Top 25 Poll Shows Its Funny Side

By Steve Harvey
NFL Outsider
                                              9 seconds ago

Colleges

What's with the Associated Press' Top 25, trying to steal laughs from the Bottom Ten?

Nine of the Top 25 lost games over the weekend, most notably No. 8 Louisville to Central Florida (who?) and No. 15 Georgia to...Vanderbilt! Oh, those cruel Commodores.

Georgia has, in fact, taken an early lead in the Most Disappointing Team of the Year competition, having gone from No. 5 in the pre-season AP to No. 30 in the latest poll. Right behind the Bulldogs is No. 32 Florida, which has fallen 22 spots, and No. 35 Texas, down 20 spots since the start of the year.

Speaking of comedy, Northwestern is currently in 6th place in the Legends Division of the Big Ten. Yes, there is such a thing as the Legends Division. The fact that the Mildcats have an 0-3 conference record seems to be irrelevant.


Wreck, Record.................... Last Loss..................... Next Loss
1. AP Top 25.........................Nine Games...................Stay tuned
2. Low Cal (1-6)................... 17-49, Oregon St.......... Washington
3. New Mexico St (0-7)........ 19-45, Rice................... Abilene Christian
4. So So Miss (0-6)............... 14-55, E Carolina.......... North Texas
5. Purdon't (1-6)...................... 0-14, Michigan St........ Idle St
6. Miami (O) (0-7)................ 17-24, Akron................. Ohio (O)
7. W Michigan (0-8)............. 17-38, Ball St................. Ole Mass
8. Hawaii (0-6)...................... Idle Tech........................ Colorado St
9. Georgia St (0-7)................ 17-24, Texas St.............. La. Monroe
10. The NCAA.......................Miami investigation........Last of its credibility
11. Yukon (0-6); 12. North Carolina (1-5); 13. Iowa State (1-5); 14. UTEP (1-5); 15. FIU (1-5); 16. Kentucky (1-5); 17. Idaho (1-6);  18. Idle; 19. Ole Mass (1-6); 20. Northwestern (4-3).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Western Michigan (0-8) vs. Ole Mass (1-6).

Rout of the Weak: Washington (4-3) over  Low Cal (1-6).



Whoops! Thought I'd lost you for a moment there. OK, we've restored power; let's resume.

Pros

You knew the Giants' losing streak was going to come to an end when it was announced that Eli and Peyton would be playing together.

What an unbeatable combination! QB Eli Manning and RB Peyton Hillis. Sure enough, with Hillis rumbling for 36 yards, the Giants knocked off Minnehaha, 23-7, pushing the Vikings into the Bottom Ten lead.

The win left the 1-6 Giants two games out of first place in the NFL East division as they move closer to a probable spot in the Super Bowl (most likely against the New York Jets).

The Vikes were handicapped by the play of quarterback Josh Freeman, who threw 33 incompletions and prompted fans to move from the first few rows of the field section seats out of fear that they would be beaned by one of his wild tosses.

The desperate search for uninjured, unmaimed quarterbacks continues. St. Louis asked Bret Favre to come out of retirement.  Jeff Garcia, age 43 and idle since 2008, told the Browns he's ready. Nearly every quarterback over the age of 18 has been considered_all except that lefty who won a playoff game for Denver over Pittsburgh two years ago.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss ........................Next Loss
1. Minnehaha (1-5)...... 7-23, Giants..................... Green Bay
2. Jacksonville (0-7)..... 6-24, San Diego ..............S.F.
3. Grampa Bay (0-6)... 23-31, Atlantis ..................Carolina
4. N.J. Giants (1-6)...... Def. Minnehaha, 23-7...... Philadelphia
5. Houston (2-5).......... 16-17, K.C....................... Healing
6. Raiders (2-4); 7. The Pits (2-4); 8. Philadelphia (3-4); 9. Atlantis (2-4); 10. St. Louis (3-4).

Special Citation: Longest gain of the year by an Oakland Raider running back: 19 yards.

Rout of the Weak: San Francisco (5-2) over Jacksonville (0-7) in London (temperature and point spread both expected to be in the 40s).

At last---a Bottom Ten Bowl?

