next Loss

1. New Mexico (0-5).... Idle........................................... Nevada

2. Arizona (1-5)............ 27-37, Oregon State................ UCLA

3. Colorado (1-5)........... 7-48, Stanford..................... ...Washington

4. B.C. (1-5).................. 14-36, Clemson......................... Va Tech

5. Akron (1-5).............. 17-27, Florida International... Ohio (Ohio)

6. Kansas (2-3)............ 28-70, Oklahoma State........... Oklahoma

7. Indiana (1-5)............ 20-41, Ill.................................... Wisconsin

8. Florida State (2-3)..30-35, Wake Forest*............... Duke

9. UNLV (1-4)................ 0-37, Nevada.......................... Wyoming

10. Kentucky (2-4)........ 3-54, South Carolina.............. Jackson State

*This score is not a typographical error.

11. Miami (Fla.) (2-3); 12. Memphis (1-5); 13. Idaho (1-5); 14. Villanova (1-5); 15. Oregon State (1-4); 16. New Mexico State (2-3); 17. Other Miami (1-4); 18. Northwestern (2-3); 19. Campaigning in Iowa; 20. Ohio State (3-3).

Rout of the Weak (Tie) : Oklahoma (5-0) at Kansas (2-3); Indiana (1-5) at Wisconsin (5-0).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Nevada (2-3) at New Mexico (0-5).

The Pros

Minnehaha had blown leads in four straight games but even the Vikes couldn't fritter away a 28-0 lead.

They held on for a 34-10 win over 1-4 Arizona, not to be confused with the 1-5 University of Arizona, to exit the top spot in the Bottom Ten.

Minnehaha was replaced by the Philadelphia Nightmares (1-4) , whose 2011 season is over. Now they can only dream about getting a decent quarterback in next year's draft.

No. 3 Indianapolis stayed winless with a 24-28 loss to the Kansas City Chefs. Oddly enough the Chefs' winning touchdown drive was aided by a horse-collaring penalty against Indy's linebacker Philip Wheeler. How can horse-collaring penalty be called against a Colt?

Wreck, Record...................... Last Lost..............Next Loss

1. Philadelphia (1-4)....................... 24-31, Buffalo.......... Washington

2. St. Louis (0-4)............................ Idle............................. Green Bay

3. Miami (Fla.) (0-4)..................... Even Idler.................. N.J. Jets

4. Indianapolis (0-5)..................... 24-28, Kansas City... Cincinnati

5. Jacksonville (1-4) ......................20-30, Cincinnati...... The Pitts

6. Carolina (1-4); 7. Arizona (1-4); 8. Grampa Bay (3-2); 9. Denver (1-4); 10. (Tie) Yankees, Red Sox, Phillies (seasons over).

Dishonorable Mention: Philadelphia is dominating in some departments. Receiver DeSean Jackson, for example, is tied for third in most passes dropped this year with 3, trailing only Roddy White of Atlanta (6), Michael Crabtree of San Francisco (4).

Fantasy Flops: Tennessee RB Chris Johnson (51 yards in 14 carries); Denver QB Kyle Orton (6 of 13 passes for 34 yards, one interception); Grampa Bay QB Josh Freeman (17 of 33 passes for 187 yards, 2 interceptions, no TD passes).

Unclear on the concept: Against the Colts, Chefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe was penalized for delay of the game after spiking the ball following a 9-yard gain. Broadcaster Mark Malone pointed out that the real delay was caused by the officials, who stopped the game, conferred, then made the announcement to the spectators. As for Bowe's crime, Malone asked: ``Is there only one ball?"

The ghost of Al? : Replays show that when Oakland intercepted a Matt Schaub pass on the last play of the game to save a 25-20 win, the Raiders only had 10 players on the field. Or was Al Davis the 11th man? Don't count out Al, yet.

The Bottom Ten, a division of Bottom Ten International

Loading...

By Steve Harvey

0 people like this. Be the first of your friends.

"Severe formatting problems"---Dissatisfied reader.

"I don't get any of the jokes"---Mrs. Harvey.

"Who hacked those messages into my column?"---Steve Harvey

The Colleges

The Meager Beavers of Oregon State (0-4) constructed a small lead in the Bottom Ten but now comes their biggest test_the streaking Arizona Mildcats (1-4), who have chalked up four straight defeats.

