Southern Miss Doesn't Miss

By Steve Harvey
NHL All-Star Game Coordinator


Colleges

With schools playing longer schedules than ever, it's more difficult to go winless these days. But Ole Southern Miss (0-12) pulled off the trick, winning the Bottom Ten championship trophy,  a cheddar cheese sculpture of Ryan Leaf fumbling.

The Golden Beagles, who suffered their worst season since 1925,  finished with a flourish, dropping a 24-43 decision to Memphis, an 8-time loser.

Massachusetts (1-11), a mid-season Bottom Ten leader, finished third, its season ruined by an earlier 22-14 victory over No. 2 Akron (1-11).

Dishonorable mention went to No. 6 Auburn. Though the winner of 3 games, the school did achieve the worst downfall within two years of winning a national title of any school since the Associated Press Top Ten poll started in 1936. Memories.


Wreck, Record................... Last Loss................ Bowl Invite?
1. Ole So. Miss (0-12)......... 24-42, Memphis....... None
2. Akron (1-11)................... 23-35, Toledo........... Uh Uh
3. Ole Mass (1-11) ..............21-42, Central Mich.. No chance
4. Kansas (1-10).................. Idle............................ Huh?
5. Colorado (1-11)............... 35-42, Utah............... You kidding?
6. Auburn (3-9).................... 0-49, Alabama.......... Yeah, sure
7. New Mex St (1-10)........ 14-50, BYU................ No way
8. Fightin' Ill (2-10)............ 14-50, Northwestern... Hah hah
9. Idaho (1-11).................... 9-45, Utah State........ Say what?
10. E. Michigan (2-10) ........7-49, N. Ill..................Nah
11. Arkansas (4-8); 12. Kentucky (2-10); 13. UNLV (2-11); 14. Texas at El I've Run Out of Jokes Paso (3-9); 15. B.C. (2-10); 16. Southern Florida (3-8); 17. Tulane (2-10); 18. Disappeared on Black Friday; 19. Hawaii (2-9); 20. Cal (3-8).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Idle.

Rout of the Weak: Idle.

Semi-Pros

Perhaps because Cleveland had lost 16 of its last 17 games against Pittsburgh, the team's front office announced it would be handing out white flags at last weekend's game against the Steelers. No, the Browns braintrust actually thought the flags were something the fans "could rally around."

 The promotion was finally canceled after someone pointed out that white flags are, duh, a symbol of surrender.  The Browns had never thought of handing out BROWN flags, apparently.

And then, wonder of wonders, Cleveland went out and beat the Steelers, 20-14, anyway. Of course the Pitts were using Charlie Batch, their 17th string QB, but let's not quibble.

Just as shocking, Jacksonville knocked off Tennessee, 24-19, and the Jaguars can now say that they have twice as many wins as someone---hopeless Kansas City (1-9).

The day wasn't a total loss for the No. 1 Chefs. Running back Jamaal Charles managed to snare Denver QB Peyton Manning's autograph on the field after the game. Manning didn't ask for his.

The wily NFL knows a thing or two about scheduling crucial games late in the season. This Sunday, each team in the Bottom Ten plays another member of the BT,  the marquee match being Dallas (5-6) vs. Philadelphia (3-8). Whether  coaches Andy Reid (Philadelphia) and Jason Garrett (Dallas) still have their jobs at kickoff will be game-time decisions.

Wreck, Record............. Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. Kansas City (1-10)..... 9-17, Denver............ Carolina
2. N.J. Jets (4-7) ...........19-49, New England.. Arizona
3. Philadelphia (3-8)..... 22-30, Carolina.......... Dallas
4. Oakland (3-8)........... 10-34, Cincinnati....... Cleveland
5. Arizona (4-7)............ 17-31, St. Louis......... N.J. Jets
6. Jacksonville (2-9); 7. Buffalo (4-7); 8. Cleveland (3-8); 9. Carolina (3-8); 10. Dallas (5-6)

Special Citations: The Raiders and Bungles committed a total of four penalties between two plays in their game. Two of the Raiders were ejected from the game.

Streak of the Year: Carolina is 0-12 on coin tosses (including one in overtime). What are the odds of that happening? The Bottom Ten's Univac computer says better than 2 to 1.

Turkeys on the Gridiron

By Steve Harvey
Pro Hockey Editor

How the Mighty Fell

We interrupt coverage of the Bottom Ten race to bring you the results of the Biggest Flops of the Year competition, honoring highly-touted teams that have fallen the furthest in the rankings.