By Steve Harvey
Bottom Ten Cartoonist


 Colleges

Historically, big losses and/or poor won-lost records have propelled teams into the Bottom Ten lead. But Low Cal (1-5) added another element. One on-line site supplied this information about tickets for Saturday's home game against Oregon State:

10:30 PM ET

4,306 available from $2

That's right_tickets  out there priced at $2 (one Bottom Ten selector broke into tears at the plight of the poor, cut-throat ticket-brokers). Next week, expect to find Cal tickets on the shelves of 99¢Only stores.

No. 5 Purdon't (1-5), meanwhile, paradoxically found itself in last place of the Leaders Division of the Big Ten. (No, really, there is a Leader's Division.) (And there is a Big Ten, though it has 12 teams.)

Elsewhere, last week's game between Tulsa and Texas of El Paso Interference caught the eye of the BT selectors. Reason: The game, featuring teams with a combined 2-8 record, was televised on Fox Sports 1.

This was proof that Fox is finally showing some interest in airing a Bottom Ten playoff competition, the BCS (or Bowl Chump Series). Surely, there are many suitable sites available, including the Al Davis Gravel Pits of Irwindale, the Nevada Disproving Grounds, the Spruce Goose Flew the Coop Dome and Farmer's Field (the downtown home of the pro football franchise that L.A. will never be awarded).

Wreck, Record................Last Loss...............Next Loss

1. Low Cal (1-5) ..............10-37, UCLA........ Oregon St
2. Temple (0-6)................ 20-38, Cincy.......... Army
3. New Mexico St (0-6)... Idle......................... Rice
4. So Ole Miss (0-5)........ Idle.......................... E Carolina
5. Purdon't (1-5)............... 7-44, Nebraska....... Michigan St
6. Miami (O) (0-6).............10-17, Ole Mass .....Akron (O.)
7. W Michigan (0-7)......... 0-33, Buffalo.......... Ball St
8. Hawaii (0-6)............... 37-39, UNLV........... Idle
9. Georgia St (0-6).......... 28-35, Troy ..............Texas St
10. Yu Conn (0-5)............ 10-13, So Florida...... Cincinnati

11. North Carolina (1-4); 12. Iowa St (1-4); 13. UTEP (1-5); 14. Kentucky (1-5); 15. E. Michigan (1-5); 16. FIU (1-5); 17. SMU (1-4); 18. Idle; 19. Louisiana Tech (2-4); 20. Tulsa (2-4).


Rout of the Weak:  Oregon St (5-1) over Cal (1-5) (in retrospect, perhaps Oregon State was wise not to take the Bottom Ten's advice and abandon football after the Beavers' opening 46-49 loss to Eastern Washington. But, folks, it was EASTERN WASHINGTON!)

Eye, yi, yi: Oregon cheerleaders model green and yellow special contact lenses they wear in support of the Ducks (as well as Halloween).







Pros

First, a round of applause, please, for the Pits Steelers, who recorded their first two takeways of the season Sunday. Yes, in their first 4 games, they had failed to intercept a single pass or recover one opponent fumble.

This time the Pits picked off two passes and even emerged victorious against the fuel-less Jets,  recording the 600th win in franchise history. At the rate the Pits are winning this year, it will only take them 187 years to notch their next 600 wins.

As for No. 1 New Jersey, the Giants (0-6) go up against Minnehaha (1-4) in a sort of Bottom Ten Stupor Bowl on Monday night. The Vikings, in an obvious attempt to move up to No. 1, will employ Josh Freeman at QB, their 11th starting QB since 2005, not including Vinny Interceptaverde.

 Elsewhere, visiting Oakland fell to Kansas City, 7-24, but the No. 9 Raiduz had the honor of being present when the fans inside Arrowhead Stadium broke the world record for the loudest outdoor sports stadium, reaching 137.5 decibels. (The record was set when the Kansas City fans screamed in terror at the sight of costumed Raiduz fans arriving at the game.)


Wreck, Record.......... Last Loss ...............Next Loss

1.N.J. Giants (0-6)...... 21-27, Chicago........ Minnehaha
2.Jacksonville (0-6)..... 19-35, Denver .........San Diego
3. Minnehaha (1-4)..... 10-35, Carolina........ N.J. Giants
4. Houston (2-4)......... 13-38, St. Louis....... Kansas City
5. Grampa Bay (0-5).. 20-31, Philadelphia...Atlantis
6. Atlantis (1-4); 7. Washington (1-4); 8. Pits (1-4); 9. Raiduz (2-4); 10. NFC East (7-16).

Monday Night Flop of the Season: Minnehaha (1-4) vs. N.J. Giants (0-6).