This is an early-season crucial for each team, a must-lose game, a die-or-die situation. They don't get much smaller than this.

It's a tough one to call. The Mildcats scored 41 points last week but look who they did it against_ USC's push-over defense. The Beavers once scored 28---against Sacramento State (while allowing 29).

Meanwhile, the Ohio State checked in at No. 18 with a miserable offensive performance in a 7-10 loss to Michigan State. But there's a "silver lining" to Ohio State's mishaps, pointed out Janice Hough on LeftCoastSportsBabe.com: "This year, the Buckeyes won't have any big-time bowl memorabilia to sell."

Wreck, Record................. Last Loss.......................... Next Loss

1. Oregon State (0-4)............... 20-35, Arizona State.............. Arizona

2. New Mexico (0-5)................ 28-42, New Mexico State...... Nevada

3. Indiana (1-4)........................ 10-16, Penn State .....................Ill

4. Western Kentucky (0-4).... 22-26, Ark. State..................... Middle Tenn

5. Memphis (1-4)..................... 31-38, Middle Tenn................ Rice

6. Colorado (1-4)..................... 27-31, Washington State........ Stanford

7. Minnesota (1-4).................... 0-58, Michigan....................... Purdue

8. Arizona (1-4)........................41-48, USC ...............................Oregon State

9. Alabama (Birm.) (0-4)...... 23-24, Troy ..............................Mississippi State

10. UNLV (1-3) .......................16-41, Southern Utah ..............Nevada

11. Akron (1-4); 12. Buffalo (1-4); 13. Nevada (1-3); 14 B.C. (1-4); 15. Idaho (1-4); 16. Eat Carolina (1-3); 17. Minute Rice (1-3); 18. Ohio State (3-2); 19. Out of the country; 20. Texas at El Wobbly Paso (2-3).

Not-so-instant replay: A review of one play during the Hawaii-Louisiana Tech game took 22 minutes, believed to be an NCAA record. The issue was whether a play from scrimmage was canceled by a time out. (I can't be more specific---no one involved could remember the details once they made a ruling.)

The Pros

The Kansas City Chefs trailed Minnehaha 7-3 early Sunday. The Chefs knew they had the Vikings right where they wanted them inasmuch as Minnehaha blows a lead every week. In their first three games of the season, the Vikes led San Diego 17-7, Tampa Bay 17-0 and Detroit 20-0, losing each time.

Sure enough, the Vikes (0-4) eventually fell as well to the previously winless Chefs, 17-22.

But now Minnehaha has another tough test_a game against a team with just one victory_Arizona. Can the Vikes go ahead and blow another one?

Sure they can, especially when they know they have to keep up the losing to stay ahead of the No. 2 Philadelphia Dream Teamers. The DT's (1-3) fell to powerful San Francisco, 23-24.

Still in contention are the St. Louis Lambs (0-4) and Miasma Dolphins (0-4), both heavy underdogs against Idle this week. The Lambs have drawn attention with their unusual hurry-up defense, which allows opponents to hurry up and score.

Wreck, Record....... Last Loss.................. Next Loss

1. Minnehaha (0-4)..... 17-22, Kansas City......... Arizona

2. Philadelphia (1-3)... 23-24, San Francisco.... Buffalo

3. St. Louis (0-4)......... 10-17, Washington........ Idle

4. Miasma (0-4)............16-26, L.A./San Diego.. Idle

5. Indianapolis (0-4)... 17-24, Grampa Bay....... Kansas City

6. Jacksonville (1-3); 7. Denver (1-3); 8. Kansas City (1-3); 9. Arizona (1-3); 10. Brett Favre (for saying in a radio interview that he's surprised that successor Aaron Rodgers didn't win a Super Bowl "sooner" since the "talent" on the current Packers is "even better than when I was there").

Crummy Games of the Week: Arizona (1-3) at Minnehaha (0-4).

Rout of the Week: Buffalo (3-1) over Dream-Teamers (1-3).

Still loading...

Not much Zip

By Steve Harvey

(Please remember to silence your cell phones before reading. Thank you.)

The Colleges

Akron went into the weekend bearing the only nickname that signified its number of wins. The Zips were 0-3.