The biggest flop was Arkansas, which was ranked No. 10 in AP's pre-season Top 25 off its 2011 record of 11-2. The Razorbacks have since sunk to 4-7 and departed from the AP poll. (Arkansas is No. 64 in the Sagarin ratings.)

Others who took impressive nose-dives include USC (7-4), which has gone from No. 1 to No. 30, and Little Ten conference member Wisconsin (7-4), which dropped from No. 12 preseason to No. 35.

In a related study---the Most Overpaid College Coach competition---USA Today found that Kansas (1-10) coach Charlie Weis was paid $2.5 million this year (meaning he received $2.5 million per win, according to calculations by the Bottom Ten's sophisticated Univac computers).

Others in this category include Cal coach Jeff Tedford, who received a $2.6 million salary that produced 3 wins; Colorado's Jon Embree, paid $725,000 for one win; and Southern Miss' Ellis Johnson, paid $790,000 and winless.

Wreck, Record.............. PreSeason AP Rank..Current AP Rank*
1. Arkansas (4-7).............No. 10............................Unranked
2. West Virginia (5-5)..... No. 11........................... Unranked
3. Michigan St (5-6)........ No. 13........................... Unranked
4. Virginia Tech (5-6)..... No. 24........................... Unranked
5. USC (7-4)................... No. 1............................. No. 30
6. TCU (6-4)................... No. 20........................... No. 39
7. Wisconsin (7-4)........... No. 12........................... No. 35
8. Michigan (8-3)............ No. 8............................. No. 20
9. Oklahoma (8-2)........... No. 4 .............................No. 14
*Only 40 schools received votes


Crummy Game of the Weak: Southern Ole Miss (0-11) vs. Memphis (3-8).

Semi-Pros

While the Kansas City Chefs (1-9) and Jack (1-9) stayed atop the Bottom Ten, Cleveland (2-8)   signaled that it's by no means out of the race.

The Browns are now under the ownership of truck-stop magnate Jimmy Haslam III, a perfect fit for the team. A Browns game is a comfy place to take a nap.

The Raiders, meanwhile, have a decade of reverse momentum on their side. With their next loss Oakland (3-7) will mark its 10th straight year without a winning record. Hence the Raiders' new motto: "Commitment to Extinction."

Worst Coach of the Week honors went to Bill Belichick of New England, who left star tight end Rob Gronkowski in the game for a pointless point-after-touchdown---the Pats' 59th and last point in a 59-24 romp. Gronkowski suffered a broken arm on the play.

Explained Belichick afterward, "I don't think there are any quicker ways to lose a game than getting a kick blocked and run back for a touchdown."

Uh, Coach, you can't run a point-after-touchdown back for a touchdown. And even if you could, you were ahead by 34 points with 3:55 left to play.

Wreck, Record.................. Last Loss....................... Next Loss
1. (Tie) Kansas City (1-9)... 6-28, Cincinnati ..............Denver
1. Jack (1-9)...................... 37-43, Houston................. Tennessee
3. Cleveland (2-8) .............20-23, Dallas......................The Pitts
4. Oakland (3-7)................ 17-38, New Orleans .........Cincinnati
5. Carolina (2-8)................ 21-27, Tampa Bay (OT) ...Philadelphia
6. Philadelphia (3-7); 7. Arizona (4-6); 8. St. Louis (3-6-1); 9. San Diego (4-6); 10. N.J. Jets (4-6).

Crummy Game of the Weekend: Carolina (2-8) vs. Philadelphia (3-7).

Turkey of the Week: Houston (9-1) vs. Detroit (4-6)* on Thanksgiving (certainly not a banquet that viewers will give thanks for).
*Lions have 1-10 record on Thanksgiving since 2001.

Southern Miss, last of the Unwon

By Steve Harvey

Gardening Editor

Colleges

Don't discount Akron's chances of winning the Bottom Ten title. The bargain university (1-10) became the first team to lose to Ole Mass this year, ascending to No. 2 in the ratings.

And Akron could move higher because No. 1 Southern Miss (0 for the season) next plays the University of El Deflated Paso (2-8).

No. 10 Washington State, described as "zombies" by coach Mike Leach a few weeks ago, fell behind UCLA, 7-37, but rallied in the second half before losing, 36-44.  Arose from the dead, you might say.

In Las Vegas, meanwhile, 21 has become a special number both for gamblers and for No 11 UNLV. The football team registered its 21st straight road loss, 11-33 to Colorado State.

Elsewhere, making a late-season bid for membership in the Bottom Ten, Weak Forest (5-5) fell to North Carolina State, 6-37, while the Whittier Poets, dropped a 40-63 decision to Redlands. Whittier does, however, have the most bloodcurdling athletic slogan in NCAA football (see below).