Dishonorable Mention: Detroit defensive tackle Stomp Again Suh was fined $30,000 for his latest cheap shot, bringing his total of lost salary to $209,000 in fines and about $165,000 for missed games_$374,000 in all, as he moves closer to becoming the first Million Dollar Man in a new category.

Bottom Ten Credibility Damaged (again...)

By Steve Harvey
Head Copy Editoz
Bottom Ten


The Colleges

One week after USC appeared as No. 20 in the Bottom Ten, BT officials said the ranking was the work of impersonators. Obviously a big-time school with an interim coach who believes in passing down the field did not deserve such an embarrassingly low rating.

Meanwhile, a man claiming to be Trojan athletic director Pat Haden accused unknown impersonators of talking to ex-Indianapolis coach Tony Dungy and Denver assistant Jack Del Rio about taking the full-time job at USC (though presumably not at the same time).

Haden was quoted by the school as saying: "I can assure you no authorized representative of USC or our athletic department made these calls."

But how do we know that was Haden speaking?

Elsewhere, only a handful of teams remained winless, and the number will fall by one with the expected merger of Western Michigan (0-6), Eastern Michigan (1-4), Central Michigan (2-4) and a Southern school from anywhere to create one full team. 

No. 1 New Mexico State (0-6), inspired by the U.S. Congress, will shut down for a week.

Wreck, Record Last Loss Next Loss
1. New Mexico St (0-6)......... 17-66, New Mexico........ Idle
2. Temple (0-5)...................... 7-30, Louisville ............Cincy
3. So Miss (0-5).................... 23-24 Fla Int................... Idle
4. Purdon't (1-4)................... Idle ..................................Nebraska
5. Ole Mass (0-5).................... 7-28, Bowling Green .......Idle
6. Yu Kon (0-4) ......................Idle................................ So Fla
7. Hawaii (0-5)..................... 27-37, San Jose St.......... UNLV
8. Low Cal (1-4).................... 22-44, Washington St.... UCLA
9. Idaho (1-5)........................ 14-61, Fresno St.............. Arkansas St
10 No Carolina (1-4)............. 17-27, Va Tech............... Healing
11. Miami (O) (0-5); 12. UAB (1-4); 13. Memphis (1-3); 14. SMU (1-4); 15. Iowa State (1-3); 16. Tulsa (1-4); 17. El Intercepted (1-4); 18. Out of the country; 19. Georgia State (0-5); 20. Texas-San Antonio (T-Ant) (2-4).

Rout of the Weak: Nebraska (4-1) over Purdon't (1-4).

Pros

Well, maybe the Giant are 0-6_and off to their worst start since 1976.

 But consider this: Should NFC East rivals Philadelphia and Dallas both lose Sunday, New York would only be two games out of first place. Looks to us like a playoff spot is in the bag for the Giants!

True, not everyone is excited about the Giants. Bustedcoverage.com reports that a New York strip club called Rick's Cabaret has quit showing the Giants on TV. "We love the Giants but they get the crowd at our Weekend Football Viewing Parties all depressed," said one staff member.

But you have to admit their games are exciting. With 15 interceptions, QB Eli Manning is on a pace to record 40 this year. Surely, Eli can step up the pace and break George Blanda's 52-year-old record of 42, unless Peyton and the rest of the family stage an intervention and persuade Eli to take a pledge to stop passing for good.


Wreck, Record............. Last Loss........... Next Loss
1. N.Y. Giants (0-6)..... 21-27, Chicago.....Minnehaha
2. Jacksonville (0-5)..... 20-34, St. Louis... Denver
3. Washington (1-3)...... Idle*.................... Dallas
4. Atlanta (NFL)............28-30 Jets............ Idle
4. Atlanta (MLB) ..........1-3, Dodgers........Done
6. Pits (0-4); 7. Dallas (2-3); 8. Grampa Bay (0-4); 8. Houston (2-3); 10. NFC East (5-15).
* Just like the government!

Crummy Game of the Weak: Jacksonville (0-5) vs. Denver (5-0).

Fake Houston Menu of the Week on Facebook:

New Mexico_The Area 51 of College Football

By Steve Harvey
Deputy Asst. Executive Co-Spores Editor
Bottom Ten

(May be recorded for quality assurance.)

The Colleges

You could take the negative approach and say New Mexico State (0-5), the losingest team in the nation, is No. 1 in the Bottom Ten.