But the pressure of being No. 1 in the Bottom Ten was apparently too much and the Zips defeated VMI, 36-13, to fall to an inglorious No. 13.

That left the top spot open to Oregon State (0-3). The meager Beavers have chalked up impressive losses to Sacramento State and the UCLA Ruins_and the season's only three weeks long.

But don't count out No. 4 New Mexico, which is tied for most games played in the nation (4) and tops in most defeats (4, of course). The Lost Lobos are obviously trying to get their season over as quickly as possible.

Wreck, Record........................ Last Loss.......................... Next Loss

1. Oregon State (0-3)........................19-27, UCLA.............................. Arizona State

2. Indiana (1-3) .................................21-24, North Texas ...................Penn State

3. Western Kentucky (0-3)..............16-44, Indiana State................ Arkansas State

4. New Mexico (0-4) ........................45-48, Sam Houston State ......New Mexico State

5. Memphis (1-3) ................................0-42, SMU (OT)*.....................Middle Tennessee

6. Colorado (1-3) ..............................17-37, Ohio State....................... Washington State

7. Minnesota (1-3).............................24-37, North Dakota State...... Michigan

8. Middle-Aged Miss (1-3)...............13-27, Georgia........................... Fresno State

9. Alabama (Birmingham) (0-3).....23-28, East Carolina................. Troy

10. Miami (Fla.) (1-2)**...................24-28 Kansas State ...................Bethune-Cookman***

*No overtime; just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

**Pending future forfeits.

***If, indeed, there is a Bethune-Cookman.

11. UNLV (1-3) ; 12. Syracuse-Toledo refs (blown call on extra-point attempt enabled Syracuse to win, 33-30); 13. Akron (1-3); 14. Buffalo (1-3); 15. New Mexico State (1-3); 16. Nevada (1-2); 17. B.C. (1-3); 18. San Jose State (1-3); 19. 404_Page Not Found; 20. Colorado (0-3).

Crummy Game of the Week: New Mexico State (1-3) at New Mexico (0-4).

(Annoying pop-up ad goes here, as soon as the Bottom Ten sells one.)

The Pros

The Minnehaha Vikings are the masters of the come-from-ahead loss_the NFL's version of the Boston Red Sox.

The Vikes have blown half-time leads of 10, 17 and 20 points, the latest collapse resulting in a 23-26 loss to mighty Detroit.

So, it's no wonder that Minnehaha is featured in the Crummy Game of the Year (so far) against equally inoffensive Kansas City. The Chefs have given up 109 points in three games, leading to rumors they may abandon their controversial O-O defensive alignment.

Meanwhile, the No. 5 Philadelphia Dream Team suffered another nightmarish loss, 16-29, to the N.J. Giants.

The Giants didn't have to fake any injuries to stop the clock, as they did against St. Louis. But, just to stay in practice against the Dream Teamers, two of their players did faint during the coin-toss.

Wreck, Record ...................Last Loss............. Next Loss

1. Minnehaha (0-3) ....................23-26, Detroit.......... K.C.

2. St. Louis (0-3) ..........................7-37, Baltimore...... Washington

3. Kansas City (0-3) ...................17-20, San Diego...... Minnehaha

4. Boston Red Sox (7-20)*......... 3-4, Baltimore .........Season Over

5. Dream Team (1-2) .................16-29, N.J. Giants..... San Francisco

6. Miami (Fla.) 0-3); 7. Indianapolis (0-3); 8. Atlanta (1-2); 9. Jacksonville (1-2); 10. Cincinnati (1-2).

*Record in September.

Crummy Game of the Week: Kansas City (0-3) vs. Minnehaha (0-3).

Rout of the Week: San Diego (2-1) over Miami (Fla.) (0-3).

Quotebook: Bungles wideout Jerome Simpson, averaging more than 20 years per catch, was detained for questioning in Crestview Hills, Ky., after the delivery of 2 1/2 pounds of marijuana to his house. Quipped Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times in his Sideline Chatter column: ``Here we thought he was a deep threat; turns out he might be a possession receiver."

Talk about a fishy story: Nelson Walker, accused of stealing Dolphins jerseys from a Miami store, showed up for his bail hearing wearing a Dolphins jersey, CBS reported. Walker, who denied the thefts, was asked by the judge about the jersey he was wearing. ``This ain't the one, Your Honor," he said. ``No, m'am. It shows I ain't took no jerseys." Walker, whose resume shows 29 offenses, was held on $5,000 bail.