Wreck, Record............. Last Loss................... Next Loss
1. So Miss (0-10)............. 6-34, SMU............... UTEP
2. Akron (1-10).............. 14-22, Ole Mass......... Toledo
3. Kentucky (1-9)........... Idle............................. Samford
4. Kansas (1-9)............... 34-41, Texas Tech...... Iowa St
5. Colorado (1-9)............ 31-56, Arizona........... Washington
6. Hawaii (1-8)............... 14-49, Boise St........... Air Force
7. New Mexico St (1-9).... 7-47, San Jose St...... BYU
8. Auburning (2-8)............ 0-38, Georgia ...........Alabama A&M
9. Ill (2-8).......................... 3-17, Minnesota....... Purdon't
10. Washington St (2-8).. 36-44, UCLA............ Arizona St
11. UNLV (2-9); 12. UTEP (2-8); 13. BC (2-8); 14. S. Florida (3-6); 15. Temple (3-6); 16. Cal (3-8); 17. New Mexico (4-7); 18. Gone skiing; 19. Memphis (2-8); 20 Electoral College (stuck in Arizona).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Southern Miss (0-10) vs. UTEP (2-8).

Rout of the Weak: BYU (6-4) over New Mexico State (1-9).

The Semi-Pros

Well, it was bound to happen, sooner or later. The Kansas City Chefs actually held a lead in regulation for the first time since New Year's Day (their lone victory this season was achieved in overtime).

The Chefs led the Pitts, 10-0, but this game also went into overtime, and Kansas City managed to fall, 13-16. The Chefs lost even though Pitts QB Ben Roethlisberger was knocked out of action, one of dozens of QBs who were kayoed last weekend. Expect Vinnie Interceptaverde to make a comeback any day, now.

K.C. and Jack, the NFL's only one-hit wonders, maintained their lead over the New Jersey Jets (3-6), the Phil-less Lakers (3-5) and the 'iego Chargers (4-5) (there is no "D" in San Diego).

Elsewhere, Rex Ryan, coach of the 3-6 Jets, said the team had a 2% chance of making the playoffs. When is Ryan going to stop making these wild predictions?

Meanwhile, ESPN reported that high-powered political figures are trying to persuade No. 7 Carolina (2-7) to move to L.A. One L.A. official called the report "misleading at best, inaccurate at worst." And, totally frightening for L.A. fans.

The No. 10 Miami Dolphins suffered a 34-point loss, still shaken by the announcement by Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria that he would be dumping a half dozen of the Dolphins' best players.  Loria was later informed he could only tear apart his own team.

 Wreck, Record........... Last Loss................ Next Loss

1. Kansas City (1-7)..... 13-16, The Pitts........ Cincinnati

2. Jacksonville (1-8)..... 10-27, Indianapolis... Houston

3. N.J. Jets (3-6)............. 7-28, Seattle............ St. Louis

4. L.A. Lakers (3-5)..... 82-84, San Antonio... Phoenix

5. San Diego (4-5)....... 24-34, Grampa Bay... Denver

 6. Oakland (3-6); 7. Carolina (2-7); 8. Dallas (4-5); 9. Philadelphia (3-6); 10. St. Louis (3-6).

Crummy Game of the Weak: N.J. Jets (3-6) vs. St. Louis (3-6).

Rout of the Weak: Houston (8-1) vs. Jacksonville (1-8).

Off Sides! Aside from losing a game on Monday, Washington coach Mike Shanahan had about $3,700 and a passport stolen out of his locker. Of course, the opponent was the Stealers.

Another accusation against Lane Kiffin? From a recent New York Times (see below):

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Talk about a brief honeymoon: Bears fans Jay Gottred and Kalli Jacobson, clad in team gear, stood in the back of a pickup truck and took their marriage vows at a tailgate party at Soldiers Field. Alas,  the Bears presented them with a 6-13 loss to Houston and QB Jay Cutler was knocked out of action. A rude wedding reception indeed.

Bottom Ten: The semi-fInal returns are in

By Steve Harvey
Junior Executive
3 Likes, 989 Dislikes

Colleges

The experts agree: The Bottom Ten race is still too close to call.

While it's true that co-leader Ole Southern Miss is 0-9, and you can't get much worse than that, the school does have three (gulp) winnable games left---against the Funny Little SMUs (4-5), Texas at El Hail Mary Paso (2-7) and Memphis (1-8).

Miss did, however, manage to take care of one obstacle, losing 19-27 to UAB (meaning of initials not certain), which was a 1-7 flowerhouse.