Or you could look at it from the point of view of computer ranker Jeff Sagarin. New Mexico is the 189th best team in college football. (All together now: We’re 189!)

Whatever, the Aggies’ Bottom Ten reign could be brief. Next up, they play New Mexico---that’s right, Lost Lobos (1-3), ranked No. 11. The Lobos fell to the University of Texas at El Fumbles and Interceptions (UTEFI), 42-56.

Elsewhere, No. 4 Purdon’t (1-4) succumbed to Northern Illinois, 24-55. Imagine if Purdon’t had been forced to play the entire state of Illinois, not just the northern portion.

No. 9 Low Cal (1-3) was crushed by Oregon, 16-55.

And returning to the Bottom Ten after a brief summer engagement elsewhere was No. 20 USC, loser of 7 of its last 11, the latest disaster being a 41-62 setback to Arizona State. Coach Lane Kiffin was fired afterward despite his contention that NCAA penalties had restricted him to 55 scholarships, 15 of which must go to chemistry students.

One rumor has it that the next USC coach will be Jim Mora Sr. Now that would make USC vs. UCLA a REAL rivalry!

The rankled:

Wreck, Record….……………. Last Loss…………………... Next Loss

1. New Mexico St  (0-5).......... 16-26, San Diego St……….. New Mexico

2. Temple (0-4) ………………..24-26, Idaho ………………...Louisville

3. So Miss (0-4) ………………...7-60, Boise St……………... Fla Int

4. Purdon’t (1-4) ……………… 24-55, No Ill …………………Nebraska

5. Ole Mass (0-4) ……………..Idle …………………………...Bowling (Green)

6. Fla Int (0-4) ………………….Idle …………………………..So Miss

7. Yu Kon (0-4) ………………..12-41, Buffalo………………. So Fla

8. Hawaii (0-4) ………………...37-42, Fresno St ……………San Jose St

9. Low Cal (1-3) ……………….16-55, Oregon……………... Washington State

10. So Fla (0-4) ………………..21-49, Miami (F) ……………Yu Kon

11. New Mexico (1-3); 12. Miami (O) 0-4, 13. W Mich (0-5); 14. UAB (1-30; 15. Tulsa (1-3); 16. La Tech (1-4); 17. Gone Fishing; 18. Central Mich (1-4); 19. Notre Dame (outscored 99-113 in last four games); 20. USC (0-2 in conference).

Crummy Game of the Weak (Tie): New Mexico State (0-5) vs. New Mexico (1-3); Fla Int (0-4) vs. So Miss (0-4); Yukon (0-4 vs. S. Fla (0-4).

Ironies, ironies: On the day Lane Kiffin was fired as USC football coach, Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll (who deserted USC before the school was hit with sanctions) scored a dramatic, come-from-behind victory.  And Detroit running back Reggie Bush (who was the primary figure in the USC scandal) ran for 139 yards. Way to go, Pete and Reggie_don’t look back!

Pros

The game between winless wonders Pittsburgh and Minnesota was evidently so bad that no stadium in the United States would show it so the two rum-dums had to go overseas and play in London. The Pits took over the Bottom Ten by losing, 27-34.

 

The N.J. Giants (0-4) kept pace with the Pits, recording their fourth straight failure but will be hard-pressed to keep the losing streak alive since they next get fast-fading Philadelphia (1-3).

How bad are things for Jacksonville (0-4)? The Jags tried to lure people to their game against Indianapolis by offering them 2 free beers for every ticket of $45 or more purchased. (No joke.) The Jags, who fell 3-37, played as though they had broken into the booze themselves.

And congrats to the Manning brothers, who ran their combined number of wins to 4.

The rankled:

Wreck, Record………. Last Loss……………. Next Loss

1. The Pits (0-4).......... 27-34, Minnehaha…... N.J. Jets

2. N.J. Giants (0-4)....... 7-31, K.C…………… Philadelphia

3. Jack (0-4)................. 3-37, Indy…………… St. Louis

4. St. Louis (1-3) ……..11-35, S.F……………. Jack

5. Bay (Tampa) (0-4).. 10-13, Arizona……….. Philadelphia (Oct. 13)

6. Atlantis (1-3); 7. Oakland (1-3); 8. Bay (Green) (1-2); 9. Philadelphia (1-3); 10. Team New Zealand Yachting crew.

Crummy Game of the Weak: Jacksonville (0-4) vs. St. Louis (1-3).

Special Citation: The Steelers are only team in NFL who have yet to force a turnover.