Fishy story reaction: Why would anyone want a Dolphins (0-3) jersey anyway?

Into the Abyss

by Steve Harvey

(Recorded earlier in some time zones)

The Bottom Ten was left in a shambles after the two top-rated teams, Georgia and the Fighting Rash of Notre Dame, suffered untimely victories.

The Rash defeated Michigan State, 31-13, while Georgia edged Coastal Carolina, 59-0, in a game that was closer than it looked. The Bulldogs could easily have been held to 52 points.

Whatever, both Georgia and the Rash were put on probation. A second victory for either school would result in it being banned from the Bottom Ten for the rest of the year; a third victory, under the Bottom Ten's three-strikes provision, could result in a lifetime ban.

Taking over at No. 1 was a school with no chance of compiling three wins, Akron (0-3).

The Zips were followed by B.C. (0-3), which lost to Duke in a battle of the winless, and the meager Beavers of Oregon State (0-2), who had no game last week but looked poor in practice.

Wreck, Record..............Last Loss...........................Next Loss

1. Akron (0-3)......................14-59, Cincinnati..................... VMI

2. B.C. (0-3)........................ 19-20, Duke.............................. Mass

3. Oregon State (0-2)......... Healing .....................................UCLA

4. San Jose State (0-3)....... 14-17, Nevada...........................New Mexico State

5. Alabama (Birm.) (0-2)... 10-49, Tulane.......................... East Carolina

6. East Carolina (0-2)......... Healing ....................................Alabama (Birm.)

7. Notre Dame (1-2)............ Def. Michigan State, 31-13......The Pitts

8. Georgia (1-2) ...................Def. Coastal Carolina, 59-0.....Ole Miss

9. UCLA (1-2) ......................20-49, Texas............................ Oregon State

10. North Texas (0-3)......... 0-41, Alabama......................... Indiana

11. North Carolina 2008 and 2009 teams (16 victories erased because of various NCAA infractions) ; 12. Western Kentucky (0-3); 13. Blank (Ohio) (0-2); 14. Florida Atlantic (0-2); 15. Duke (1-2); 16. Minnesota (1-2); 17.-18. (Tie) Ole Miss (1-2) and Miss State of Confusion (1-2) (or vice versa); 19. Under construction; 20. Ohio State (2-1) (dropped out of Top 25 for first time in 103 weeks after losing to Miami of Florida, 6-24).

Crummy Game of the Week: UCLA (1-2) vs. Oregon State (0-2).

You're a Bruin for four years but you're a Trojan for life...except: Refuting the old Trojan saying was ex-USC quarterback Todd Marinovich, who told the New York Times he was rooting for his younger brother, Syracuse defensive end Mikhail Marinovich, before Saturday's Orange-Trojans game. ``I hope he knocks the Trojans out," proclaimed Todd. The Trojans won, 38-17, disappointing everyone in the Marinovich family.

The Pros

The big game of the Bottom Ten season could be Oct. 9 when the Indianapolis Dolts host the Kansas City Chefs, possibly the only chance for either to win a game this year. How bad are the two?

The Dolts were actually the underdog against lowly Cleveland---in Indianapolis. And the Browns covered the spread, 27-19.

The Chefs, meanwhile, have been eaten alive by a score of 89-10 in their two losses. Only three NFL teams in the last 75 years have been outscored by more points in the same span (none of them owned by Al Davis, surprisingly enough).

Meanwhile, another team on a streak, the 0-2 St. Louis Lambs moved up to No. 5 with a 16-28 pasting by the New Jersey Giants. The Lambs were paced by running back Cadillac Williams, who didn't bother to pick up a lateral pass that went awry; the Giants' Michael Boley scooped it up and ran 65 yards for a touchdown. Cadillac Williams is now known as Edsel Williams.

Checking in at No. 8 was the Chicago Bears' offensive line, which allowed Jay Cutler

to be sacked six times and knocked down numerous other times in a 13-30 drubbing by New Orleans. The protection was so poor that even Floyd Mayweather hit Cutler with two sneak punches.