Meanwhile, co-leader Ole Mass (0-9), showed what it isn't made of, dropping a 0-63 nail-biter to Northern Ill. But Mass also has must-lose games left against three pushovers---Akron (1-9), Buffalo (2-7) and Central Michigan (3-6).

In any event, you can say this about Mass and S. Miss---right now, they're the L.A. Lakers of NCAA football.

Electoral College's results were incomplete.

Wreck, Record............. Last Loss............. Next Loss
1. Ole S Miss (0-9)........ 19-27, UAB.......... SMU
1. Ole Mass (0-9)............ 0-63, N Ill............ Akron
3. Akron (1-9)................ 24-35, Kent St....... Ole Mass
4. Memphis (1-8)........... 28-38, Marshall..... Tulane
5. Colorado (1-8)............. 0-48, Stanford..... Arizona
6. L.A. Lakers (1-4)....... 86-95, Utah........... Golden St
7. Kentucky (1-9)............. 0-40, Vanderbilt.. Samford
8. Kansas (1-8)............... 14-41, Baylor........ Texas Tech
9. Idaho St (1-8) .............10-50, N Arizona ..Cal Poly
10. Colorado St (2-7*)... 31-45, Wyoming UTEP
11. Washington St (2-7); 12. Auburning (2-7); 13. Boston College (2-7); 14. Virginia (3-6); 15. UNLV (2-8); 16. Cal (3-7); 17. So. Florida (3-6); 18. In line to vote in Florida; 19. Buffalo (2-7); 20. Electoral College (?).

*One of Colorado State's victories was over Colorado.

Crummy Game of the Weak: Ole Mass (0-9) vs. Akron (1-9).

Rout of the Weak: Arizona (5-4) over Colorado (1-8).

S.I. Jinx at Work? The Aug. 20 issue of Sports Illustrated devoted its cover to USC QB Matt Barkley and his decision to return for his senior year. At the time, USC was ranked in the top five in the nation. But after three deflating losses, with more conceivable defeats to UCLA and/or Notre Dame coming up, the Trojans may wind up right in the dud bowl game that S.I. had joked about (see below).


The Semi-Pros

Parity? Schmerity. Not in the NFL. There are tons of losers, fortunately for the Bottom Ten.

Jacksonville (1-7), Kansas City (1-7) and Arizona (4-5) are riding the crest of 5-game losing streaks. Philadelphia (3-5) has dropped its last 4 and Washington (3-6) its last 3. Buffalo (3-5) and Dallas (3-5) have come up short in four of their last 5 games.

Arizona was doing fine until cruel Sports Illustrated inflicted the S.I. Jinx after the fourth week of the season. "Four straight victories---and a sudden calm---suggest that Arizona quarterback Kevin Kolb has finally found his form," the magazine wrote. Whoops! Lost that form. Where is that form?

Trying to stem the losing, the NFL gave byes this week to Arizona, Cleveland (2-7) and Washington.

Speaking of idle, unemployed wide receiver Plaxico Burress was stopped for driving 125 m.p.h. but the ticket was thrown out because the officer cited the wrong law in the paperwork. "This is a great deal for Plax," mused Yahoo's Jay Busbee, "but a problem for the rest of us trying to beat---er, take a closer look at---our speeding tickets." The authorities are "going to pay a lot more attention to the bureaucratic details now."

Wreck, Record........ Last Loss................. Next Loss
1. K.C. (1-7) .............13-31, San Diego...... The Pitts
2. Jack (1-7).............. 14-31, Detroit............ Indy
3. Arizona (4-5)........ 17-31, Green Bay...... Bye
4. Cleveland (2-7)..... 15-25, Baltimore.........Bye
5. NHL...................... Bye Bye.....................Bye Bye*
6. Washington (3-6); 7. Buffalo (3-5); 8. Dallas (3-5); 9. Philadelphia (3-5), 10. N.J. Jets (3-5).

*Which is what sports fans are saying to the NHL: Bye, bye.

Monday Night Rout of Year: Kansas City (1-7) vs. the Pitts (5-3)

Crummy Game of the Weak: Dallas (3-5) vs. Philadelphia (3-5.

Dishonorable Mentions:  The Sporting News asked NFL players who the most overrated coaches were. Top three vote-getters: Rex ("Sanchez is my starting quarterback") Ryan of the Jets, Bill Belichick (New England) and Andy Reid (Philadelphia).

He had it first: Last weekend, Neil King tweeted, ``Whenever the Redskins lose on the last Sunday before a presidential election, one of the two parties' nominees, loses, too. Always." Uncanny.