Wreck, Record........ Last Loss............ Next Loss

1. Kansas City (0-2)...... 3-48, Detroit........... San Diego

2. Indianapolis (0-2).....19-27, Cleveland..... The Pitts

3. Seattle (0-2)............... 0-24, The Pitts.......Arizona

4. Minnesota (0-2)...... 20-24,Tampa Bay.... Detroit

5. St. Louis (0-2)......... 16-28, N.J. Giants.... Baltimore

6. Jacksonville (1-1); 7. Miami (0-2); 8. Chicago Bears' offensive line; 9. Philadelphia (1-1); 10. Emmy Awards show (outdrawn by Philadelphia-Atlanta game, 21.5 million viewers to 12.4 million viewers, on Sunday night).

Rout of the Week: Cruel, merciless Detroit (2-0) over Minnesota (0-2).

Quotebook: ESPN talk show host Colin Cowherd, theorizing why the Bears' protection was so poor in New Orleans: ``The entire offensive line missed their flight and the Bears had to use busboys from the French Quarter."

(Now, we rejoin our regularly scheduled program, already in progress.)

Lowest of the Low

by Steve Harvey

(Not valid in Nebraska, or parts of South Dakota)

The Colleges

Frustrated Georgia football fans can appreciate only too well the lyric from the state song ``Georgia, oh Georgia, no peace I find..."

The Bulldogs, ranked No. 19 in AP's pre-season (TOP 25) poll, jumped to No. 1 in the Bottom Ten with a 42-45 loss to South Carolina, pushing their record to a spotless 0-2. There is so much turmoil on the team that, Uga, the school's canine mascot, is threatening to transfer to Fresno State, even if it means red-leashing for a year.

Another big disappointment to its fans is Notre Dame, the legendary Fighting Rash, which AP ranked No. 16 in the pre-season in an apparent attempt to steal laughs from the Bottom Ten. The Rash is also winless, and No. 2 in the BT.

Elsewhere, Iowa State (2-0) defeated No. 18 Iowa (1-1) by a 44-41 score in their annual grudge match, which marks the end of the season for both schools because they're too boring to play a full year.

Wreck, Record Last Loss Next Loss

1.Georgia (0-2).............42-45, South Carolina.....Coastal Carolina

2. Notre Dame (0-2)......31-35, Michigan...............Michigan State

3. Colorado (0-2)...........33-36, Cal (OT) ...............Colorado State

4. Oregon State (0-2)......0-35, Wisconsin............ UCLA

5. BC* (0-2).......................3-30, Central Florida...Duke

6. Duke (0-2) ..................10-44, Stanford...............BC**

7. San Jose State (0-2)...17-27, UCLA....................Nevada

8. Akron (0-2) .................3-41, Temple..................Cincinnati

9. Indiana (0-2)................31-34, Virginia...............South Carolina State

10. East Carolina (0-2).. 10-17, Virginia Tech..... Alabama (Birmingham)

*Not the comic strip

**Might be the comic strip

11. North Texas (0-2); 12. Minnesota (0-2); 13. Alabama (Birmingham) (0-1); 14. Blank (Ohio) 0-1); 15. UNLV (0-2); 16. Nevada (0-1); 17. Western Kentucky (0-2); 18. Iowa State (1-1); 19. Out to lunch; 20. Memphis (0-2).

Rout of the Weak: Alabama (2-0) vs. North Texas (0-2).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Duke (0-2) @ B.C (0-2).

The Pros

Much of the suspense involving the NFL season has vanished with the realization that the next Super Bowl will be a matchup of undefeated Buffalo and undefeated Detroit.

The Bottom Ten race is still competitive, though.

The Dallas Cows took possession of the top spot with a come-from-ahead 24-27 loss to the New Jersey Jets. The Cows came into the game with a franchise record of 241-0-1 in games in which they led by 14 or more points in the fourth quarter. Then they blew a 10-24 lead in that quarter.

New Jersey's other team, the Eli Manning-quarterbacked Ants, didn't fare as well, falling to Washington, 14-28. But then the Skins were quarterbacked by Rex Grossman.

Meanwhile, unreliable reports say that the Oklahoma Sooners still haven't made up their mind whether to transfer to the Pac-Whatever conference or the NFC West.

Pros

Wreck, Record............Last Loss ........Next Loss

1. Dallas (0-1)..............24-27, N.Y. Jets.........S.F.

2. N.J. Ants (0-1).........14-28, Washington....St. Louis

3. Kansas City (0-1)......7-41, Buffalo..............Detroit

4. The Pitts (0-1)..........7-35, Baltimore.........Seattle

5. Seattle (0-1)............17-33, San Francisco..The Pitts

6. Old Orleans (0-1); 7. Minnesota (0-1); 8. Indianapolis (0-1); 9. Cleveland (0-1); 10. Tennessee (0-1).

Rout of the Weak: San Francisco (1-0) over Dallas (0-1).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Seattle (0-1) at the Pitts (0-1).

Fantasy Flops: WR Chad Ochocinco (N.England), 1 catch for 14 yards; QB Donovan McNabb (Minnesota) 7 completions in 15 attempts for 39 yards and one interception; RB Chris Johnson (Tennessee) 9 carries 24 yards; RB LeGarrette Blount (Tampa Bay) 5 carries, 15 yards.

2011 All-Jurisprudence Offensive Team nominations

QB-Terrelle Prior, Oakland (suspended 5 games for violating NFL eligiblity rules)

QB-Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh (faces sexual assault suit)

RB-Cedric Benson, Cincinnati (jailed 5 days for assault)

RB-Michael Bush, Oakland (arrested for drunk driving

RB-Laurence Maroney, Denver (arrested on weapons charge)

FB-Ahmard Hall, Tennessee (suspended 4 games for using performance-enhancing substances)

WR-David Reed, Baltimore (suspended 1 game, substance abuse)

WR-Kenny Britt, Tennessee (faces charges of drug possession, resisting arrest)

G-Bobby Williams, Cincinnati (suspended 4 games, performance-enhancing substances)

T-Jason Peters, Philadelphia (arrested for disturbing peace)

Director of Pro Scouting-Shelton Quarles, Tampa Bay (arrested for DUI)

Game-Day Consultant-Jim Tressell, Indianapolis (suspended 6 games for lying to NCAA)

Next Week: the 2011 All-Jurisprudence Defensive Team nominations (and some of the players are pretty defensive about it!)

The Bottom Ten

by Steve Harvey

2 hours ago

(Or was it 2 minutes ago, or 2 days ago? Time flies so fast these days...)

The Colleges

It brought back memories of 1983, the year those long-time glorious losers, Oregon State and Oregon, played to a 0-0 tie in a game known to locals as the Toilet Bowl.

This time, the meager Beavers fell to 24-point underdog Sacramento State, 28-29. Oregon also did its part, losing to LSU, 27-40, proving that the dead Ducks (see drawing above) haven't spent enough money on recruiting.

In any event, let's have a round of applause for the state of Oregon, which once again took control of the Bottom Ten.

Elsewhere, No. 4 Miami (Fla.), with innumerable players on suspension, signed up some students in the school library but fell to Maryland, 24-32. Miami, by the way, was flagged 10 times for penalties_talk about a lack of institutional control.

The funny little SMUs made their debut at No. 9 after a 14-46 loss to Texas A$M, which, as the Bottom Ten reported exclusively last week, has agreed to join the SEC. (Our apologies to readers, however, for initially saying that the SEC that A&M was joining was the Securities and Exchange Commission, rather than the Southeastern Conference.)

Hanging on in the rankings was No. 20 USC, which, while winning, earned recognition by being held scoreless by inept Minnehaha (0-1) in the second half. But, then, as USC coach Lane Kiffin told reporters afterward, the Trojans have but ``two good players on our offense." How jealous the Oregons must be.

Wreck, Record.....................Last Loss......................................Next Loss

1. Oregon (0-1)....................27-40, LSU...................................Nevada

1. Oregon State (0-1)..........28-29, Sacramento State..........Wisconsin

3. TCU (0-1).........................48-50, Baylor..............................Air Force

4. Miami (Fla.) (0-1).......... 24-32, Maryland.........................Ohio State

5. Notre Dame (0-1)............20-23, South Florida................Michigan

6. Maryland's uniforms......Fashion world ............................New designer

7. William (0-2/3)................3-40, Virginia*...........................VMI

7. Mary (0-1/3)......................3-40, Virginia*...........................VMI

8. Indiana (0-1)...................20-27, Fum-Ball State.................Virginia

9. SMU (0-1)........................14-46, Texas A$M........................Texas at El Batted Down Paso

10. Georgia (0-1).................21-35, Boise State.......................South Carolina

*William and Mary's defense, handled by William, deserved most of blame for loss.