Halloween horrors, football-style

By Steve Harvey
Hiring and Development


Colleges

As its 0-8 record illustrates, Ole So. Miss has been suffering from a hyper-extended losing streak.

That could change Saturday when the school plays more-or-less-equally inept UAB (1-7) in one of the smallest games of the year. For the unfortunate team that wins, it will be a case of wait-until-next-year as far as winning the Bottom Ten title goes.

But the loser will challenge the vanishing Buffaloes of Colorado for No. 1.

When examining the scores of So. Miss and UAB_research that the Bottom Ten normally doesn't bother to do_it's not clear whether either even takes the field on defense. UAB gave up 55 points in its last game while So. Miss surrendered an average of 47 in its last three.

With the end of the season approaching, the two teams really appear to be  coming apart at an ideal time.

Electoral College, idle since 2008, had still another bye.

Wreck, Record........... Last Loss......................... Next Loss
1. Colorado (1-7)......... 14-70, Oregon................... Stanford
2. Ole So. Miss (0-8)....17-44, Rice........................ UAB
3. UAB (1-7)............... 45-55, Tulane ................... So. Miss
4. Ole Mass (0-8)........... 7-49, Vanderbilt ..............N. Ill
5. L.A. Lakers (0-2)......106-116, Portland...............Clippers
6. Kentucky (1-8)......... 10-33, Missouri................. Vanderbilt
7. Auburning (1-7)........ 21-63, Texas A$M........... New Mexico St
8. UNLV (1-8).............. 13-24, San Diego State ....New Mexico
9. Ill (2-6)...................... 17-31, Indiana.................. Ohio State
10. Akron (1-8) .............14-35, Central Michigan Kent St
11. S. Florida (2-6); 12 Washington St. (2-7); 13. Wyoming (1-7); 14. Kentucky (1-7); 15. Virginia (2-6); 16. Buffalo (1-7); 17. Memphis (1-7); 18. Declined to state; 19. Hawaii (1-6); 20. Purdon't (3-5).

Others (not necessarily in alaphabetical order) : Electoral College (0-0).

Crummy Game of the Weak: UAB (1-7) vs. So. Ole Miss (0-8).

Rout of the Weak: Ohio State (record censored by NCAA) vs. Illinois (2-6).

Quotebook: Oregon running back Kenjon Barner, on the ballet class he's taking: "I was worried I was going to have to wear tights. I'm not a tights guy. But we wear shorts."

Dishonorable Mention: USC leads the nation in penalties, averaging 10.3 per game. Their head coach pulls questionable tricks, like having teammates swap jerseys to fool the other team.  Are they becoming the NCAA version of a pro team with a notorious reputation? Should they be renamed the USC Traiders?

Semi-Pros

When Carolina gets ahead in a game, its opponent just yawns and its fans become nervous. For the 10th time in the last two years, the Panters blew a halftime lead, this time 22-23, to Chicago.

No. 9 Arizona, on the other hand, looked hopeless from the opening bell against San Francisco. The Cardinals chalked up their fourth straight loss by showcasing one of the league's worst running games. They rambled for 7 yards against the 49ers_not on one play; that was their total. It was the least yards gained rushing for the Cards since 1953.

No. 7 Washington had no chance against the Pitts, either. To make matters worse, coach Mike Shanahan of the Skins (3-5) sent QB Robert Griffin III out for a pass on an incredible trick play (incredible for its stupidity) only to see Griffin suffer a concussion on a bone-jarring collision. Not only that, but Griffin was called for offensive pass interference, possibly the first quarterback ever to achieve that distinction.

Kansas City fell to No. 2 but  the Chefs at least kept their streak alive of never having led a game in regulation play this season (their only win came in overtime).

Wreck, Record .........Last Loss............... Next Loss
1. Carolina (1-6)......... 22-23, Chicago....... Washington
2. Kansas City (1-6)... 16-26, Oakland....... San Diego
3. Jack (1-6) ................15-24, Green Bay... Detroit
4. Tigers (0-4)............. 3-4, S.F. Giants.......Toast
5. Jets (3-5).................. 9-30 Miami .............Idle
6. Philadelphia (3-4); 7. Washington (3-5); 8. San Diego (3-4); 9.  Arizona (4-4); 10. Oakland (3-4).

Crummy Game of the Weak: Carolina (1-6) vs. Washington (3-5).

Quotebook: John Dorenbos, the No. 6 Eagles' long snapper, is an adept amateur magician who entertains teammates with his tricks. But, asked USA Today, "Can he make (quarterback Michael) Vick's turnover problem disappear?"