11. Ol' Fogy Miss (0-1); 12. Boston College (0-1); 12. New Mexico (0-1); 13. Duke (0-1); 14. Wide Awake Forest (0-1); 15. Colorado (0-1); 16. Utah State (0-1); 17. Blank (Ohio) (0-1); 18. On assignment; 19. Akron (0-1)**; 20. USC (held scoreless in second half by Minnehaha).

**Was inadvertently favored over Ohio State last week due to computer error. (Too soon to tell if Ohio State will have to forfeit its victory over Akron.)

Rout of the Weak: Wisconsin (1-0) over Oregon State (0-1) (if Oregon State shows up).

How-the-Mighty Have-Fallen Crummy Game of the Week: Notre Dame (0-1) vs. Michigan (0-0).

Quotebook: The National Catholic Register's Matthew Archbold, commenting on the profanity-laced, sidelines outbursts of Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly during the school's 20-23 loss to South Florida:

``I've had setbacks in life but I don't flip out, become so purpled-faced I look like an oompa-loompa, get in peoples faces, curse at them and chase them down so I can curse at them some more. I dont. And, if you ask me, the University of Notre Dame shouldn't allow it either."

Oompa-loompa? It's a character in the Roald Dahl novel, ``Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," who is of small stature, and has an orange complexion and green hair. (Doesn't throw out f-bombs like Kelly does, though.)

Fashion crimes Dept.: ESPN commentator Jay Biler on Maryland's multi-colored, state-flag design jerseys: ``The 1970s Houston Astros have just released a statement that they would not be caught dead in the new Maryland football uniforms."

The Pros

You can imagine the panic in Detroit where the Lions just concluded the exhibition season with a 4-0 record. When they went undefeated in the pre-season in 2008, they finished 0-16 in the regular season. Some backers printed up T-shirts that said, ``2008 Pre-Season Champions," wrote Yahoo's Nick Meyer.

This year the Lions could actually win a few games that count, maybe as many as seven, and should finish no higher in the BT than No. 10.

Some other teams that played way over their heads in the pre-season were San Francisco (2-2) and Seattle (2-2), who will be vying for last place in the NFC West Sunday, and Washington (3-1).

Others whose pre-season records actually made sense were No. 1 Cincinnati (1-3), No. 2 Carolina (1-3), and No. 3 Buffalo (1-3). The entire Cincinnati team, incidentally, is opening the season on the unable-to-perform list.

Then there's No. 8 Oakland (0-4), sentenced to spend another year in Al-catraz.

Elsewhere, New Orleans checked in at No. 9. After all, the Saints' 34-42, opening-day loss to Green Bay made them the losingest team in the NFL (0-1) at present.

Wreck, Pre-Season Record.... Next Loss ......Predicted Won-Loss Record*

1. Cincinnati (1-3) ...................Cleveland.............................1-15

2. Carolina (1-3) ......................Arizona................................2-14

3. Buffalo (1-3)..........................Kansas City........................ 4-12

4. Kansas City (0-4)................ Buffalo.................................4-12

5. Seattle (2-2)......................... San Francisco ....................5-11**

*As calculated by Bottom Ten's 1975 Altair 8800 computer.

**Inadvertent asterisk; please ignore.

6. San Francisco (2-2); 7. Washington (3-1); 8. Oakland (0-4); 9. New Orleans (0-1)***; 10. Detroit (4-0).

***2011 regular-season record.

Regional Crummy Games of the Weak: Midwest---Buffalo (1-3) at Kansas City (0-4); West---Seattle (2-2) at San Francisco (2-2).

Off-Sides! After his fellow Republican Michele Bachmann criticized the federal budget deal agreement with the Democrats, New Jersey Rep. Jon Runyan, a former Philadelphia Eagles offensive tackle, issued a broad warning at a private meeting ``about how a showboat can divide a team, bringing up the notorious loudmouth wide receiver Terrell Owens," the Los Angeles Times reported. Terrell must be proud to know his image transcends football.